


Overwatch Emergency Communication Channel (I Swear, It's Emergency Only)

by ArcaneAdagio



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, M/M, chatfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-28
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2018-07-18 17:42:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 60,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7324573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcaneAdagio/pseuds/ArcaneAdagio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Winston tries to open a channel for emergencies. With the members of this new Overwatch, it goes about as well as you'd expect. (But I mean, last time it didn't go much better.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. emergency only

**Author's Note:**

> "emergency only channel" indeed

**[WINSTON] reopened [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL.]**

**[WINSTON] added [HANA SONG], [LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS], [SATYA VASWANI], [HANZO SHIMADA], [JAMISON FAWKES], [MAKO RUTLEDGE], [ALEKSANDRA ZARYANOVA], and [FAREEHA AMARI]**

WINSTON: Everyone, this is an **emergency only channel.** If you can't talk out loud or if other forms of communication but you must speak to the team, then you should use this channel.

**[TRACER] reentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL.]**

**[MERCY] reentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL.]**

**[GENJI SHIMADA] reentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL.]**

TRACER:blimey this takes me back!! how long has it been since we last used this?

WINSTON: Lena. What part of _emergency only_ did you not understand.

**[HANA SONG] entered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION.]**

HANA: ooooh, what's this??

HANA: do we have a chatroom now?? so THAT'S what those communicators were for!

WINSTON: No, it's not a chatroom.

HANA: ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ _sure_

HANA: how do i change my username?

TRACER: should be in settings!!

**[HANA SONG] changed name to [D.VA]**

D.VA: brb i'll tell lúcio!!!

WINSTON: _Don't._

TRACER: oh cmon winston we all know how well that turned out last time

WINSTON: You should try and learn from past mistakes.

TRACER: aww i wouldnt call it a mistake

**[LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS] entered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL.]**

LÚCIO: sweet a chatroom!!

LÚCIO: hana and me are playing some rhythm game in her room anyone wanna join

WINSTON: Oh my god.

GENJI: I can see this is going as well as it did previously

TRACER: what game??

D.VA: rhythm heaven redux ten!

**[REINHARDT] reentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL.]**

REINHARDT: i remember when there were just five rhythm heaven games, none of this redux ten hd 2160 p nonsense

D.VA: soooo do you wanna play with us? betcha can't beat me gramps ;P

REINHARDT: we'll see about that

TRACER: can i come too? im not much good at the timing bit but im top notch at any fighting game

**[JACK MORRISON] reentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL.]**

MORRISON: uh

TRACER: OI WHAT

MERCY: Jack?!

GENJI: What

WINSTON: Hold on, I'm tracking the signal.

MORRISON: Apologies.

MORRISON: This is Soldier 76 reporting in.

MORRISON: I found this communicator in some junkheap in Switzerland.

TRACER: oh!!!

MERCY: A junkheap?

**[JACK MORRISON] changed screen name to [SOLDIER 76]**

76: Apologies for the confusion.

TRACER: its no problem!!! really hah

WINSTON: We should check to make sure no one has bugged it.

76: I'll head up to your lab.

D.VA: bring some food

76: no

D.VA: why are you even here

**[JESSE MCCREE] reentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL.]**

MCCREE: howdy

TRACER: whereve you been this whole time?

MCCREE: doin stuff

MCCREE: if you know what i mean

TRACER: ????? nah mate dont got a clue

**[HANZO SHIMADA] entered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL.]**

HANZO: What is this?

TRACER: OHHHHHHHH I GOTCHA

MCCREE: yep

MERCY: Oh my.

GENJI: Oh god

HANZO: I do not understand.

HANZO: Have I missed something important?

D.VA: I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

LÚCIO: cmon man are you really beating us both w/o looking at the screen

GENJI: Brother, we need to talk about your tastes

HANZO: What.

WINSTON: **EMERGENCY. ONLY.** WHY IS THIS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND.

D.VA: i'd say hanzo's tastes are definitely an emergency

TRACER: agreed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please correct any errors you notice!
> 
> tumblr: arcaneadagio


	2. cheeky nandos with the lads

**[TRACER] reentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL.]**

TRACER: i dont think this is a proper title for this whole shebang yknow?

TRACER: we should think of a better chat name!

**[WINSTON] reentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL.]**

WINSTON: Lena.

TRACER: cmon we all know that this isnt gonna be an "emergency communication channel!!"

**[SOLDIER 76] reentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL.]**

76: I'd like to avoid wasting everyone's time with pointless chat names switching and non-stop talking.

**[JESSE MCCREE] reentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL.]**

**[HANZO SHIMADA] reentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL.]**

**[MERCY] reentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL.]**

**[D.VA] reentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL.]**

MCCREE: sorry partner but that just aint gonna happen

MCCREE: before overwatch shut down reyes had the same idea and we can all testify how well that went

MERCY: I recall there were a great deal of low-compressed jpeg images sent across the channel and chat name switching on an almost daily basis.

MCCREE: my personal favorite title was

MCCREE: "lost pants last seen in reyes room please contact jack"

D.VA: there's a story behind that

MCCREE: there sure was

76: okay i don't want to hear about that

TRACER: BWAHAHAHAH

TRACER: i remember that!!!

TRACER: i took those pants!

76: you did what now

MERCY: Lena,

D.VA:ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ ! ! ! !

MCCREE: that explains a lot

D.VA: i'm with 76 and he dropped his communicator and sighed

TRACER: winstons been doing that for the past 10 min hahahahahaha

76: ...

76: Out of curiosity, what happened to those pants?

* * *

**  
[TRACER] changed channel name to [CHEEKY NANDOS WITH OVERWATCH]**

MCCREE: what the hell are cheeky nandos

D.VA: ^^^^ ??

TRACER: yknow its when youre with the ol bird and your chums and its ten bong and youre all a bit peckish so your mate says "hey lets get a cheeky nandos with the lads"

MCCREE: is this english

76: christ

MERCY: Lena, not this again…

GENJI: Please do not start referring to your guns as "cheeky nandos" or "the lads" again

TRACER: wot makes you think i ever stopped

* * *

LÚCIO: hanging with lena and the lads

MCCREE: stop

* * *

D.VA:  just saw lena blast a merc in the facewith the lads

MCCREE: _stop_

* * *

TRACER: cheeky nandos with the lads AND the lads!!

[[attached img HANA_LUCIO_LENA_AND_GUNS.png]](http://65.media.tumblr.com/e06e0ab56f0d3384de34ef90d2c2e03a/tumblr_obeglmMfJT1uqb5e8o1_500.png)

MCCREE: **_stop_**

* * *

D.VA: anyone want to get a cheeky nandos with the lads?

MCCREE: whyre you this way

* * *

 76: Has anyone seen the lads?

MCCREE: NOT YOU TOO

TRACER: yessssss

D.VA: JOIN! THE! LADS! JOIN! THE! LADS!

LÚCIO: join the lads!

REINHARDT: join the lads

GENJI: I just saw McCree throw his communicator against the wall and storm into my brother's quarters

GENJI: I did not follow

* * *

**[WINSTON] changed channel name to [OVERWATCH COMMUNICATION CHANNEL]**

WINSTON: The words "cheeky," "nandos," and "lads" have been banned from this channel to preserve the sanity of certain team members, effective today.

D.VA: whaaaaaat >:C

D.VA: ****** ****** the ****

D.VA: uhghhhhhhh seriously?

LÚCIO: :(

TRACER: cmon winston dont be a spoilsport

TRACER: what if im talking about my beanshooters

WINSTON: Your what.

TRACER: my boom sticks

WINSTON: ????

TRACER: ghost load

TRACER: yknow

TRACER: PEW PEW PEW

WINSTON: Guns.

WINSTON: They're called guns.

TRACER: precisely what if im talking about them

TRACER: "anyone seen ****** and ******"

TRACER: itd be a disaster if i couldnt find them and we had a mission

WINSTON: . . .

D.VA: :C

TRACER: :(

LÚCIO: :\

* * *

**[D.VA] changed channel name to [CHEEKYNAND0S WITH OVERWATCH]**

MCCREE: FUCKING SHIT

TRACER: :D

D.VA: L ADS! LA DS! L ADS!

TRACER: L ADS! L ADS! L ADS! L ADS! L ADS! L ADS!

LÚCIO: l ads!

76: L a d s.

**[JESSE MCCREE] has disconnected from [CHEEKYNAND0S WITH OVERWATCH.]**

WINSTON: This was a mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: tumblr user @thetricksterchangeling drew some amazing fanart of the l ads which i linked to in the fic!! thank you!


	3. overwatch policies on fraternizing with the enemy

 

**[D.VA] reentered [CHEEKYNAND0S WITH OVERWATCH].**

D.VA: LENA WANTS TO KNOW WHAT OVERWATCH’S POLICIES ON DATING TALON AGENTS ARGSJDSHSJDJDJDBDHEHS

**[TRACER] reentered [CHEEKYNAND0S WITH OVERWATCH]**

TRACER: NO!!!!!! NO NO NO

76: What exactly is happening here

WINSTON: What do you mean “Talon agents.”

D.VA: DIRECT QUOTE FROM LENA!!

TRACER: DONT YOU DARE

D.VA: “DOES MAKING OUT WITH AMELIE COUNT AS FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEEMYBTIEHESBSIEHEJEJEJSTPPJRKKLENATHATSMYKEYBOARDHDHDN

TRACER: NOOOOOOOOO

MEI: Oh my

76: are

76: are you kidding me.

TRACER: HANA!!!!!

D.VA: >:3c

D.VA: THATS WHAT YOU GET FOR STEALING MY SHRIMP CHIPS

TRACER: I DIDNT KNOW THEY WERE YOURS!!

D.VA: THEY WERE IN KOREAN!! WHO ELSE WOULD HAVE THEM??

TRACER: IT WAS IN THE PANTRY??? ISNT THAT SUPPOSED TO BE PUBLIC

D.VA: NO!!!

WINSTON: Lena.

WINSTON: Lena that’s probably illegal on so many levels.

WINSTON: I know we’re technically disbanded and we’d never fire you, but, Lena.

TRACER: WELL

76: Making out with Talon’s top sniper actually doesn’t break any Overwatch security laws

TRACER: wot

76: Not that they would even be relevant, considering Overwatch is still officially disbanded

76: Plus Amelie used to work with Overwatch, so technically making out with her doesn’t count as fraternizing with the enemy

76: And on the Overwatch laws, we never stated any explicit rules on romantic endeavours with the enemy

D.VA: “we” :?

TRACER: howd you know so much about the old overwatch?

76: look at the time i have to do my daily training excercises

TRACER: OI DONT LEAVE ME I NEVER BOTHERED TO LEARN ALL THE RULES

TRACER: HOWD YOU KNOW SO MUCH

**[SOLDIER 76] has disconnected from [CHEEKYNAND0S WITH OVERWATCH].**

GENJI: That was

GENJI: Incredibly suspicious

WINSTON: We have a mission in an hour.

MERCY: I would let him be.

MERCY: He is not the only one with secrets here.

* * *

  **[TRACER] reentered [CHEEKYNAND0S WITH OVERWATCH].**

**[MCCREE] reentered [CHEEKYNAND0S WITH OVERWATCH].**

**[D.VA] reentered [CHEEKYNAND0S WITH OVERWATCH].**

**[SOLDIER 76] reentered [CHEEKYNAND0S WITH OVERWATCH].**

**[LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS] reentered [CHEEKYNAND0S WITH OVERWATCH].**

TRACER: WOW that was quite the fight, huh l-a-d-s?

MCCREE: why are you this way

76: Hana, that was incredibly dangerous.

D.VA: nobody on our side got hurt, so that's a victory for me!!

76: Even if it did, you won't be able to complete any missions with the rest of us until we get you another mech. Don't blow it up unless we _all_ agree it's the best course of action.

D.VA: :/

LÚCIO: yknow that creepy shadow guy kept dropping guns everywhere

LÚCIO: and i mean _everywhere_

LÚCIO: these things are pretty heavy

D.VA: he looks like some edgy angst teenage store threw up on a halloween bedsheet ghost

76: you _stole reaper's guns?!_

LÚCIO: well nah

LÚCIO: jamie did

**[JAMISON FAWKES] entered [CHEEKYNAND0S WITH OVERWATCH].**

JAMISON: THAT FUCKER WAS GIVING OUT FREE GUNS!!! JUST THROWIN THEM EVERYWHERE!!!!

76: this isn't an improvement

JAMISON: oi why's my username my full name thats not right

**[JAMISON FAWKES] changed username to [JUNKRAT].**

JUNKRAT: THERE we go

JUNKRAT: these guns aint my style but THEY WERE FREE

76: reaper was

76: just throwing out his guns

JUNKRAT: YEAH fucking crazy amirite

TRACER: well we all know reapers doesnt exactly have all his screws tight

76: Excuse me for a moment.

**[SOLDIER 76] left [CHEEKYNAND0S WITH OVERWATCH].**

D.VA: ? k

**[MERCY] reentered [CHEEKYNAND0S WITH OVERWATCH].**

MERCY: Does anyone know why 76 stomped past my office, cursing furiously in English?

TRACER: no idea

TRACER: wonder whats got his knickers in a twist

MCCREE: there is no way thats a real saying

TRACER: look it up

MCCREE: well ill be damned

D.VA: maybe he really hates wasting guns?

MERCY: I

MERCY: Do not understand.

TRACER: just scroll up luv

**[GENJI SHIMADA] reentered [CHEEKYNAND0S WITH OVERWATCH].**

GENJI: Did anyone else hear that

LÚCIO: hear what?

GENJI: Someone is kicking the lockers and cursing

D.VA: i guess thats where 76 is

LÚCIO: maaaaaaybe we should check up on him

TRACER: ill come too! havent got anything else to do

* * *

**  
[TRACER] reentered [CHEEKYNAND0S WITH OVERWATCH].**

TRACER: THAT MOTHERFUCKER

MERCY: Lena!

MERCY: Language!

TRACER: YOU BARMY GORMLESS FUCKING KNOBHEAD WHY DIDNT HE SAY ANYTHING!!!!!!

TRACER: ANGELA JACK'S ALIVE

MERCY: WHAT THE FUCK

**[D.VA] reentered [CHEEKYNAND0S WITH OVERWATCH].**

D.VA: 76 IS JACK MORRISON AND APPARENTLY EDGY BEDSHEET GHOST COULD BE GABRIEL REYES?????

LÚCIO: YO WHAT??

**[SOLDIER 76] reentered [CHEEKYNAND0S WITH OVERWATCH].**

MERCY: YOU HAVE A LOT OF EXPLAINING TO DO, JACK.

WINSTON: I am very confused.

TRACER: HES BLIND AND STILL ALIVE

TRACER: AND HE **DIDNT TELL US!!!!**

MEI: COMMANDER MORRISON?

76: i'm not your commander anymore

TRACER: oi gimme that communicator everyone head to the kitchen were having a talk

* * *

**[JESSE MCCREE] reentered [CHEEKYNAND0S WITH OVERWATCH]. **

** [HANZO SHIMADA] reentered [CHEEKYNAND0S WITH OVERWATCH]. **

MCCREE: did we miss anything important

HANZO: I hear yelling in the kitchen.

MCCREE: OH WHAT THE FUCK

MCCREE: SCROLL UP

HANZO: ...

MCCREE: well

MCCREE: guess we should tell 76 double check overwatchs policy on dating talon agents

MCCREE: hell probably want to know if reaper really is reyes


	4. lena is the antonym of subtle

** [SOLDIER 76] entered [CHEEKYNAND0S WITH OVERWATCH]. **

** [JESSE MCCREE] entered  **[CHEEKYNAND0S WITH OVERWATCH].** **

** **[GENJI SHIMADA] entered **[CHEEKYNAND0S WITH OVERWATCH].**** **

** [D.VA] entered [CHEEKYNAND0S WITH OVERWATCH] **

D.VA: oi this is tracer my communicator got snatched during that fight soooo

**[TRACER] entered [CHEEKYNAND0S WITH OVERWATCH]**

D.VA: yeah thats not me

** [D.VA] changed name to [REAL TRACER]. **

TRACER: I suppose there goes my plan to extract intel, _cherie._

MERCY: This channel does not exactly have top-secret information.

TRACER: I gathered.

TRACER: Well, except for that _very_ interesting tidbit about 76. There were... suspicions, but confirmation is always welcome.

76: wonderful.

REAL TRACER: worst kept secret of the century

TRACER: I'm sure Reaper will be very pleased to hear that.

TRACER: And by pleased, I mean that you should probably expect a bullet through the skull next time you meet, _Monsieur_ Morrison.

76: great. tell reyes he should ditch a life of crime with his choice of wardrobe and go straight to playing in a shitty metal band with a bunch of angst-ridden teens. i'm sure he'll fit right in

TRACER: I'll be sure to pass that along.

GENJI: Is anyone else uncomfortable with proper capitalization and tracers username

GENJI: Even though it is not her

MCCREE: yeah it feels

MCCREE: wrong

**[TRACER] changed name to [WIDOWMAKER].**

WIDOWMAKER: Better? I would hate to make any of you uncomfortable.

GENJI: You shot me in the leg less than an hour ago

WIDOWMAKER: And you were fortunate that you were moving at the time, or else it would have been your head.

GENJI: Is there any way to disable communicators

WINSTON: Well, yes.

REAL TRACER: NO!!

76: lena

REAL TRACER: well i mean its not like this has any secret information sO and we can use the channel to try & get info from talon

REAL TRACER: she cant track us as well!!

MCCREE: im sure youd like it if she could

REAL TRACER: ...

REAL TRACER: can i get a new communicator i dont like using hanas account

WINSTON: You can't hear me right now, but I'm sighing.

REAL TRACER: ;P

WINSTON: It'll take a few minutes.

WIDOWMAKER: How on Earth do you manage to be coordinated enough to pose a threat to Talon.

REAL TRACER: HAH! so we ARE dangerous to talon

WIDOWMAKER: Barely.

REAL TRACER: see this could be useful!! AND she practically confirmed that reaper was reyes soooo!!!

WINSTON: . . .

76: winston you aren't seriously considering this

WINSTON: You didn't tell any of us that you were alive for years, Jack, so sorry if I don't worship your planning skills.

LÚCIO: oOOoooooOOooh roasted

**[LENA OXTON] entered [CHEEKYNAND0S WITH OVERWATCH].**

OXTON: nice got my new communicator!!

OXTON: wait hang on a tick

**[LENA OXTON] changed name to [TRACER].**

**[REAL TRACER] changed name to [D.VA].**

D.VA: does this mean i can finally use my own communicator? i probably missed out on SO MUCH

LÚCIO: widowmakers here cause she somehow got lenas communicator

D.VA: OH i know how THAT happened

TRACER: HANG ON A MOMENT

D.VA: soooo

D.VA: widowmaker is just hanging out on top of some abandoned warehouse, and she blasts my meka so i run to cover

D.VA: but before i can reach the doors lena charges in, with a HUGE GRIN on her face

TRACER: hana are you still upset about the shrimp chips

D.VA: yes

D.VA: and THEN widowmaker turns about, surprised for a second

D.VA: AND THEN SHE SMIRKS AS WELL

D.VA: tracer is blinking around, REALLY close to widowmaker, and they start shooting at each other

D.VA: their fighting was more like _almost_ making out

D.VA: so eventually lena leans close and wraps her arm around widowmaker's waste

D.VA: *waist? english has too many similar words

D.VA: widowmaker probably took lena's communicator then

WIDOWMAKER: You are correct, _petit lapin._

D.VA: >:?

TRACER: HANA HOWD YOU SEE ALL OF THAT!!

D.VA: my meka blew up so i was just waiting for the next one and trying not to get shot

D.VA: widowmaker seemed pretty distracted

76: why does half this team not have basic survival instincts

TRACER: OI SHUT YOUR GOB _COMMANDER_

76: not your commander anymore

WIDOWMAKER: Well, this has been very entertaining, but I must part for a while. _Adieu._

WIDOWMAKER: _@Tracer_ <3

TRACER: !!

**[WIDOWMAKER] has disconnected from [CHEEKYNAND0S WITH OVERWATCH].**

D.VA: OH HO HO HO

76: ...

GENJI: Well

GENJI: It appears lena has more dangerous tastes than mccree

MCCREE: whatre you implying

GENJI: Nothing

* * *

TRACER: dya think shes told anyone yet?

MEI: Huh?

TRACER: amelie

TRACER: do you think shes told anyone about this channel

MEI: She probably has

MEI: Talon agents would probably do anything for direct access to overwatch agents...

TRACER: or maybe she hasnt!!

MEI: :I

* * *

76: so reaper really is reyes

MERCY: Jack, don't start anything.

MERCY: Can't you see that's probably what he wants?

76: i can't see anything except for blurry shapes and colors, doc

MERCY: Jack.

TRACER: i dont think amelies told anyone about the channel yet

76: when you said that five talon agents watching this channel probably laughed

TRACER: ive just got a feeling!

76: you know who doesn't have those

76: widowmaker

TRACER: >:/

* * *

76: what happened to those pants you stole

TRACER: pants

76: you said you stole those pants before overwatch disbanded what happened to them

TRACER: i dunno??? i just shoved em somewhere i dont remember where

76: i liked those pants

TRACER: why were they in reyes room?

76: classified

TRACER: ;)


	5. bully jack morrison week

**[JESSE MCCREE] changed channel name to [JACK DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE].**

76: ...

MERCY: Somehow, this is an improvement.

76: i'm going back to being a vigilante

MERCY: You do that, Jack, and I will hunt you down and pump your skull with bullets. :^)

76: Alright then.

MERCY: Glad to see we all agree on this.

* * *

MEI: zarya if you want to come over to my room tonight we can perform some experiments... :)

TRACER: HHhooLY _**FUCK**_

D.VA: did you mean to use the whisper function ㅋㅋㅋㅋ

MEI: UM

MEI: I AM SORRYI HAVE VERY TIME SENSITIVE WORK TO DOI APOLOGIZE!!!!!!

**[MEI-LING ZHOU] left [JACK DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE].**

**[ZARYA] entered [JACK DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE].**

ZARYA: do not interrupt us. 

ZARYA: _бу́дет ху́же._

**[ZARYA] left [JACK DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE].**

TRACER: FUCKING CHRIST

* * *

**[GENJI SHIMADA] reentered [JACK DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE].**

GENJI: The strangest thing ive seen in my entire life is my brother blushing

TRACER: cant they do it a little more privately?

D.VA: i didn't know hanzo had other emotions except for "brooding"

GENJI: Neither did i

**[JESSE MCCREE] reentered [JACK DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE].**

MCCREE: quick someone make a list of nicknames that make hanzo blush

MCCREE: honeycomb and bumblebee work

MCCREE: darlin doesnt

MCCREE: "dragon tiddy shoot and splitty" doesnt either

MCCREE: surprisingly

GENJI: I dont need this kind of negativity in my life

D.VA: i'm not getting involved in your gay shit i have my own gay shit to attend to

D.VA: do it yourself

LÚCIO: this has gotta be weird for the talon agents probably reading this

* * *

**[D.VA] reentered [JACK DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE].**

D.VA: just spotted ziegler and amari flirting in the break room

D.VA: ziegler blushes a lot ? she is not subtle

GENJI: Everyone can see this

GENJI: _Including_  Fareeha and Dr Ziegler

D.VA: i know

D.VA: maybe they do it on purpose

* * *

D.VA: ziegler and amari are making out in the break room

 

D.VA: i just wanted my rice crackers

* * *

TRACER: did you know that some of our old members used to call it gaywatch

76: only you called it that, lena.

TRACER: im trying to make it stick this time!!

D.VA: I KNEW I MADE THE RIGHT DECISION JOINING THIS TEAM

LÚCIO: is anyone here straight

TRACER: im a lesbian

76: bi.

MEI: i am

MEI: also gay. so is zarya

TRACER: i guessed

MCCREE: names mccree and im gay

MCCREE: but hanzo is bi

GENJI: pan

MERCY: bi

PHARAH: Women.

MERCY: <3

PHARAH: <3

LÚCIO: im pan as well

JUNKRAT: ROADIE AND I ARE TRANS PALS

76: if there is a trans overwatch club.

76: i'm the founding member.

LÚCIO: we should totally make a club

MERCY: I will join.

D.VA: looks like the gay club for overwatch would just be overwatch

MCCREE: its always been this way

MCCREE: i mean look at morrison

76: it's soldier 76

MCCREE: got it morrison

* * *

REINHARDT: JACK i have a question

76: we're sitting right next to each other you can ask me in person

REINHARDT: then why didn'tcha respond back in person

76: ...

REINHARDT: why are you still """"soldier 76"""" we all know it's you

76: jack morrison died in switzerland

REINHARDT: i thought reyes was supposed to be the dramatic one

76: jack morrison is dead. i'm just a ghost of him. different morals, different plan.

D.VA: WE'RE OUT OF APPLE SLICES

76: i'm on it

REINHARDT: right

* * *

D.VA: /whisper [LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS]

D.VA: <<hey does this work>>

D.VA: <<HEY IT DOES!!>>

D.VA: <<there's a whisper function!! we CAN have private chats!!>>

D.VA: <<do /whisper D.VA !!!>>

LÚCIO: /whisper [D.VA]

LÚCIO: <<heck yeah>>

D.VA: <<nice!! i had this GREAT idea for a prank>>

D.VA: <<it's not the WE'RE ALL SOLDIERS NOW one i'm saving that one for april fools>>

D.VA: <<for THIS one, reinhardt gave me the idea>>

D.VA: <<here's the plan!!>>

* * *

**[JACK MORRISON] entered [JACK DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE].**

MORRISON: how do i change my username back

D.VA: lol

MORRISON: hana

MORRISON: why is the change name function blocked

MORRISON: how did you hack into overwatch tech

D.VA: who said i did anything?

D.VA: hacking would imply that someone _outside_ of overwatch tampered with it

**[WINSTON] reentered [JACK DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE].**

WINSTON: I'm not fixing it.

MORRISON: **god dammit**

MERCY: You deserve this, at the very least.


	6. edgelord central

TRACER: well im not saying it WOULDNT be dangerous

TRACER: but i AM saying its worth the risk

GENJI: I dont think strapping fireworks, lighting them, and then jumping back in time "for the helluvit" is worth the risk

TRACER: im still gonna do it

GENJI: I would like to watch

**[WIDOWMAKER] joined [JACK DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE].**

WIDOWMAKER: **What is this.**

TRACER: AMELIE!!!!!!!

WIDOWMAKER: **No**

TRACER: wot

WIDOWMAKER: **W** **hat has she been keeping from us.**

TRACER: huh????

TRACER: whore you then

WIDOWMAKER: **Reaper**

MCCREE: well aint this a surprise

TRACER: you mean

TRACER: she DIDNT tell anyone

TRACER: HAH!!!! I TOLD YOU!!!! i told ALL of you and i was RIGHT

TRACER: also REYES!!!! YOU SHITHOLE!!!! WHATRE YOU DOING FLOATING AROUND LIKE AN EDGY PLASTIC BAG

WIDOWMAKER: **How did you**

WIDOWMAKER: iluy78634

WIDOWMAKER: JJLSHJKHJmm,smdmlpp394823948392*&&&T*&#^$*&@*#&,.,L

TRACER: whats going on

WIDOWMAKER: _Mon dieu._

**[GABRIEL REYES] reentered [JACK DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE].**

REYES: **This is as chaotic and miserable as I remember it.**

WINDOWMAKER: This is my _personal_ communicator, Reaper.

**[JACK MORRISON] reentered [JACK DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE].**

MORRISON: i heard yelling did i miss anything impo

REYES: **...**

**[JACK MORRISON] left [JACK DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE].**

TRACER: OH NO YOU DONT

**[JACK MORRISON] reentered [JACK DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE].**

MORRISON: CAN WE AT LEAST CHANGE THE CHANNEL NAME

D.VA: its not _wrong_

REYES: What

REYES: Jack

REYES: How

MORRISON: _why is this happening over text_

MERCY: At least this way no one can try to kill each other?

MORRISON: we'll see about that

REYES: HOW ARE YOU ALIVE

MORRISON: I COULD SAY THE SAME TO YOU

MORRISON: I'M GOING TO BREAK YOUR FUCKING SKULL REYES

MORRISON: YOU SOMEHOW SURVIVE YOUR OWN EXPLOSION AND NOW YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND LIKE SOME BATSHIT TERRORIST WITH THE AESTHETIC OF A TWELVE YEAR OLD AT A HOT TOPIC????

MORRISON: AND YOU'RE STILL THROWING AWAY YOUR DAMN GUNS _DO YOU KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE BUYING YOU LIKE 100 GUNS EVERY BATTLE WAS_

D.VA: what's hot topic

TRACER: bofa

D.VA: no

TRACER: worth a shot

TRACER: REYES HOW ARE YOU ALIVE!!! WHAT HAPPENED

**[GABRIEL REYES] changed name to [REAPER].**

REAPER: **Gabriel Reyes is dead.**

MCCREE: BOSS???????

TRACER: YOURE VERY CLEARLY ALIVE????

MORRISON: where are you i'm going to break your necfjhkdsghfkj

**[JACK MORRISON] went idle.**

D.VA: lmaooooooo what happened

TRACER: he was texting really angrily and tripped

REAPER:  **...**

TRACER: "LENA WHERES THE COMMUNICATOR!"

TRACER: ohhhhhhhh no his visors a bit cracked

D.VA: FLOOR V. SHIT76

D.VA: MORRISON ELIMINATED

WIDOWMAKER: The floor did what you could not, Reaper.

REAPER: **Shut the hell up.**

TRACER: jacks asking me to transcribe his messages now he cant see anything hahah ill get his communicator

MORRISON: REYES THE NEXT TIME I FIND YOU IM GOING TO RIP OFF YOUR LIMBS AND CHUCK YOU INTO THE FUCKING GARBAGE CAN WHERE YOU BELONG

MORRISON: (bit violent, if you ask me, but dont shoot the messenger! - t)

REAPER: **Explain.**

WIDOWMAKER: The formerly late ex-Commander Morrison appears to be the vigilante/new Overwatch agent Soldier 76.

REAPER: **And you didn't think it would be a good idea to tell me.**

WIDOWMAKER: I'm under no obligation to do such a thing.

WIDOWMAKER: After all, if Gabriel Reyes is as dead as you say, wouldn't you have left all of his grudges behind as well?

D.VA: oh fuck that was good

MORRISON: (hang on hes still yelling - t)

MORRISON: WHY THE FUCK DID YOU BLOW HQ UP WHAT THE HELL!!! IS IT BECAUSE OF THAT PROMOTION?? OVER A FUCKING PROMOTION

MERCY: I do not recall Jack swearing quite so much.

D.VA: guess almost dying can do that to a guy

MORRISON: FUCKING GODDAMN PIECE OF SHIT oh wait

MORRISON: (i dont know if i should transcribe this it seems a bit - t)

MORRISON: (risque and personal - t)

MCCREE: just ask him

D.VA: old man yells at cloud

MORRISON: (he pulled himself off the floor & grunted angrily so i guess that means no)

MORRISON: (he tripped again)

MORRISON: (who left all these cables here???)

D.VA: bastion probably

MORRISON: (brb)

** [JACK MORRISON] went idle. **

** [TRACER] went idle. **

MERCY: ...

WIDOWMAKER: ...

D.VA: (-_- )

MCCREE: welp

MERCY: So, Gabriel.

MERCY: How nice to see you again.

REAPER:  **Yes, especially after you turned me into a ghost in constant pain.**

REAPER:  **Lovely to see you.**

 

GENJI: Www hes got a point dr

MCCREE: i get the feeling all of these confrontations should be face to face

MCCREE: not across text

D.VA: why?

D.VA: less guns this way

MCCREE: but its more _dramatic_

D.VA: less shooting

MCCREE: you kids dont have a good appreciation for dramatics

D.VA: you wear a poncho and a cowboy hat in the middle of fights

MCCREE: its not a poncho

REAPER: **Overwatch is a pathetic sham of a group of "peacekeepers," filled with out-of-control members.It failed before and will fall again.**

D.VA: oOOOOOoooOhh look at me a floating cloud of smog with ideals who types in BOLD because it's EDGY and WORTH THE EXTRA FIVE SECONDS IT TAKES TO FORMAT THE MESSAGE people should TOTALLY take moral advice from ME

**[D.VA] changed channel name to [EDGELORD CENTRAL].**

**[TRACER] reentered [EDGELORD CENTRAL].**

TRACER: im still transcribing until we can get his visor fixed up!!

WIDOWMAKER: Oh, so he is blind.

TRACER: uh

TRACER: no

WIDOWMAKER: An excellent weak-spot, if you ask me.

WIDOWMAKER: _Merci, ma cherie,_ for the valuable information.

TRACER: :I whoops

REAPER: **I will destroy Overwatch.**

TRACER: over my dead body!!

MERCY: Likewise.

D.VA:  

MERCY: :^)

TRACER: jack says that he could take you even though hes blind AND with his hands tied behind his back

MCCREE: just sounds like what they normally do to me

D.VA: we were having a team moment

MCCREE: im helping

D.VA: you have literally never helped in any situation

**[REAPER] left [EDGELORD CENTRAL].**


	7. mom count rising

D.VA: COME AT ME scrublord i'm RIPPED

MCCREE: IT WAS A BAG OF RICE CRACKERS

D.VA: **I'LL SEE YOU ON THE DUELING GROUND, _카우보이!!!_**

LÚCIO: oh man you better run shes not joking

MCCREE: commander arent you gonna do anything about this

76: i'm not your commander anymore

76: also no

76: i have better things to do.

MCCREE: what like cry over that picture of reyes

76: no

D.VA: he totally is

** [PHARAH] reentered [EDGELORD CENTRAL]. **

PHARAH: Has anyone seen Dr Ziegler?

D.VA: isn't she in her lab

PHARAH: I have already checked there, & she is not there.

D.VA: idk

76: are you two dating now.

PHARAH: What.

76: are you two dating

PHARAH: What.

76: are you two dating

PHARAH: Mr Morrison.

76: soldier 76

PHARAH: No

PHARAH: And for your other question

PHARAH: Well.

D.VA: YES!!!! jamie owes me twenty bucks

D.VA: 대박, amari!!

PHARAH: **I haven't asked her yet!!!**

D.VA: :0

76: what a surprise

D.VA: weren't you two making out once

PHARAH: Okay.

** [ANA AMARI] reentered [EDGELORD CENTRAL]. **

76: what the fuck

D.VA: w

MCCREE: ms amari?

ANA: good to see nothings changed

MCCREE: IS ANYONE WHO WE THOUGHT WERE DEAD ACTUALLY DEAD???

ANA: i broke into your base, by the way

ANA: the tea selection here is mediocre, at best

ANA: lenas window was open

76: what about the barriers?

ANA: i dont know about any barrier

76: you sniped the power source, didn't you.

ANA: perhaps

PHARAH: MOM????????

ANA: !

ANA: fareeha?

PHARAH: MOM I

76: she's in the kitchen

LÚCIO: we should probably tell winston about the barriers

D.VA: yeah probably

* * *

D.VA: that was the most emotional, heartfelt reunion i've seen in my entire life

LÚCIO: so many different emotions...

D.VA: it was better than 76 and reaper's

D.VA: mostly because those two tried to pump the other's asses full of pulsemunition or bullets

ANA: they always were little children

ANA: jack, you look well

76: i would say the same, but i can't be sure

ANA: hilarious.

** [REAPER] reentered [EDGELORD CENTRAL]. **

REAPER: **Death comes.**

ANA: gabriel.

REAPER: WHAT THE HELL??

REAPER: ANA????

ANA: i expected better from you than this gabriel.

MCCREE: ouch

REAPER: **I**

REAPER: **I don't need you, Amari.**

ANA: im not mad, just disappointed.

REAPER: ...

**[REAPER] left [EDGELORD CENTRAL].**

MCCREE: yeah you better run

ANA: hell be back

ANA: jesse.

MCCREE: y

MCCREE: yes maam

D.VA: aw, he's flustered

ANA: what are you wearing

MCCREE: i

ANA: i bought you that buckle as a joke

MCCREE: you look as well as ever, maam

ANA: well

ANA: at least it outfit suits your personality

ANA: but it is good to see you again

ANA: i did miss you

ANA: who exactly is "d.va?"

D.VA: i'm hana song, ma'am!

ANA: hm

ANA: you seem like a sweet child

MCCREE: she tried to kill me over a bag of rice crackers earlier

ANA: oh i like you

D.VA: thank you!!

* * *

ANA: what is this about angela dating my daughter?

PHARAH: Mother, I am an adult and can make my own decisions.

ANA: no she is good

ANA: i like angela, shes a good kid

ANA: and an excellent doctor

PHARAH: Well.

PHARAH: My original point still stands.

ANA: but if angela does anything i wont hesitate to leave her on the battlefield

PHARAH: MOTHER

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry this chapter still doesn't have bastion or zenyatta..... soon, i promise,,,,


	8. bet on that

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ft. brazilian memes and expensive hats

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally... after 1000 year.s.... ..omnics,

76: I SWEAR TO GOD REYES NEXT TIME I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR STUPID GET-UP TO SHREDS AND BEAT YOU SENSELESS

REAPER: **You should have stayed dead, old man. There's nothing you can do to help this world anymore.**

MCCREE: is this foreplay

GENJI: Perhaps

MCCREE: tell me if they start fucking next time we're on the battlefield

GENJI: Honestly its just as likely they will murder someone

MCCREE: is that a bet

ZENYATTA: Revenge is not justice.

GENJI: MASTER??

GENJI: When did you get here??

ZENYATTA: I don't quite understand what you mean. I have been here the entire time.

MCCREE: what

ZENYATTA: I have no need for a communicator. I do not ever go "offline."

ZENYATTA: But I have not made myself known until now.

ZENYATTA: Mostly because Bastion wishes to join this channel.

MCCREE: what

76: you can understand it?

ZENYATTA: He is quite the elegant speaker.

ZENYATTA: And beatboxer.

LÚCIO: oh yeah ive been teaching him that

LÚCIO: lets add him!

MEI: 4242!! bastion is great!

WINSTON: I'll add him.

**[WINSTON] added [SST LABORATORIES SIEGE AUTOMATON E54] to [EDGELORD CENTRAL].**

WINSTON: We really need to change that name.

ZENYATTA: Hello, Bastion.

LÚCIO: yeah whats up!!

SST LABORATORIES SIEGE AUTOMATON E54: beep (/^▽^)/

ZARYA: Why is this filthy omnic here

SST LABORATORIES SIEGE AUTOMATON E54: (*´；ェ；`*) bwoop...

LÚCIO: cmon dont be like that

ZARYA: I have destroyed thousands like it

ZARYA: And I have no qualms in destroying one more.

LÚCIO: **se me atacar, eu vou atacar**

ZARYA: what

LÚCIO: what

D.VA: I LOVE BASTION FIGHT ME IRL!!!!

76: you would die.

D.VA: FOR BASTION!!!

LÚCIO: for bastion!!

ZENYATTA: Violence is not the solution to this problem. Patience and tolerance is the only way to fix this.

ZARYA: I will crush it like a grape 

SST LABORATORIES SIEGE AUTOMATON E54:。：゜(ﾟ´Д｀ﾟ)゜：。BWEEP!!

D.VA: how can you hurt this face

D.VA: HOW COULD BE SO CRUEL

MEI: hey hey don't hurt bastion!! he is my new research assistant!!

ZARYA: Hmph

MEI: I bought you a hat bastion!!

SST LABORATORIES SIEGE AUTOMATON E54:（´ω｀）

SST LABORATORIES SIEGE AUTOMATON E54: !!

SST LABORATORIES SIEGE AUTOMATON E54: （^´ω｀）

D.VA: aww he added a little hat!!

LÚCIO: how can you hurt him

ZARYA: ...

ZARYA: ......................

MEI: zarya!!

ZARYA: Fine

ZARYA: I will not hurt him

SST LABORATORIES SIEGE AUTOMATON E54: (o^^o)♪

SST LABORATORIES SIEGE AUTOMATON E54: ...

SST LABORATORIES SIEGE AUTOMATON E54: bwee boop

ZENYATTA: I see.

D.VA: what's he saying?

ZENYATTA: He wishes to change his user name.

ZENYATTA: "SST LABORATORIES SIEGE AUTOMATON E54" _is_ rather long.

D.VA: dw it's in settings!!

SST LABORATORIES SIEGE AUTOMATON E54: ＼（＾▽＾）／beep!

**[SST LABORATORIES SIEGE AUTOMATON E54] changed name to [BASTION].**

BASTION: \\\ ೕ(•̀ㅂ•́ ) ^ // bwoo!!

MEI: oh!!

MEI: and i also bought zarya a hat!

MEI: now you two are matching!

ZARYA: ...

BASTION: bweep?

ZARYA: I will wear it.

MEI: 520!!!!

* * *

MCCREE: fawkes you need to put twelve more bucks into the betting pool

76: what betting pool

MCCREE: uh

MCCREE: nothin

* * *

** [REAPER] joined [EDGELORD CENTRAL]. **

REAPER: **STOP BEATBOXING WHEN I'M TRYING TO KILL YOU**

LÚCIO: nah

REAPER: **AND** **WHY DOES THAT OMNIC HAVE A HAT**

BASTION: ＼| ￣ヘ￣|^／ bweep!

LÚCIO: he likes hats!

76: are you texting and fighting at the same time

LÚCIO: yeah

76: stop

LÚCIO: but youre doing it too!

BASTION: boop beep bweep

ZENYATTA: Bastion says, "He has a point."

ZENYATTA: I must agree.

76: ...

**[SOLDIER 76] left [EDGELORD CENTRAL].**

LÚCIO: hey mr reyes

REAPER: **Don't call me that.**

LÚCIO: look behind you

REAPER: what

**[REAPER] left [EDGELORD CENTRAL].**

**[GENJI SHIMADA] reentered [EDGELORD CENTRAL].**

**[D.VA] reentered [EDGELORD CENTRAL].**

D.VA: hey that base just exploded!! is everyone okay?

LÚCIO: mr reyes _kinda_ got distracted texting

LÚCIO: so i snuck behind him with bastion and we blew up the power source

D.VA: NICE

D.VA: wait where did 76 go?

**[JESSE MCCREE] reentered [EDGELORD CENTRAL].**

MCCREE: remember how i made a bet with genji about whether morrison and reyes would start making out on the battlefield

D.VA: 뭥미!!

D.VA: no way!!

GENJI: It doesnt really count because this is technically not a battlefield anymore

MCCREE: technicalities

MCCREE: pay up

GENJI: ...

ZENYATTA: I have always encouraged honesty and reliability.

GENJI: _fine_

GENJI: Im heading over now

** [GENJI SHIMADA] left [EDGELORD CENTRAL]. **

MCCREE: did we ever tell him how big this bet got

TRACER: maybe???

TRACER: anyway  _i_ basically won because i said theyd make out when one of them was annoyed theyd lost

ZENYATTA: But I bet that 76 would be angry. An unhealthy emotion, but common enough for him.

TRACER: mine was more specific!!

TRACER: pay up hana

D.VA: ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ i was SO sure both of them would be crying

D.VA: UGHHHH

LÚCIO: arent you like a millionaire

D.VA: it's the principle of the thing

LÚCIO: also you owe me fifty bucks because 76 took off his mask completely

D.VA: >:\ thought they would just _half_ take it off

**[HANZO SHIMADA] reentered [EDGELORD CENTRAL].**

HANZO: I have calculated the sums of this ridiculous bet.

HANZO: Somehow, despite only entering five dollars into the pool, which I am also unclear _how_ he earned it, the Bastion omnic has earned forty dollars.

HANZO: Ana Amari has lost all of her money due to the fact she bet the kiss would happen in more than ten years.

ANA: it took them six years to get over their emotions when they werent bargain bin captain america and angry bedsheet

ANA: it was a logical conclusion

HANZO: Widowmaker has earned fifty two dollars.

TRACER: ill be sure to give it to her!

D.VA: wow that's almost enough for a date

D.VA: or are your dates just like almost murdering each other

D.VA: i guess those cost nothing since mom heals all your injuries

**[TRACER] left [EDGELORD CENTRAL].**

HANZO: Fawkes and Rutledge, with their combined bets, have not earned any money except for one can of spray can cheese.

JUNKRAT: FUCK YEAH!!!!! WERE RICH

MCCREE: i wanted that back...

HANZO: Zenyatta has earned the most money, winning 20573 dollars. I will send each of you the spreadsheet detailing how much each person owes.

HANZO: This is stupid.

**[HANZO SHIMADA] left [EDGELORD CENTRAL].**

MCCREE: luv ya darling

D.VA: hooooly shit _ **20573 DOLLARS???**_

D.VA: ㄷㄷㄷㄷㄷㄷㄷㄷ

MCCREE: zenyatta i got a question

ZENYATTA: Yes?

MCCREE: why would you need money

ZENYATTA: I would also enjoy a matching hat.

* * *

76: you're all fired

WINSTON: You don't have any authority as a Strike Commander anymore.

WINSTON: And I have earned 250 dollars, so they aren't fired.

REAPER: **I WILL DESTROY OVERWATCH**

TRACER: death comes indeed ;)

ANA: death comes really quickly, from what i once heard  


ANA: followed by rolling over and falling asleep

TRACER: OUCH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what kind of hat is that expensive  
> [looks at tf2] oh
> 
>  
> 
> ANYWAY!! thanks to:  
> PuddingskinMcGee for the bastion emoticon ideas!!  
> Highlord for basically writing the last lines  
> unsnarledshoe for informing me about brazilian memes!! feel free to tell me about international memes so i can use them  
> ALSO  
> rathianrose who made a post on tumblr about this fic!! my fic tumblr is arcaneadagio if you want to ask questions or anything!
> 
> also for those confused about mei's numbers, chinese internet slang involves numbers that sound like the characters  
> 520 - i love you  
> 4242 - yes
> 
> EDIT: okay someone said that there should be more trans women and you're absolutely right!! in fact, everyone is trans. sorry , i don't make the rules. every single character is trans in this, every woman is trans, and i love every single one of them.,


	9. overwatch channel archives dated 20??

_ > OVERWATCH CHANNEL ARCHIVES _

_ > 1-25-2056 _

_ > 1:30 PM _

* * *

**[WINSTON] opened [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].**

**[WINSTON] added [JACK MORRISON], [GABRIEL REYES], [ANA AMARI], [ANGELA ZIEGLER], [REINHARDT WILHELM], [LENA OXTON], [LIAO], [KIMIKO], [MIREMBE], [GENJI SHIMADA], [JESSE MCCREE], AND [GÉRARD LACROIX]**

WINSTON: I've connected our communicators so they have texting features. We should use this for emergencies only.

**[GÉRARD LACROIX] entered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].**

**[JACK MORRISON] entered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].**

**[LENA OXTON] entered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].**

MORRISON: this is great! i'm telling reyes about it right now!

MORRISON: "brb!" haha :-)

WINSTON: ...I said emergencies.

OXTON: why does jack types like a grandpa

WINSTON: ...I don't know.

**[LIAO] entered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].**

**[KIMIKO] entered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].**

LIAO: oh a chat room that's nice

KIMIKO: Gerard you left your rifle in the break room

KIMIKO: Amélie's visiting and she found it here

OXTON: amélie's here??

KIMIKO: Yes

LACROIX: Oh THAT'S where it went!

LACROIX: I'll go get it tell Amélie to wait for a moment

WINSTON: ...

* * *

_  
> OVERWATCH CHANNEL ARCHIVES _

_ > 1-25-2056 _

_ > 5:23 PM _

* * *

  **[GABRIEL REYES] entered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].**

**[JACK MORRISON] reentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].**

**[KIMIKO] entered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].**

****[GENJI SHIMADA] entered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].** **

REYES: Why is nobody on cooking duty tonight??? who organized this i'm firing them

MORRISON: you were the one organized the schedules though

REYES: ...

MORRISON: looks like i'm the leader now haha :-)

REINHARDT: do not worry my friends!! i will cook tonight

REYES: I AM NOT EATING GERMAN FOOD

KIMIKO: ^^

GENJI: I cant eat

REINHARDT: its good for you!!! puts hair on your chest

**[MIREMBE] reentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].**

**[GÉRARD LACROIX] reentered **[OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].****

**[ANGELA ZIEGLER] reentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].**

 

MIREMBE: I'm good, thanks.

MORRISON: I can cook

REYES: No

MIREMBE: no.

LIAO: no way

KIMIKO: Haha. No.

MORRISON: what's wrong with my cooking??

LACROIX: Where do I start

GENJI: Your cooking is so bad

GENJI: And i cant even eat

REYES: SALT IS NOT A SPICE!!!

ANA: uh oh trouble in paradise

LIAO: salt isn't a spice

ANA: yeah its not a spice

MORRISON: yes it is!!!

REYES: **ADIÓS MUNDO CRUEL**

MORRISON: i don't speak spanish!!

REYES: ya lo sé

REYES: pinche pan blanco

MORRISON: OKAY I KNOW _THAT_

MORRISON: gabe we're having a meeting about this

MORRISON: everyone into the kitchen

* * *

_> OVERWATCH CHANNEL ARCHIVES _

_ > 1-27-2056 _

_ > 1:21 AM_ ****

* * *

**[REINHARDT WILHEIM] reentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL]. **

REINHARDT: FREEDOM!!!!!!!

** [JACK MORRISON] reentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL]. **

** [ANGELA ZIEGLER] reentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL]. **

ZIEGLER: Jack. Gabriel.

ZIEGLER: _Why._

MORRISON: WHY ARE YOU ALL LEAVING

** [GABRIEL REYES] reentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL]. **

REYES: **we haven't settled this everyone back in**

LIAO: lmao no??? bye???????

KIMIKO: Why did we have to climb out a  _window_ to escape that WHY DID YOU ARGUE FOR TWO DAYS ABOUT  _SALT_

GENJI: Why was i there i cant even eat

MIREMBE: that was the worst experience of my life

MCCREE: two days

MCCREE: _two days trapped in there_

OXTON: TWO DAYS


	10. the resurgence of the great salt debacle

D.VA: lena and widowmaker are making out again

MERCY: We are in the middle of a mission!

TRACER: haha whoops!

**[TRACER] went idle.**

MERCY: Mein gott.

REAPER: **WIDOWMAKER GET BACK TO YOUR STATION**

WIDOWMAKER: _Je suis déjà occupée, """edgelord"""_

76: LENA

REAPER: **Widow.**

76: alright that's enough

**[WIDOWMAKER] went idle.**

**[TRACER] reentered [EDGELORD CENTRAL].**

TRACER: hey!! what the hell was that for???

REAPER: **What did you do, Jack.**

76: my job

TRACER: :( he just grabbed me and pulled me away from amelie...

REAPER: **And Widowmaker didn't _do_ anything? We could have killed them _both._**

ANA: shes taking a little nap.

ANA: i recommend you do the same, gabriel.

REAPER: wait what

**[REAPER] went idle.**

ANA: mother knows best

76: lena's back to her station, everyone continue the mission

MERCY: One moment.

76: what

MERCY: I need to kiss my girlfriend.

PHARAH: This is important, Commander Morrison.

76: jesus fucking christ

ANA: isnt young love beautiful jack

ANA: reminds me of you and gabriel

76: it better not

MERCY: Just one quick smooch.

* * *

SYMMETRA: Teleporter online. We move swiftly.

D.VA: satya! i haven't seen you on this channel at all!!!

SYMMETRA: I found it to be ridiculous, but my comm has been broken. This was the only alternative.

WINSTON: Finally, someone uses it for the _actual intended use._

PHARAH: This is an emergency channel? Since when?

WINSTON: SINCE WHEN I FIRST MADE IT!

LÚCIO: oh yeahhh i remember when it used to be that

LÚCIO: isnt it kind of useless now because we have talon agents on it

WINSTON: Let's not talk about that.

TRACER: well theyre both asleep right now...

**[ANA AMARI] changed channel name to** **[SLEEP TIGHT REAP TIGHT].**

* * *

WIDOWMAKER: _C'était dégoutant de ta part,_ Morrison.

76: i'm from indiana i don't know how you expect me to understand this

WIDOWMAKER: That was incredibly rude, Morrison.

76: how am i ever going to recover from that insult.

WIDOWMAKER: You'll live, but I hope you are in good condition the next time we meet on the battlefield.

WIDOWMAKER: Keep your eyes peeled.

WIDOWMAKER: Oh, wait. That might be difficult for you.

D.VA: ouuuuuuch

TRACER: the commander already makes blind jokes i dont think itll effect him that much

 

* * *

TRACER: OI STOP INTERRUPTING US

76: YOU'RE ENDANGERING IN THE MISSION

TRACER: _I WAS DISTRACTING HER!!_

76: **SHE HAD A GUN IN HER HAND!**

TRACER: SHE WAS TOO BUSY LOOKING AT ME!

TRACER: SO STOP TELLING ANA TO SHOOT MY GIRLFRIEND WITH SLEEP DARTS!!

D.VA: _finally_ she admits it

SYMMETRA: This is why I do not use the channel.

76: GET BACK TO YOUR STATION, LENA

TRACER: THIS _**IS**_ MY STATION!!!! SHE CAME TO ME!!!!

**[SOLDIER 76] left [SLEEP TIGHT REAP TIGHT].**

ANA: he just threw the communicator against the wall

SYMMETRA: How are we the world's heroes.

SYMMETRA: _Vishkar_ was more organized than this.

D.VA: that's why they're the bad guys!

SYMMETRA: ...

SYMMETRA: This logic seems flawed.

* * *

**[WIDOWMAKER] reentered [SLEEP TIGHT REAP TIGHT].**

WIDOWMAKER: How many of you remember the time Reyes punched Morrison in the face?

76: stop

TRACER: oh man i remember that

TRACER: belted one RIGHT into the kisser

MCCREE: was that an innuendo

WIDOWMAKER: Also when when the two used their pet names instead of the _actual_ codenames.

76: why are you doing this

REAPER: **Stop.**

WIDOWMAKER: Or the time their breakup practically caused the fall of Overwatch.

76: IT WASN'TA BREAKUP WE NEVER DATED

REAPER: **WIDOWMAKER**

D.VA: wait so they were ACTUALLY dating

WIDOWMAKER: Of course.

TRACER: had a couple bets going to see when theyd get together

REINHARDT: i remember that!

REINHARDT: liao was the one organizing those, wasnt he

REINHARDT: made a LOT on those two

76: YOU WERE BETTING ON US???

ANA: they were the power couple of the original team

ANA: quite the sweethearts

ANA: and when i come back theyre divorced and trying to murder each other

REAPER: WE WEREN'T EVER MARRIED.

D.VA: you forgot to bold it edgelord

REAPER: **SILENCE**

D.VA: i'm typing not talking

ANA: never fought for more than day before i left

ANA: it was always over something silly but they always made out

ANA: *up

76: you're doing this on purpose aren't you

ANA: why would you think that

ANA: english isnt my first language after all

TRACER: theyd always wear each others jackets

TRACER: it was kind of cute

LÚCIO: whaaaat no way

MERCY: Once they kept the entire strike team locked up in a room because they were arguing whether salt was a spice or not.

76: IT _IS_ A SPICE

REAPER: NO IT'S NOT????

D.VA: wtf salt's not a spice??

LÚCIO: yeah what

SYMMETRA: Salt is not a spice.

WIDOWMAKER: It is not.

PHARAH: No?

76: SALT'S A SPICE IT ADDS FLAVOR

D.VA: ?????????

REAPER: SPICES ARE MADE FROM PLANTS I WASN'T AWARE THAT SALT, FROM THE FUCKING _OCEAN,_ IS A _PLANT,_ JACK.

REAPER: DUMBASS

76: IT ADDS FLAVOR TO FOOD WHICH MAKES IT A SPICE

TRACER: salts not a spice

REAPER: EVEN OXTON KNOWS AND SHE'S FROM _ENGLAND_

TRACER: whussat supposed to mean

WIDOWMAKER: British food is disgusting, _cherie._

WIDOWMAKER: Those fish and chips you gave me was quite possibly the worst thing I have ever tasted.

TRACER: oi dont go around insulting my favorite meal!! english food is plenty good

D.VA: ...

LÚCIO: .........

PHARAH: ...

TRACER: :(

REAPER: **Salt isn't a spice.**

MERCY: Oh good, you found the bold button again. I was beginning to worry you were losing your edge.

D.VA: 엄마 fucking savage

D.VA: anyway salt's not a spice

**[JESSE MCCREE] reentered [SLEEP TIGHT REAP TIGHT].**

MCCREE: yeah salt aint a spice

LÚCIO: whereve you been?

**[HANZO SHIMADA] reentered [SLEEP TIGHT REAP TIGHT].**

HANZO: Salt is not a spice.

D.VA: oh

LÚCIO: this again

REAPER: **Even your own teammates have abandoned on, Jack. Surrender now.**

SYMMETRA: Why are you being so dramatic about this.

REAPER: **Surrender, Jack.**

76: no

D.VA: you're no longer cool

76: what

ANA: he was never cool

D.VA: you've got a point

76: what

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was gonna make this and the last chapter combined but i thought it was too confusing, so, technically a double update?
> 
> i finally added symmetra even though there isn't much of her... . i apologize i will find a way
> 
> again my tumblr is arcaneadagio!! stop by and ask a couple questions if you like
> 
>  
> 
> EDIT: OKAY i just realized i forgot to add this one last thing!!  
> kereea suggested widowmaker shittalking reaper and 76's past relationship because she kept getting interrupted so thank them for this chapter!! i've been looking to use it for a while!!
> 
>  
> 
> EDIT EDIT: HEYO!!! i have to thank @ceebirdy from tumblr for helping me with spanish, and thanks to those who pointed out some of the mistakes i made before!! if i ever do something like that with any language, don't hesitate to correct me!


	11. banjo and wifi mystery hour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact reinhardt was born in like the 2000-2010 era so he'd know all of the current memes

**[D.VA] reentered [SLEEP TIGHT REAP TIGHT].**

D.VA: who wants to see my "cool" list

76: what is that

D.VA: who's cool and who isn't

D.VA: i had to update it after yesterday

LÚCIO: am i cool?

D.VA: duh!!

D.VA: so is widowmaker

76: she's the _enemy_

D.VA: she's still cool!

TRACER: so whos cool and who isnt

D.VA: here's the list!

_[attached image: meosjinai.png]_

D.VA: i translated this into english for you morons

SYMMETRA: I wasn't aware I was "cool."

D.VA: you know memes!

MCCREE: i dont care

HANZO: He's crying.

MCCREE: no im not

HANZO: _[attached image:_ _yesyouare_ _.png_ ]

MCCREE: DONT

GENJI: Why must I git gud

D.VA: you told me you used to be good at video games but when i played you sucked!

GENJI: It has been many years since i last trained

HANZO: You spent _three days_ in that arcade once.

GENJI: Why is my mentor cooler than me

D.VA: zenyatta's great at video games

GENJI: What

D.VA: yeah he's like super good especially at rhythm games

GENJI: He never told me that??

ZENYATTA: I never found it necessary.

GENJI: But

D.VA: AND zenny has a wifi hotspot wherever he goes!!

D.VA: he's the best

ZENYATTA: My thanks, Ms. Song.

GENJI: He has a WHAT

GENJI: MASTER HOW COULD YOU HAVE NEVER TOLD ME THIS

ZENYATTA: I apologize. I was not aware you wanted access to the wifi.

GENJI: _I could have saved so much data_

MERCY: Genji.

MERCY: You do realize that _you_ have a wifi hotspot as well, right?

GENJI: What

MERCY: .......

MERCY: ....................I told you about this when I first built your body?

GENJI: **What**

MERCY: It

MERCY: It was one the features I said you could activate?

MERCY: Have you been paying for data this entire time?

GENJI: I

GENJI: Yes??????

TRACER: did you not know this????

SYMMETRA: My prosthetic comes with a wifi hotspot.

D.VA: yeah how else do you think i stream in our fights????

D.VA: do you know how expensive it would be otherwise??

D.VA: zenny's my moderator!!

LÚCIO: hanas got the best chatroom in the world

LÚCIO: nothin gets by

TRACER: imagine the speed of THOSE memes

SYMMETRA: Don't.

TRACER: hey winston dya think i could get a wifi hotspot installed into my accelerator??

WINSTON: No.

TRACER: :(

* * *

 

WIDOWMAKER: >> /whisper [TRACER] <<

WIDOWMAKER: >> What is the Cyborg Shimada's wifi password? <<

WIDOWMAKER: >> I am getting bored up here. You move too quickly. <<

TRACER: >> /whisper [WIDOWMAKER] <<

TRACER: >> idk?? <<

TRACER: >> try hanzosucks1234 <<

WIDOWMAKER: It did not work.

**[WIDOWMAKER] went idle.]**

**[WIDOWMAKER] reentered [SLEEP TIGHT REAP TIGHT].**

MCCREE: MY SERAPE

D.VA: get over it

D.VA: you can get a new poncho

MCCREE: IT AINT A PONCHO

MCCREE: THE HELL YOUD HAVE TO DO THAT FOR

WIDOWMAKER: And I was so close to knocking that ridiculous hat off your head.

TRACER: >> anyway try greencyborgninja <<

WIDOWMAKER: >> That also did not work. <<

TRACER: >> hmmmm <<

REAPER: **WHO KEEPS PLAYING MARIO MUSIC**

D.VA: it’s a special feature for my meka

* * *

MCCREE: theoretically we could play any song on hanas meka

LÚCIO: dude my whole thing is playing music in fights

MCCREE: yeah but youre playing those special songs of yours not my playlist of good music

LÚCIO: i wouldnt call country “good music”

76: dva do you have twenty one pilots

D.VA: what are twenty one pilots

76: kids these days don’t know the classics

D.VA: ( -_-)

MCCREE: 21 pilots? what is this 2020

BASTION: bwoop beep beep ^( ^u^)~

ZENYATTA: Bastion would recommend song covers played on floppy disks.

LÚCIO: played on what now

ZENYATTA: I would recommend twelve hours of whale noises.

TRACER: what about swing!! or punk pop

REINHARDT: play the classics! can never go wrong with hasselhoff

REINHARDT: or fall out boy, another classic

GENJI: Do i have speakers on my body by any chance?

MERCY: No.

GENJI: Can i get speakers?

MERCY: Maybe.

ANA: twenty one pilots is garbage

76: you listen to metal you’re not one to talk

D.VA: WHAAAAT

LÚCIO: wait seriously

ANA: of course i do

ANA: the greatest genre of all time

REAPER: **Play death metal.**

76: shut up reyes we all know your favorite genre is broadway musicals

ANA: poser

JUNKRAT: FIVE HOURS OF VAPORWAVE MADE FROM BOMBS AND MICROWAVES

JUNKRAT: ITS LITERALLY """FIRE"""

D.VA: clasps hands together very gently

D.VA: _no_

SYMMETRA: Why not play something soothing?

MCCREE: i still recommend country

LÚCIO: she said something soothing

ANA: no

76: No

BASTION: beep bop…..

ZENYATTA: Agreed.

GENJI: No

REAPER:  **We are not having a repeat of your first day.**

D.VA: i never agreed to play _anyone’s_ music!!!

* * *

D.VA: BLASTING COUNTRY AT MIDNIGHT ISN’T GOING TO CONVINCE ME TO PLAY IT DURING FIGHTS

MCCREE: im not playing anything

D.VA: _don’t lie to me cowboy I know the truth_

MCCREE: IM NOT LYING IF I PLAYED COUNTRY THIS LATE ANA WOULD SKIN ME

LÚCIO: ok even if thats true its still really annoying

D.VA: IF I HEAR  **ONE MORE BANJO** I'M GOING TO RIP OUT SOMEONE'S 목구멍

MCCREE: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS AND IM NOT SURE I WANT TO

MCCREE: ALSO IM IN MY ROOM I WOKE UP LIKE FIVE MINUTES AGO

**[PHARAH] reentered [SLEEP TIGHT REAP TIGHT].**

PHARAH: Tell McCree to stop playing country music at midnight.

PHARAH: Angela was just about to fall asleep.

MCCREE: IM NOT PLAYING ANYTHING I SWEAR

**[GENJI SHIMADA] went idle.**

**[GENJI SHIMADA] reentered [SLEEP TIGHT REAP TIGHT].**

GENJI: Hes not lying he is in his room

MCCREE: MY DOOR

GENJI: I ran in there and checked

MCCREE: YOU COULD HAVE KNOCKED

GENJI: Its faster this way

LÚCIO: i think its coming from the training area

LÚCIO: lets head over there!

GENJI: Understood

D.VA: got it!

PHARAH: I’m staying with Angie.

* * *

D.VA: holy fucking shit

PHARAH: Who was it?

ZENYATTA: I am also curious.

PHARAH: When did you get here?

PHARAH: Oh

PHARAH: Right

MCCREE: im

GENJI: I dont know what i expected but

GENJI: I

LÚCIO: this

LÚCIO: is something

PHARAH: Who was it?

GENJI: …

**[HANZO SHIMADA] reentered [SLEEP TIGHT REAP TIGHT].**

PHARAH: No.

GENJI: Brother

GENJI: You may have killed me or whatever

GENJI: But that pain is _nothing_ to the disappointment i feel right now

HANZO: **_うるさい._**

MCCREE: knew there was a reason i started dating you

HANZO: 

GENJI: You mean apart from the fact i showed you a picture like a decade ago and you thought he was hot

HANZO: You did what now.

D.VA: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU LIKE COUNTRY??? I’M HONESTLY A LITTLE BETRAYED

LÚCIO: yeah wtf

GENJI: My brothers an amerophile

D.VA: a freeaboo

**[HANZO SHIMADA] left [SLEEP TIGHT REAP TIGHT].**

GENJI: I am still reeling from this revelation

GENJI: I need some time to recover

* * *

**[SOLDIER 76] reentered [SLEEP TIGHT REAP TIGHT].**

76: did i miss something

D.VA: so much

76: we have a mission today so you better not have stayed up all night

D.VA: IT’S HANZO’S FAULT

GENJI: It really is

LÚCIO: yeah

* * *

TRACER: >> /whisper [WIDOWMAKER] <<

TRACER: >> ive got the password!! i saw genji change it right before we left to kick your ass <<

WIDOWMAKER: >> What is it. <<

TRACER: >> “CowboyFuckerHanzo” <<

WIDOWMAKER: >> ... <<

WIDOWMAKER: >> It worked. <<

* * *

D.VA: i let someone else pick the song today.

MCCREE: what

MCCREE: who

 **[REINHARDT] reentered [SLEEP TIGHT REAP TIGHT].**  

GENJI: No

GENJI: _No_

HANZO: _What is this._

REAPER:  **WHAT IS THIS**

D.VA: _[BELIEVE IT](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8xoTBZrzko)_

D.VA: **_BELIIIIEEEEEEVE IT_ **

REINHARDT: ALWAYS STICK TO THE CLASSICS!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry?? whoops
> 
> thanks to @ceebirdy for the (very brief whoops) spanish again!! you should follow them they're cool
> 
> EDIT: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTlsuZMwlmM this is what bastion listens to THIS IS WHAT BASTION WAS REFERRING TO


	12. how to incite rebellion with memes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry

D.VA: did anyone else just hear hanzo meme????

D.VA: like he just whispered "all your base are belong to us" i didn't hallucinate that right

LÚCIO: i thought i was just imagining that??????

GENJI: OH MY GOD

GENJI: NOT AGAIN

GENJI: BROTHER

HANZO: What.

GENJI: _BROTHER_

MCCREE: wait are yall telling me what i think youre saying

HANZO: I do not understand.

GENJI: One time i found him in his room when we were children

GENJI: Watching some decades old video about chocolate rain or _something_

REINHARDT: a classic

HANZO: It is funny.

TRACER: hey widow you know how i said you shouldnt kill people

WIDOWMAKER: No.

TRACER: im beginning to reconsider my own words

GENJI: Here we go again

* * *

HANZO: You just lost the game.

REINHARDT: _DAMMIT_

D.VA: ?????

LÚCIO: huh?

TRACER: mate

WIDOWMAKER: _Je vais te buter_.

GENJI: Why did we allow my brother into overwatch again

76: it was your idea

GENJI: I NEVER WANTED THIS

D.VA: what's the game??

REINHARDT: A game of skill and wit, passed down through the ages.

D.VA: k

MCCREE: yknow whos memes were the worst 

MCCREE: reyes  


MCCREE: you should have seen the old chatroom

LÚCIO: worse than hanzos?

MCCREE: oh yeah.

76: let's not talk about that.

 

* * *

TRACER: i made dinner!

TRACER: _[attached img: cake_man_t(c)ake_me_by_the_hand]_

D.VA: that's just a cake

D.VA: not that i'm complaining but that's literally just a cake

SYMMETRA: The cake is not a lie.

D.VA: AYYYY

MCCREE: OH so its funny when SATYA memes but not me or hanzo

HANZO: Hanzo or I.

D.VA: first, you don't KNOW any good memes

D.VA: and second because she's SATYA

MERCY: I refuse to just eat cake for dinner, do you know how unhealthy that is?

TRACER: yeah

MERCY: I'm making dinner.

TRACER: :(

MCCREE: honestly im amazed thats even recognizable as a cake

MCCREE: remember the last time lena tried to cook something

ANA: id prefer not to

76: we don't talk about the macaroni incident.

* * *

LÚCIO: _[attached vid: workoutswzarya]_

LÚCIO: BIRL

MCCREE: whats birl

WIDOWMAKER: You are not even lifting anything.

WIDOWMAKER: Zaryanov is lifting _you._

LÚCIO: cmon look me in the eye and TELL me that if zarya said she would lift yous you wouldnt let her

WIDOWMAKER: ...

TRACER: to be honest

TRACER: same

ZARYA: Speaking of workouts, Reinhardt.

ZARYA: You promised me an arm wrestling match.

REINHARDT: i dont remember that

ANA: im fairly certain you did promise that

ANA: scared, reinhardt?

REINHARDT: ...no

HANZO: I will get the betting pool spreadsheets. Again.

MCCREE: thats not necessary

MCCREE: we all know whos gonna win

* * *

REINHARDT: MY ARM

MERCY: STOP TYPING THEN!!!

REINHARDT: NO

PHARAH: You know, I liked that table.

ANA: there are worse ways to go

ANA: right jack

76: right

REINHARDT: I BURIED YOU TWO

REINHARDT: I SPOKE AT YOUR FUNERALS

ANA: lol

* * *

SYMMETRA: Who has cooking duty tonight?

D.VA: i do!!!

SYMMETRA: Hm.

D.VA: well, me _and_ lena

MCCREE: welp

MCCREE: nice knowing ya fellas

D.VA: we should do bbq

JUNKRAT: DID SOMEBODY SAY BARBEQUE

D.VA: _REAL_ barbeque, like bulgogi

JUNKRAT: that aint real barbeque

D.VA: well when _you're_ on kitchen duty, you can show me your _inferior australian cooking_

* * *

TRACER: this is fine

D.VA: how

TRACER: i dont know??

D.VA: how did you set _water_ on _fire_

D.VA: YOU MADE A CAKE HOW DO YOU SET WATER ON FIRE???

TRACER: IT JUST HAPPENS???

D.VA: I CONSIDER MYSELF TO BE PRETTY BAD AT COOKING

D.VA: BUT THIS IS NEXT LEVEL

TRACER: _listen_

WIDOWMAKER: _Cherie._

D.VA: I'LL DO IT I CAN COOK THIS BY MYSELF I'M USED TO IT

TRACER: _OKAY FINE!!_

* * *

TRACER: yknow that was pretty good considering i set the kitchen on fire

D.VA: mostly because i stopped letting you help

MERCY: No texting at the dinner table, please.

D.VA: but you're texting at the dinner table right now

MERCY: ...

* * *

MEI: i just checked over the schedule

MEI: the shimadas are cooking tonight! :)

MCCREE: somebodys going to die

MCCREE: either again or for the first time

* * *

HANZO: Stop using your sword to cut vegetables.

GENJI: Were in the same room why are you texting

HANZO: Stop using your sword to cut vegetables.

GENJI: I washed it

HANZO: _That's not the problem._

GENJI: What else am i supposed to use it for?? Stabbing?? Why cant i do both?????  


HANZO: YOU'RE A DISGRACE TO THE SHIMADA CLAN.

GENJI: TECHNICALLY WE BOTH ARE?????????

* * *

LÚCIO: that was pretty good all things considered

MERCY: The kitchen is a wreck.

MERCY: Again.

MERCY: Were the dragons _really_ necessary?

HANZO: Yes.

GENJI: Yes

ZENYATTA: ...

GENJI: No

HANZO: Maybe.

* * *

ANA: votes for not letting jack cook tonight are in and its unanimous

76: i'm not that bad

REINHARDT: that sounds fake but okay

GENJI: Stop

REAPER: 

D.VA: ???

LÚCIO: what

D.VA: _what the FUCK is that_

MCCREE: what the hell is going on

MERCY: Here we go.

MERCY: Again.

76: Jesus Fucking Christ

* * *

ANA: anyone remember when we couldnt contact gabriel and jack in time for a mission to start and i found them in a closet making out

76: no

D.VA: OH MY GOD _DID YOU ACTUALLY_

76: STAY FOCUSED ON THE DAMN MISSION

ANA: its called a distraction

LÚCIO: whaaat no way thats hilarious

REAPER:

**NO AHORA POR FAVOR**

GENJI: I will make the choice here to ignore ms amaris statement (sorry) and wonder what the HELL is that thing

PHARAH: Five enemies to the left, Genji. Watch out.

PHARAH: Never mind. I have neutralized them.

MCCREE: your memes are the worst

* * *

WIDOWMAKER: I cannot handle this any longer.

WIDOWMAKER: Reaper has continued to "meme" for the past week.

TRACER: BWAHAHAHAH REALLY??

WIDOWMAKER: _Pourquoi._

* * *

WIDOWMAKER: _D'accord._

WIDOWMAKER: I've decided.

WIDOWMAKER: I'm leaving Talon and joining Overwatch.

REAPER: **What**

REAPER: **Why**

WIDOWMAKER: _I never want to see that monkey again._

REAPER: **WHY**

WIDOWMAKER: _Au revoir._

MCCREE: so this is how talon falls

MCCREE: not with a bang

MCCREE: but a meme

D.VA: nice

LÚCIO: nice

REAPER: **Widowmaker, get back here this instant.**

WIDOWMAKER: ...

REAPER: **TRACER'S MEMES AREN'T ANY BETTER**

WIDOWMAKER: ...

WIDOWMAKER: _Au revoir._

TRACER: is she actually gonna do it

TRACER: BWAHAHAHAH SHE DID IT THE ABSOLUTE MADMAN

TRACER: SHE ACTUALLY JUST DROPPED HER GUN AND LOOKED AT ME THROUGH THE WINDOW

TRACER: _[attached img: HOLYSHIT.png]_

D.VA: meme warfare

PHARAH: This is

PHARAH: Not how I expected this mission to go.

MCCREE: aw reyes is just sad nobody is gonna be forced to hear his memes anymore

* * *

HANZO: How are you all just going to let this happen. Our security cannot possibly be this relaxed. 

ANA: amelies in the holding cell with lena it should be fine

TRACER: brb!! ;)

** [TRACER] went idle. **

** [WIDOWMAKER] went idle. **

ANA: my plan worked after all

REINHARDT: you cant have planned of of this

ANA: lol no im just fucking with you i had no idea this would happen

ANA: but it worked out so

PHARAH: ...Mother...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lsiten. listen.
> 
> thanks to DaughterOfInkAndLetters and Laslus for all of the memes . they are partially responsible for this monstrocity


	13. we can't call them the olympics we'd be sued

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I FINALLY UPDATED

LÚCIO: i still cant get over the fact that the only reason widow joined us is because of reyes weird old memes

TRACER: im not complaining

TRACER: May I have my communicator back now, or am I going to have to sit here for another two days.

WINSTON: Is Lena in the holding room with you again?

TRACER: noooo im not

WINSTON: Oh my god.

TRACER: cmooooooooon

76: we still don’t know if we can trust her

TRACER: youve seen reyes memes before

MCCREE: she has a good point

MCCREE: once i threw myself out a window because of them once

TRACER: ive never heard this story & i demand to know it!!

76: you don’t want to.

MCCREE: so someone kept leaving these like 40 year old memes

TRACER: you mean from like 2016

MCCREE: yeah they were 30 years old

MCCREE: so someone kept leaving them around the base and we were confused

MCCREE: everyone thought it was ME for some reason

MCCREE: because i speak spanish and reyes was _obviously_ too serious for it (yeah right)

ANA: oh i remember this

MCCREE: so i was blamed for it and was forced to go on a quest to clear my name

MCCREE: so i camped out round this one hallway where there werent any memes

MCCREE: thought theyd strike there next

MCCREE: so i see this shadowy figure outta the corner of my eye

MCCREE: im filming this whole thing by the way

MCCREE: and i see commander reyes

MCCREE: standing there

MCCREE: pasting memes onto the hallway and laughing to himself

MCCREE: but then he sees me and i dont have a death wish

MCCREE: so i get the hell outta dodge

D.VA: stop

MCCREE: and im running but reyes is faster, and the only exits been locked

MCCREE: i noticed a window and using some quick thinking

MCCREE: i jump

D.VA: your quick thinking sucks

LÚCIO: you just JUMPED??? out of a window?? thats crazy

MCCREE: yeah i kind of broke both of my legs

MCCREE: angela didnt speak to me for like a month

MCCREE: but i didnt have to deal with reyes being mad because he was too shocked about my legs

MCCREE: i thought it was a fair tradeoff

76: i hate overwatch

D.VA: you helped create it??

76: so

D.VA: maybe the whole swiss hq incident was a set up and the real reason for overwatch’s collapse was that reaper wouldn’t stop memeing

D.VA: can anyone confirm

ANA: _#confirm_

76: you weren’t even there you were dead

LÚCIO: a hashtag?

TRACER: what is this 2015

D.VA: it’s cool when cap does it

ANA: everything i do is cool

D.VA: yeah

LÚCIO: yeah

**[REAPER] reentered [SLEEP TIGHT REAP TIGHT].**

MCCREE: we were just talking about you

REAPER: **I don’t care. Where is Widowmaker.**

WIDOWMAKER: _J'suis occupée._

TRACER: shes busy

TRACER: ;) & so am i

MCCREE: hey reyes remember the time i jumped out of a window at 3am

REAPER: **Unfortunately.**

ANA: if were embarassing reyes because hes evil now

ANA: i have some good photos

ANA: _[attached img: GOSPEEDBIKER.png]_

D.VA: ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

LÚCIO: kkkkk

TRACER: OHHH I FORGOT ABOUT THAT

TRACER: im saving that

TRACER: nothing can reach quite the beauty of seeing your former commander whos now evil on a bmx bike

TRACER: brings a tear to my eye

D.VA: here's my reaper impression:

D.VA: DEATH COMES

D.VA: _[emo bikes noises]_

D.VA: MORRISON WATCH ME DO THIS SICK KICKFLIP

**[REAPER] left [SLEEP TIGHT REAP TIGHT].**

* * *

LÚCIO: ANYONE KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS???

D.VA: before mccree says anything it's not high noon

MCCREE: dammit

LÚCIO: ITS THE SUMMER GAMES!!!

REINHARDT: [airhorn noises]

LÚCIO: thank you

REINHARDT: i'm still mad that winston got rid of the airhorn bot

WINSTON: It was for the greater good.

LÚCIO: SUMMER GAMES TIME!!!!!

**[LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS] changed channel name to [SUMMER GAMES GET HYPE!!].**

MCCREE: IT IS??

**[JESSE MCCREE] went idle.**

76: great

76: this again.

D.VA: what are the summer games?

76: back in old overwatch we used to host a yearly sports tournament

76: every member would represent their home country and participate in sporting tournaments

D.VA: like the olympics??

76: no the olympics happen once every four years

ANA: also wed be sued if we copied the olympics

76: how did you find out about them

LÚCIO: i was looking through the old files a couple weeks ago

LÚCIO: winston helped me set it all up

D.VA: sounds like fun!!

TRACER: i always win track

WINDOWMAKER: Now why would that be.

TRACER: ;)

LÚCIO: i got a special outfit and everyt

D.VA: ??

LÚCIO: [ai meu deus](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/Q3iqJZEI_jU/maxresdefault.jpg)

**[JESSE MCCREE] reentered [SUMMER GAMES GET HYPE!!].**

BASTION: bweep boooooop (-﹏-。)

ZENYATTA: Unfortunately, Mr. McCree, I must agree with Bastion. That outfit is rather...

GENJI: Its ugly

76: MCCREE PUT THAT THING AWAY

ANA: i thought i burned that.

MCCREE: YOU CANT BURN FREEDOM

ANA: i guess ill just have to burn you with it

ANA: has anyone seen those two boys? the nice ones

D.VA: jamie and roadhog?

ANA: yes them

ANA: they have explosives

**[JUNKRAT] reentered [SUMMER GAMES GET HYPE!!].**

**[MAKO RUTLEDGE] entered [SUMMER GAMES GET HYPE!!].**

**[MAKO RUTLEDGE] changed name to [ROADHOG].**

JUNKRAT: DID SOMEBODY SAY EXPLOSIVES?????

ANA: also maybe that bastion unit can help

MCCREE: ah shit

**[JESSE MCCREE] left [SUMMER GAMES GET HYPE!!].**

* * *

WIDOWMAKER: Why is McCree hiding in the laundry room.

WIDOWMAKER: And _what_ is he wearing?

JUNKRAT: OH THATS WHERE HE IS!!!

MCCREE: FUCK

WIDOWMAKER: ...

* * *

D.VA: hey roadhog do you want to learn how to make a pig emoji?

ROADHOG: ...

ROADHOG: Yes.

D.VA: (｀(●●) ´)

ROADHOG: (｀(●●) ´)

D.VA: (｀(●●) ´)

ROADHOG: (｀(●●) ´)

JUNKRAT: FOUND HIM

ROADHOG: Heading over.

ROADHOG: (｀(●●) ´)

* * *

JUNKRAT: WE GOT HIM!!!

ANA: is he dead

JUNKRAT: nah but hes not wearin anything but a binder now

JUNKRAT: he jumped outta a window yknow?? crazy fucker

JUNKRAT: i jumped after him

ANA: burn the outfit.

JUNKRAT: ONE STEP AHEAD OF YA

MERCY: _What the fuck is going on it is four in the morning._

* * *

LÚCIO: can i wear my summer games outfit to the mission today

LÚCIO: ...

LÚCIO: im not hearing any nos

* * *

MEI: ...um.

MEI: i found mr morrison's pulse rifle in this building? is he okay?

76: i'm fine.

MERCY: _Jack what the fuck are you doing_

76: no i'm fine

MERCY: ?

ANA: hell be fine

ANA: _[attached vid: golfmangolfsyou.mp4]_

D.VA: HAHA OH MY GOD????

LÚCIO: rip talon agents

TRACER: imagine the reports. "why did we fail the mission?" "guy with a golf club."

LÚCIO: whered he even get a golf club??

WIDOWMAKER: Reyes stole it many years ago, in The Divorce. He has kept it ever since.

WIDOWMAKER: I can only assume Morrison stole it back.

MERCY: Are we calling the Swiss HQ bombing "The Divorce" now?

D.VA: from what i have gathered that is basically what it was

MERCY: Fair enough.

WIDOWMAKER: Reaper liked to swear at it.

76: i wondered where this went

REAPER: **Jack.**

76: FORE

**[REAPER] went idle.**

GENJI: I cant believe gabriel reyes is dead

GENJI: Again.

MCCREE: bout damn time

* * *

D.VA: my meka has been destroyed

SYMMETRA: Understood.

D.VA: HEY A BIKE

SYMMETRA: What.

D.VA: _[attached img: talonbikes.png]_

D.VA: they're all so... _edgy_

D.VA: i'm taking one

SYMMETRA: That is not a sound strategy.

D.VA: don't worry i have a helmet

SYMMETRA: That.

SYMMETRA: Is not what I was worried about.

MERCY: Oh my.

D.VA: NYOOM

LÚCIO: WOO HOOOOO GO HANA!!!!

MERCY: She is much faster on that than I anticipated.

MCCREE: why is there so much sports equipment here

LÚCIO: summer games?

MCCREE: ...

MCCREE: thats an overwatch thing

D.VA: I FOUND A FOOTBALL

D.VA: AN ACTUAL FOOTBALL NOT AN AMERICAN FOOTBALL

ZENYATTA: A Talon Operative is approaching behind Lúcio.

D.VA: CATCH

LÚCIO: GOT IT

LÚCIO: SHABAM!!!

D.VA: that was a really good hit

MCCREE: why is everyone using sporting things instead of weapons

D.VA: my meka blew up

LÚCIO: my gun isnt very powerful

MCCREE: oh my god

PHARAH: I'm moving in.

PHARAH: Angie, are you ready?

MERCY: Understood.

D.VA: there go the lesbian bird power couple

MERCY: Hana.

D.VA: eomma

GENJI: Dr ziegler watch out!

GENJI: Airborne talon operative coming from behind!

PHARAH: I'm reloading!

D.VA: ROCKET QUEEN DUNK EM

PHARAH: WHAT

D.VA: LIKE A BASKETBALL!!!!!!!

PHARAH: OKAY???

D.VA: holy shit it worked

PHARAH: I hope they didn't like those windows.

* * *

MCCREE: well that just happened

LÚCIO: maybe we dont need the summer games this year

LÚCIO: that was like twelve sports in one

TRACER: AND we took down a talon base

LÚCIO: nice

TRACER: nice

LÚCIO: guess we should change the chat name now...

ANA: i have an idea

** [ANA AMARI] changed channel name to [GABRIEL REYES BMX CHAMPION]. **

ANA: i have more photos

D.VA: GIMME

REAPER: **Pathetic.**

76: shut up reyes, you're the one who passed out because of a golf ball

ANA: jack maybe you should try using those for long distance healing

76: what

ANA: hit them in the face with one of your biotic fields

76: ...

D.VA: nooo

76: ........

* * *

76: GET STABILIZED

JUNKRAT: OI MATE WHAT THE FUCK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when will blizzard stop attacking me personally and give me the korea d.va skin
> 
> thanks to ThatPanda for the idea of using the summer games skins!!


	14. hovertext and lesbians

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as you might be able to guess, there's hovertext and more lesbians in this one
> 
> and sorry for taking so long i was on vacation. technically i still am but i'm leaving in like an hour So,

76: (;;;>_>) who did this

TRACER: hahaha what???

D.VA: ㅇㅇㅇㅇㅇㅇㅇㅇㅇㅇ

D.VA: IT WORKED

D.VA: HIGH FIVES

LÚCIO: nice!!

REINHARDT: _EXCELLENT_ WORK!

76: (; ･`д･´) HOW DO I TURN IT OFF

TRACER: BWAHAHAHAH WHAT DID YOU DO

LÚCIO: we hacked into 76s visor so it adds emotes every sentence

REINHARDT: and it watches what expression jack has so it matches what face he's actually making!

ANA: perfect

76: (눈_눈 ) how did you get into my visor

REINHARDT: we snuck in and stole it

GENJI: You mean he doesnt sleep with it

76: ( ಠ _ಠ) you managed to sneak into my visor and hack it in the _five minutes_ i showered this morning

D.VA: well we made the code like a week ago so we just had to plug it in!

76: (｡ì _ í｡) ...

LÚCIO: this is amazing

76: o(-`д´- ｡) why not choose _anyone else_

LÚCIO: well we cant hack into zenny or bastion

LÚCIO: mr reyes doesnt have a computer in his mask

LÚCIO: and genji would probably enjoy it

GENJI: Youre absolutely right how do i get it right now

JUNKRAT: ROADIE YOUD LIKE THAT TOO

ROADHOG: Yes.

D.VA: i'll send the code

D.VA: not sure how roadhog can get it to work with a non-electronic mask but

JUNKRAT: WELL MAKE IT WORK

GENJI: ありがとございます。

D.VA: also he would have the best reaction

ANA: good job children

ANA: and reinhardt

76: (*｀Ω´*) widowmaker has a visor

LÚCIO: does it look like i have a death wish

TRACER: now THATS a good idea

WIDOWMAKER: Do not.

TRACER: ;P

76: （｀Δ´）okay but _how do i turn it off_

D.VA: i dunno

REINHARDT: i have no idea!

76: (๑･`▱´･๑) are you kidding me

LÚCIO: we didnt really program an off switch

76: (#｀皿´) _why_

GENJI: Why would you want to shut it off

76: ┗|｀O´|┛ ISN'T THAT OBVIOUS

D.VA: I LOVE THIS SO MUCH

* * *

SYMMETRA: Where is Dr. Zhou?

TRACER: think shes in the lab with bastion rn

TRACER: why?

SYMMETRA: I have some suggestions for improvements to her machine.

SYMMETRA: I believe it is called Snowball.

D.VA: i love snowball it is my friend

SYMMETRA: It is rather cute.

SYMMETRA: I am heading to the lab now.

D.VA: later!! ;p

**[SYMMETRA] left [GABRIEL REYES BMX CHAMPION].**

* * *

MERCY: Mei, please give us warning next time if Snowball's range has increased. We aren't all prepared for the cold.

PHARAH: Darling, don't text in bed.

MEI: IM SO SORRY AHHHH

MEI: ILL TRY AND MAKE IT UP TO YOU AND I AM SO SO SORRY

MEI:。：゜(ﾟ´Д｀ﾟ)゜： 。

SYMMETRA: This is partially my fault. I am sorry for the trouble.

BASTION: ｡･ﾟ･(ﾉД`)ヽ(´∀｀ ) bweep boop boop

ZENYATTA: Agreed, it is alright. Mistakes happen.

* * *

ZARYA: LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL GUN

TRACER: wot didya name it as well

ZARYA: I did not

ZARYA: A close relative named _his_ gun though

ZARYA: And bought it tiny bed

TRACER: thats pretty embarrassing

ZARYA: Yes

ZARYA: He should have bought a better bed

SYMMETRA: Agent Zarya, please refrain from treating your gun with such carelessness. It will damage the fragile wiring and possibly inflict gravitational damage to the surrounding area and people.

SYMMETRA: The mechanism, while ingenious, was not originally designed for human use. It did not have to go through the same endurance testing as, say, Ms. Oxton's guns.

SYMMETRA: If you wish, I can try and improve the sturdiness of your gun to allow for more reckless maneuvers.

ZARYA: ...

* * *

ZARYA: /whisper [MEI-LING ZHOU]

ZARYA: <<Satya is very knowledgable about my gun>>  


ZARYA: <<I like her>>

MEI: /whisper [ZARYA]

MEI: <<me too!!!!>>

MEI: <<and she is so pretty and smart!!>>

MEI: <<...>>

ZARYA: <<...>>

MEI: <<we should invite her for a special dinner>>

ZARYA: <<Yes>>

MEI: <<what's the fanciest food you can think of>>

* * *

D.VA: where's satya??

LÚCIO: i dunno

MCCREE: check the kitchen

D.VA: 엄

D.VA: 마

D.VA: 야

D.VA: THEY'RE ALL SMILING AND HAPPY !!!

D.VA: and

D.VA: eating pizza?

D.VA: satyas eating it with a fork

SYMMETRA: We do read these.

SYMMETRA: I do not want pizza grease on my mechanical hand.

D.VA: that's fair

GENJI: When did the kitchen become such a popular place for dates

GENJI: I had some ice cream in the fridge i wanted and now this is happening

MCCREE: can you even eat

GENJI: If i try

MCCREE: ???

LÚCIO: but why the kitchen?

MCCREE: its a pretty nice place when it isnt being destroyed by spirit dragons

GENJI: Wow

LÚCIO: a nice spot for dates?

* * *

HANZO: /whisper [GENJI SHIMADA]

HANZO: <<Genji.>>

GENJI: /whisper [HANZO SHIMADA]

GENJI: <<What>>

HANZO: <<When did you become taller than I.>>

GENJI: <<Take a wild guess brother>>

GENJI: <<Heres a hint:>>

GENJI: <<Dr ziegler had difficulty finding out your measurements were so she could make me taller>>

GENJI: <<By _exactly_ one inch >>

HANZO: <<...>>

HANZO: <<Are you really that petty.>>

GENJI: _< <You killed me let me have this>>_

* * *

MERCY: Has anyone seen Fareeha?

TRACER: what is it time for a............

TRACER: _checkup_

TRACER: [WINK](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izGwDsrQ1eQ)

REINHARDT: I HAVE THE **PERFECT** MEME FOR THIS

TRACER: REALLY

REINHARDT: YES!!!!

LÚCIO: thanks meme grandpa

REINHARDT: HERE IT IS

REINHARDT: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

TRACER: _checkup ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_

SYMMETRA: What is that.

REINHARDT: he is deg deg

ANA: thats a lenny face, reinhardt

ANA: dont be ridiculous

GENJI: Commander morrison hasnt said anything in a while

D.VA: i think he's trying to not activate the program ㅋㅋㅋ

TRACER: settle down were getting off topic

TRACER: so whatre you doing at fareehas... _checkup ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_ angela?

TRACER: _examining_ things???

ANA: you do realize you are discussing my daughters _"checkup ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)"_ with her **mother** present

TRACER: ...

REINHARDT: ...

TRACER: whoops

ANA: jk i dont care

ANA: as long as fareehas happy im okay

TRACER: awwww

**[PHARAH] reentered [GABRIEL REYES BMX CHAMPION].**

JUNKRAT: WE WERE JUST TALKIN ABOUT YOU

PHARAH: أوه لا, about what?

ANA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

MERCY: Fareeha, where are you?  


PHARAH: I'm in the kitchen.

MERCY: I need to update your medical files after the last mission, and you need to take your HRT.

MERCY: I should probably do that as well, actually.

PHARAH: Okay, Angie.

TRACER: _angie ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_

MERCY: Lena.

MERCY: Fareeha, can you come to my office?

TRACER: SOMEONE WILL CERTAINLY BE COM-9-14-7

D.VA: uhhhh what

**[TRACER] changed name to [HLNYIZ].**

HLNYIZ: 8-15-12-1 16-5-18-4-5-4-15-18-5-19

**[REAPER] reentered [GABRIEL REYES BMX CHAMPION].**

REAPER: **N** **ot this again.**

HLNYIZ: 凸(-V-)凸  3-15-13-5-13-5 5-12 3-21-12-15, 7-1-2-18-9-5-12

REAPER: **SOMBRA**

HLNYIZ:  5-19-20 2-9-5-14 5-19-20 2-9-5-14 14-1-4-1 13-1-19 5-19-20-15-25 5-19-16-5-18-1-14-4-15 1 17-21-5 12-15-19 14-5-18-4-19 20-5-18-13-9-14-5-14 4-5 4-5-19-3-9-6-18-1-18 5-19-20-1 16-9-19-20-1 8-1 19-9-4-15 13-21-25 1-2-21-18-18-9-4-15 8-1-19-20-1 1-8-15-18-1 

HLNYIZ: 10-1-10-1-10-1-10-1-10-1 

**[HLNYIZ] changed channel name to [5 PERCENT FUCKERS].**

**[HLNYIZ] changed name to [TRACER].**

REAPER: **Annoying.**

**[REAPER] left [5 PERCENT FUCKERS].**

TRACER: WOAH my comm just went wild for a bit there

76: (｀_´)ゞdoes anyone know what the hell just happened

D.VA: ...

LÚCIO: nope

SYMMETRA: I do not.

GENJI: No

MERCY: I have... no idea.

D.VA: i think...

D.VA: we were just owned

* * *

WINSTON: Okay, everybody, head to the deck. Ten minutes until we head out.

GENJI: Isnt it dangerous to announce our missions when we have reyes in this channel

TRACER: lol like he doesnt show up to make out with 76 every mission anyway

76: (>_< #) he does not

TRACER: snnnnnrmmnmkfjkgnjkgf you still havent made a code or something to stop it??

76: (o｀ﾟ皿ﾟ) I'M FROM RURAL INDIANA 

LÚCIO: dont wanna be rude but like

LÚCIO: "he does not" is the biggest lie ive heard all year

WIDOWMAKER: Talon always had information about the Overwatch missions. It does not make a difference either way.

GENJI: I do not feel secure in the slightest

LÚCIO: dr zieglers coming

LÚCIO: right

MERCY: I'm here!

PHARAH: Apologies for our lateness.

D.VA: what about symmeirya

MCCREE: what

LÚCIO: symmeirya

MCCREE: **_what_**

D.VA: mei, zarya, and satya!! it's a ship name!!

MCCREE: oh

MCCREE: do me and hanzo have one

D.VA: mchanzo

MCCREE: what the fuck thats terrible

MCCREE: it sounds like a cheap mcdonalds in hanamura

GENJI: Thats basically what it is

MCCREE: **WOW**

GENJI: What about "ohaiyo noon"

MCCREE: SEE THATS GOOD

D.VA: i am going to keep calling it mchanzo to annoy you

MCCREE: ITS _MY_ SHIP NAME, _I_ SHOULD GET TO NAME IT

TRACER: mchanzo

**[MCCREE] left [5 PERCENT FUCKERS].**

****[ZARYA] reentered [5 PERCENT FUCKERS].** **

ZARYA: We will be arriving shortly!!

ZARYA: I must carry my girlfriends in my arms

****[SYMMETRA] reentered [5 PERCENT FUCKERS].** **

SYMMETRA: This is highly unstable.

ZARYA: I can put you down

SYMMETRA: No, I am... well.

REINHARDT: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

TRACER: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

GENJI: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

ANA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

76: <(｀^´)> get a move on, you three.

ANA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) come on jack

ANA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) get into the team spirit

MERCY: It is the least you could do.

76: (¬__¬) ...

76: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

TRACER: HE ACTUALLY DID IT

D.VA: OHHHHH

76:（；¬＿¬) i hate overwatch

* * *

**[JUNKRAT] reentered [5 PERCENT FUCKERS].**

JUNKRAT: WE MODIFIED THE CODE THING FOR ROADIE

JUNKRAT: IT ADDS PIG FACES TO EVERY SENTENCE NOW

ROADHOG: (｀(●●) ´) (｀(●●) ´) (｀(●●) ´)

76: (ﾒ -_-)？did you figure out how make to stop it adding emojis

JUNKRAT: I GUESS YEAH

76: ε-(｀.´) oh thank god send me the code

JUNKRAT: AIGHT

MCCREE: whered you learn how to code

JUNKRAT: SOME BLOKE TAUGHT ME IN EXCHANGE FOR SIX RADIOACTIVE CHICKENS AND A LAMP

JUNKRAT: IT WAS A GREAT DEAL

JUNKRAT: I HATED THAT LAMP

MCCREE: ...

MCCREE: ill never get australians

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to ceebirdy for spanish translations!!  
> EDIT EDIT: [here's the sombra decryption for people on mobile!](http://arcaneadagio.tumblr.com/post/149596936030/here-are-the-translations-for-chapter-14-sombra)


	15. overwatch channel archives dated 20??

_ > OVERWATCH CHANNEL ARCHIVES _

_ > 7-14-2058_

_ > 4:12 AM _

**[JESSE MCCREE] reentered [OVERFUCK COMMUNICATION CHANNEL **].****

MCCREE: can we stop for pizza

REYES: what

MCCREE: im hungry can we get pizza on the way back

REYES: Why are you texting you're in the back seat

REYES: You can just talk

MCCREE: im so tired

REYES: Fine we can stop for pizza

REYES: But you better get extra breadsticks or else im dumping you back to route 66

MCCREE: ok sir

REYES: Get pineapple as well

REYES: And anchovies

MCCREE: what no

REYES: Insubordination

MCCREE: commander pineapple pizza is gross

MCCREE: and so are anchovies

REYES: I trained you and let you join overwatch for _this_

REYES: Absolutely disgraceful.

MCCREE: ITS GROSS YOU DONT PUT FISH OR FRUIT ON PIZZA

REYES: **TOMATOES _ARE_ A FRUIT**

MCCREE: ...

REYES: **INSUBORDINATION**

OXTON: bwahahahahah its 4am whatre you getting pizza for??

MCCREE: were headin back soon just lemme get pizza

LIAO: get mushroom im hungry

MIREMBE: get pepperoni

KIMIKO: Why are you all up so late

MIREMBE: pizza

MCCREE: yall have terrible taste in pizza

LIAO: fu

ANA: if ur getting pizza i want in

ANA: and if you dont get some im gonna beat the shit out of both of you tmrw

MCCREE: okay maam

MCCREE: is six pizzas enough

REYES: No

* * *

_ > OVERWATCH CHANNEL ARCHIVES _

_ > 7-14-2058_

_ > 11:37 AM _

LACROIX: If nobody minds me asking, why are there twenty boxes of pizza in the kitchen?

MCCREE: 4am pizza run after a mission

LACROIX: ...Okay then?

MIREMBE: ana what you did was a little terrifying

LACROIX: What was?

ANA: nbd i just ate a lot

LIAO: You ate like ten boxes of pizza

ANA: i know what i did liao

**[JACK MORRISON] reentered [ **OVERFUCK COMMUNICATION CHANNEL** ].**

MORRISON: why were you having a pizza party at 4am last night???

OXTON: it kinda devolved into us all watching ana in horror as she ate six boxes of pizza

MORRISON: ...

MORRISON: please tell me this won't impact the mission tomorrow

OXTON: i gotta fast metabolism!! plus time travel KINDA takes a lot out of you so probably not haha

MCCREE: were not even in your squad

MORRISON: you know who i was talking to, agent mccree

OXTON: cmon commander ill be fine

MCCREE: join blackwatch we have pizza parties

REYES: or don't.

****OXTON: hey has anyone seen some of my pulse bombs? im missing a couple

ANA: nope

REINHARDT: i have not

GENJI: No

LACROIX: Sorry, I haven't.

OXTON: hmm

OXTON: oh well

LACROIX: /whisper [LENA OXTON]

LACROIX: >> I just remembered, y ou're invited you over for dinner tonight, you can come if you want! <<

OXTON: /whisper [GÉRARD LACROIX]

OXTON: >> _ **YES**_ <<

OXTON: >> thanks gerard!! <<  


LACROIX: >> It's Gérard. With an accent. <<

OXTON: >> okay gêrärd <<

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DOUBLE UPDATE
> 
> these archive chapters are probably gonna be pretty short


	16. global overwatch operations (and pizza)

D.VA: FROM KING'S ROW!!!!!! IT'S THE DREAM TEAM

D.VA: _[attached img: Salami76AndFrogMan]_

LÚCIO: YEAHHH

76: this is a mission, not a vacation

76: and why am i "salami76"

D.VA: i forgot the english equivalent fake name for a second

76: ...soldier?

D.VA: yeah that. your fake name

D.VA: and why i have it

D.VA: winston said to give mission reports

76: that's not what he meant

WINSTON: Agent McCree, Agent Hanzo, how is your mission doing?

MCCREE: well we got the intel and were headin back now

MCCREE: it was pretty easy

MCCREE: probably cause i know all the blackwatch passwords

MCCREE: hanzo did some fancy bow work and cleared out all the fellas hanging around the place

HANZO: They are called scatter arrows, and you have seen me use them many times.

HANZO: It's simple geometry.

MCCREE: darlin i failed geometry

D.VA: same though

**[GENJI SHIMADA] reentered [5 PERCENT FUCKERS].**

GENJI: ^^^ Yeah

WINSTON: How is the King's Row mission going?

D.VA: it's raining so we can't do anything yet >:i

D.VA: we're just waiting in one of the safehouses

TRACER: d you think you can pick up some tea from the safehouse?

ANA: the safehouse tea is terrible everywhere

ANA: just buy some

76: it's not a vacation, you two

**[JESSE MCCREE] went idle.**

**[HANZO SHIMADA] went idle.**

D.VA: uh oh

**[JESSE MCCREE] reentered [5 PERCENT SHITHOLES].**

MCCREE: WHEN DID TALON AGENTS GET PULSE LAUNCHERS

MCCREE: THESE SHOULD STILL BE IN TESTING

76: technically my pulse rifle is still in testing as well

76: it doesn't really stop people

WIDOWMAKER: I did warn you.

MCCREE: YOU SAID IT WAS UNLIKELY

WIDOWMAKER: I also said it was still _possible._

WIDOWMAKER: You should have been more prepared.

MCCREE: well we got them

MCCREE: cars busted

MCCREE: theres a gas station couple miles up though

MCCREE: looks like well be taking a romantic stroll together sugarplum ;)

HANZO: Do not speak to me.

GENJI: Pretend its a romantic walk on the beach

GENJI: Without the water

**[HANZO SHIMADA] exited [5 PERCENT FUCKERS].**

* * *

D.VA: are you still trapped in the desert

HANZO: We have located the gas station.

MCCREE: im hotwiring a car

GENJI: Why

MCCREE: so we can get back??

HANZO: That will not work.

MCCREE: why

HANZO: ...

GENJI: ...Hanzo cant drive

MCCREE: ...

MCCREE: **shit**

HANZO: Did you think this through at all?

MCCREE: no

MERCY: Hanzo cannot drive?

HANZO: ...We were chauffeured everywhere in the Shimada clan.

HANZO: In my exile I never used a car.

PHARAH: Can't you drive?

MCCREE: do you think i could take driving lessons as a WANTED MAN

D.VA:  진짜요...

MCCREE: reyes why didnt you teach me

REAPER: **Wasn't my job.**

ANA: you basically adopted him gabriel you could at least teach him

**[REAPER] left [5 PERCENT FUCKERS].**

ANA: for once i am not going to beat up jesse about this

MCCREE: thanks maam...

ANA: i cant drive either

PHARAH: WHAT.

ANA: oops

ANA: secrets out

76: wait, that was a secret?

PHARAH: _You can't drive?!_

ANA: no

PHARAH: is that why you were always "busy" whenever i needed to go somewhere???

76: ana did you seriously pretend you could drive to your daughter

SYMMETRA: Why is Overwatch this way.

D.VA: i don't know

MCCREE: what can YOU two drive

D.VA: yes

SYMMETRA: Yes.

MCCREE: oh

LÚCIO: actually its more like she was so good at racing games that somehow she got good at driving a real car???

LÚCIO: that sounds kinda weird but hana can kinda drive

D.VA: i can drive better than mccree

LÚCIO: yeah

SYMMETRA: ...How many members of Overwatch can drive?

76: me

ANA: nope

PHARAH: I can drive, which is apparently a unique trait for my family.

ANA: fareeha, you wound me

MERCY: I can as well.

JUNKRAT: ROADIE CAN DRIVE AND ONE TIME I BLEW UP A CAR WHEN WE WERE IN IT AND IT LANDED IN A PARKING LOT SO THAT PROBABLY COUNTS

SYMMETRA: It really doesn't.

WIDOWMAKER: I can drive.

MEI: i can!!

ZARYA: I as well

SYMMETRA: I am capable, but I am not fond of it.

TRACER: im a pilot itd be pretty odd if i couldnt drive

ZENYATTA: I can manipulate the systems of most cars to drive. Otherwise, I cannot.

GENJI: I can drive cars and motorcycles

HANZO: Didn't you used to have a motorcycle when you were younger.

GENJI: Wwwww oh yeah

GENJI: I accidentally ran it into a ditch in a few months

HANZO: What.

GENJI: I was trying to do a trick

HANZO: Why.

GENJI: For my boyfriend

D.VA: :oooo you had a _boyfriend?_

GENJI: I had many partners

LÚCIO: really?

GENJI: Yes

GENJI: Kyou, Asra, Amber, Berezi, Nari, Qiang, Jihae, Azami, Elena, Afzal, Angèle, Keiko, Heng, Sun, Akira, Haruna, Anis, Calixte, Kazuo, Minata, Aintza...

LÚCIO: dang thats

LÚCIO: a lot of people

GENJI: There were more

GENJI: Hanzo was not pleased

GENJI: "Why dont you run off your partner"

GENJI: Which one, hanzo

GENJI: _Which one_

GENJI: Now hanzo has a boyfriend and i dont

HANZO: Silence.

GENJI: Brings a tear to my eye

HANZO:  うるさい、源氏。

D.VA: /whisper [LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS]

D.VA: >> you seem pretty interested in genji's relationships lúcio <<

LÚCIO: /whisper [D.VA]

LÚCIO: >> hah hah. <<

GENJI: I was quite the playboy back then

HANZO: Your hair was idiotic.

GENJI: It was not

HANZO: You looked like a carrot.

GENJI: A really sexy carrot

76: i had to chaffeur ana and gabe's stupid asses everywhere

TRACER: oh so hes _gabe_ again ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

76: ...

LÚCIO: wait wait wait

LÚCIO: mr reyes cant drive

76: no, he can't.

76: i had to chauffeur his and ana's stupid asses everywhere

REAPER: **I _can_ drive, Morrison.**

76: YOU COULDN'T TEN YEARS AGO

76: "jack everything is autopiloted nowadays i don't need to be able to drive" it was so stupid

PHARAH: I can't believe my mother lied to me for decades about being able to drive.

PHARAH: "Mom, my friend is having a birthday party. Can you drive me?" "I'm sorry sweetheart, but I'm busy. Go ask your Uncle Jack."

ANA: fareeha...

MCCREE: well

MCCREE: i have this hotwired car now

HANZO: Neither of us can drive it.

MCCREE: no need to be ungrateful about ti

HANZO: Neither of us can drive it.

MCCREE: well just fuck me runnin i guess

WINSTON: All for a Overwatch driving school when they get back?

76: please

76: we should have had this years ago

MCCREE: well thatd be wonderful

MCCREE: except **how are we supposed to get back**

WINSTON: McCree, Hanzo. Lena is heading out to pick you two up.

TRACER: ;P!!!

MCCREE: welp

MCCREE: this is a weird vacation

HANZO: A vacation in a gas station in the middle of the desert.

HANZO: _How lovely._

MCCREE: we could walk to the nearest town

MCCREE: me and reyes were here back during blackwatch times

MCCREE: had some pizza

ANA: youre at _the_ pizza place?

ANA: get something for me jesse

TRACER: are you gonna eat all of the pizza like you did last time?  


ANA: it was excellent pizza

SYMMETRA: Do I want to know?  


MCCREE: **no**

TRACER: are you taking orders y/n

MCCREE: **IM NOT GETTING PIZZA**

76: damn right you're not

MCCREE: im getting pizza

76: god dammit

SYMMETRA: You have a large bounty on your head, McCree. Every member of Overwatch is wanted by nearly every government or terrorist organization in the world.

SYMMETRA: This is a terrible idea.

SYMMETRA: Mei can make pizza back at the base.

TRACER: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

MEI: lena...

MCCREE: any orders

76: oh my god

D.VA: i can't believe i'm missing out on a pizza party

LÚCIO: :(

LÚCIO: can we stop for pizza during our mission

LÚCIO: like a mushroom and pepperoni one

LÚCIO: with hot sauce

D.VA: i want pineapple...

MCCREE: pineapple on pizza is disgusting

D.VA: YOU'RE DISGUSTING

76: we're not stopping for pizza

D.VA: :( come ooooon

ANA: im still at base ill have

ANA: white sauce pizza w grilled chicken

ANA: and green pepper

PHARAH: Mother... please...

MERCY: I will have a vegetable pizza.  


PHARAH: ANGELA DEAR...

MERCY: I am so tired, Fareeha.

TRACER: meatball and caramelized onions!!

MCCREE: ok

WIDOWMAKER:  _Champignons et poulet pour moi._

MCCREE: whats that say

WIDOWMAKER: ...Mushroom and chicken.

TRACER: !!

TRACER: ive had that with you before!!!

WIDOWMAKER: Really.

TRACER: yeah!! back with

TRACER: uh

TRACER: nevermind

MCCREE: im also gettin sausage

HANZO: ...

GENJI: Oh thats hanzos favorite

MCCREE: WAIT REALLY

MCCREE: thats my favorite too

MCCREE: lets share ;)

HANZO: I will have pepperoni.

MCCREE: **WOW**

GENJI: Can you get anchovies

MCCREE: what the hell

D.VA: that's so gross wtf

MCCREE: reyes liked anchovies

76: what

76: no he doesn't

MCCREE: **..............what**

76: his favorite was cheese

MCCREE: _**what**_

GENJI: ???????

MCCREE: no that was your favorite

MCCREE: which is boring

76: okay, first of all, it's not. cheese pizza is perfectly acceptable

76: secondly, he just pretended to like anchovies to fuck with you, and when it went too far he was too embarrassed to back down and admit it was a joke

MCCREE: **what the fuck...**

ANA: are you serious...

ANA: did you two idiots have the same taste of boring terrible pizza?

GENJI: Oh no

76: what

GENJI: I shared an anchovy pizza with him once

GENJI: Because somebody blew up the kitchen and we didnt have dinner

TRACER: OHHH I REMEMBER THAT

TRACER: i accidentally left a couple pulse bombs in the refrigerator

SYMMETRA: How.

TRACER: i lost them

SYMMETRA: ...

GENJI: Athena can you find the archive of it? search anchovy or something

**[Yes. Searching for all known instances of "anchovy" in channel archives.]**

76: wait

76: that's athena

GENJI: ??? Yes

GENJI: Did you not know?

**[To be fair, it is not exactly common knowledge.]**

D.VA: omg hi athena!!

LÚCIO: hey athena!

**[Hello, Hana and Lúcio.]**

D.VA: i had no idea it was you!! winston you never told us

76: .........

ANA: i didnt know either

MCCREE: athenas been here the entire time  


MCCREE: i

MCCREE: **what**

**[Yes, I have been here the entire time.]**

**[Genji, I have the archived file.]**

GENJI: Can you put it in

\-----------

**[CHANNEL ARCHIVE DATED JUNE 24TH, 2057.]**

\-----------

REYES: i'm starving

REYES: dammit lena

OXTON: whoops

GENJI: I have an anchovy pizza

LIAO: how are you gonna eat that

GENJI: With difficulty.

GENJI: Mr reyes, you like anchovies

GENJI: Do you want some?

GENJI: Mr reyes?

MORRISON: i'm sure he'd love it

MORRISON: gabe _loves_ anchovies!!

REYES: sure

\-----------

**[END ARCHIVE.]**

\-----------

**  
[There is also a private correspondence between Reyes and Morrison shortly afterwards, discussing the pizza.]**

D.VA: SHOW IT

76: i remember this

REAPER: **I hate this.**

\-----------

**[CHANNEL ARCHIVE DATED JUNE 24TH, 2057.]**

\-----------

REYES: >> You piece of shit <<

MORRISON: >> just tell them you don't like anchovies <<

REYES: >> **No** <<

MORRISON: >> WHY <<

REYES: >>  **FUCK YOU** <<

**[GABRIEL REYES] left [OVERFUCK COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].**

\-----------

**[END ARCHIVE.]**

\-----------

LÚCIO: guess overwatch has really always been like this

D.VA: absolutely incredible

* * *

 TRACER: im almost at route 66!!!!

TRACER: you two have a nice

TRACER: _vacation ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_

HANZO: If you wish to call "sitting inside a pizzeria for three hours" a vacation, yes.

TRACER: so you did have a nice vacation with _jesse ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_

HANZO: ...Yes.

MCCREE: <3

HANZO: <3.

GENJI: Cant believe it

GENJI: My brother has finally learned how to have fun

GENJI: Tears are coming to my eyes

GENJI: Im going to shortcircuit my mask

HANZO: Silence.

GENJI: Someone take a photo its a momentous occasion

**[HANZO SHIMADA] left [5 PERCENT FUCKERS].**

TRACER: wait arent the pizzas gonna be all cold

MCCREE: nah i asked them to not make them till a few minutes you arrived

76: so you actually thought things through for once

MCCREE: **wow**

MCCREE: somebodys not getting pizza

76: i'm in king's row.

D.VA: :(

LÚCIO: well im gonna get it anyway im 26 years old and i have money

76: wait if someone sees you

76: you're all celebrities

LÚCIO: i want pizza

D.VA: omg let's go

76: do not get pizza

D.VA: lol like you can actually stop us

76: ...fine

76: i'll get you two pizza before we leave

LÚCIO: yess

D.VA: thanks, you garbage shithole

76: don't call me that

D.VA: <3

TRACER: PIZZA PLANE ROLL OUT!!

* * *

REAPER: /whisper [WIDOWMAKER]

REAPER: >> **Give** **me a slice.** <<

WIDOWMAKER: /whisper [REAPER]

WIDOWMAKER: >> _Non._ <<

REAPER: >> **Why not.** <<  


WIDOWMAKER: >>  _Je ne fais plus partie de Talon._ <<

WIDOWMAKER: >>  _Demande à Morrison._ <<

REAPER: >> **Maybe I will.** <<

REAPER: /whisper [SOLDIER 76]

REAPER: >> **Morrison, give me a slice.** <<  


76: /whisper [REAPER]

76: >> fine. <<

REAPER: >> **...** <<

76: >> what <<

76: >> not expecting me to say yes? <<

REAPER: >> **No.** <<

76: >> sure. <<

76: >> i'll leave it outside the king's row base <<

* * *

REAPER: **GOD DAMMIT, MORRISON.**

D.VA: what'd he do

76: hope you like anchovies, reyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pizza discourse is tearing this family apart
> 
> write what kind of pizzas you think ovw cast would like down below! junkrat probably likes really gross combinations on burnt pizza without sauce while roadhog likes veggies


	17. overfuck driving school, or, jack morrison is a bad teacher

TRACER: /whisper [GENJI]

TRACER: >> im taking bets to see how many tiny pumpkins i can stack on zens head while hes in sleep mode b4 he notices <<

TRACER: >> you in? <<

GENJI: /whisper [TRACER]

GENJI: >> Its three am <<

TRACER: >> so <<

TRACER: >> anyway!! you in?? <<  


GENJI: >> Absolutely <<

TRACER: >> [attached img: pumyatta.png] <<

GENJI: >> Where did you get so many pumpkins <<

TRACER: >> its september <<  


GENJI: >> What <<  


TRACER: >> stores starts selling their halloween merch in like <<

TRACER: >> august <<  


GENJI: >> Wait <<

GENJI: >> _くそ_ <<  


GENJI: >> I forgot to start preparing for halloween <<  


GENJI: >> Is there going to be a halloween party this year <<

GENJI: >> Will that still be a thing <<  


TRACER: >> YOU BET YOUR GREEN CYBORG ARSE THERELL BE A PARTY <<

GENJI: >> My ass isnt green <<

GENJI: >> Also about the bet <<  


GENJI: >> Im putting fifty for twenty <<

GENJI: >> Also when hanzo tells me im wasting my money tell him to "fuck off" <<  


TRACER: >> howd you know hes keeping track of the bets <<

GENJI: >> Its basically his second job now <<

TRACER: >> fair <<

TRACER: >> hey you hear that <<

GENJI: >> Hear what <<

* * *

LÚCIO: /whisper [D.VA]

LÚCIO: >> hey whatre you doing for halloween <<

D.VA: /whisper [LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS]

D.VA: >> i have some ideas <<

D.VA: >> what about you? <<

LÚCIO: >> no idea. maybe a frog? <<

D.VA: >> psffhhhhh casual <<

LÚCIO: >> so whatre your ideas <<

D.VA: >> it will be a modified version of the april fools joke <<

LÚCIO: >> oh yeah i forgot about that <<

D.VA: >> it's going to be _amazing_ <<

D.VA: >> well <<

D.VA: >> if i can get all the stuff in time <<

LÚCIO: >> im so pumped for this you got no idea <<

D.VA: >> you want to be part of it? <<

LÚCIO: >> hell yeah <<

* * *

**[SOLDIER 76] reentered [5 PERCENT FUCKERS].**

76: !airhorn

76: !airhorn

76: !airhorn

76: _EVERYBODY UP, WE HAVE A BUSY DAY TODAY._

MCCREE: **WHO THE FUCK TURNED AIRHORN BOT ON AGAIN**

REINHARDT: A HERO RISES AGAIN!

MCCREE: **THE HELLRE YOU DOING AT 3AM**

**[SOLDIER 76] changed channel name to [OVERFUCK DRIVING SCHOOL].**

76: _YOU'RE ALL LEARNING HOW TO DRIVE._

MCCREE: fuck

D.VA: oh dear

76: i've got the list of recruits today

MCCREE: recruits would mean its voluntary

76: _[attached img: drivingschool.png]_

MCCREE: fuck **hanzo run**

GENJI: Hes already gone i saw him climb up my window

MCCREE: thats a good idea

LÚCIO: i

76: THE WHEEL WAITS FOR NO ONE

D.VA: i can already drive!!

76: mario kart doesn't count

76: where the hell is ana

ANA: lmao later

ANA: im going back into hiding

PHARAH: Like hell you are.

PHARAH: Mr. Morrison, I will help you.

ANA: my own daughter betrays me

PHARAH: _I missed so many birthday parties because of you._

JUNKRAT: THIS PLACE SUCKS

JUNKRAT: WHYD I WANNA LEARN HOW TO DRIVE ANYWAY

ZENYATTA: It would be a useful skill to use during missions.

76: MCCREE.

76: _I'VE GOT YOU IN MY SIGHTS._

MCCREE: **FUCK**

**[JESSE MCCREE] left [OVERFUCK DRIVING SCHOOL].**

TRACER: did anyone see jesse fall off the roof

JUNKRAT: I ALWAYS MISS THE GOOD STUFF!!!

GENJI: Im amazed he got that far

76: it's not that far of a fall

76: he's still learning today.

76: [attached img: drivingschool2.png]

 

D.VA: ouch

** [JESSE MCCREE] reentered [OVERFUCK DRIVING SCHOOL]. **

MCCREE: everything hurts

LÚCIO: you know i am a certified doctor so like

LÚCIO: dont walk around with broken legs man

76: he'll be fine.

76: where the hell are hanzo and ana

GENJI: Probably on a plane by now

GENJI: Snipers are a slippery bunch

MCCREE: at least hell survive...

**[HANZO SHIMADA] reentered [OVERFUCK DRIVING SCHOOL].**

76: YOU CAN'T HIDE FOREVER.

HANZO: I can try.

76: i hired help

WIDOWMAKER: _Personne n'échappe à mon regard._

GENJI: Anija youre _so_ fucked

TRACER: _thats my purple girlfriend!!_

TRACER: im so proud of you babe

GENJI: For tracking down a member of our own team and teaching them how to drive

TRACER: yeah??

WIDOWMAKER: <3

TRACER: <3!!!!!

PHARAH: I found my mom.

PHARAH: She was buying snacks.

ANA: fareeha...

PHARAH: So. Many. Birthday. Parties.

MCCREE: why isnt zenyatta on the list he cant drive

GENJI: He can just plug into the car and control it from there

GENJI: The rest of the cars arent very omnic friendly

GENJI: Itd literally be impossible for master to drive anyway

ZENYATTA: I could learn how to ride a bicycle, if I wished.

GENJI: The last time i tried to ride a bike i broke the bike

LÚCIO: how??

GENJI: Listen i had just gotten my new body okay i wasnt really used to being 70% metal

* * *

WIDOWMAKER: _J'ai trouvé Hanzo._

GENJI: Did you kill him

WIDOWMAKER:  _Es-tu sérieux?_

GENJI: Okay just making sure

* * *

MCCREE: please help us

GENJI: Wwwwww

GENJI: No.

MCCREE: someone help us

76: NO TEXTING IN CLASS.

MCCREE: **I DONT KNOW WHAT A STICK SHIFT IS**

**[JESSE MCCREE] left [OVERFUCK DRIVING SCHOOL].**

* * *

D.VA: this is just like mario kart

LÚCIO: its really not

D.VA: it is _just like mario kart_

76: _WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT TEXTING._

* * *

JUNKRAT: WHATRE ALL THESE LEVERS FOR

JUNKRAT: IS THAT THE RIGHT ONE?

76: you just smashed into a wall.

JUNKRAT: ...

JUNKRAT: SO IS THAT A YES

* * *

MCCREE: captain amari please stop throwing stuff at me

ANA: why

* * *

JUNKRAT: I GOT THE EAST WALL RIGGED TO BLOW EVERYONE OUT

76: _I CAN READ THESE_

MCCREE: JUST GO

76: _DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE_

D.VA: eh this isn't so bad

**[JUNKRAT] left [OVERFUCK DRIVING SCHOOL].**

**[SOLDIER 76] left [OVERFUCK DRIVING SCHOOL].**

**[JESSE MCCREE] left [OVERFUCK DRIVING SCHOOL].**

**[HANZO SHIMADA] left [OVERFUCK DRIVING SCHOOL].**

**[ROADHOG] left [OVERFUCK DRIVING SCHOOL].**

**[D.VA] left [OVERFUCK DRIVING SCHOOL].**

REAPER: /whisper [WIDOWMAKER]

REAPER: **> >** **Did <<**

REAPER: **> >** **Did they actually blow it up <<**

WIDOWMAKER: /whisper [REAPER]

WIDOWMAKER: _> > Oui. <<_

REAPER: _> > ... <<_

WIDOWMAKER: >> Didn't you blow up the Swiss Base. You should be familiar with such actions. <<

REAPER: **> > I didn't blow up the swiss hq <<**

WIDOWMAKER: _ >> C'est vrai? <<_

REAPER: **> > Why would _I_ blow up a building that I'm still inside? <<**

REAPER: ** >> Who do you think I am. <<**

REAPER: ** >> Jack Morrison <<**

WIDOWMAKER: _> > MDR. <<_

WIDOWMAKER: >> But you did _not_ blow up the Swiss HQ? <<

REAPER: **> > You do know they just framed me for the presses, right. <<**

WIDOWMAKER: _> > Non???? <<_

REAPER: ** >> Whatever. It's not important anyway. <<**

* * *

TRACER: soooo

TRACER: what happened to the driving school exactly?

ANA: we got out of it bc those nice boys blew up the building

76: why is overwatch like this

ANA: bc were a bunch of superpowered humans or gorilla who dont like listening to other people?

76: okay

76: that doesn't mean you can't learn how to drive

ANA: i know

PHARAH: م ...

ANA:ابنة .

JUNKRAT: THAT WAS GREAT!!

JUNKRAT: WHO WANTS TO DO IT AGAIN

HANZO: I cannot feel my legs.

D.VA: you have prosthetics?

MERCY: Actually.

MERCY: Mister Fawkes over here, in a _stunning_ display of clear planning and foresight, _blew up Mister Shimada's prosthetics._

MERCY: A word, if you will?

GENJI: It was nice knowing you fawkes

D.VA: your funeral will be amazing... we'll blow up your corpse

D.VA: i promise...

JUNKRAT: WAIT WHAT

JUNKRAT: ROADIE YOULL PROTECT ME RIGHT THIS IS WHY I HIRED YOU

MERCY: Mister Rutledge is currently preoccupied.

MERCY: _I will expect your arrival in my office for a quick talk as soon as possible, Mister Fawkes._

MERCY: _Do not try to run._

**[JUNKRAT] left [OVERFUCK DRIVING SCHOOL].**

D.VA: he's gonna die

LÚCIO: yeah

REINHARDT: remember the last time the good doctor had a quick talk with someone

76: no?

REINHARDT: _exactly._

LÚCIO: @everyone if you guys need medical attention while dr zieglers tearing junk a new one...

D.VA: psh i've seen bigger explosions

D.VA: on my first mission against the omnic in korea i blew up like two abandoned houses

* * *

**[TRACER] changed channel name to [TINY PUMPKIN STACK EXTRAVAGANZA!!!].**

TRACER: LÚCIO WINS!!  


LÚCIO: yessss

TRACER: FIFTY SEVEN PUMPKINS!!

GENJI: How

TRACER: its a skill

TRACER: used to do it on morrisons head when he was sleeping but apples

GENJI: Im

GENJI: Disappointed i lost

GENJI: But also impressed

D.VA: awwww come on

D.VA: i never win bets

D.VA: how much did you get?

LÚCIO: 632 dollars

D.VA: !!!! WOAH

D.VA: how many people were on this bet?

TRACER: nearly the entire base

TRACER: cept for jack and hanzo

TRACER: but what else is new

TRACER: & zenny bc of the actual bet

D.VA: you know what we can buy with that

LÚCIO: !!!

TRACER: buy what?

D.VA: you'll see!

ZENYATTA: Genji, I am disappointed in you.

GENJI: !

GENJI: Master im so sorry is this disrespectful

TRACER: oh if it is

TRACER: im really sorry

ZENYATTA: You didn't send any pictures of it.

GENJI: ...

TRACER: [attached img: pumyatta_winner57.png]

ZENYATTA: My thanks.

ZENYATTA: If I had a phone, this would undoubtedly be the background image.

TRACER: want to go try stacking them on commanders head

D.VA: do you even have to ask

TRACER: bet i can reach 76 pumpkins

* * *

LÚCIO: [attached img: PUMPKIN_76]

76: overwatch was shut down for a reason.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IS THIS EVEN A GOOD CHAPTER??? WHO KNOWS,,,
> 
> i'm excited for the next chapter... anyone have halloween costume ideas?


	18. team building through gentle bullying and breaking international law

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy halloween

**[D.VA] reentered [HAPPY... OVERWEEN? I TRIED].**

D.VA: HELLO, WEEN!!!

D.VA: get it?

LÚCIO: kkkk

GENJI: Www.

GENJI: The period indicates sarcasm

MCCREE: terrible

MEI: i love everyone's costumes so much!!

PHARAH: I would say the same, but Genji's is...

PHARAH: Disappointing.

GENJI: Okay, rude

GENJI: I didnt have any time to prepare because _someone_ sent me on a mission before i could finish anything

WINSTON: You're the only one here who can deflect bullets.

WINSTON: With your sword.

WINSTON: How does that work, again?  


GENJI: Im a ninja

WINSTON: I.

WINSTON: That doesn't explain anything.

GENJI: Like id reveal my ninja ways so easily

D.VA: anyway genji your halloween excuse is WEAK and so are your costumes

MCCREE: howve you even seen all of our costumes yet

MCCREE: have you two even come out of your rooms

LÚCIO: you think i started a revolution right under vishkars noses without learning how to be sneaky

LÚCIO: one time i removed a bullet from my best friend in the building RIGHT NEXT to vishkar and nobody ever knew

MCCREE: alright thats fair

D.VA: hanzo and mccree costumes are also pretty dumb

LÚCIO: i think its kinda cute

D.VA: they literally just switched their outfits

GENJI: I want to go back in time with a picture of my brother in a cowboy suit and just drop it off at past mes doorstop without any context

GENJI: You both look very silly

MCCREE: im cold

ANA: one nipple out. just one.

JUNKRAT: THATS THE PARTY TIT

JUNKRAT: EVERYONES GOT AT LEAST ONE

JUNKRAT: IN FACT I GOT TWO

LÚCIO: okay that was not information i needed to hear

LÚCIO: ever.

MCCREE: okay you can insult _my_ costume all you like but at least i _have_ one, **_genji_**

GENJI: I have a costume

MCCREE: oh yeah

MCCREE: what

GENJI: Cyborg ninja

HANZO: It looks more like a disappointment.

TRACER: BLIMEY FUCK

D.VA: HANZO GOING IN FOR THE KILL

LÚCIO: maybe bad wording

D.VA: **HANZO GOING IN FOR THE KILL**

ANA: _اللعنة._

GENJI: ANJIA

GENJI: IM WOUNDED

GENJI: IM DYING AGAIN

GENJI: SOMEONE CALL ANGELA I NEED A NEW CYBORG BODY

MERCY: Stop murdering your brother, Hanzo.

HANZO: I hate all of you.

MCCREE: you look good darlin

MCCREE: then again

MCCREE: you always do

HANZO: 

HANZO: 

MCCREE: stop sending blank spaces

HANZO:

HANZO:

MCCREE: how are you even doin that

GENJI: Its because he is ~blushing~

GENJI: Hanzos never felt an emotion before so whenever something happens he just shuts down

GENJI: Like a loser

GENJI: Glass cage of emotion

GENJI: Do not tap on the hanzo or else he will die

HANZO: _Shut up._

GENJI: You emotionally stunted egg

MCCREE: hana aint got a right to criticize

MCCREE: havent even seen yours yet

LÚCIO: trust me its SO GOOD

TRACER: whatre everyones costumes!!! im heading back w amelie now

WIDOWMAKER: It's Amélie.

TRACER: ämęlīê

WIDOWMAKER: _Au revoir._

TRACER: weve got our outfits on its gonna be GREAT!!!!!

D.VA: mine and lucio's are a SURPRISE

D.VA: we're gonna wreck the competition

GENJI: When did it become a contest

D.VA: when i joined overwatch, everything became a competition

D.VA: and _i'm_ going to win it

D.VA: @GENJI at least everyone else is safe from getting last place. thanks you 오빠

GENJI: What does that mean

GENJI: Is that an insult

LÚCIO: dont worry about it

MERCY: Hana, you would like our costume.

MERCY: Mine and Fareeha's, I mean.

D.VA: ooohh what is it??

MERCY: Nurse Joy and Officer Jenny.

D.VA: !!!!!! THAT'S REALLY CUTE 

ANA: so my costumes the best

PHARAH: ...

REINHARDT: i would have to disagree, ana

REINHARDT: wait until you see MINE

JUNKRAT: ROADIE GOT ME _MY_ COSTUME

LÚCIO: i havent seen you all day

JUNKRAT: WHATRE YOU TALKING ABOUT

JUNKRAT: IVE BEEN DRAGGED AROUND EVERYWHERE

ROADHOG: I put him in a trash can.

MEI: i thought you were supposed to wear a costume on halloween

SYMMETRA: Agreed.

LÚCIO: damn...

D.VA: ouch

D.VA: that's cold, mei

MEI: that is what i use for a weapon!!

D.VA: oooh good one

ZARYA: Dshklf

D.VA: ???

MEI: zarya dropped her phone because satya giggled

MEI: it was very cute!!

MCCREE: gay

HANZO: Jesse.

GENJI: I dont need to hear this?

TRACER: guess whos here!!!!

TRACER: _[attached img: BONK!!.png]_

MCCREE: the hell are you supposed to be

TRACER: im scout, duh??

MCCREE: a what

TRACER: scout

MCCREE: a what

MCCREE: whats a scout

MCCREE: are you both scouts

WIDOWMAKER: I'm Sniper.

MCCREE: i know you are

MCCREE: and its _a_ sniper

WIDOWMAKER: _Non.Je suis >> Sniper. <<_

TRACER: were scout and sniper!!

MCCREE: i dont get it

D.VA: i don't really get it either

TRACER: you lot dont know good video games

D.VA: i know **all** the video games

D.VA: and i have no idea what you're talking about

**[¿QUIÉN ES SOMBRA?] reentered [HAPPY... OVERWEEN? I TRIED].**

SOMBRA: JAJAJA BIEN. LOS MATAMOS.

D.VA: _WHO ARE YOU???_

SOMBRA: " **WINKY FACE." ;P**

** [¿QUIÉN ES SOMBRA?] left [HAPPY... OVERWEEN? I TRIED].  **

D.VA: STOP OWNING ME!!

TRACER: weeeeeeere HEREEEEEEE!!!!!

TRACER: lets get started!!

D.VA: HERE WE COME!!!

LÚCIO: YEAH

**[D.VA] changed name to [SOLDIER 69 (D.VA)].**

69 (D.VA): WE'RE ALL SOLDIERS NOW

76: stop

69 (D.VA): I'M AN OLD WHITE DUDE FROM CORNFUCK INDIANA AND I HATE HAVING FUN 

69 (D.VA): I EAT CORNBREAD FOR ALL THREE MEALS AND MY ONLY FORM OF TRANSPORTATION IS A TRACTOR

69 (D.VA): MY HAIRLINE RECEDES INTO MY FOREHEAD DESPITE THE FACT I'M ONLY LIKE 50

LÚCIO: HAH

GENJI: Holy shit

WIDOWMAKER: She is not wrong.

69 (D.VA): I HAVE SOME ROMANTICALLY TENSE HISTORY WITH AN EMO MAN WHO DRESSES LIKE THE GARBAGE BIN OF A HALLOWEEN STORE

69 (D.VA): I'M TOO COOL FOR HALLOWEEN BUT I BASICALLY DRESS LIKE AN OFFBRAND, SADDER, AND RUDER CAPTAIN AMERICA

69 (D.VA): GET OFF MY LAWN

76: stop

MCCREE: i mean

MCCREE: all of those things are true

LÚCIO: i cant tell them apart

ANA: WHAT that was my idea!

69 (D.VA): WHAT

69 (D.VA): NOOOO

LÚCIO: what

69 (D.VA): captain amari dressed up as 76!!

LÚCIO: just make fun of him together

ANA: my specialty

ANA: you have a very nice costume, lúcio

LÚCIO: thanks maam

ANA: /whisper [LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS]

ANA: >> Im sure youll waltz in that prince costume and sweep genji right off his feet <<

LÚCIO: /whisper [ANA AMARI]

LÚCIO: >> DOES _EVERYONE_ KNOW <<

ANA: >> i have a sharp eye <<

MCCREE: **REINHARDT** WHAT IN THE SEVEN HELLS ARE YOU WEARING

REINHARDT: do you like it???

MCCREE: **NO???**

MCCREE: THATS JUST A RED SPEEDO

REINHARDT: this is a HASSELHOFF costume!! uncultured

76: i just lost twenty years of my life

REAPER: **You don't have that many years left, Morrison.**

76: says the literal walking corpse

ANA: i like your costume gabriel

REAPER: **It's not a costume.**

ANA: well you could have fooled me

ZENYATTA: Ah... it seems Halloween costumes are much more competitive here than I anticipated...

ZENYATTA: I should have done something more exciting.

GENJI: I like it

69 (D.VA): yeah a ghost sheet is cute!!

69 (D.VA): i like how you put napkins on the balls too

PHARAH: Hana, do you have a copy of Pokemon?

69 (D.VA): yeah why?

PHARAH: This outfit makes me want to play it again...

MERCY: Everyone, the party is in room 107!

**[BASTION] reentered [HAPPY ... OVERWEEN? I TRIED].**

BASTION: BWEE! BWEE! BWEE!

69 (D.VA): huh?

69 (D.VA): that doesn't look like a happy emoji

ZENYATTA: Bastion is stuck in the doorway with his costume.

BASTION: DWEET DWEET DWEET（ΟΔΟ；；）

69 (D.VA): I'LL RESCUE YOU!!!!

**[SOLDIER 69 (D.VA)] went idle.**

**[SOLDIER 69 (D.VA)] reentered [HAPPY... OVERWEEN? I TRIED].**

69 (D.VA): well

69 (D.VA): i can't pull him out

69 (D.VA): but costume is cute!! it's a bush!! ganymede is there and everything

ZARYA: ...

ZARYA: Where is he?

ZENYATTA: He is in the entrance of the laboratory.

MEI: :D

**[ZARYA] went idle.**

TRACER: well thats happening

TRACER: so

TRACER: who wants to PARTY?

GENJI: Hell yeah

TRACER: hell yeah

69 (D.VA): hell yeah

ANA: FUCK yeah

PHARAH: Mother.

ANA: daughter

SYMMETRA: ...

69 (D.VA): satya what are you going as??

SYMMETRA: To be honest.

SYMMETRA: I am not sure.

MEI: we are going as star wars characters!

MEI: there weren't many lesbian trios... so we had to make do :(

69 (D.VA): :(

69 (D.VA): so which characters are you?

MEI: satya is rey, zarya is poe, and i'm finn!

D.VA: aww that's so cute!!

MCCREE: why dont we do cute things like that

HANZO: Because we both forgot about Halloween until yesterday.

MCCREE:

MCCREE: see i can do blank spaces as well

HANZO: Congratulations.

MCCREE: rude

HANZO: Should I say it in Japanese too.

HANZO: _おめでとう。_

MCCREE: do you not love me or somethin

HANZO: Do not be ridiculous.

HANZO: Of course I love you.

MCCREE: <3

GENJI: Anija thats gay

HANZO: Shut up, Genji

TRACER: /whisper [LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS]

TRACER: >> pssst <<

TRACER: >> genjis been looking at you <<

TRACER: >> yknow <<

TRACER: >> in a gay way <<

LÚCIO: >> DOES EVERYONE KNOW ABOUT THIS <<

TRACER: >> yes <<

LÚCIO: >> ... <<

LÚCIO: >> how can you even tell hes wearing a mask <<

TRACER: >> ive known genji for years <<

TRACER: >> also because he keeps turning around to look at you while you skate everywhere <<

TRACER: >> i think he likes the prince outfit a lot <<

LÚCIO: >> gghghhhhhhsdjlkhflajjfnnnnn <<

TRACER: >> go ask hanzo for help <<

LÚCIO: >> hanzos not exactly the kind of guy with a perfect grasp on his emotions <<

TRACER: >> go ask zenyatta <<

LÚCIO: >> okay thats better <<

LÚCIO: /whisper [ZENYATTA]

LÚCIO: >> hey uh <<

LÚCIO: >> i want to date genji <<

ZENYATTA: >> You should tell him that. <<

LÚCIO: >> thats not helpful <<

ZENYATTA: >> <<

LÚCIO: >> okay <<

LÚCIO: >> how do you think i should do that <<

ZENYATTA: >> While I do not claim to be an expert in romance, I do know Genji. <<

ZENYATTA: >> You should admit to him a clear and straightforward way what your feelings are. <<

ZENYATTA: >> ...Perhaps not a "straight" forward way. <<

LÚCIO: >> hah hah. <<

ZENYATTA: >> Genji cares little for extraneous accessories. The best is to present yourself openly and honestly. <<

LÚCIO: >> okay <<

LÚCIO: >> got it <<

LÚCIO: >> thanks man <<

ZENYATTA: >> ( -u- ) Best of luck. <<

* * *

ZENYATTA: /whisper [GENJI SHIMADA]

ZENYATTA: >> You should talk to Lúcio about how gay you are for him. <<

GENJI: >> Master <<

* * *

69 (D.VA): /whisper [GENJI SHIMADA]

69 (D.VA): >> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) <<

GENJI: /whisper [D.VA]

GENJI: >> What <<

69 (D.VA): **_> > ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) <<_**

69 (D.VA): >> you're gay <<

GENJI: >> In other news: the sun is hot <<

69 (D.VA): >> you're gay for _lúcio_ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  <<

GENJI: >> Ana should have never showed you that emoji <<

69 (D.VA): >> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) <<

69 (D.VA): >> admit it you're in ♡ LOVE ♡ with him <<

GENJI: >> ( `-`)<<

D.VA: >> get em tiger <<

69 (D.VA): >> or should i say ~dragon~ <<

GENJI: >> You know when i first met you i thought you were some nice kid who was good at video games <<

GENJI: >> Now i see what you really are <<

69 (D.VA): >> and what's that? <<

GENJI: >> Obnoxious <<

69 (D.VA): >> fucking rude <<

69 (D.VA): >> 멍청이 <<

GENJI: >> Im going to ask dr ziegler to install a translation program <<

69 (D.VA): >> why dont you ask lúcio <<

69 (D.VA): >> he's ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) _good with tech_ <<

69 (D.VA): >> he is though like he broke through vishkar tech it's pretty impressive <<

GENJI: >> **Maybe i will** <<

69 (D.VA): >> wait wait wait <<

GENJI: >> What is it <<

69 (D.VA): >> zarya <<

GENJI: >> ? <<

* * *

MCCREE: /whisper [GENJI SHIMADA]

MCCREE: >> haha youre gay <<

GENJI: /whisper [JESSE MCCREE]

GENJI: >> You're sitting on a couch wearing my brothers clothes with one arm around  _my brother <<_

MCCREE: >> gay <<

MCCREE: >> tell him how you feel <<

GENJI: >> No <<

MCCREE: >> arent you supposed to be the shimada who can express emotions <<

GENJI: >> I might overheat <<

MCCREE: >> liar <<

GENJI: >> Another time <<

MCCREE: >> confess dammit <<

GENJI: >> Bring it up again and ill talk about the pie incident in blackwatch <<

GENJI: >> You know <<

GENJI:  _> > The one where i have pictures <<_

MCCREE: **> > you wouldnt <<**

GENJI: >> I was trained my whole life to extract information and basically be the coolest ninja ever <<

GENJI:  _> > Watch me <<_

MCCREE: ** >>**  **you mother fuck <<**

* * *

**[ZARYA] reentered [HAPPY... OVERWEEN? I TRIED].**

BASTION: ＼＼\\\୧( ⁼̴̶̤̀ω⁼̴̶̤́ )૭ //／／ BWEEP BOOP!

TRACER: HES FREE!

ZARYA: We will be needing a new door

69 (D.VA): zarya just ripped the doorframe apart

MEI: i wish i could have seen that...

SYMMETRA: ...

ZARYA: Are you impressed by my strength?

MEI: _yes_

ZARYA: ;)

SYMMETRA:

HANZO: Satya had to take a moment to put down her phone and blush.

GENJI: Wait when did you start calling her satya

SYMMETRA: We are friends.  


GENJI: Since when does hanzo have friends

69 (D.VA): i've seen them hanging out

69 (D.VA): they stand in the corner and judge others together

69 (D.VA): like

69 (D.VA): 

69 (D.VA): except with less smiling and more judgemental "tchs"

GENJI: Im so proud

HANZO: Fuck off.

** [REAPER] reentered [HAPPY... OVERWEEN? I TRIED]. **

REAPER: **From the shadows.**

MCCREE: there you go with that shit again

ANA: are you coming to the halloween party or not

ANA: we have pumpkin cookies

76: ana he's our _enemy_

ANA: you know how much he likes halloween you cornfuck

76: i'm not a cornfuck

69 (D.VA): commander cornfuck

TRACER: commander cornfu

TRACER: DAMMIT hana

69 (D.VA): ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

MCCREE: we made extra for him

MCCREE: i found this old recipe in the drawers and im like 80% sure thats the one reyes used to make around halloween

REAPER: Wait, THAT'Swhere it was?

WIDOWMAKER: _Tu as oublié ton texte gras._

REAPER: Shut up, I've been looking in every fucking base for that damn recipe.

REAPER: That was my dad's.

MCCREE: we made them

REAPER: **Where is this party happening.**

MCCREE: gibraltar

76: stop

69 (D.VA): i thought you'd be GLAD to see your boyfriend >:3c

76: _STOP_

MERCY: I'm not sure how safe it is to invite a Talon mercenary into our base...

ANA: whatever

PHARAH: I don't mind inviting Gabriel.

MERCY: Okay, fine.

REAPER: **You better not have messed the recipe up, Jesse.**

REAPER: **I'll know if you have.**

ANA: wow edgy

MCCREE: wouldnt dream of it

MCCREE: HEY WHAT THE FUCK

TRACER: BWAHAHAHAH

TRACER: GOTCHA!!

ZARYA: What happened

69 (D.VA): lena just took the tray of cookies mccree was holding and ran :PP

MCCREE: **AT LEAST _EAT_ THEM**

* * *

REAPER:  **Knock knock.**

76: just come in through the door we know you can break in 

* * *

MERCY: I just remembered why I hate Overwatch parties.

MCCREE: you can talk yknow

MERCY: Hana is streaming this.

MERCY: I will not take that risk.

MCCREE: shes streaming

MCCREE: aint this like

MCCREE: illegal

MCCREE: cause were overwatch

WINSTON: Yes.

69 (D.VA): it's just a gathering of people who happen to be a part of overwatch on halloween

69 (D.VA): but it would be pretty difficult for anyone to find out where the stream is coming from

69 (D.VA): we do have some of the best technicians in the world so...

**[¿QUIÉN ES SOMBRA?] reentered [HAPPY... OVERWEEN? I TRIED].**

SOMBRA: _**LO ENCONTRÉ. ESTÁN EN GIBRALTAR.**_

REAPER: **You can read the past texts, Sombra. This doesn't count.**

GENJI: At least this time its not encrypted

GENJI: I still dont get it though

MCCREE: i speak spanish and i still dont get it

69 (D.VA): _WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!!!!!!_

SOMBRA: **_GAY._**

REAPER: **WE ALL ARE**

SOMBRA: _**NOS VEMOS LUEGO!!!**_

**[¿QUIÉN ES SOMBRA?] left [HAPPY... OVERWEEN? I TRIED].**

69 (D.VA): fucking hackers.

* * *

 

MCCREE: where the fuck are those cookies lena took

LÚCIO: shes had them for like two hours theyre probably all gone

WIDOWMAKER: _On a déjà mangé les cookies. Désole, McCree._

ANA: thats her way of saying shes not sorry at all

MCCREE: stop speaking french or else this is just gonna become a clusterfuck of languages

69 (D.VA): i mean i'd probably be okay

69 (D.VA): i speak like five languages

GENJI: You _barely_ speak japanese

69 (D.VA): it's pretty good japanese

GENJI: You tried to yell "spar with me" and yelled "come at me, you son of a bitch"

GENJI: You talk like an anime character

69 (D.VA): winky face

TRACER: all of the cookies are gone

TRACER: but you had like twenty trays its not that big of a deal

ANA: whoops lol 

* * *

MEI: everyone!! look!

MEI: satya is really good at pumpkin carving!!!!!

ZARYA: LOOK AT MY GIRLFRIENDS

MEI: zarya put us down!!!!!

SYMMETRA: It's really nothing...

MEI: _[attached img: pumpkins!!!!.png]_

D.VA: OMG

D.VA: ARE THOSE OUR LOGOS??? THOSE ARE SO GOOD!!!!!

D.VA: where are you????

SYMMETRA: Winston's lab.

SYMMETRA: The noise was becoming a little too much for me.

SYMMETRA: I would appreciate it if you did not all flood into here at once.

D.VA: can i come over and video it for the stream?

SYMMETRA: I don't see why not.

D.VA: !!!!

BASTION: dweet chrr chrr beep beep (o´▽`o)ﾉ

ZENYATTA: Bastion would like a pumpkin on top of his costume.

SYMMETRA: I can make one for him.

SYMMETRA: Would you like a bird?

BASTION: !!! chrrp! (≧▽≦) ♡ 

D.VA: i think that's a yes

* * *

REAPER: WHAT THE FUCK

JUNKRAT: OI MATE DONT BE THROWING YOUR SHIT INTO MY FACE

REAPER: **Why are you dressed up as a garbage can.**

JUNKRAT: ITS MY COSTUME YA FUCKIN DONGWHISTLER

REAPER: **What the fuck is Overwatch.**

LÚCIO: brb

* * *

TRACER: /whisper [WINSTON]

TRACER: >> hey where are you?? <<

WINSTON: >> I'm not great at parties. <<

TRACER: >> cmon its just like a meeting!! <<

TRACER: >> except with fewer rules. so. <<

TRACER: >> really its just like a meeting <<

WINSTON: >> I get enough headaches from the meetings alone, thanks. <<

TRACER: >> okay... <<

TRACER: >> ill save you something to eat!! <<

* * *

PHARAH: Has anyone seen Angie?

MEI: i haven't... sorry :(

MCCREE: nope

HANZO: I have not.

WIDOWMAKER: _Non._

PHARAH: Hm....

REINHARDT: i did!

REINHARDT: she was walking into her office for something

PHARAH: Thank you, Reinhardt!

ANA: HEY GABRIEL

ANA: REIN

ANA: WHERE ARE YOU GUYS

ANA: WATCH THIS

**[SOLDIER 76] went idle.**

ANA: lmao bye punch bowl bye jack

MCCREE: its cider

ANA: i know what i said

ANA: someone tell me they got that on camera

69 (D.VA): YES

69 (D.VA): and it was broadcasted live to all 10.2 thousand people watching my stream

LÚCIO: i hope that becomes a meme

REAPER: **I think his visor broke.**

* * *

MCCREE: you sure you can eat those cookies with a mask dad

REAPER: **...**

MCCREE: SHIT

MCCREE: FUCK

REAPER: **........**

MCCREE: I MEAN

ANA: lol

MCCREE: FUCKKKK

REAPER: _**Hijo.**_

MCCREE: I GOTTA GO NOW

* * *

HANZO: Where is my brother.

MCCREE: why

HANZO: He has vanished and I have something for him.

MCCREE: what

HANZO: A present.

MCCREE: ! thats real nice of you

HANZO: It's a middle finger.

MCCREE:

HANZO: But where is he.

TRACER: whered lucio go?

69 (D.VA): >:3c

* * *

PHARAH: Angie.

MERCY: Don't look at me.

76: what

PHARAH: I found her.

MERCY: Just because I'm a doctor doesn't mean I can't eat an entire dessert pizza.

MERCY: It's Halloween, so, _fick dich._

PHARAH: ...Can I have some?

MERCY: Of course you can.

* * *

REINHARDT: "its dangerous to invite talon agents in" he says as he wraps his arm around gabriels waist on the couch together

REAPER: **He can't answer right now, his visor is broken.**

REAPER: **He's telling me to tell you to "fuck off."**

* * *

ANA: jamison

JUNKRAT: YEAH MAAM???

ANA: whatd you think would happen if i boosted your tire

69 (D.VA): do it

76: do not do it

69 (D.VA): DO IT

JUNKRAT: AIGHT

JUNKRAT: LEMME JUST

JUNKRAT: FUCK

JUNKRAT: I CANT GET OUTTA THE CAN  


JUNKRAT: ROADIE HELP ME OUT

ANA: thats okay he doesnt need to bother

ANA: ill just boost the trash can

ANA: i have the shot

**[JUNKRAT] went idle.**

69 (D.VA): he's dead lmao

LÚCIO: why

69 (D.VA): OMGGGGGGG

69 (D.VA): DID THEY INTERRUPT YOUR CONFESSION

69 (D.VA): also genji do you like how he did it in a prince costume

69 (D.VA): ninja prince and audio medic revolutionary prince

69 (D.VA): cute combo

GENJI: Yes to both of those

GENJI: And just as i was about the answer

LÚCIO: uh!!

LÚCIO: yeah about that

LÚCIO: why are we texting we could just talk

GENJI:

GENJI: Can i kiss you

LÚCIO: i

**[LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS] went idle.**

**[GENJI SHIMADA] went idle.**

69 (D.VA): well

MCCREE: think i know what his answer was

ZENYATTA: (＾＾)ｂ

BASTION: (^∇^)bｸﾞ

**[GENJI SHIMADA] reentered [HAPPY... OVERWEEN? I TRIED.]**

GENJI: Thats a yes, by the way

GENJI: Lets do a couple costume next year

**[LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS] reentered [HAPPY... OVERWEEN? I TRIED.]**

LÚCIO: yeah

* * *

69 (D.VA): well that was fun

**[SOLDIER 69 (D.VA)] switched name to [D.VA].**

D.VA: i'm gonna get some snacks anyone want anything

PHARAH: You just ate an entire tray of cookies.

PHARAH: And so much candy.

D.VA: so

* * *

LÚCIO: /whisper [D.VA]

LÚCIO: >> holy shit <<

LÚCIO: /whisper [LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS]

D.VA: >> yeah? <<

LÚCIO: >> im dating genji <<

LÚCIO: >> hes my boyfriend <<

D.VA: >> did <<

D.VA: >> did you just realize this <<

LÚCIO: >> it hasnt really sunk in yet <<

LÚCIO: >> howd i get so lucky <<

* * *

GENJI: /whisper [TRACER]

GENJI: >> HhhhhHHHHhhhhHhhhhh <<

TRACER: /whisper [GENJI]

TRACER: >> wot <<

GENJI: >> Im dating lúcio <<

GENJI: >> Hes my boyfriend <<

GENJI: >> I am dating lúcio correia dos santos who is my Boyfriend <<

GENJI: >> He confessed to me in a prince costume while blushing on a moonlit night i died again im dead call 2119 <<

GENJI: >> How the fuck <<

TRACER: >> mate <<

GENJI: >> Listen just because you have no standards and fall for purple ladies whos only hobby is murder doesnt mean the rest of us dont <<

GENJI: >> Lúcios out of my league <<

GENJI: >> How am i dating him <<

TRACER: >> mate i just drank like twelve gallons of cider im gonna die <<

TRACER: >>  _Donne-moi ton portable, Lena. <<_

TRACER: >> AMÉ thats my communicatorskfjlsk actually both of ours are remmebrhe you stole mine <<

TRACER: >> anyne remember that <<

GENJI: >> Im dating lúcio <<

GENJI: >> I HAVE TO GET HIM SOMETHING <<

GENJI: >> SOMETHING SPECIAL <<

TRACER: >> youve been dating for four hours <<

GENJI: >> This is four hours longer than what i expected <<

TRACER: >> give him a~smooch~ <<

TRACER: >> hey wheres hana gone off to shes not in the kitchen <<  


* * *

D.VA: >> can i be real <<

GENJI: >> I hate to tell you this but you are in fact real <<

D.VA: >> hah hah. <<

D.VA: >> i <<

D.VA: >> i didn't really have a lot of close friends and <<

D.VA: >> my family was all busy with their work and the omnic so they didn't really <<

D.VA: >> uh <<

D.VA: >> you, lúcio, hanzo, lena, everyone <<

D.VA: >> you're all <<

D.VA: >> like family i guess <<

D.VA: >> anyway <<

D.VA: >> yeah <<

D.VA: >> thank you <<

GENJI: >> ... <<

GENJI: >> When i first met you i thought you were a nice girl who liked video games <<

GENJI: >> And then i thought you were obnoxious <<

GENJI: >> The second part is still true <<

 

* * *

GENJI: /whisper [HANZO SHIMADA]

GENJI: >> Lúcios my BOYFRIEND <<

GENJI: >> Have you seen my great boyfriend <<

HANZO: >> Have you seen _my_ great boyfriend.  <<

GENJI: >> Youre dating a cowboy hanzo <<

GENJI: >> Youre wearing his poncho right now i can see you <<

HANZO: >> It is a serape. <<

GENJI: >> I have a boyfriend and a little sister <<

GENJI: >> This is the best day of my life <<

HANZO: >> I have a present for you. <<

GENJI: >> Is it a middle finger <<

GENJI: >> I can scroll up you know <<

HANZO: >> What. <<

HANZO: >> No. <<

HANZO: >> It's candy. I saved you some. <<

HANZO: >> I remember you used to like this kind. <<

GENJI: >> Hanzo

GENJI: >> I cant eat like 90% of the time <<

HANZO: >> <<

GENJI: >> You forgot didnt you <<

HANZO: >> I. <<

GENJI: >> Ill figure it out <<

GENJI: >> Thanks anija <<

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP JAMISON FAWKES  
> 20?? - 20?? . FUCK BLIZZARD TIMELINES  
> "fucking finally"  
> \- mako rutledge
> 
> anyway  
> i wrote like 95% of this before the halloween skins so that's why they're not included, So,
> 
> lúcio dresses up as a prince because. he is the prince of our hearts. he probably wouldn't want to be a prince though because monarchies are a corrupt system and lúcio's all about justice and freedom.
> 
> spanish translations by @ceebirdy on tumblr!! thank you for my life ceebirdy


	19. #confirmed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's your good pal atbash and vigenere

** [SOMBRA] reentered [HAPPY... OVERWEEN? I TRIED]. **

SOMBRA: HAPPY DAY OF THE DEAD YOU OVERFUCKERS!!!

REAPER: **It's 4 am.**

REAPER: **They're all asleep.**

SOMBRA: WHAT EVER

SOMBRA: IT'S 11:59 OCTOBER 31ST WHERE I AM SOOOO

SOMBRA: GUESS WHO BROKE INTO ALL YOUR PERSONAL COMPUTERS.

REAPER: **You did.**

SOMBRA: Lol yeah

SOMBRA: so.

SOMBRA: i leaked bits of your search history

SOMBRA: I'm bored of waiting.

REAPER: **Wait**

REAPER: **Even mine**

SOMBRA: yeah

REAPER: SOMBRA

SOMBRA: 凸( ^u^ )凸 jajajajajaja

REAPER: STOP

SOMBRA: No way

REAPER: Why.

SOMBRA: well

SOMBRA: They seem to be very interested in these "heroes."

REAPER: WHO IS "THEY???"

REAPER: WHERE DID YOU EVEN LEAK IT????

SOMBRA: The internet.

REAPER: ...

SOMBRA: theyll have to go out and find it

REAPER: **Who is "they."**

SOMBRA: (;

SOMBRA: winky face!!!

REAPER: **You're the worst.**

SOMBRA: Come on now, Gabriel, it's not that difficult of a puzzle.

SOMBRA: ERTVMVIV.  


SOMBRA: JAJAJAJAJAJAJA.

REAPER: Fuck off.

SOMBRA: GSV PVB RH "GDVMGBGSIVV."

REAPER: **_You're the worst._**

SOMBRA: i'm the best

SOMBRA: Now...

SOMBRA: apxcl://ykjrritzetbm.mbdfpk.ysz/hcvjjsqune

SOMBRA: BUENA SUERTE.

REAPER: God, you're so dramatic.

SOMBRA: Says the one wearing an owl mask and enters rooms as a puff of smoke

SOMBRA: jajajaja

REAPER: **I hate you.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> try and solve the ciphers! there's like five pages of overwatch search histories i wrote i don't want it to go to waste lmao
> 
>  
> 
> edit: hey...  
> there might be some even more secret content on the actual chapter ;3c  
> those white spaces are pretty big, aren't they?


	20. monopoly is less fun when you're locked indoors

SOMBRA: La que tiene la información; tiene el poder

SOMBRA: Too bad you dont have either JAJAJAJA

D.VA: huh??

SOMBRA: lights out

**[WIDOWMAKER] reentered [LÚCIO'S FUNKDOME].**

**[TRACER] reentered [LÚCIO'S FUNKDOME].**

WIDOWMAKER: What is going on.

TRACER: did the power just go out for everyone else as well???

** [SOLDIER 76] reentered [LÚCIO'S FUNKDOME]. **

76: power's out in gibraltar.

** [MEI-LING ZHOU] reentered [LÚCIO'S FUNKDOME]. **

MEI: the power is out in the lijiang base

MEI: but the internet seems to be working just fine...?

ZARYA: The doors have all been locked

**[JESSE MCCREE] reentered [LÚCIO'S FUNKDOME].**

**[HANZO SHIMADA] reentered [LÚCIO'S FUNKDOME].**

MCCREE: i think the powers off in all of the watchpoints

MCCREE: dont know how sombra did that

MCCREE: all the doors in hanamura are locked too

GENJI: Its the same for kings row

MERCY: Ilios seems to be suffering the same problem.

WIDOWMAKER: _C'est vraiment agaçant._

SOMBRA: jajajajajaja

D.VA: why do you keep doing this????

SOMBRA: Widowmaker.

SOMBRA: She knows why.

TRACER: huh???

TRACER: amé??

WIDOWMAKER: I... have no idea what she is talking about.

MCCREE: well now im just sitting in the dark with hana and lúcio

D.VA: yeah this blows

HANZO: The power is out.

WIDOWMAKER: Really.

WIDOWMAKER: I hadn't noticed.

D.VA: i was _STREAMING_

76: gabriel, can you do something about this

REAPER: **No.**

REAPER: **One time I asked if I could borrow her microwave, and she had me go through twelve ciphers to find a note under the couch that said "no."**

REAPER: **Not to mention what she did with our search histories.**

PHARAH: What search histories?

REAPER: **Nothing.**

REAPER: **You're going to have to go through her puzzles to get your power back, probably.**

WIDOWMAKER: Apparently, it is my fault.

WIDOWMAKER: Any ideas?  


REAPER: **I don't know.**

HANZO: So we are stuck here in the dark for however long until we figure out why Sombra is annoyed with Amélie.

GENJI: Since when do you call her amelie

WIDOWMAKER: It's Amélie.

TRACER: its amélie

HANZO: We're friends.

MEI: didn't you have this conversation already?

GENJI: Hanzos making friends without me knowing

D.VA: hanzo, satya, and widow are always judging everyone together.

SYMMETRA: We have tea.

GENJI: Do they judge me

D.VA: they judge everyone

76: you're getting off topic from the fact we're all locked inside of our bases

**** LÚCIO: SHIT

GENJI: WHAT

LÚCIO: _I FORGOT TO SAVE_

GENJI: Im so sorry

LÚCIO: _**MY DEMOS**_

MCCREE: ive got an idea

76: what

MCCREE: **board games**

76: no

MCCREE: hear me out

MCCREE: none of can think about why sombras done this

SOMBRA: I'm sure you'll figure it out

SOMBRA: eventually

MCCREE: right so while were tryna think this through

MCCREE: we can play board games

LÚCIO: were all in different countries

MCCREE: the internet exists

GENJI: Can we play mario party instead

ANA: mario party was banned after the hammer incident

PHARAH: I still haven't forgiven you, Jesse.

LÚCIO: what happened?

REINHARDT: i grievously underestimated how strong little fareehas arms were

PHARAH: He stole five of my stars.

PHARAH: Fucker.

LÚCIO: okay lets not play mario party then

D.VA: _MONOPOLY ONLINE_

76: that sounds like a terrible idea

MERCY: It's not on the "banned" list. Only regular Monopoly.

JUNKRAT: FUCK YEAH MONOPOLY ONLINE!!!!!

D.VA: FUCK YEAH!!!!

JUNKRAT: WHATS MONOPOLY

D.VA: ...

MCCREE: we should probably play in teams i dont think there are enough pieces

PHARAH: We could always play the 2050 version.

PHARAH: "Monopoly without limits."

MCCREE: that sounds terrifying

PHARAH: I know.

HANZO: Spreadsheets.

D.VA: ?

HANZO: I will make spreadsheets for the teams.

ANA: you dont need to do that

D.VA: can't we just use the teams that we're already in?? there are like three of us in every base

HANZO: Spreadsheets.

MCCREE: alrighty then

HANZO: The teams are as follows:

D.VA: these are just our base assignments why did we need to do this

HANZO: Clarity.

GENJI: Hanzo likes spreadsheets

HANZO: _[attached img: Monopoly_Online_Sheet.png]_

SYMMETRA: It's uneven.

HANZO: It bothers me too.

MEI: you misspelled lijiang

HANZO: ...

TRACER: we really need new members

TRACER: has anyone else responded to the recall yet?

WINSTON: Well a lot of our agents are dead, thanks to Talon.

REAPER: **Trust me, you don't want _them_ working with you.**

MCCREE: why

REAPER: **Wait.**

REAPER: **You put McCree in charge of two children, by himself, for a mission.**

D.VA: who are you calling a CHILD, old man???

LÚCIO: im 26

MCCREE: im 37

MCCREE: and dont change the subject

REAPER: **Put it back.**

REAPER: **It was like yesterday when you couldn't even make dinner for yourself.**

ANA: he still cant do that

LÚCIO: i saw him crying in front of a rice cooker yesterday

MCCREE: i was not crying

LÚCIO: okay you were sniffling

TRACER: reyes is playing??

HANZO: Well.

HANZO: I assumed so. That is why he is on the list.

REAPER: **Let me in already.**

ANA: well i dont know how youre going to get through the blocked doors that a certain hacker put in

SOMBRA: I'll hold the door for the old man.

TRACER: ...

TRACER: okay then

HANZO: Amélie, Satya, and I.

TRACER: wait wait ive got an idea!!

TRACER: separate channels for each team!!

HANZO: You can create channels?

TRACER: yep!

TRACER: everyone come up with team names!

* * *

  **[WINSTON] opened sub-channel [TEAM GIBRALTAR].**

**[WINSTON] added [TRACER], [ZENYATTA], and [SOLDIER 76].**

TRACER: this name sucks

**[TRACER] changed sub-channel name to [TRACER AND THE TRACERS].**

WINSTON: No.

**[WINSTON] changed sub-channel name to [TEAM GIBRALTAR].**

**[TRACER] changed sub-channel name to [TRACER AND THE TRACERS].**

**[WINSTON] changed sub-channel name to [TEAM GIBRALTAR].**

**[TRACER] changed sub-channel name to [TRACER AND THE TRACERS].**

ZENYATTA: ...

76: why

**[ZENYATTA] changed sub-channel name to [TEAM CORNFUCK].**

TRACER: see now THATS a name we can all agree on

76: can someone blow up the un again

* * *

**[ANA AMARI] opened sub-channel [SKULLCRUSHERS 2.0].**

**[ANA AMARI] added [GENJI SHIMADA] and [REAPER].**

GENJI: Why is there a 2.0

GENJI: Was there a skullcrushers 1.0

ANA: dont ask questions you arent prepared to know the answer to

GENJI: ...

ANA: so

ANA: ill find some lights

GENJI: No no ive got it

GENJI: I think that ive got some lights installed in my ass

GENJI: Also the rest of my body

REAPER: **Why.**

GENJI: They also have strobe light functions

ANA: thats sick

REAPER: **_Why._**

GENJI: If im going to have a sweet cyborg body im going to make it cool

REAPER: **I am not playing Monopoly Online by the light of your ass.**

GENJI: You bet your ASS you are

ANA: high five

GENJI: Im sitting next to you we dont need to text

GENJI: Why are we texting

ANA: this is an order genji

* * *

**[WIDOWMAKER] opened sub-channel [TEA TIME].**

**[WIDOWMAKER] added [SYMMETRA] and [HANZO SHIMADA].**

SYMMETRA: This is a good name.

WIDOWMAKER: I know.

* * *

**[LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS] opened sub-channel [Y'ALL'D'VE].**

**[LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS] added [D.VA] and [JESSE MCCREE].**

LÚCIO: this how americans talk right

D.VA: i think so

MCCREE: dont

MCCREE: sass me

* * *

**[PHARAH] opened sub-channel [BAMFS].**

**[PHARAH] added [MERCY], [REINHARDT], and [BASTION].**

MERCY: Fareeha...

PHARAH: No, no. Wait until we win. Jesse will cry.

BASTION: dweet doo doo

MERCY: Okay then.

* * *

**[MEI-LING ZHOU] opened sub-channel [TEAM LIJIANG].**

**[MEI-LING ZHOU] added [ZARYA], [ROADHOG].**

MEI: ...can we just leave junkrat out of this?

ROADHOG: Yes.

ZARYA: Please do

ROADHOG: He won't notice.

MEI: phew...

* * *

**CHANNEL: [LÚCIO'S FUNKDOME].**

MCCREE: FAREEHA THE HELLS YOUR TEAM NAME

PHARAH: We are the BAMFs.

MCCREE:

PHARAH: (:

D.VA: I CALL THE RACECAR!!!!

TRACER: i wanted that one!!

TRACER: fine well be the wheelbarrow

TRACER: farming people use wheelbarrows right

76: ...yes.

GENJI: I want the cat

PHARAH: We will take the battleship.

WIDOWMAKER: Boot.

MEI: we'll have the scottie dog! :)

* * *

D.VA: GRAAAGHJGHFHHGG

D.VA: STEAL MY FUCKING PROPERTY IT'S LIKE STEALING MY FIRSTBORN CHILD

TRACER: HANA ITS JUST A GAME

D.VA: IT'S _NOT_ JUST A GAME ANYMORE, LENA

D.VA: THIS

D.VA: IS

D.VA: _WAR_

MCCREE: gonna be honest im a little terrified right now

GENJI: I think we all are

* * *

**SUB-CHANNEL: [Y'ALL'D'VE].**

MCCREE: we can buy boardwalk back

D.VA: omg omg team cornfuck is THIS close to getting bankrupt

MCCREE: what if we gave em a loan

MCCREE: but like _just_ not enough

D.VA: >>>>:3c

LÚCIO: you people are evil

D.VA: _i play to win_

* * *

**SUB-CHANNEL: [BAMFS].**

PHARAH: Angie, we are getting Park Street if it _kills_ us.

BASTION: DWEET DWEET

MERCY: SHIT

PHARAH: NOOOOO

MERCY: HANA IS LAUGHING AT US IN THE OTHER CHANNEL

PHARAH: I **refuse** to be beaten by Jesse.

PHARAH: _This_ is my revenge for Mario Party.

MERCY: WE ROLLED A SIX! YES!

PHARAH: AND WE HAVE ENOUGH FOR IT!!!!

MERCY: FAREEHA, I LOVE YOU!

PHARAH: I LOVE YOU TOO

REINHARDT: HAHA

REINHARDT: VICTORY IS OURS!!!

BASTION: BWOO BWOO BWOO! (^V^✿ )!!!

* * *

**SUB-CHANNEL: [TEA TIME].**

WIDOWMAKER: If we move six spaces, we can take Team BAMFs property.

HANZO: I am going to take Genji's property.

SYMMETRA: That is not the best course of action if we wish to win.

HANZO: I don't care.

WIDOWMAKER: Reaper is on that team.

WIDOWMAKER: We will take that property.

WIDOWMAKER: It's the only one where they have hotels.

SYMMETRA: Team BAMF has Park Street.

SYMMETRA: Pennsylvania Avenue is not worth as much.

HANZO: I am going to take it.

SYMMETRA: Okay then.

* * *

**CHANNEL: [LÚCIO'S FUNKDOME].**

SOMBRA: /whisper [REAPER]

SOMBRA: >> I want to play monopoly <<

REAPER: /whisper [SOMBRA]

REAPER: >> **We're already playing.** <<

SOMBRA: >> ... <<

REAPER: >> **Please tell me you're not going to hack our game.** <<

SOMBRA: >> Too late i already did <<

SOMBRA: >> I'm joining your team <<

REAPER: >> **We're losing.** <<

SOMBRA: >> Not for much longer <<

REAPER: **Sombra is joining the game on my team.**

SOMBRA: What's up losers

MCCREE: are you done being weird and mysterious now

MCCREE: are you just going to join our channel like every other villain

ANA: are they _really_ villains though

ANA: i mean look at gabriel

REAPER: **...**

ANA: like he acts all villainy but _come on_

TRACER: shes got a point

TRACER: why ARE you working with talon

REAPER: **That's none of your business.**

TRACER: HMMMMM

SOMBRA: _I_ know why he is

REAPER: What

SOMBRA: Jajajajajajaja

SOMBRA: Everyone who works at Talon has ulterior motives

SOMBRA: That's just a fact

MCCREE: /whisper [REAPER]

MCCREE: >> okay but are you evil or not im confused <<

MCCREE: >> at this point i cant tell<<

REAPER: >> **It's none of your business, McCree.** <<

MCCREE: >> why you cant just **say** that and not expect me to do anythin  <<

REAPER: >> **I know.** <<

MCCREE: >> commander <<

MCCREE: >> yall know how the story goes <<

MCCREE: >> the man in black fled across the desert <<

MCCREE: >> and the gunslinger followed<<

REAPER: >> This channel's not very secure, Jesse. <<

REAPER: >> I don't know how many people could be watching. <<

REAPER: >> I can think of at least **one.** <<

REAPER: >> ** _Sombra._** <<

SOMBRA: >> Don't be upset Reyes <<

SOMBRA: >> I'm just doing my job <<

MCCREE: >> okay another question who the fuck are you <<

SOMBRA: >> I'm in <<

MCCREE: >> ... <<

SOMBRA: >> I'm Reyes cooler, new adopted kid with a better aesthetic <<

SOMBRA: >> You've been replaced, cowboy <<

MCCREE: >> im plenty cool <<

SOMBRA: >> The first time I saw your file I could not believe you existed for a solid two weeks <<

SOMBRA: >> Who dresses like a cowboy in 2073? <<

MCCREE: >> COWBOYS ARE COOL <<

SOMBRA: >> amigo... <<

MCCREE: >> **amiga** <<

MCCREE: >> cyberpunk aint cool <<

SOMBRA: >> Cowboys aren't cool <<

SOMBRA: >> You walk around with a buckle that says "BAMF," you wear a poncho, and you quote decade old movies <<

SOMBRA: >> You're not cool, jesse mccree <<

MCCREE: >> **you** **take that back** <<

MCCREE: >> OW <<

SOMBRA: >> Stop hitting yourself stop hitting yourself <<

REAPER: >> **Sombra.** <<

SOMBRA: >> Fine fine <<

* * *

**SUB-CHANNEL: [SKULLCRUSHERS 2.0]**  
****

SOMBRA: I've been leeching funds from the bank for the past twenty minutes

GENJI: Oh

REAPER: **Okay.**

ANA: our money hasnt increased though

SOMBRA: Oh whoops wrong bank

SOMBRA: I was taking money from the vishkar corp funds jajajaja

SOMBRA: _There_ we go that's the monopoly money

GENJI: How much for you to take some of the shimada gumi money and send to my personal account

SOMBRA: Depends

GENJI: Message me after this well talk

REAPER: **Aren't Overwatch agents supposed to be good.**

GENJI: I operate on a strictly chaotic good standard

ANA: id say im a neutral good

GENJI: Youre chaotic good

ANA: what

GENJI: Remember during the halloween party you kept sleepdarting people just to give them candy

ANA: oh yeah i did didnt i

* * *

**SUB-CHANNEL: [TEAM CORNFUCK].**

TRACER: hanas been going after us ever since we took pacific avenue

TRACER: please help

76: how am i supposed to help

TRACER: YOU AND WINSTON ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE TOP COMMANDERS IN THE WORLD ARENT YOU

76: maybe winston is but i'm not

WINSTON: Why would any of us ever have financial experience.

ZENYATTA: I consider myself to be skilled at winning bets.

TRACER: OH BOLLOCKS TEAM YALLDVE HAS ALL OF THE PINK PROPERTY

ZENYATTA: I do not mean to sound pessimistic, but we have no chance at winning.

* * *

**CHANNEL: [LÚCIO'S FUNKDOME].**

D.VA: R E V E N G E

TRACER: team cornfuck is out.......

TRACER: we had a good run lads

76: we were the first once to go bankrupt

TRACER: OKAY BUT THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT WE TRIED

* * *

**SUB-CHANNEL: [BAMFS]**

MERCY: NO

PHARAH: **_NO_**

REINHARDT: NOOOO

BASTION: DWEET DWEET DWEET

MERCY: NOT **_JAIL_**

PHARAH: THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE OUR GREEN SPACES!

* * *

**SUB-CHANNEL: [TEA TIME].**

SYMMETRA: I have taken Atlantic Avenue.

SYMMETRA: If we can also procure North Carolina Avenue from team BAMF, we may win.

HANZO: ...

SYMMETRA: ?

HANZO: Hana has sent me this.

HANZO: [attached img: HIIIHANZO.png]

HANZO: They are at the Rikimaru near where I was born, and they didn't get the drink I liked there.

HANZO: On purpose.

HANZO: Even though I asked them to.

HANZO: We must defeat them.

SYMMETRA: ...

* * *

**SUB-CHANNEL: [Y'ALL'D'VE].**

LÚCIO: hana that was just mean

D.VA: well we _did_ buy it for him

D.VA: he just

D.VA: won't know about until we get back

MCCREE: monopoly is gettin in the way of me being a loving boyfriend

LÚCIO: dont you mean cowboyfriend

MCCREE: no i dont

D.VA: ㅋㅋㅋㅋ

D.VA: im jesse mccree yall

D.VA: howdy howdy howdy

D.VA: this is how people from texas talk

MCCREE: im not from texas

MCCREE: im from new mexico

LÚCIO: is there a difference

MCCREE: **YES**

SOMBRA: STOP HITTING YOURSELF JESSE

MCCREE: **OW**

D.VA: okay as funny as watching mccree slap himself with a prosthetic is

D.VA: how did she get in here

LÚCIO: cowboy: hacked

MCCREE:  ** _STOP HITTING ME_**

SOMBRA: I'm a hacker

SOMBRA: I hack

D.VA: ...

D.VA: okay

D.VA: that's fair

D.VA: but what did widow do??

SOMBRA: That's for her to figure out

D.VA: i don't want to sit here in the darkness forever

SOMBRA: Not my problem

LÚCIO: yeah i want to get lunch after this

LÚCIO: also get back to base i was gonna have a date with genji

D.VA: awwww gay <3

LÚCIO: thats the idea

* * *

**[WIDOWMAKER] added [TRACER] to [TEA TIME].**

TRACER: heya!!

WIDOWMAKER: She is part of this team now.

TRACER: so hows the hate bond squad doing

SYMMETRA: We are well.

TRACER: id say either yalldve or skullcrushers 2.0 will win

TRACER: but on another note

TRACER: amé what did you do to make that sombra character mad?

WIDOWMAKER: I have no idea.

WIDOWMAKER: We worked together on multiple missions, but I cannot think of any particular instance that would incite such a reaction.

TRACER: hmmm

TRACER: ill go look around gibraltar!! maybe theres something here

WIDOWMAKER: Are you just going to look around other rooms, aren't you.

TRACER: you betcha!!!

* * *

**CHANNEL: [LÚCIO'S FUNKDOME.]**

D.VA: and team bamfs is OUT

PHARAH: NO

REINHARDT: NOOOOOO

MERCY: _VERDAMMT_

D.VA: sorry <3

BASTION: dweet...

D.VA: i play to win~

MCCREE: never did like goin easy on you fareeha

PHARAH: Shut up, Jesse.

TRACER: [attached img: lol.png]

TRACER: interesting choice of clothing @SOLDIER 76

76: it was a gift.

TRACER: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

MCCREE: OW

SOMBRA: Jajaja

REINHARDT: I REMEMBER THAT

REINHARDT: didnt reyes give it to you

MCCREE: WHAT DOES IT SAY

HANZO: Why are you typing in caps.

MCCREE: I KEEP ON GETTING HIT IN THE FACE WITH MY OWN ARM AND I CANT OPEN THE IMAGE

HANZO: "Grumpy Old Man In Training"  


MCCREE: SONDS ABOUT RIGHT

D.VA: sonds

LÚCIO: sonds

PHARAH: Sonds.

GENJI: Sonds

MCCREE: YOU TRY TYPING WHILE ONE HANDS WHACKING YOU IN THE FACE

REAPER: **Sombra.**

SOMBRA: Fine, fine

MCCREE: hanzo come over here and gimme a kiss to make me feel better <3

**[HANZO SHIMADA] left [LÚCIO'S FUNKDOME].**

MCCREE: ㄷ|:( guess thats a no

PHARAH: What is that?  


MCCREE: its my hat

PHARAH: ...

PHARAH: :/

MCCREE: ㄷ|:((((

D.VA: look i can make 76

D.VA: >||( young punks... get off my lawn

76: i don't look like that

D.VA: ...

REAPER: **...**

WIDOWMAKER: ...

TRACER: ...

PHARAH: ......

ANA: jack.

REINHARDT: ...

MEI: ...

SYMMETRA: ...

MCCREE: ...

76: quiet

MCCREE: ㄷ|:)

* * *

**SUB-CHANNEL: [TEA TIME].**

SYMMETRA: Hanzo, where are you going?

HANZO: Out.

**[HANZO SHIMADA] left [TEA TIME].**

* * *

**CHANNEL: [LÚCIO'S FUNKDOME]**

D.VA: it's been a whole fucking day how long are you gonna keep us in here

SOMBRA: Until Widowmaker returns what she has stolen.

D.VA: okay so she stole something???

TRACER: im looking im looking!!!

* * *

TRACER: BWAHAHAHAH look what i found in jack's room  
****

TRACER: [attached img: worlds_worst_dad.png]

76: why are you looking around _my_ room for something _widowmaker_ could have done

TRACER: because i want to snoop

76: i don't want to be stuck in this base anymore

TRACER: okay okay fine

D.VA: where did all of our monopoly money go

SOMBRA: (:

MCCREE: **_SOMBRA_**

SOMBRA: Jajajaja

TRACER: amé whered you get this jacket?? its really cool!!

TRACER: [attached: cooljacket.png]

WIDOWMAKER: What jacket are you talking about.

SOMBRA: THERE it is

WIDOWMAKER: That is yours?

TRACER: you stole sombras jacket?  


WIDOWMAKER: I suppose.

WIDOWMAKER: Though I have no recollection of doing so.

SOMBRA: I lent you that jacket for the lijiang mission and you decided to desert then and never give it back

WIDOWMAKER: You could have just asked.

WIDOWMAKER: You did not need to lock every Overwatch agent in their station until we figured it out.

SOMBRA: Yes i did

WIDOWMAKER: Why.

SOMBRA: ...

SOMBRA: I don't understand the question

WIDOWMAKER: Do you want it back.

SOMBRA: Of course I do

SOMBRA: Okay you're all free to go

SYMMETRA: Finally.

76: oh thank god

GENJI: Sweet

** [JESSE MCCREE] reentered [LÚCIO'S FUNKDOME]. **

MCCREE: WHAT THE MCFUCK

SOMBRA: What i didn't even do anything

LÚCIO: mcfuck...

**[HANZO SHIMADA] reentered [LÚCIO'S FUNKDOME].**

HANZO: You said you wanted a kiss.

MCCREE: HOWD YOU GET HERE

HANZO: I punched the window open and took a plane.

MCCREE: just to give me a kiss

HANZO: Yes.

MCCREE: darlin i love you

GENJI: Thats gay

HANZO: Yes.

SOMBRA: How did you punch a window open

HANZO: You cannot hack fists.

SOMBRA: ...

D.VA: sombra's weakness

WINSTON: Okay, everyone report back to Gibraltar.

MEI: WAIT! WAIT!

WINSTON: What?

MEI: WE WON!

WINSTON: What.

MEI: well

MEI: nobody took their turns

ZARYA: We have taken every space on the board

MEI: :)

D.VA: ...

MCCREE: ...

LÚCIO: ...

MCCREE: i

MCCREE: i guess you win

MEI: hooray!!! ^_^

MEI: go team lijiang!!!

D.VA: that was a shit game of monopoly

PHARAH: It really was.

GENJI: How did we lose we were cheating

ANA: money is useless if you cant do anything with it

GENJI: Thats quite profound

ANA: lmao yeah i guess

* * *

REAPER: /whisper [SOMBRA]

REAPER: >> **I would have just made you a new jacket.** <<

SOMBRA: >> It's not the SAME <<

* * *

JUNKRAT: HEY

JUNKRAT: WERENT WE PLAYING A GAME OR SOMETHING

ROADHOG: No.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AY so here's the New Chapter
> 
> i posted about this already on my tumblr (wink) but here are the sombra leaks from the last chapter: http://arcaneadagio.tumblr.com/quienessombra


	21. overwatch channel archives dated 20??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bring your spawn to work day

**[ANA AMARI] reentered [THE BAMFS].**

ANA: todays "bring your spawn to work day" so fareehas getting my communicator

MCCREE: captain did you just say "spawn"

ANA: is something the matter jesse

MCCREE: uh

MCCREE: no

ANA: Hi everyone!!! This is Fareeha!

MCCREE: howdy

REYES: Hey kid

REINHARDT: HELLO!!

ANA: How do I change the name??

REINHARDT: settings!

ANA: Do I get a code name now that I have this communicator?

REYES: Your mom certainly didn't.

ANA: :( I want a cool callsign.

 

REINHARDT: what about me??

ANA: _You_ don't need a callsign to be cool

ANA: The only cool ones here are my mom, Reinhardt and Uncle Gabe.

JESSE: im not cool???

REYES: Sorry kid, you didn't make the cut

JESSE: ):

ANA: What does "bamf" mean??

MCCREE: um

MCCREE: ask your mom

ANA: Okay

ANA: She says it means

ANA: "Bad at making friends."

ANA: Now it makes sense why she bought it for you.

MCCREE: WOW

KIMIKO: Looks like Ana has passed down the fine Amari tradition of roasting Jesse McCree at every possible opportunity.

REYES: So you said you wanted a callsign?

ANA: Yeah!! And a cool outfit.

REYES: I might be able to make you an outfit

REYES: Do you want it to be like someone's? Your mom's?

ANA: I don't want it to look like Jesse's

REYES: That's understandable

MCCREE: HEY **YOU** MADE THIS FOR ME

REYES: And it's definitely an upgrade from the stuff you wore in Deadlock

MCCREE: i

MCCREE: wont deny that

GENJI: You wear spurs

ANA: I've decided on my outfit.

REYES: Really?

ANA: I want it to look like a class 8 fighter jet with rocket boosters and a jetpack.

ANA: Or Samus Aran from Metroid.

ANA: Or both!

REYES: ...

MCCREE: ...

TRACER: ...

MIREMBE: Werent you going to change your username!

ANA: Oh yeah!

**[ANA AMARI] changed name to [FAREEHA AMARI].**

**[JACK MORRISON] reentered [THE BAMFS].**

FAREEHA: Hi Mr. Morrison!  


MORRISON: uh

MORRISON: hi, fareeha?

MORRISON: did... ana give you her communicator?

REYES: Apparently it's "bring your spawn to work day"

MORRISON: i don't remember ever authorizing anything like that? :-/

MCCREE: captain amari said so

MORRISON: i guess it's bring your spawn to work day then

MORRISON: do we have to entertain her...?

FAREEHA: I'm right here, you know.

FAREEHA: And I can entertain myself.

MORRISON: okay then you can just walk around if you want

FAREEHA: Where do you keep all the weapons?

MORRISON: uh

REYES: Alright you're gonna need adult supervision

MCCREE: i got it

REYES: I said **adult** supervision

MCCREE: i dont got it

MORRISON: i'm kind of busy

FAREEHA: That's okay

FAREEHA: I don't really want to hang out with you

TRACER: BWAHAHAHAH

KIMIKO: Ouch

MIREMBE: rip in pieces jack morrison

REYES: Come on kid

REYES: Let's check out the rockets

MCCREE: is captain amari gonna be ok with that

REYES: No

REYES: Hurry before she finds out

LACROIX: Trust me, she'll find out.

* * *

GENJI: Listen mccree nobodys going to want to fuck a cowboy

MCCREE: but everybody likes cowboys

GENJI: No

GENJI: Youre seventeen now but when youre like

GENJI: Thirty the cowboy thing will no longer be charming and nobody will fuck you

MCCREE: this is assuming ill get to thirty

GENJI: Whatever

MCCREE: but if i do

MCCREE: i guarantee theres someone out there who **will** fuck a cowboy

MCCREE: and ill find him

MCCREE: and ill be his cowboyfriend

GENJI: Why are you this way

**[FAREEHA AMARI] reentered [THE BAMFS].**

**[GABRIEL REYES] reentered [THE BAMFS].**

GENJI: Uh

MCCREE: FAREEHA AVERT YOUR EYES

FAREEHA: From what?

MCCREE: just dont scroll up ok

REYES: /whisper [JESSE MCCREE]

REYES: >> Kid <<

MCCREE: /whisper [GABRIEL REYES]

MCCREE: >> i know <<

REINHARDT: how were the rockets??

FAREEHA: They were cool!

FAREEHA: We couldn't use any of them though...

REYES: Don't even think about it

FAREEHA: ):

FAREEHA: Can't you at least teach me how to fight in hand-to-hand combat?

REYES: Doesn't Ana already do that with you

FAREEHA: Yeah but I want to learn it Blackwatch style as well!

GENJI: Here are some blackwatch fighting tips:

GENJI: 1. Get a gun

MCCREE: yeah i dont do the whole hand to hand combat thing

MCCREE: more of a marksman myself

FAREEHA: What about that weird thing that genji told me you did

GENJI: Which weird thing

GENJI: He does a lot of weird things like dressing like a cowboy

MCCREE: mcfuckin rude

MCCREE: SHIT

MCCREE: I MEAN

MCCREE: NOT FUCK OR SHIT UH

REYES: **Jesse.**

FAREEHA: I know what a swear is -_-

FAREEHA: I was talking about that weird thing you told me about

FAREEHA: Where jesse starts glowing and shoots a bunch of people?

GENJI: Yeah i still dont know what that was

GENJI: Mccree what was that

MCCREE: deadeye

GENJI: That doesnt answer my question

MCCREE: well whats that thing **you** do with the dragons

GENJI: Its an ancient shimada fighting technique passed down for generations

MCCREE: well that sounds like a load of bull

MCCREE: youve got like a projector or somethin in your cyborg body right

GENJI: No

MCCREE: really?

GENJI: You glow and shoot more bullets than you have in your gun i dont think youre in the position to be questioning my magic spirit dragons

FAREEHA: So is anyone going to teach me how to fight?

REYES: Sure why not

FAREEHA: I'm going to get strong enough to benchpress Jesse

REYES: Strive higher than that

**[ANA AMARI] entered [THE BAMFS].**

ANA: so APPARENTLY i cant just give away my comm to my daughter so they made me get a new one

FAREEHA: Hi Mom!!

ANA: hi sweetie

ANA: hows everyone so far

FAREEHA: They're all losers except for Reinhardt

ANA: yes thats exactly right

MCCREE: hey now

GENJI: But

GENJI: Im a ninja

FAREEHA: Ninjas are old news

GENJI: W

GENJI: No

GENJI: No ninjas are _always_ cool

MCCREE: HAH

FAREEHA: I have questions about Overwatch?

REYES: As long as it isn't confidential

FAREEHA: What's underneath your hat?

FAREEHA: Do you ever take it off??

REYES: ...

MCCREE: thats confidential

ANA: overwatch confidentials: did you know that under gabriels beanie is, in fact, another beanie

FAREEHA: I have another question

MCCREE: shoot

FAREEHA: I don't have a gun

FAREEHA: Or a rocket launcher

FAREEHA: **_Yet._**

MCCREE: ...its an expression

FAREEHA: Oh 

FAREEHA: Why does genji wear clothes?

GENJI: What

FAREEHA: Isn't your robot body clothing?

FAREEHA: So you shouldn't have to wear clothes.

GENJI:

GENJI: Oh my god

**[MIREMBE] reentered [THE BAMFS].**

MIREMBE: why is genji stripping?

GENJI: CLOTHES ARE FOR LOSERS

REYES: This is the happiest i've ever seen him

FAREEHA: My third question

FAREEHA: Why is Genji a cyborg?

GENJI: My brother murdered me next question

FAREEHA: What?

GENJI: I know right

MCCREE: yknow ive been meaning to ask but whats your brother like?

GENJI: He killed me

MCCREE: ...

MCCREE: ok anything else

GENJI: He is a full time asshole part time murderer

GENJI: He looks like this

GENJI: _[attached image: fratricide.png]_

GENJI: One day im just going to show up to hanamura castle and beat him up

MCCREE: are you gonna use your weird fake dragons

GENJI: Yes i am

FAREEHA: Final question

FAREEHA: Is everyone in Overwatch like this?

ANA: yes.

FAREEHA: I want to be a part of Overwatch...

ANA: no you dont sweetheart

ANA: you really dont

REYES: Hey fareeha

REYES: Do you want to learn some sparring tips?

FAREEHA: Yes!!

FAREEHA: I'm going to benchpress all of Overwatch some day

FAREEHA: Including Jesse and his probably-never-going-to-exist-boyfriend

MCCREE: one of these days ill find him

GENJI: No you wont

MCCREE: youre not wearing clothes

GENJI: I am clothing

MCCREE: leave

GENJI: Maybe i will jesse

GENJI: Maybe i will

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unfortunately it's not a thanksgiving chapter, but i do make fun of mccree a lot in this one, and that's something we can all be grateful for
> 
> happy thanksgiving to all of my american readers, and remember: this country was founded on the backs of slaves and graves of native american people. remember to fight your racist relatives, and have a great thanksgiving! i'm always here to cheer up the mood
> 
> next chapter is in progress...


	22. your no. 1 guide on how to not celebrate the holidays

REINHARDT: HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

MCCREE: HAPPY HANUKKAH

MERCY: Happy Holidays! Please don't do anything stupid for once.

MERCY: Please.

MERCY: We're so tired.

LÚCIO: please

ZENYATTA: I agree.

TRACER: happy christnukkah

D.VA: happy ummmm

D.VA: holidays

LÚCIO: happy hanukkah 

GENJI: Anija keeps "accidentally" walking in front of mistletoe to kiss jesse

MCCREE: im not complaining

LÚCIO: haha who... who would do something like that..............

GENJI: Well i want them to make room for the rest of us

D.VA: pshhh just steal some mistletoe and hold it in front of you

HANZO: If Genji wanted people to walk around him, he could just use his sword.

LÚCIO: OUCH

GENJI: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

GENJI: WE LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH

LÚCIO: its true

LÚCIO: lets do some cute holiday couple shit

LÚCIO: do you think we could get fireworks while music plays in the background

JUNKRAT: ON IT

WINSTON: No, no fireworks. No.

JUNKRAT: COME ON

JUNKRAT: IT AINT A PARTY WITHOUT FIREWORKS

D.VA: you don't even celebrate any of the holidays

JUNKRAT: ...HOLIDAYS??

* * *

D.VA: ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ my viewers are gonna eat NUTS for this stream

TRACER: what stream??

D.VA: gencio and i are streaming a bunch of challenges!! it's not going to be a long stream but it'll be GREAT

MEI: gencio...?

D.VA: genji and lúcio

D.VA: like symmeirya

MEI: ohhh

MEI: that's a cute name!!

ZARYA: Not as cute as you two are

SYMMETRA: Zarya!

MEI: zarya!!

MCCREE: hold on did you say "eat nuts"

D.VA: ...yes?

MCCREE: its

MCCREE: its _go_ nuts

MCCREE: not _eat_ nuts

D.VA: .................

D.VA: i'll eat all the nuts i fucking want

MCCREE: alrighty then

GENJI: I wasnt paying attention why are we eating nuts

D.VA: we're not eating nuts

GENJI: Oh good im allergic to most of them

PHARAH: You are?

GENJI: Yeah im allergic to almonds and peanuts

D.VA: i saw you drinking almond milk yesterday

PHARAH: Me too.

GENJI: I thought that was soy

D.VA: it said "almond milk" on it in portuguese

GENJI: Well thats why i didnt know i dont read portuguese

D.VA: it had a picture of an almond on it

GENJI: No it didnt

D.VA: ??????? YES IT DID????

PHARAH: It definitely did.

LÚCIO: you drank my almond milk??? that was in my minifridge!!!

MCCREE: wait you have a minifridge

GENJI: I thought we could share things now

LÚCIO: well

LÚCIO: i mean yeah

LÚCIO: but i wanted that almond milk

GENJI: Ill buy you some im sorry

HANZO: I thought you were allergic to almonds.

GENJI: Apparently not?? Im not dead again

GENJI: I guess thats one benefit of being murdered by your brother and turned into a ninja cyborg

GENJI: Thanks hanzo

HANZO: Don't joke about that.

GENJI: Im gonna joke about it

D.VA: genji look at one of the challenges

LÚCIO: were gonna need more almond milk

TRACER: dw im at the grocery store with amé now

HANZO: How do you keep sneaking out of the base to buy food products.

HANZO: With a purple woman, no less.

TRACER: im gay

WIDOWMAKER: I am bi.

HANZO: That is not an answer.

TRACER: well i guess _im_ the best ninja in overwatch

TRACER: since nobody else can seem to go to the grocery store

GENJI: Hey im the best ninja in overwatch

LÚCIO: the last time we went to get food we were both arrested

WINSTON: Why is the first time I'm hearing about this?

GENJI: We broke out

SYMMETRA: You are welcome for that.

WINSTON: ...

* * *

TRACER: BACK FROM THE STORE!!! i bought stuff if anyone wants to help me

TRACER: were making COOKIES and LATKES and something else why did we buy apples

WIDOWMAKER: I wanted apples.

TRACER: lets get started!

* * *

WIDOWMAKER: I think I feel something.

TRACER: THATS THE CHRISMUKKAH SPIRIT LUV

TRACER: or kwanzaa...mas for you?

WIDOWMAKER: Kwanzmas.

TRACER: together we make

TRACER: chrismakkanzas

WIDOWMAKER: _Cherie._

TRACER: yeah?

WIDOWMAKER:Never say that again.

MCCREE: hey reyes you get me anything for hanukkah

REAPER: **...**

REAPER: **Yes...**

SOMBRA: What

SOMBRA: you got the wannabe vaquero something but you didn't get _me_ anything??

SOMBRA: and after all we've been through

REAPER: **You shot me in the leg last mission.**

SOMBRA: **_THROUGH_** the leg

SOMBRA: and i killed that other guy didn't i!! you did say you were going to turn into smoke

REAPER:  **...**

WINSTON: ...Did we invite them?

WIDOWMAKER: I did.

PHARAH: I invited Uncle Gabe.

MCCREE: i invited em

76: ...

REAPER: **And I _did_ get you something, Sombra.**

REAPER: **I was trying to keep it a _secret._**

SOMBRA: you can't keep secrets from me

REAPER: **...Sure.**

**[SOLDIER 76] reentered [ALMOND NUT].**

76: WHO PUT COAL IN MY BED

REINHARDT: youve been awfully naughty my friend!! faking your death like that

TRACER: i put the coal there

GENJI: I definitely threw some in there

MCCREE: think i dumped a couple bits in there

ANA: i just threw my garbage in there

D.VA: i mean i put some in there once i figured out what jesse was doing

LÚCIO: haha

LÚCIO: someones been naughty

LÚCIO: or just an asshole  


PHARAH: Uncle Gabe, did you get me anything?

REAPER: **Yes.**

MCCREE: YES

MCCREE: A NEW SWEATER

HANZO: That is the ugliest sweater I've ever seen.

ANA: that was the firstjesse said when he had the holidays here

HANZO: Really?

GENJI: Holy shit

GENJI: Anija used a question mark

GENJI: Character development

HANZO: Fuck off.

GENJI: (^:

ANA: yes it was an experience

ANA: jesse opened his present and said

ANA: "this is the ugliest damn thing ive ever seen. i hate it" all while putting the sweater on

ANA: also he was crying

MCCREE: i wasnt crying

REAPER: **Yes you were.**

ANA: gabe used to make sweaters for every member of blackwatch + jack + me + reinhardt

REINHARDT: i ripped mine

ANA: it was a good sweater

D.VA: what'd it say??

REINHARDT: "FOXY GRANDPA"  


D.VA: bye grandpa i'm unadopting you

* * *

MERCY: Okay, Jesse, I am forbidding you and Genji from "Holiday Dares" this year.

MCCREE: WHAT

GENJI: This is homophobia at its peak... truly shameful doctor ziegler

MERCY: The last time we all celebrated together you shoved an entire pine branch _into_ Genji's leg.

D.VA: i thought you were gonna say something very different and i was REALLY worried

MERCY: You ruined the holidays. Don't you remember how mad Gabriel was.

MCCREE: i try to forgoet

D.VA: hey genji i dare you to climb up to eat all of lenas chrismukkwanza cookies

GENJI: Deal

MERCY: Motherfucker.

TRACER: LIKE HELL YOULL TOUCH THESE

GENJI: Ill race you

TRACER: oh youre gonna lose

* * *

MERCY: _What did I fucking tell you._

TRACER: to be fair, i didnt know the monitors were so loose

D.VA: i was gonna eat those cookies...

* * *

D.VA: WHO WANTS FUCKING _CHESTNUTS_

D.VA: i forgot the word for chestnuts for a second and almost wrote "boobnuts"

TRACER: Hanzo and Amé's favorite kind.

D.VA: ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ

GENJI: FUCK yes chestnuts

GENJI: What do chestnuts taste like ive never had them

D.VA: they're good

LÚCIO: i want oranges

D.VA: that's not a holiday food

LÚCIO: i know but i just want oranges

TRACER: i made latkes!! also cookies

TRACER: they kinda look like shit? but they taste good

WIDOWMAKER: You can say that again.

TRACER: they kinda look like shit

MERCY: Do you have any fruit or vegetables in there?

TRACER: nope!!

MERCY: Holidays are no excuse for not eating healthy.

PHARAH: Dear, you ate nothing but plain bagels and coffee last week, I don't think you're in the position to be criticizing Lena.

MERCY: ...

PHARAH: (:

MEI: i have soup!!

TRACER: is it holiday soup?

MEI: it's tomato?

TRACER: out

MEI: but zarya and satya love tomato soup

TRACER: OH its gay than its fine

SYMMETRA: I'm glad you didn't burn anything this time.

TRACER: me too!!!

WIDOWMAKER: You are terrible at decorating cookies.

TRACER: i know!

D.VA: why does this one have no legs

LÚCIO: its me

LÚCIO: im taking that one

PHARAH: [attached img: _armless_cookie.png]_

PHARAH: Is this Jesse?

MCCREE: hell yeah it is

ZENYATTA: While I do enjoy the festivities, I don't particularly celebrate any of these holidays.

ZENYATTA: Though I do enjoy the decorations.

ZENYATTA: Don't you, my friend?

BASTION: dweet doo doot!!!!! (∩´͈ ᐜ `͈∩)

MEI: i made bastion a new hat!! and a matching one for ganymede too

D.VA: it's soooo cute

BASTION: beep!!

ZENYATTA: He thanks you for your generous gift.

D.VA: i don't really celebrate christmas religiously either zen

D.VA: like my dads would be like "happy christmas hana here's a new computer because of capitalism surrounding the holidays we love you" and i'd be like "sweet" and then we'd eat dinner and play video games after

D.VA: except we'd talk in korean obvs

D.VA: ...

D.VA: i miss them

D.VA: not to dampen the mood or anything

ANA: hana?

ANA: do you want to play some of your video games

D.VA: yeah!

* * *

GENJI: One time hanzo dared me to climb up a giant christmas tree

HANZO: No, I didn't.

HANZO: You said, and I quote: "Anija do you think i could climb up this tree"

HANZO: To which I replied, "Genji, do not climb up that tree."

HANZO: And then you climbed up the tree.

HANZO: And broke your legs.

MCCREE: hey we match

MCCREE: falling from heights club

GENJI: Nice

MCCREE: nice

REAPER: **Why did I recruit you two into Blackwatch.**

MCCREE: cause nobody else would have us

GENJI: Commander reyes do i get a sweater

GENJI: Does my boyfriend get a sweater

REAPER: **Did Lúcio _ask_ for a sweater.**

LÚCIO: im wearing like three sweaters right now i wouldnt say no to another

LÚCIO: its freezing here

ZARYA: This is not cold

SYMMETRA: It is a little chilly.

ZARYA: Take my jacket!!

SOMBRA: gabe this is a great sweater

PHARAH: What does it say?  


SOMBRA: HACKERMAN

REAPER: **I'm cold.**

76: well i don't control the damn weather

REAPER: **I give you one shot to be romantic and this is where it gets us.**

TRACER: amé wanna borrow my jacket??

WIDOWMAKER: I don't feel the cold.

TRACER: ...

REAPER: **...**

TRACER: we tried

* * *

76: why do i have to get coal dumped on my bed for faking my death while ana and gabriel don't  
****

D.VA: listen, i don't mean to be rude here

D.VA: but you're kind of an asshole.

76: i am not.

D.VA: ...

ANA: jack...

ANA: listen

ANA: weve been friends for a long time and i trust you

ANA: but you really can be an ass sometimes you know right

ANA: all the time

76: ...

ANA: remember that time in berlin during jesses birthday

76: i wasn't being an asshole then

ANA: you forgot a gift and didnt apologize

REAPER: **Asshole.**

76: i'll admit i was rude but that was one time

ANA: also that time in incheon

ANA: and naples

ANA: and kasese

ANA: and boston

76: ...

MCCREE: and how you took the strike commander position despite the fact reyes was definitely more qualified because the un wanted you to be their poster child

REAPER: **And remember how you accused me of betraying Overwatch and blowing up the Swiss UN?**

76: you mean you didn't do that??

REAPER: **...**

REAPER: Jack.

REAPER: Of course I didn't fucking do that what the hell

76: wait really

REAPER: YES???

ANA: i figured

MCCREE: i mean i figured as well

76: ...

D.VA: yeah there's a reason why one of the first things when i met you was punch you

ANA: you punched jack??

D.VA: yeah he was questioning my skills because i'm young so i punched him in the face

D.VA: but he did bring me apple slices later so apology accepted?

76: ...

REINHARDT: you can practically see the wheels turning in his head

76: oh

76: i'm such an asshole

WIDOWMAKER: And the last horse crosses the finish line. _Bravo, Monsieur_.

TRACER: maybe now scrooge76 will stop being such a wank!!

76: i'm not a scrooge

TRACER: i wouldnt know

TRACER: i dont know anything about christmas stories

TRACER: scrooge is the duck right??

GENJI: Close enough

* * *

SOMBRA: Hey i'm crashing your party talon's celebrations are boring as shit xoxoxo

REAPER: **Talon doesn't have celebrations.**

SOMBRA: Uh YEAH that's why i'm going to overwatch

SOMBRA: Vaswani those are some pretty paper cutouts

SYMMETRA: ...

WINSTON: Please stop hacking into our camera systems.

SOMBRA: You know i'm not going to do that

SOMBRA: Oh wow those ones are incredible

ZARYA: Yes my girlfriend is amazing

SYMMETRA: Zarya!

ZARYA: EVERYONE!!! MY GIRLFRIEND IS EXCEPTIONALLY TALENTED!!!

ZARYA: _[attached img: symmeirya_winter.png]_

LÚCIO: are those matching hats and mittens??

MEI: i knitted them myself!! they're a bit messy but i've gotten a little better /u\

GENJI: FUCK theyre cuter than us how am i supposed to beat this

LÚCIO: babe its not a competition

GENJI: IM ORDERING MATCHING WINTER GEAR LETS GET ONES WITH FROGS ON THEM I LOVE YOU

TRACER: do you want matching outfits?

WIDOWMAKER: If that means I have you match your sorry ensemble every day, I'll pass.

TRACER: hey im plenty fashionable!!

WIDOWMAKER: Crocs.

TRACER: theyre VINTAGE amé

TRACER: _//VINTAGE//_

WIDOWMAKER: I never knew vintage meant ugly.

D.VA: you could all match with my merchandise

TRACER: but your merch is so expensive

D.VA: i know.

* * *

SOMBRA: not to interrupt your feels-good holiday overwatch special

REAPER: **You already did.**

SOMBRA: but are there _supposed_ to be at least two tons of fireworks lined up around your watchpoint?

WINSTON: Two tons of _what._

WINSTON: _JUNKRAT!_

JUNKRAT: WHOOPSIE DAISY

WINSTON: Roadhog, couldn't you have tried to stop him?!

ROADHOG: No.

JUNKRAT: ROADIES ENJOYING MY PRESENT TO HIM!!!

ROADHOG: [Hm.](http://g01.a.alicdn.com/kf/HTB1hWpsIXXXXXbwXFXXq6xXFXXXo/Cute-Sea-Lion-plush-toy-watermelon-pig-elephant-Stuffed-Toys-animals-doll-Car-odor-bamboo-charcoal.jpg)

WINSTON: Do _not_ light those fireworks.

JUNKRAT: IM GONNA LIGHT EM

WINSTON: ...

MERCY: I am not dealing with this.

MERCY: I am spending time with my girlfriend and I am not treating your wounds.

JUNKRAT: FINE BY ME!!

D.VA: DO IT!!! LIGHT THEM UP YOU DIRTY AUSTRALIAN

LÚCIO: oh man.

MERCY: Do not.

JUNKRAT: FIRE IN THE HOLE!!!!!!

**[JUNKRAT] left [GENJI OWES HIS BOYFRIEND A CARTON OF ALMOND MILK].**

**[ROADHOG] left [ **GENJI OWES HIS BOYFRIEND A CARTON OF ALMOND MILK** ].**

**[D.VA] left [ **GENJI OWES HIS BOYFRIEND A CARTON OF ALMOND MILK** ].**

**[WINSTON] left [ **GENJI OWES HIS BOYFRIEND A CARTON OF ALMOND MILK** ].**

**[SOLDIER 76] left [ **GENJI OWES HIS BOYFRIEND A CARTON OF ALMOND MILK** ].**

**[HANZO SHIMADA] left [ **GENJI OWES HIS BOYFRIEND A CARTON OF ALMOND MILK** ].**

**[JESSE MCCREE] left [ **GENJI OWES HIS BOYFRIEND A CARTON OF ALMOND MILK** ].**

**[REAPER] left [ **GENJI OWES HIS BOYFRIEND A CARTON OF ALMOND MILK** ].**

**[REINHARDT] left [ **GENJI OWES HIS BOYFRIEND A CARTON OF ALMOND MILK** ].**

**[BASTION] left [ **GENJI OWES HIS BOYFRIEND A CARTON OF ALMOND MILK** ].**

MERCY: I

MERCY: Am not going to deal with this.

LÚCIO: same

ANA: same

SYMMETRA: Likewise.

PHARAH: Well...

PHARAH: I have been telling you to take a break.

MERCY: A vacation does sound nice.

LÚCIO: ill bring genji

GENJI: I like relaxing

ANA: ill bring my gun

PHARAH: Mom.

ANA: but the most important person in my life will already be there! my daughter

PHARAH: Mom, that's sweet, but please don't interrupt me and my girlfriend...

ANA: (:

ZENYATTA: I will join you.

PHARAH: Vacation it is.

* * *

**[JESSE MCCREE] reentered [HAPPY HOLIDAYS].**

MCCREE: my arm hurts so fucking bad

JUNKRAT: HEY I STILL GOT THE REST OF MY BODY

JUNKRAT: AND I STILL GOT ONE LEG

JUNKRAT: ID SAY THAT WENT BETTER THAN THE LAST TIME I BLEW THIS MUCH SHIT UP

ROADHOG: ...

MCCREE: hanzo please kiss me better

HANZO: I can't move.

MCCREE: fuck

MCCREE: @MERCY hey

MCCREE: @LÚCIO ...hey??

MCCREE: @ZENYATTA ......hey

MCCREE: @ANA maam?

MCCREE: ...

MCCREE: well

MCCREE: shit

D.VA: scroll up

D.VA: they're on vacation

76: i can't see.

REAPER: **You're blind.**

76: i mean my visor is broken again

REAPER: **Hah.**

SOMBRA: you guys are wild

SOMBRA: at least half of this watchpoint is GONE

SOMBRA: i didn't even have to do anything!

JUNKRAT: OVERALL ID SAY THAT WAS A VERY SUCCESSFUL PARTY

TRACER: jamie thats not what the holidays are about

JUNKRAT: THEYRE NOT???

JUNKRAT: THEN WHY DID I BLOW UP ALL THOSE FIREWORKS FOR?

WINSTON: I need a vacation.

SOMBRA: overwatch seems like

SOMBRA: a real  _blast_

MCCREE: leave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey how's everyone doing it's exam week and i'm dead inside.
> 
> would anyone be interested in a compilation of some of my hcs that i put into this fic and stuff i haven't been able to incorporate yet?
> 
> also if i got anything wrong relating to celebration of holidays or anything else then please, PLEASE tell me!! my family's not religious, we mostly celebrate christmas because of Capitalism so my experiences are pretty limited. either tell me in the comments or message me at my tumblr (arcaneadagio)
> 
> umm what else... i'm currently working on two ovw fics right now (one ft. mccree, pharah, and reyes) and one symmeirya fic (that one's gonna be LONG if i ever finish it) so i'll let you know if those ever drop? anyway good luck on exams for fellow students and happy holidays!


	23. tracer has two hands

GENJI: >> No i have completely forgiven Hanzo for what he has done. <<

GENJI: >> We were both young and did not fully understand the burden of the shimada name <<

TRACER: >> you sure?? you held a LOT of grudges in blackwatch <<

GENJI: >> I held a lot of anger and had no way to properly release it <<

TRACER: >> what about that time i ate your ice cream and you didnt speak to me for six months <<

TRACER: >> not sure how you were even planning to eat that in the first place <<

GENJI: >> Okay that was my _last_ carton of rocky road  <<

TRACER: >> nobodyll be mad if youre not at least a LITTLE angry at the guy <<

GENJI: >> _No_ i have completely forgiven my brother  <<

LÚCIO: hey genji hanzos walking around with a bowl of ice cream

LÚCIO: i think its yours

GENJI: Hanzo remember the time that you killed me

GENJI: Because i sure do

TRACER: >> lo <<

GENJI: >> lo <<

**[TRACER] left [GENJI OWES HIS BOYFRIEND A CARTON OF ALMOND MILK].**

**[WIDOWMAKER] reentered [GENJI OWES HIS BOYFRIEND A CARTON OF ALMOND MILK].**

WIDOWMAKER: tracer here!! uh

WINSTON: What did you do to your comm this time?

WIDOWMAKER: i kinda

WIDOWMAKER: dropped it

WINSTON: How.

WIDOWMAKER: well amé was like peter parkering me around and i lost my grip

WIDOWMAKER: she caught me and that was awfully sweet of her but i was hanging upsidedown

WIDOWMAKER: got a right glimpse at my butt though

WIDOWMAKER: bet she liked it ;)

WIDOWMAKER: i winked and she smiled

WINSTON: Lena, I really... don't want to hear this.

WIDOWMAKER: okay okay

WIDOWMAKER: but i was texting genji with one hand and when i fell over it just

WIDOWMAKER: fell onto the ground

WINSTON: ...

WINSTON: Okay, first of all:

WINSTON: What was so important you had to text genji about in the middle of the air

WIDOWMAKER: ice cream

WINSTON: ...

WINSTON: Why was Widowmaker "peter parkering" you around in the first place.

WIDOWMAKER: fun date ideas for your girlfriend

WINSTON: Who suggested that.

WIDOWMAKER: cap

WINSTON: ...Captain Amari...

ANA: i mean if i had a girlfriend who could swoop around id take advantage of that

ANA: i know dr ziegler does with my daughter

MERCY: ANA, PLEASE!

ANA: ;)

WINSTON: Great. Lena, I hate to tell you this, but there's basically no chance you'll ever see that communicator again.

WIDOWMAKER: well thats what they said about me wasnt it lol

REAPER: **Too soon.**

WINSTON: ...

WIDOWMAKER: pshhh its been a while i can make jokes about it

WIDOWMAKER: so can i get a new one??

WINSTON: This is your third communicator, Lena. We're not made of money.

WINSTON: Especially considering this entire thing is illegal.

GENJI: Well i stole a lot of money from the clan

SOMBRA: Hell yeah we did

WINSTON: Who do you even work _for?_

SOMBRA: Whoever i want

WINSTON: ...Thanks for telling me that, Genji.

GENJI: No problem boblem

MCCREE: thats not how the saying goes

GENJI: Its not?

GENJI: Shit

GENJI: I taught it to all of the monks in nepal

GENJI: _@ZENYATTA_ MASTER THE SAYING ISNT "NO PROBLEM BOBLEM"

ZENYATTA: I know.

GENJI: You

GENJI: You did

ZENYATTA: We all did. We did not want to bring it up, because we thought you would get embarrassed.

GENJI: Im

MCCREE: lol

D.VA: how does a cowboy laugh:

D.VA: y'allol

MCCREE: stop that

D.VA: never

**[LENA OXTON] entered [GENJI OWES HIS BOYFRIEND A CARTON OF ALMOND MILK].**

OXTON: HOORAY!!!

OXTON: thanks winston!!

WINSTON: Please don't break this one.

WINSTON: Widowmaker, I'm leaving it up to you.

WIDOWMAKER: Hmph.

**[TRACER] reentered [GENJI OWES HIS BOYFRIEND A CARTON OF ALMOND MILK].**

MCCREE: oh shit

TRACER: Hello, i found this phone on the ground. Where can i give it back?

WINSTON: Lena, you didn’t put a password on your comm?

OXTON: i always forget them!

TRACER: Hang on

TRACER: Is this…

MCCREE: …

HANZO: …

ANA: ...

TRACER: Some kind of overwatch roleplaying group chat?

ANA: yes

WINSTON: No!

76: no

SOMBRA: Yeah.

MCCREE: HAH

D.VA: ㅋㅋㅋ YEAH

TRACER: ?

OXTON: this is our actual communications channel

TRACER: “Genji owes his boyfriend a carton of almond milk”

OXTON: this is our casual group chat that also can be a communications channel sometimes

OXTON: so whats your name??

TRACER: I’m emily

TRACER: She/her

TRACER: Is this your phone?

OXTON: well i got a new one!

OXTON: you can keep that if you want

WINSTON: Lena!

OXTON: we have talon agents _in_ this group chat a civilian cant hurt

WINSTON: …

TRACER: So this really is overwatch?

WINSTON: ...Yes, it is.

TRACER: Well, i wouldn’t feel comfortable having an item like this with me

TRACER: I don’t want to get it into the wrong hands or anything!

OXTON: no problem luv!

OXTON: where are you right now?

OXTON: well send someone over to pop in and grab it!

OXTON: i think theres a coordinate feature you can send?

SOMBRA: There is?

SOMBRA: That’ll be useful

OXTON: oh whoops

WINSTON: Sombra, you can’t get information from it unless the user turns it on.

SOMBRA: Damn

SOMBRA: Well, i’m sure i’ll figure it out

REAPER: **Sombra.**

SOMBRA: What it’s _true_

* * *

OXTON: /whisper [WIDOWMAKER]

OXTON: >> AMÉ SHES HOT <<

WIDOWMAKER: /whisper [LENA OXTON]

WIDOWMAKER: >> What. <<

OXTON: >> EMILY <<

OXTON: >> SHES REALLY ATTRACTIVE <<

OXTON: >> AND SHES NICE <<

OXTON: >> SHE BOUGHT ME COFFEE BEFORE I EVEN SHOWED UP <<

OXTON: >> YOU KNOW HOW I AM AROUND PRETTY GIRLS <<

WIDOWMAKER: >> Yes, I see how you are around me every day. <<

OXTON: _ >> EXACTLY!! _ I CANT SAY TWO WORDS WITHOUT BLUSHING AND MAKING A DAMN FOOL OF MYSELF _ << _

OXTON: >> LOOK COME OVER HERE <<

WIDOWMAKER: >> Are you still picking up your communicator. <<

OXTON: >> yeah were talking <<

OXTON: >> so come over here already!!! <<

* * *

WINSTON: Has anyone seen Widowmaker and Lena?

D.VA: probably making out somewhere or something like that

WINSTON: Lena was supposed to pick up the communicator, but it’s been an hour.

D.VA: probably making out somewhere or something like that

WINSTON: _@LENA OXTON_ It’s been an hour, Lena.

**[LENA OXTON] reentered [GENJI OWES HIS BOYFRIEND A CARTON OF ALMOND MILK].**

**[TRACER] reentered [GENJI OWES HIS BOYFRIEND A CARTON OF ALMOND MILK].**

OXTON: change of plans winston!!

WIDOWMAKER: Emily has decided to keep the communicator.

WINSTON: …

OXTON: /whisper [WINSTON]

OXTON: >> dont mess this up please winston ame and ive got a date with her on tuesday <<

WINSTON: >> Oh my god. <<

WINSTON: >> You’re jeopardizing the security of this channel because you’re gay? <<

OXTON: >> WELL THATS ALWAYS BEEN THE OVERWATCH POLICY HASNT IT <<

WINSTON: >> … <<

OXTON: >> EXACTLY <<

TRACER: So should i… change my username or something?

OXTON: up in settings luv!

**[TRACER] changed name to [EMILY].**

**[LENA OXTON] changed name to [TRACER].**

EMILY: Hello everyone!

D.VA: hey

GENJI: Hi

ANA: hello

LUCIO: hi!

PHARAH: Hello.

MCCREE: howdy

EMILY: Did… you just say “howdy?”

TRACER: its his thing

TRACER: dont think about it too hard

EMILY: …

76: this is a terrible idea

REAPER: **Get over it, Jack.**

76: DON’T SAY MY NAME

EMILY: ...Huh?

MCCREE: none of us can keep a secret to save our lives ok so lets just establish this now

MCCREE: yknow soldier 76?

EMILY: I’ve heard he was a vigilante and works with overwatch now?

EMILY: Or he works with you

MCCREE: good now have you heard of reaper

EMILY: Not really?

MCCREE: he works for talon

SOMBRA: That part’s debatable

MCCREE: but yeah hes like

REAPER: **I’m a mercenary. I take jobs that pay well and that I want to do.**

MCCREE: that

MCCREE: okay so do you know jack morrison

MCCREE: and gabriel reyes

EMILY: Of course i’ve heard of them

MCCREE: yknow how theyre _supposed_ to be dead

EMILY: …

MCCREE: yep

MCCREE: fuckin assholes

76: …

REAPER: **…**

EMILY: What the fuck?

MCCREE: yeah exactly

ANA: jesse you forgot about me

ANA: (:

MCCREE: that smiley face doesnt bode well

MCCREE: i didnt forget about you i swear maam

ANA: (:

MCCREE: i was gonna introduce you separate

ANA: why would you introduce the three of us separately

ANA: we all worked together at the same time

MCCREE: well you joined us again later!

ANA: gabriel technically hasnt joined us at all

MCCREE: well thats bullshit and everyone knows it

ANA: youre not wrong

MCCREE: anyway ana amari isnt dead either

MCCREE: the sniper

EMILY: I’ve heard of you!

EMILY: My aunt had a poster of you in her room

ANA: your aunt had good taste

ANA: in women

MCCREE: MAAM YOURE LIKE SIXTY

ANA: winks

* * *

TRACER: /whisper [D.VA]

TRACER: >> hey do you think these scarves would look nice on amé and emily <<

D.VA: >> no because it’s not my merch <<

D.VA: >> and hang on <<

TRACER: >> what? <<

D.VA: >> amélie <<

D.VA: >> emily <<

TRACER: >> oh my god <<

D.VA: >> do you have a type <<

TRACER: >> yes women <<

D.VA: >> so <<

D.VA: >> that’s gonna be awkward <<

TRACER: >> amé and em? <<

D.VA: >> that sounds the same <<

TRACER: >> fuck <<

TRACER: >> ill figure it out back to scarves <<

D.VA: >> it’s not my merch so it’s bad <<

TRACER: >> im not gonna give my girlfriends my friends _merch << _

D.VA: >> you have shit taste <<

D.VA: >> no wonder you wear crocs <<

TRACER: >> theyre VINTAGE <<

D.VA: >> but if you had to settle for second best <<

D.VA: >> i wouldn’t know <<

D.VA: >> SIKE i don’t know shit about clothing go ask uhhh <<

D.VA: >> genji or hanzo <<

D.VA: >> they probably had to dress well in the magic spirit dragon yakuza <<

TRACER: >> cool thanks <<

D.VA: >> it’s been like a week and you’re already head over heels for the both of them again <<

D.VA: >> useless lesbian <<

TRACER: >> I HAVE TWICE AS MANY GIRLFRIENDS AS YOU <<

D.VA: >> zero times anything is still zero <<

D.VA: >> and you don’t need to rub it in!! <<

* * *

TRACER: /whisper [HANZO SHIMADA]

TRACER: >> hey <<

HANZO: >> No. <<

TRACER: >> i was gonna ask about clothing but you can be a right arse i guess <<

HANZO: >> I am busy. <<

TRACER: >> doing what?? <<

TRACER: >> jesse??<<

HANZO: >> I am busy petting dogs. <<

HANZO: >> With Jesse. <<

TRACER: >> wait there are dogs?? <<

TRACER: >> where???? <<

TRACER: >> no wait i gotta focus <<

TRACER: >> _[attached img: scarves.png]_ <<

TRACER: >> which of these would look could for amé and emily <<

HANZO: >> Amélie and Emily… <<

TRACER: >> yes this has been established ok now which of them <<

HANZO: >> They all look terrible. <<

TRACER: >> WHAT <<

HANZO: >> Yes. <<

TRACER: >> so can you help me find better ones? <<

HANZO: >> No. I am petting dogs. <<

TRACER: >> fffffine <<

* * *

TRACER: /whisper [JESSE MCCREE]

TRACER: >> your boyfriend sucks <<

MCCREE: >> how **dare** you first of all <<

* * *

TRACER: /whisper [GENJI SHIMADA]

TRACER: >> which of these scarves would look better for amé and emily and me <<

TRACER: >> _[attached img: scarves.png]_ <<

GENJI: >> Well they all look terrible <<

TRACER: >> thanks ive heard <<

GENJI: >> Try and getting something yellow <<

GENJI: >> And not like neon yellow <<

GENJI: >> Like your leggings <<

TRACER: >> my leggings are neon yellow <<

GENJI: >> Fine just get a normal yellow color not like any of your articles of clothing <<

TRACER: >> got it!! <<

* * *

TRACER: >> ALL OF THE STORES ARE CLOSED <<

GENJI: >> Then wait for tomorrow <<

TRACER: >> but my DATE is tomorrow <<

GENJI: >> Tough nuts <<

TRACER: >> i see a PERFECT scarf RIGHT THERE <<

TRACER: >> im gonna break in and leave money behind <<

GENJI: >> Dont do that <<

TRACER: >> ITS RIGHT THERE <<

SOMBRA: >> this is just sad <<

TRACER: >> sombra?? whatre you doing <<

SOMBRA: >> i thought you said nobody likes a thief <<

TRACER: >> im paying!! ill leave cash on the counter <<

SOMBRA: >> what a dumbass bye <<

TRACER: >> did you just come in here to call me a dumbass??? <<

SOMBRA: >> uh yeah <<

TRACER: >> dammit <<

* * *

SOMBRA: /whisper [WIDOWMAKER] [EMILY]

SOMBRA: >> man your girlfriend is dumb <<

WIDOWMAKER: >> I know. <<

WIDOWMAKER: >> This is about the scarf isn’t it. <<

SOMBRA: >> yep <<

EMILY: >> ...Sorry, who are you? <<

SOMBRA: >> your friendly neighborhood hackerman <<

WIDOWMAKER: >> You are not friendly. <<

SOMBRA: >> your unfriendly neighborhood hackerman <<

EMILY: >> Okay?? <<

EMILY: >> Also yeah we can both tell lena is trying to get us scarves <<

EMILY: >> It’s sweet!! She’s not graceful or smooth at all <<

EMILY: >> She’s like the opposite of you, Am. <<

WIDOWMAKER: >> Oui. <<

* * *

TRACER: >> I GOT IT <<

TRACER: >> i snuck into the vents they were open for some reason <<

GENJI: >> Why <<

TRACER: >> I NEED THESE SCARVES <<

* * *

WIDOWMAKER: >> I opened the vent in the back while she was in the front of the store. <<

SOMBRA: >> jajajaja <<

EMILY: >> It’s still sweet she cares about us so much <<

WIDOWMAKER: >> I suppose. <<

* * *

TRACER: /whisper [GENJI SHIMADA] [HANZO SHIMADA] [JESSE MCCREE] [D.VA]

TRACER: >> THEY LIKED THEM!! <<

D.VA: >> not bad for a time travelling lesbian <<

MCCREE: >> quiet im sneaking a dog in <<

HANZO: >> His name is Pecan. <<

TRACER: >> your dates suck <<

MCCREE: >> dont sass us <<

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://archiveofourown.org/works/9242081/chapters/20958101
> 
> also if you like yuri on ice and chatfics. i am 1/9th responsible for this. we got a bunch of people to have a Live Fic Writing (which is basically glorified rp) and published it


	24. genji shimada and the snipers' super (shitty) stakeout

GENJI: Im bored

WINSTON: You're supposed to be on lookout, you know.

GENJI: Yes but im bored

WIDOWMAKER: I don't understand why you didn't let me keep an eye on that gauntlet.

WIDOWMAKER: I have technology that can see through walls.

WINSTON: ...

TRACER: amé.

EMILY: Huh?  


TRACER: its a long story but

TRACER: did you ever read any news about people trying to break into the ow museum?

EMILY: Oh i did actually

EMILY: ...Wait that was amélie?

WIDOWMAKER: Who cares.

EMILY: ...

TRACER: ...

D.VA: also having two snipers and two dps is already bad comp, even if one of the snipers is a healer

LÚCIO: having snipers and a ninja is important for a stealth mission

LÚCIO: its not like a video game or anything

D.VA: i guess

GENJI: This mission sucks

GENJI: Besides hanzo and ana are great at watching

GENJI: ... _Over_ -watching

**[HANZO SHIMADA] reentered [THIS IS A COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL NOT A SHOPPING LIST].**

HANZO: No.

**[HANZO SHIMADA] left [THIS IS A COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL NOT A SHOPPING LIST].**

GENJI: Jesus its like he has some kind of

GENJI: Sensor

GENJI: Master do you think my brother has a sensor to tell when im saying something dumb

ZENYATTA: I wouldn't call it that.

GENJI: What

GENJI: Wait have you actually talked to him

ZENYATTA: On occasion.

GENJI: You two have been hanging out without me?!

ZENYATTA: Yes.

GENJI: All of my friends are abandoning me for my brother... jesse, master...

GENJI: ...

D.VA: haha no friend genji

**[HANZO SHIMADA] reentered [THIS IS A COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL NOT A SHOPPING LIST].**

HANZO: No frienji.

**[HANZO SHIMADA] left [THIS IS A COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL NOT A SHOPPING LIST].**

GENJI: HOW THE FUCK

D.VA: finally some good content in this channel

ZENYATTA: It's a finely developed skill by older siblings, to tell when younger siblings are being dumb.

GENJI: God i wish i could do that

GENJI: But then again hanzos always dumb so who needs a sensor for that

WINSTON: You're supposed to be on lookout duty, anyway.

76: why are we tracking the doomfist gauntlet again

PHARAH: Weren't you at the meeting?

76: ...i guess

PHARAH: You weren't paying attention, were you.

76: no.

ANA: wow hypocrite

ANA: even i pay attention during those things

76: no you don't

76: one time you spent half of the briefing making finger guns at everyone else

ANA: i pay attention during the important parts

MCCREE: arent you the one always griping on about how we should "be serious" an all

76: well

D.VA: this is why you aren't the strike commander anymore

76: ...

76: i guess.

76: but why are we keeping track of this thing

SYMMETRA: Recently, there have been signs of someone trying to steal it.

SOMBRA: Were trying to steal the gauntlet? 

REAPER: **No we aren't.**

PHARAH: Stop that.

SOMBRA: stop what?? hacking?

SOMBRA: thats my _job_

PHARAH: No, not that.

PHARAH: You switched your typing style.

SOMBRA: so?

PHARAH: That's not allowed.

D.VA: yeah, i was gonna say

TRACER: its pretty weird

SOMBRA: nobody types the same way every single time

MCCREE: ...?????

SOMBRA: youre telling me **none** of you ever change how you type on a day to day basis

ANA: of course not

REAPER: **Why would we do that.**

SOMBRA: what the hell

GENJI: If youre going to hack our channel at least keep a consistent typing style

SOMBRA: what the fuck

REINHARDT: its in the rules

SOMBRA: What rules????

PHARAH: See, you did it again.

PHARAH: Find a typing style and stick to it.

SOMBRA: i'm not gonna do that

REAPER: **Yes you are.**

SOMBRA: are you actually fucking with me right now

SOMBRA: does EVERYONE seriously do this??

WIDOWMAKER: _Oui._

MERCY: I do.

LÚCIO: i mean

LÚCIO: yeah

SYMMETRA: Yes.

MEI: yep

ZARYA: Yes

JUNKRAT: YEAH

SOMBRA: what the fuck

REAPER: **But we're not trying to steal the gauntlet.**

REAPER: **For now.**

SOMBRA: yeah i've hacked into all their databases and there arent any plans about doomfist

SYMMETRA: ...Okay, but someone is trying to steal it. We think.

GENJI: Still this is boring as all hell

GENJI: Can we talk about something else

WINSTON: You're on a mission.

GENJI: Im a cyborg

GENJI: I can say and/or think what i want to type and still have my hands free

D.VA: then why don't you have proper punctuation and capitalization

GENJI: Aesthetic

MCCREE: aesthetic is important

76: you dress like a cowboy

MCCREE: and you dress like a combination of a 30 somethings self insert wet dream of being a vigilante and like every generic shooter had sex and crapped out the ugliest baby known to mankind

MCCREE: so shut up

ANA: hahahahah holy shit

LÚCIO: thats oddly specific

LÚCIO: but its true

D.VA: cowboy v. generic super soldier

D.VA: FIGHT

76: i need this visor to _see_

REAPER: **But somehow you can't see through your own bullshit.**

MCCREE: holy shit

SOMBRA: Good one

GENJI: While were on the topic of making fun of morrison

76: we're not

76: you're on a mission

WINSTON: I'll allow it.

76: seriously?!

WINSTON: yes.

GENJI: I think one of my top ten overwatch memories is the first time hana and morrison met

MCCREE: oh that was great

TRACER: top notch comedy there!!

EMILY: What happened?

ANA: what happened

PHARAH: Maybe if you weren't pretending to be dead you'd have seen it.

ANA: fareeha...

PHARAH: >:/

ANA: ):

ANA: at least tell it for emily

TRACER: i will!!!

TRACER: so like first mission where the two have to work together jacks kind of being a tosser

MCCREE: a what

EMILY: A douche

MCCREE: ohhh

REAPER: **What else is new.**

76: hey

REAPER: **Am I wrong.**

76: ...no.

TRACER: and hanas having NONE of it!!

D.VA: of course i wouldn't take shit like that

TRACER: because hes making all these remarks "we shouldnt have let this kid onto a battlefield" and hanas getting rightly pissed about it

TRACER: and so RIGHT AFTER the mission is done she turns around, all smiles and sunshine

TRACER: jacks making his normal face

TRACER: yknow

MCCREE: you mean this one

MCCREE: ||(

TRACER: exactly

TRACER: and then

TRACER: she decks him

ANA: no...

D.VA: yep!

ANA: oh i wished i had done something like that

ANA: jack definitely deserved that

76: ...

76: okay, yeah.

D.VA: hahahahahah

D.VA: you're kind of a hardass

GENJI: Anyway id been waiting for that for like 

GENJI: A decade so top ten moments

ANA: oh i wish idve been there

D.VA: what's number one?

GENJI: DEFINITELY the third annual blackwatch pie eating contest

D.VA: what happened???

MCCREE: we dont speak of that day

GENJI: Yes we do

MCCREE: sweetpie your brothers bullying me

HANZO: Genji, do you remember the time in the Hanamura arcade after Seijin no Hi.

GENJI: You wouldnt fucking dare

HANZO: Would I.

GENJI: ...Asshole.

MERCY: There are several days in Overwatch history we tend not to talk about.

MERCY: It's quite the list.

GENJI: Athena could you bring it up

**[Of course.]**

**[OVERWATCH "CURSED DAY" LIST].**

The Macaroni Incident

When McCree Jumped Out a Window

Genji and McCree Dorado Mission

The Third Annual Blackwatch Pie-Eating Contest

The Twelfth Annual Overwatch Summer Games

MG-12

The Chocolate Incident

Larry From Accounting's Birthday

LÚCIO: whos larry?

REAPER: **Better to not ask those kinds of questions.**

D.VA: what the fuck

LÚCIO: overwatch is wild

EMILY: What's the worst that could happen at a pie eating contest?

REAPER: **You don't want to know.**

MCCREE: trust us

**[HANZO SHIMADA] left [THIS IS A COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL NOT A SHOPPING LIST].**

**[ANA AMARI] left [THIS IS A COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL NOT A SHOPPING LIST].**

GENJI: Oh thats not good

**[GENJI SHIMADA] left [THIS IS A COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL NOT A SHOPPING LIST].**

WINSTON: ...Shit.

EMILY: I don't think you're protecting that gauntlet any time soon...

**[?0ONF//7] re?entered [THIS IS A COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL NOT A SHOPPING LIST].**

?0ONF//7: GUESS WHO

REINHARDT: its you!

?0ONF//7: ITS ME!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god i hope that i released this chapter at a good time
> 
> also if doomfist isn't voiced by terry crews this is gonna be really awkward


	25. efi oladele, literal ray of human sunshine and light of my life

\O\\\FIS/: IT’S ME

SOMBRA: Hey what's good doomfist

SOMBRA: Now get out

REINHARDT: WAIT HOLD ON

**[D0O\F\/T] banned from [THIS IS A COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL NOT A SHOPPING LIST].**

REINHARDT: why did you do that

SOMBRA: It's not his time yet

SOMBRA: I'm sure he'll show up again eventually

TRACER: why are you like this

* * *

SOMBRA: so how's numbani dos santos

TRACER: stop stealing our mission logs!!!

SOMBRA: what else am i supposed to do

SOMBRA: i’m a hacker

SOMBRA: it’s **literally** my job

MCCREE: not be a hacker

SOMBRA: i'll stop being a hacker when you stop dressing like a cowboy

MCCREE: ok looks like well have to let her keep being a hacker

TRACER: :/

TRACER: well

TRACER: hows numbani?

TRACER: ...lúcio?

D.VA: HEY LÚCIO!!!!

D.VA: ...

D.VA: frogs

D.VA: people in need

D.VA: cute green things

D.VA: frogs in need

D.VA: cute green frogs in need

D.VA: beyoncé dropped a new album

EMILY: Isn't beyoncé retired?

REAPER: **Clearly you don’t know anything about Beyoncé.**

D.VA: genji get your beef in here

GENJI: Did you just type "beef"

D.VA: boyfriend is too long

GENJI: Bf

D.VA: if you say it out loud it's pronounced beef

D.VA: he's your beef

GENJI: Neither of us are that muscular

D.VA: twinks ㅋ

SYMMETRA: He's offline.

GENJI: Oh

SYMMETRA: You can check these things, you know.

D.VA: wait really

SYMMETRA: It's... in the sidebar.

D.VA: there's a sidebar???

SYMMETRA: Yes?

D.VA: i don't know this chat doesn't have the best format

SYMMETRA: Well all of the options are right there, it is a fairly well designed communications channel.

D.VA: it just looks like a bunch of text to me

D.VA: there aren't any sidebars or contact lists

D.VA: just black text on a white background

SYMMETRA: Maybe you should tweak your settings.

D.VA: yeah once i find the settings

D.VA: wait so lúcio's offline that doesn't seem good if he's on a mission

SYMMETRA: ...

SOMBRA: just ask zarya and dr zhou

SOMBRA: you sent them with him

TRACER: _STOP HACKING THE CHANNEL_

EMILY: Lena, please

**[MEI-LING ZHOU] reentered [THIS IS A COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL NOT A SHOPPING LIST].**

MEI: sorry for not responding sooner!! lúcio is fine! :)

MEI: he met some fans!

D.VA: lemme guess he stopped immediately and offered to sign anything

MEI: yep!

GENJI: I love him

TRACER: hana you dont greet your fans?

D.VA: of course i greet my fans!

D.VA: just not the ones who flirt with me

D.VA: i'm out their league

TRACER: fair

MEI: he's talking with efi oladele! you know, the robotics genius

TRACER: OH!!! oh gosh she just won the adawe foundation prize right??

ZARYA: That is not all

ZARYA: _attached img: [Orisa.png]_

D.VA: WOAH

GENJI: Wait arent those the or15 robots that didnt do anything in numbani

HANZO: Neither did you.

GENJI: Okay you know what

SYMMETRA: They appear to be modified versions.

SYMMETRA: According to recent news, Efi Oladele took one of the discontinued OR-15 bots and upgraded her coding to allow for personality and to protect Numbani.

BASTION: dweet doo doo doo dweet!! ヽ(＊>∇<)ﾉ

**[LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS] reentered [THIS IS A COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL NOT A SHOPPING LIST].**

D.VA: hey you're back!

LÚCIO: okay guys im back and i met efi oladele!!

LÚCIO: and shes my fan who wouldve guessed that

GENJI: I thought that was pretty obvious

GENJI: I mean she eats more lúcio-ohs than you do

LÚCIO: because i dont eat them

GENJI: So howd you run into her

LÚCIO: well i was doing the patrol thing for doomfist and

LÚCIO: orisa kind of broke two cars to help an old woman cross the street? which was hard not to notice

LÚCIO: so efi is panicking because of orisa and i skate over and ask about the problem

TRACER: arent you supposed to be undercover???

LÚCIO: no

LÚCIO: why would you send a celebrity to go undercover

LÚCIO: i literally have posters of my face from my tour _on the street_

TRACER: i think i misread the briefing

LÚCIO: so anyway

LÚCIO: i couldnt just leave her there to freak out alone

GENJI: Everyone i love my boyfriend look at how nice he is

LÚCIO: aw youre embarrassing me

LÚCIO: but i stopped by and she recognized me! actually orisa recognized me first but we smoothed things over with the police

MERCY: Shouldn't he have been arrested? I mean, Overwatch _is_ still illegal.

GENJI: Numbanis cool

MERCY: Really?

PHARAH: Yes, they'll allow Overwatch operations as long as they don't interfere.

MERCY: Huh.

LÚCIO: but the first thing orisa did when she saw me was uh

LÚCIO: points at me and yell

LÚCIO: "LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS!"

LÚCIO: and storms up to me

LÚCIO: "YOU........."

LÚCIO: "ARE SOMEONE EFI ADMIRES GREATLY! I AM SURE SHE WOULD LIKE IT IF YOU COULD SIGN ONE OF HER MANY POSTERS OR TOOLS SHE USES! SHE PLAYS YOUR MUSIC ALL THE TIME! I ENJOY IT AS WELL AND HAVE ASKED HER TO INSTALL A MUSIC PLAYER SOON SO I CAN PLAY YOUR SONGS!"

LÚCIO: it was great!

LÚCIO: oh hang on efis asking me who im texting

ANA: dont give her the channel we learned from fareeha

PHARAH: Mom, I knew what a swear was.

ANA: well efis not my daughter i dont know how ok her parents are with fuck

LÚCIO: i was gonna give one to orisa

D.VA: orisa's one month old!

LÚCIO: she has a big gun

D.VA: any baby can have a gun if you try hard enough 

HANZO: W.

GENJI: Just a single "w"

GENJI: I dont know what i expected but im disappointed anyway

LÚCIO: okay giving the comm over

LÚCIO: wait

MEI: i don't think you thought this through very well

LÚCIO: can i just...

SYMMETRA: There should be a port somewhere?

LÚCIO: cool okay

LÚCIO: hello Overwatch I am Orisa.

SYMMETRA: Hello.

LÚCIO: I hope I am not breaking any of your rules by being here.

ANA: dont worry the rules dont even matter we got talon in here

LÚCIO: what

REAPER: **Nothing.**

WINSTON: I don't even care anymore.

LÚCIO: I am sure that Efi could replicate one of these communicators so that I can communicate with you in the future.

TRACER: psshfh no worries weve got a lot of communicators

TRACER: ive lost two in the last year!

PHARAH: You mean they were stolen by your girlfriends?

TRACER: who even needs dating sites when you can just throw phones on the ground

WINSTON: No, don't do that.

GENJI: I have money for a new communicators

SOMBRA: damn how much did i steal?

GENJI: You set up a thing that leaks the money out of the shimada gumi gradually

SOMBRA: I dont even remember doing that

TRACER: lovely to meet you orisa!! and tell hello to ms oladele as well!

WINSTON: It is always good to see young minds interested in science.

MEI: yeah!!

LÚCIO: Efi says she is very thankful to see Overwatch support her

LÚCIO: I wonder if it would be alright if I could change my screen name?

TRACER: go ahead!

**[LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS] changed name to [ORISA].**

ORISA: thank you

REAPER: **Jesse.**

MCCREE: HOW ARE YOU DOING THAT WERE NOT EVEN IN THE SAME BUILDING

ORISA: what is the problem?

MCCREE: ...

REAPER: **_Jesse._ **

MCCREE: H

MCCREE: HORSE

ORISA: pardon me?

HANZO: ...He is saying you resemble a horse because you have four legs.

ORISA: actually, I use the front two as arms sometimes.

ORISA: for assistance.

ORISA: and hugging, as efi has just informed me.

ZENYATTA: How wonderful.

D.VA: do you think you could use your transcendence arms to hug more people

ZENYATTA: I already do.

D.VA: NICE

BASTION: (/o＼*) bweet doo.....

ORISA: Efi wishes to inform me that she is curious about several of these usernames.

D.VA: wait so you can actually check who's online?

D.VA: it's still just a bunch of text on a white background to me!

SYMMETRA: Have you tried settings?

D.VA: there are no settings

TRACER: you used them when you change your username

D.VA: they vanished!

TRACER: just tap the right side of the screen then?

D.VA: OH MY GOD THERE THEY ARE

D.VA: i'm customizing everything i hate the default interface

WINSTON: Hey, I worked hard on that!

D.VA: it's very boring

D.VA: like 76

MCCREE: youre lucky he hasnt found his visor yet

D.VA: psshh i'd say it to his face

* * *

**[SOLDIER: 76] reentered [THIS IS A COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL NOT A SHOPPING LIST].**

76: i found my visor

MEI: where was it?

76: i have no idea

76: it takes about a minute for it to boot up

76: i was wandering around the base until it turned on

D.VA: oh no wonder i heard someone smack into the room below

* * *

TRACER: hey orisa!!

TRACER: howd you like to join overwatch?

76: you can't invite people in just like that”

TRACER: your recruitment process was him literally showing up at the door and grunting at us and shooting targets for like ten minutes

76: i was a former member though

ANA: yeah i broke into the base and stole lenas tea

ANA: your tea still sucks by the way

TRACER: ITS ENGLISH GREY

ANA: it certainly tastes like english weather

ORISA: hm.

ORISA: Efi wishes to say something.

**[ORISA] changed name to [EFI OLADELE].**

EFI: hi everyone!!!! thank you so much but

EFI: i think orisa and i will stay in numbani

EFI: we're still getting used to this hero thing after all!

EFI: but we appreciate the offer and if you need anything in numbani i can help!

EFI: also i have a question

MCCREE: yeah?

EFI: why are there enemies in your private channel?

TRACER: amés not an enemy reapers always had a comm since when he was in overwatch and sombra hacked in

EFI: wait what??

REAPER: **Can you keep a secret for even two seconds.**

TRACER: not my fault your covers so easily blown

EFI: huh?

REAPER: **Do you know Gabriel Reyes.**

EFI: yeah?

REAPER: **That's me.**

EFI: WHAT

REAPER: **Yeah, well, I died.**

SOMBRA: but hes fine now

WIDOWMAKER: Not really.

REAPER: **Yeah, not at all.**

REAPER: **And if we're spilling identities.**

REAPER: **Ana is _the_ Ana Amari, who supposedly die but didn't.**

ANA: whats up

REAPER: **And "Soldier:** **76" is Jack Morrison.**

EFI: who?

76: what

ANA: HAH

TRACER: LOL

EFI: just kidding! i know who jack morrison is

MCCREE: hes the worst

EFI: yeah he always seemed kind of fake in the history textbooks

76: thank the un for that one

REAPER: **It wasn't just the UN, you know.**

WIDOWMAKER: _Bande de gamins, arrêtez de vous battre._

76: i don't speak french how do you expect me to understand this

SOMBRA: knock it off lovebird losers

EFI: hahah wait so how are you alive

ANA: old soldiers are hard to kill

WIDOWMAKER: Science went too far.

SOMBRA: WHAT did you just make a joke??

SOMBRA: oh widow you've changed so much since you left talon

SOMBRA: i'm so proud

76: i managed to escape most of the blast

76: i don't have functioning eyes anymore

REAPER: **Oh, that must be really tough, Jack.**

EFI: hahah.... what?

* * *

TRACER: so about the overwatch offer  

EFI: so i don't think i'll be living at your watchpoints or anything but i'll help out where i can!

EFI: orisa wants to say something!

**[EFI OLADELE] changed name to [ORISA].**

ORISA: I appreciate your gift and will make sure the chat is safe for work for Efi.

ORISA: Efi appears to be displeased by this.

ORISA: they say swears in here Efi.

ORISA: oh she is pulling the communicator away from me.

ORISA: no i can handle it!!! you can say fuck

ORISA: Efi where did you learn that language your parents will not be pleased.

ORISA: THEY ONLY CARE IF I SWEAR IN YORUBA ORISA IS LYING!!!

D.VA: pshhhhh i'm sure you can handle some swears and jesse being dumb sometimes

D.VA: /whisper [EVERYONE] - [ORISA].

D.VA: >> okay i trust all of you not to do this anyway but no sex talk anymore get your own channel or something <<

MCCREE: >> who do you think we are <<

TRACER: this might be confusing maybe we shouldve given them two comms

ORISA: no this is better.

ORISA: I am certain Efi can figure out a way for the communicator to identify who is texting

ORISA: she built me, after all!

* * *

REINHARDT: we really should do something about doomfist

SYMMETRA: I mean. I am researching him.

SYMMETRA: Which would have been easier if someone had not blocked him from the channel.

SYMMETRA: Permanently, somehow.

SOMBRA: jajajajaja

SOMBRA: its not permanent he'll be here eventually

SYMMETRA: You are not even an administrator?

SOMBRA: Hacker

SOMBRA: I am a hacker.

MCCREE: wait satya youre an admin

SYMMETRA: Yes.

MCCREE: **cmon** ive been here for years and **i** never got to be an admin

SYMMETRA: The current administrators are Winston, me, and Mr. Reyes.

MCCREE: REYES AINT EVEN A PART OF OVERWATCH ANYMORE

76: why does he get to be an admin and i'm not

REAPER: **Remember the last time you were put in charge of something.**

76: ...

76: oh

76: right

ANA: jack i wouldnt trust you with a wet paper napkin

76: maybe that’s a little harsh

ANA: mhm.

ANA: is that so.

76: i can be a good leader if i try

REAPER: **You literally can’t even take care of your visor.**

76: i _found_ it

LÚCIO: to be fair i leave my prosthetics around all the time

D.VA: prosthetics and visual aids are different though

LÚCIO: a little

TRACER: please dont leave your prosthetics lying around again

LÚCIO: what why

LÚCIO: i can get around

TRACER: no like a week ago i saw you just crawling to the kitchen in the middle of the night i nearly had a heart attack

EMILY: Lena

LÚCIO: ohhhh that

TRACER: I DID

MERCY: Why were you up so late.

EMILY: She wanted a midnight snack

WIDOWMAKER: She wanted a "midnight snack."

LÚCIO: well i want midnight snacks too and im not gonna reattach my limbs for like ten minutes it takes time

LÚCIO: plus i couldnt find my wheelchair

LÚCIO: still havent found it

REAPER: **I know where your wheelchair is.**

LÚCIO: really???

REAPER: **I accidentally rematerialized into it when I was sneaking into your base.**

76: STOP SNEAKING INTO THE BASE

REAPER: **No.**

REAPER: **It’s at the bottom of the basement stairs.**

REAPER:  **Also I accidentally put my leg through it so you will have to repair it.**

LÚCIO: OHHH now i remember

SYMMETRA: How did your wheelchair get to the bottom of the stairs.

LÚCIO: i was racing with bastion down the stairs

SYMMETRA: Why.

LÚCIO: why not

LÚCIO: they won btw

BASTION: dweet doo! (•́⌄•́๑)૭✧

TRACER: wait reyes howd you get in here????? all the doors are locked?

REAPER: **Window was open.**

TRACER: oh yeahhh the vape thing

REAPER: **It’s not**

REAPER: **...Never mind.**

SOMBRA: hahahah vape man

ORISA: Efi states that she could “probably add rockets to your wheelchair to help you win”

LÚCIO: please

* * *

  **[REINHARDT] reentered [THIS IS A COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL NOT A SHOPPING LIST].**

REINHARDT: I HAVE FOUND SOMETHING **_INCREDIBLE_**

WINSTON: Is it Doomfist?

REINHARDT: EVEN BETTER

REINHARDT: THE OLD CHARACTER SHEETS FROM THE DND CAMPAIGN THAT GABRIEL DMED

REAPER: **Oh.**

MCCREE: wait really

ANA: snart came home

PHARAH: What?

ANA: youll understand when you’re older

TRACER: SONIC!!!!!!!!!!

REAPER: **We never called them Sonic, Lena.**

REINHARDT: we should try it again something!

REAPER: **Absolutely not.**

WIDOWMAKER: That sounds awful.

SYMMETRA: No.

SOMBRA: you played dnd???? gabe you never told me

REAPER:  **Why would I.**

SOMBRA: :,(

SOMBRA: so i bet that dnd campaign went great

REINHARDT: oh it was incredible

MCCREE: yeah we had pineapples

D.VA: what the fuck

MCCREE: its

MCCREE: a really long story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly my headcanon for doomfist is this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YXw3lbqjwk and there’s nothing in canon that can disprove me at the moment
> 
> next chapter..... you can probably guess what it'll be about
> 
>  
> 
> EDIT: so i got an ask telling me that i portray mccree as the butt of the joke a lot, and that is a harmful stereotype because it portrays latino men as the idiot of a group. i'm so sorry for writing this way and i'll do my best to fix it in the future. i've made a couple edits in this chapter but if you notice anything else i'll fix it. also this is a really common issue in a lot of ovw fanwork so if you're making something with mccree you should probably keep it in mind!


	26. overwatch channel archives dated 20?? (or: critical shits)

REYES: Dnd night is this thursday

MCCREE: nice

MCCREE: ive never played

ANA: ill play

TRACER: ill try my hand at it!

MCCREE: _@GENJI_ you wanna play

GENJI: No

MCCREE: one of these youll have to join one of our activities

MCCREE: you missed movie night

MCCREE: reyes cried at the end of toy story 3

REYES: We all cried, Jesse

MCCREE: how about it

GENJI: Fine

REYES: Everyone better have character sheets by tomorrow otherwise i **will** make you run extra laps

MCCREE: COMMANDER

REYES: Character sheets

* * *

MCCREE: this is my character theyre a human wizard

REYES: Didn’t expect you to play a wizard of all classes

MCCREE: well apparently we cant have guns so he has a gun shaped wand

GENJI: Why not just use a regular weapon

MCCREE: i want a gun

MCCREE: anyway theyre chaotic good and they roam around the world after working for an evil warlord and taking him down from the inside

REYES: What's their name

MCCREE: his name is

MCCREE: matt

GENJI: Matt

MCCREE: listen i got ten seconds

ANA: stands up in court

REYES: Shimada?

GENJI: Im playing a true neutral dragonborn assassin named mizuta lyn

REYES: Did any of you make characters that werent blatant self inserts

TRACER: my characters not a self insert!

TRACER: their name is.........

REYES: Your character cannot be named sonic

TRACER: ok one second

TRACER: their name is lucie theobold!!

TRACER: theyre a monk from the town of byrnbrand, a former town near the edges of the anaurouch desert

TRACER: their town was destroyed by a rampaging warlord who was delusioned by the idea that she could return the netheril empire to its former glory

TRACER: they fought against her, but their town was destroyed and they now wander the world in pursuit of justice and to make sure nothing like that would ever happen again

TRACER: also theyre wearing sonic the hedgehog shoes

REYES: Still a self insert

MCCREE: hey

GENJI: My character is not a self insert

GENJI: You did not let me finish my backstory

REYES: Okay

GENJI: Mizuta fucked the daughter of one of the lords of waterdeep and discovered the lords secret identity in the process and is now on the run because of that and because she broke the daughters heart

REYES: Holy shit

TRACER: i love it

REYES: Ana?

ANA: im playing a paladin named snart dickbutt

REYES: Oh my god

GENJI: Dont

ANA: im playing a paladin named snart dickbutt or im not playing at all im your only tank

REYES: Well Reinhardt's playing

REINHARDT: im playing a cleric

REINHARDT: our backstories are deeply intertwined if ana cannot play then im afraid i will also have to step out

GENJI: Play snart dickbutt then

REINHARDT: EXCELLENT!

REINHARDT: i will be playing alfons

REYES: Does he have a last name

REINHARDT: ………strongboy

REYES: Why the hell not

REINHARDT: alfons strongboy is a cleric and the closest adventuring partner of the great paladin snart

ANA: we have traveled across faerun as the worlds most famous adventuring pair since we left our little hometown together

REYES: You dont have a gun do you

ANA: no i have a big shield and a cool sword

REYES: ana and rein where are your characters from

ANA: oh shit we didnt name it

ANA: um

TRACER: hammer town

ANA: yes

ANA: hammer...town!

REINHARDT: HAH

GENJI: This was a mistake

**[JACK MORRISON] reentered [OVERFUCK COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].**

TRACER: here comes the fun police

MORRISON: what?

TRACER: hahahahah

MORRISON: so what's going on here?

ANA: we got dnd night approved

MORRISON: what

MORRISON: ...did i approve that?

TRACER: who cares!

MORRISON: wait why are you playing dnd through the emergency channel

ANA: because im in numbani right now jack

TRACER: yeah im in dorado atm

TRACER: and this isnt really an  _emergency channel_ i thought weve moved past trying to make it that

MORRISON: but

MORRISON: can't you have like

MORRISON: a call?

REYES: ...

TRACER: ...

MCCREE: ...

GENJI: Oh right

GENJI: Those

ANA: wait hang on theres a text to speech function

[♩] ANA: Hey.

[♩] ANA: Ew, proper capitalization.

[♩] ANA: Athena, could you help turn that off?

**[If you're really so disgusted by proper punctuation and capitalization, sure.]**

[♩] ANA: nice

**[Presumably all of you want to retain your typing styles using the speech-to-text function, correct?]**

[♩] REYES: Sure

[♩] MCCREE: so are we doing this oh wow it really does work

MORRISON: can you guys also make a separate channel for this?

[♩] ANA: fine fine

**[ANA AMARI] created sub-channel [CRITICAL SHITS].**

**[ANA AMARI] added [WILHELM REINHARDT] ,[GABRIEL REYES], [TRACER], [JESSE MCCREE], and [GENJI SHIMADA].**

[♩] TRACER: good name

[♩] ANA: i know

[♩] TRACER: alright lets do this!!

[♩] ANA: tie up your fantasy bootstraps guys gabes gonna blow us away with the beautiful word picture hell paint for us

[♩] GENJI: Hm

[♩] REYES: I'll have you know i'm a great dm

[♩] ANA: what were you the head of the dnd club in los angeles

[♩] REYES: So what if i was?!

[♩] ANA: hahah oh wow

[♩] ANA: so where are we

[♩] REYES: The... five of you are in a tavern in the small town of corvin roost nearby arrabar and you've been offered a job by a elf woman who calls herself "the voyant"

[♩] ANA: thats not suspicious

[♩] TRACER: i roll to seduce the elf woman

[♩] REYES: Okay

[♩] TRACER: ...

[♩] TRACER: i rolled a 1

[♩] TRACER: this is homophobia

[♩] REYES: The woman is decidedly unimpressed by lucies flirting and decides to ignore her for the entire meal

[♩] ANA: whats the food like

[♩] REYES: Pretty shitty, actually

[♩] REYES: And it’s kind of expensive

[♩] ANA: damn

[♩] REINHARDT: i have to elaborate that alfons is the life of the party

[♩] REINHARDT: he is the greatest thing that has ever happened to this tavern

[♩] REINHARDT: the party stat that i have just added to this game

[♩] REINHARDT: he has 1999 party points

[♩] REYES: ...Why only 1999. What happened to the 2000th point

[♩] REINHARDT: its an important part of strongboys character arc and motivations

[♩] REINHARDT: hes looking for that 2000th party point

[♩] TRACER: im also partying in the corner

[♩] TRACER: and lucies a real partyer theyve had a lot of experience having a knees up

[♩] MCCREE: just use english please

[♩] REYES: Aren’t you playing a monk?

[♩] TRACER: party monk

[♩] REYES: While alfons and lucie arent being useful party members-

[♩] TRACER: hey!

[♩] REYES: The voyant tells the rest of you about rumors of a horrible beast being summoned in the storm horns mountains, just in case you were doubting that this was dnd and they don’t have stupid names for everything

[♩] REYES: She’s gathered you here in this garbage tavern for-

[♩] MCCREE: whats the name of the tavern

[♩] REYES: ...The moldy root

[♩] ANA: did you google a tavern name generator

[♩] REYES: Maybe

[♩] REYES: She gathered you here today to offer you a quest

[♩] TRACER: i take the quest

[♩] REYES: Aren’t you partying in the corner with alfons?

[♩] ANA: snart starts juggling her swords because she doesnt care about this quest at all

[♩] REYES: Roll performance

[♩] ANA: NAT 20 HAH

[♩] REYES: What

[♩] REYES: ...Okay, you get... 100 gold from the collective patrons of the bar because your sword juggling is so fucking good

[♩] ANA: im going to waste all of this

* * *

 [♩] REYES: The five of you approach the edge of the mountain on a misty morning. The voyant approaches from the fog, hands delicately wrapped around what appears to be a magic staff

[♩] REYES: She says, “this journey will be perilous, adventurers. if any of you wish to turn back, do so now”

[♩] ANA: i turn back

[♩] REYES: A giant fog monster comes from the mist and kills you you’re dead now bye

[♩] GENJI: God i wish that were me

[♩] REYES: Okay that actually doesn’t happen but are you five ready for this adventure

[♩] REINHARDT: of course!!

[♩] TRACER: obviously

[♩] REYES: You begin your hike up the mountain

[♩] MCCREE: wait shit i left the stove on

[♩] TRACER: your fantasy stove

[♩] REYES: Too late, the pre rendered cutscene has already started. If you reset now you’ll have to go back to your last save state

[♩] MCCREE: **MY FANTASY STOVE**

[♩] REYES: So do you have any dialogue while you’re hiking up the mountain or is it just awkward silence

[♩] GENJI: Awkward silence

[♩] MCCREE: ok so while were hiking matt says

[♩] MCCREE: “yknow i think thisll be a great time for some team bonding”

[♩] ANA: snart yawns

[♩] MCCREE: i roll perception to see if i notice

[♩] REYES: You don’t need to-

[♩] MCCREE: i got a three

[♩] REYES: Okay then

[♩] REYES: You don’t notice snart yawn

[♩] TRACER: lucie is really excited by the idea of team bonding and says

[♩] TRACER: “great!! all my friends call me sonic -”

[♩] REYES: If you want to be called sonic you  _have_ to roll

[♩] TRACER: FINE!!!! i roll persuasion to convince the voyant to call me sonic

[♩] REYES: And what did you get.

[♩] TRACER: ...5

[♩] GENJI: I will establish here that lyn would rather die than interact with you all

[♩] MCCREE: matt says “so whatre yall favorite hobbies”

[♩] GENJI: I roll to die

[♩] MCCREE: ...

[♩] GENJI:

[♩] GENJI: I rolled a one

[♩] REYES: Congratulations, you're immortal now

[♩] GENJI: This is the nightmare scenario

[♩] REYES: I do like how you all have decided to collectively ignore the voyant on this trek

[♩] MCCREE: are we supposed to interact with her

[♩] TRACER: i roll to seduce her again

[♩] REYES: No

[♩] REINHARDT: alfons turns to the voyant and says “ms voyant how did you hear about this”

[♩] GENJI: You mean we havent already asked her this

[♩] REYES: Yeah and you took the quest

[♩] REYES: She looks over to alfons and says “i have experience in noticing warning signs, and have seen similar things in the past that i have tried to prevent”

[♩] TRACER: tried?

[♩] REYES: “Yes, fate is a tricky thing to sway”

[♩] MCCREE: that sounds bad

[♩] GENJI: So she knows divination

[♩] REYES: “Yes i thought that was pretty obvious”

[♩] REYES: “It is also the reason why my identity must be hidden. those who seek evil often wish to hold the power of clairvoyance and try to capture me”

[♩] ANA: is your first name claire

[♩] REYES: “I see what you’re going for there but no, it isn’t.”

[♩] MCCREE: I talk to lyn

[♩] MCCREE: She seems interesting

[♩] GENJI: No

[♩] REYES: Are you actually going to talk or

[♩] MCCREE: “so whyd you decide to go on this quest”

[♩] GENJI: Do i have to respond

[♩] REYES: If you think it’s not in character, no

[♩] GENJI: Great i don’t respond

[♩] MCCREE: …

[♩] TRACER: lucie turns to matt and goes “so wherere you from?”

[♩] MCCREE: matt says-

[♩] REYES: Just use character voices

[♩] TRACER: but how is athena gonna pick it up?

**[I’ll do my best.]**

[♩] TRACER: okay

[♩] TRACER [LUCIE]: so wherere you from?

[♩] MCCREE [MATT]: nowhere in particular… ive lived almost everywhere durin my travels

[♩] TRACER [LUCIE]: and why is your wand shaped like that?

[♩] GENJI: COUGH

[♩] ANA: did you just say “cough” out loud

[♩] GENJI: Athena cant pick it up otherwise

[♩] GENJI: That was in character by the way

[♩] GENJI: Lyn coughs in the story

[♩] MCCREE [MATT]: oh real mature

[♩] MCCREE [MATT]: it helps aiming

[♩] GENJI [LYN]: COUGH

[♩] MCCREE [MATT]: ok shut up arent you supposed to be the quiet assassin type

[♩] GENJI [LYN]: Who said that

[♩] TRACER: didnt know you were the sex joke type

[♩] GENJI: Really?

[♩] TRACER: yeah i didnt know you had a sense of humour at all

[♩] GENJI: Good to know

[♩] GENJI [LYN]: Well

[♩] GENJI [LYN]: I suppose you havent heard of me then

[♩] MCCREE [MATT]: thought you were some asshole the voyant hired

[♩] GENJI [LYN]: Arent we all

[♩] REYES [VOYANT]: Mizuta here is a skilled thief

[♩] REYES [VOYANT]: Her skills will be necessary for the trials ahead

[♩] ANA: speaking of trials

[♩] ANA: what kind of fantasy stew have you cooked up for us gabe. what sort of mystical and magical puzzles await

[♩] REYES: In character ana

[♩] ANA [SNART]: what kind of trials would that be

[♩] REYES [VOYANT]: While i am not aware of the specifics of the things that lay ahead - i do know that whoever is attempting the dragon will have placed many trials for those who try and interfere

[♩] ANA: gabe here how many of these trials can be solved by pineapples

[♩] REYES: Hang on let me check my notes

[♩] REYES: Oh wow look at that

[♩] REYES: None of them. Absolutely **zero** of these need a pineapple at some point

[♩] ANA: i spent my hard earned fantasy money on pineapples

[♩] REYES: I didn’t tell you to buy fucking pinapples

[♩] ANA: i spent _all_ my stolen gold on pineapples

[♩] MCCREE: holy shit

[♩] ANA: i have like 100 pineapples in my inventory

[♩] REYES: Why

[♩] ANA: cause i could buy pineapples

[♩] REYES: ...Okay, all of you roll perception

[♩] MCCREE: 5

[♩] REYES: You notice that Snart’s armor is kind of spiky

[♩] TRACER: 1

[♩] REYES: You think you’re in a mountain-like area with some other people but you can’t be sure

[♩] GENJI: 19

[♩] REYES: You notice the pineapples really well

[♩] REINHARDT: 18

[♩] REYES: Your partner has stolen pineapples and shoved them into her armor.

[♩] ANA: oh ive already told him

[♩] REYES: And the voyant rolled a 4 so she notices like. a leaf sticking out of anas armor

[♩] REYES: Why the fuck have we spent so much time on this okay so

[♩] REYES: The six of you reach a large hole in the side of the mountain. the air is thick with mist and mystery. As you approach, you see that several boulders have blocked the path

[♩] REYES: This is your first challenge: teamwork

[♩] GENJI: Ew

[♩] GENJI: I roll to scale the boulder

[♩] REYES: This is a really big boulder.

[♩] GENJI: I roll to scale the boulder

[♩] REYES: Okay so this would be

[♩] REYES: ...Acrobatics

[♩] GENJI: 11 plus 3

[♩] REYES: This is a **really** big boulder. You attempt to scramble up it but you fall down and kind of look like an asshole

[♩] REYES [VOYANT]: Great job there

[♩] GENJI [LYN]: Shut up

[♩] REINHARDT [ALFONS]: COMRADES! we must work together to scale these devilish rocks!

[♩] MCCREE [MATT]: anyone got a rope?

[♩] REYES: **_That’s not how rope works but okay_**

[♩] ANA [SNART]: okay so what if…

[♩] ANA [SNART]: you throw me over

[♩] REINHARDT [ALFONS]: Sounds good to me

[♩] REYES: Dear lord

[♩] REINHARDT: i rolled a 16!

[♩] REYES: Snart hits the side of the rock and slides down and takes a d6 worth of damage

[♩] ANA: come ON that was a 16

[♩] REYES: It's a really big rock

[♩] REYES: This should not be as difficult as it is

[♩] GENJI: I roll to stab the rock

[♩] REYES: With a sword??

[♩] GENJI: I rolled a 15

[♩] REYES: **WHAT ARE YOU ROLLING FOR IT’S A ROCK THIS ISN’T A BATTLE**

* * *

[♩] REYES: I can’t believe it’s been two hours and you’re stumped by a boulder. this is barely a puzzle

[♩] TRACER: actually id say were more ROCKED by it

[♩] GENJI: Shut the hell up

* * *

[♩] MCCREE: OH MY GOD

[♩] REYES: Yes

[♩] MCCREE: cant we -

[♩] MCCREE: are there smaller boulders

[♩] REYES: **YES.**

[♩] MCCREE: LETS JUST WALK AROUND IT?????

[♩] TRACER [LUCIE]: OH FUCKING

[♩] TRACER [LUCIE]: BOLLOCKS

[♩] REYES: Congratulations. You’ve solved my boulder puzzle.

[♩] GENJI: Is screaming a free action

[♩] REYES: You walk around the rocks after **two hours** and jump over the significantly smaller pebbles that litter the base of the ground, entering the darkness of the cave

[♩] GENJI [LYN]: Oh great a spooky cave just what we want

[♩] REYES [VOYANT]: You signed up for this, mizuta

[♩] GENJI [LYN]: It was for the money

* * *

[♩] MCCREE: wow those were some crazy puzzles

[♩] TRACER: and really creative solutions as well!!

[♩] ANA: looking forward to the summation of all those hints youve been dropping so far about the true nature of our enemy

[♩] ANA: really the battle wouldnt be the same without the buildup so far

[♩] REYES: You approach the final dungeon, towering stone towers engraved with the ancient markings of five bestial beings that have a strange unearthly aura to them

[♩] ANA [SNART]: wait hang on

[♩] ANA [SNART]: if theres someone in there we have to enter in with a cool pose and a one liner

[♩] TRACER [LUCIE]: yeah!!

[♩] TRACER [LUCIE]: so its some kind of necromancer right thats what weve gathered

[♩] TRACER [LUCIE]: so what about like

[♩] TRACER [LUCIE]: “youre dead!”

[♩] REINHARDT [ALFONS]: “THE PARTY IS OVER!”

[♩] GENJI [LYN]: “Your time is up”

[♩] MCCREE [MATT]: “somebody call the undertaker?”

[♩] ANA [SNART]: i liked lucies

[♩] REINHARDT [ALFONS]: yes that was the best one

[♩] REYES [VOYANT]: Okay are you five done or what

[♩] TRACER [LUCIE]: right right we can still use the other lines during the fight talking is a free action

[♩] ANA: i push open the double doors in the most dramatic way possible

[♩] ANA: quick everyone strike a pose

[♩] REYES: Is this for intimidation or just to look cool

[♩] ANA: both

[♩] REYES: I’m asking gameplay-wise

[♩] MCCREE: obviously just to look cool

[♩] REYES: Roll performance

[♩] TRACER: Six

[♩] MCCREE: nine

[♩] MCCREE: ):

[♩] TRACER: howd you get that emoji in through your voice

[♩] MCCREE: i said the symbols outloud

[♩] ANA: fuck

[♩] ANA: i rolled a two

[♩] REINHARDT: I ROLLED A TWENTY!

[♩] GENJI: Sixteen

[♩] REYES: Alfons and mizuta look badass and they push through the door, striking a magnificient and heroic pose

[♩] REINHARDT: I DO THE JOJO POSE

[♩] GENJI: Why are you like this

[♩] REINHARDT: I ROLLED A TWENTY!!!!

[♩] REYES: Somehow you make the jojo pose intimidating. the big text and effects burst around you in real life somehow, maybe through your deity blessing you

[♩] GENJI: I do a ninja thing

[♩] REYES: You dash in and do a sick flip in front of everyone. it’s very cool

[♩] MCCREE [MATT]: i start clapping

[♩] REYES: you clap in a kind-of intimidating way

[♩] REYES: lucie and snart all look like idiots. you look like middle schoolers trying to be edgy and cool

[♩] TRACER: instead of sonic i look like shadow

[♩] REYES: Look at that youve violated the “three sonic references and you’re out” rule of this campaign lucie’s dead now

[♩] TRACER [LUCIE]: GOTTA GO FAST

[♩] REYES: Okay while you’re striking your varyingly intimidating poses

[♩] REYES: You notice that nobody is in the room

[♩] TRACER: oh come ON

[♩] REYES: Everyone, roll a wisdom saving throw

[♩] TRACER: what

[♩] GENJI: What

[♩] REYES: Do it

[♩] TRACER: i rolled a two

[♩] GENJI: Six

[♩] ANA: 17

[♩] REINHARDT: 8

[♩] MCCREE: 12

[♩] REYES: Lyn, alfons, and lucie fall to the floor, paralyzed

[♩] TRACER [LUCIE]: oh this is bullshit

[♩] REYES: The voyant approaches you. her eyes are glowing with magical energy. she pulls off her hood, her mouth curling into a smile

[♩] REYES [VOYANT]: Congratulations, you’ve -

[♩] GENJI [LYN]: Activated my trap card

[♩] REYES [VOYANT]: What

[♩] REYES [VOYANT]: No

[♩] REYES [VOYANT]: You five are lucky enough to be the sacrifices that will usher in a new era to this world! My goddess, our Great Mother-

[♩] MCCREE [MATT]: shut the fuck up

[♩] ANA [SNART]: hi i dont think youve noticed

[♩] ANA [SNART]: but two of us are still standing

[♩] GENJI [LYN]: Were not dead just paralyzed

[♩] ANA [SNART]: well

[♩] ANA [SNART]: i pull out my sword

[♩] REYES: Roll initiative

* * *

[♩] MCCREE: i cast flaming spell

[♩] REINHARDT: yell something cool!

[♩] MCCREE [MATT]: is it getting hot in here or is it just me?

[♩] TRACER [LUCIE]: nice one matt!!!

[♩] MCCREE [MATT]: matt the gun wizards time to shine

[♩] GENJI [LYN]: No

* * *

[♩] TRACER: aaand im at 1 hp

[♩] TRACER: this isnt going good

[♩] GENJI: Really what gave it away

[♩] GENJI: Was it the fact that three of our party members are almost dead.

[♩] REINHARDT: oh no im dead

[♩] GENJI [LYN]: I need healing

[♩] REINHARDT: im dying

[♩] TRACER: hang on hang on can i like cast a spell when im paralyzed

[♩] REYES: Wow

* * *

[♩] REYES: Okay, the three of you are unparalyzed

[♩] GENJI [LYN]: I jump up the wall and shoot my shortbow

[♩] TRACER [LUCIE]: i kick her really hard

[♩] REYES: You do realize you have _roll_ for those things, right

[♩] GENJI: ...4

[♩] REYES: You fall off the wall and onto the ground and take one d6 damage

* * *

[♩] TRACER: i roll

[♩] TRACER: to seduce her

[♩] REYES: Oh for fuck’s sake

[♩] REYES: Stop trying to seduce her

[♩] TRACER: LET ME HAVE A GIRLFRIEND REYES

[♩] REYES: While you’re wasting your turn seducing her

[♩] TRACER: talkings a free action though!

[♩] REYES: You rolled for it.

[♩] REYES: She casts circle of death

[♩] MCCREE: sounds good

[♩] TRACER [LUCIE]: soooo im dead now

* * *

[♩] REYES: You guys kind of suck at this.

[♩] REYES: Lucie is basically dead, Lyn’s been knocked out from a skeleton-

[♩] GENJI: Fuck skeletons

[♩] REYES: Matt and Alfons are out of spell slots and Snart’s weapons have all been knocked away.

[♩] MCCREE: how much hp did you give voyant???

[♩] REYES: You werent supposed to waste two hours on a boulder

[♩] MCCREE: great

[♩] ANA: WAIT

[♩] REYES: What

[♩] ANA: ive still got

[♩] ANA: one last weapon

[♩] REYES: What?

[♩] REYES: ...

[♩] REYES: _No_

[♩] ANA: _yes_

[♩] ANA: i take my pineapples out of my armor and throw them at the voyant

[♩] MCCREE: I TAKE ONE OF THEM TOO AND START THROWIN THEM

[♩] REINHARDT: I DO AS WELL

[♩] REYES: Holy shit

* * *

[♩] MCCREE [MATT]: we did it!

[♩] GENJI: Everything about this was terrible

[♩] ANA: come on shimada

[♩] ANA: it was pretty fun

[♩] GENJI: …Sure

[♩] REYES: The voyant’s body lies on the ground

[♩] REYES: She stares up at your group

[♩] REYES [VOYANT]: How the hell did you…  defeat me

[♩] REYES: She croaks out upon death's door

[♩] GENJI [LYN]: Im going to be honest

[♩] GENJI [LYN]: I have no fucking clue

[♩] GENJI [LYN]: Maybe it was dumb luck

[♩] GENJI [LYN]: Or maybe were kind of good at our jobs

[♩] MCCREE [MATT]: unlikely

[♩] ANA [SNART]: maybe it was the pineapples

[♩] GENJI [LYN]: Maybe it was the pineapples

[♩] GENJI [LYN]: Anyway

[♩] GENJI [LYN]: Were heroes

[♩] GENJI [LYN]: And were going to wreck your shit

[♩] REYES: The voyant died during your cool speech so she didnt hear the end of it

[♩] MCCREE [MATT]: it was a pretty good speech though

[♩] GENJI [LYN]: Thanks

* * *

REYES: Well

REYES: That was kind of dumb

ANA: see you in two weeks?

REYES: Do you think I can write a campaign in two weeks

REYES: One month at least

MCCREE: theres always movie night

MCCREE: who else is going

REYES: Jack is

ANA: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

REYES: Shut up, ana

ANA: one of these days youll date

ANA: maybe even before one of us dies if were lucky

REINHARDT: i have some GREAT movie recommendations

MCCREE: is the spongebob movie again.

REINHARDT: of course it is

MCCREE: can we watch a **good** movie

TRACER: how dare you

REINHARDT: the spongebob movie is a work of ART

TRACER: lets watch all of sonic x

MCCREE: if we do that i am gonna to throw myself out of the window

REYES: Again

MCCREE: **hey listen**

ANA: i am not letting gerard pick a movie he always picks artsy shit

GENJI: What about enter the dragon

GENJI: Akira or enter the dragon

MCCREE: never heard of em

GENJI: Absolutely disgusting have you never seen good cinema

MCCREE: alright alright

REYES: Akira and enter the dragon it is

REYES: See you a week from now

**[GABRIEL REYES] left [CRITICAL SHITS].**

**[JESSE MCCREE] left [CRITICAL SHITS].**

**[WILHELM REINHARDT] left [CRITICAL SHITS].**

**[ANA AMARI] left [CRITICAL SHITS].**

**[TRACER] left [CRITICAL SHITS].**

**[GENJI SHIMADA] left [CRITICAL SHITS].**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh boy a double update!
> 
> so i put this at the end of the last chapter but it was an edit so some of you might have missed it but i wanted to apologize for my portrayal of mccree as the constant butt of the joke because it's a harmful stereotype of latino men
> 
> also i've never played dnd. i want to, but i don't know how. i probably fucked up the rules somehow. but this was a fun chapter to write, especially with genji being Kind Of A Dick


	27. birthday espionage

WINSTON: Alright, Hana, Lúcio, Genji, you're on a team.

WINSTON: Do not mess this up.

LÚCIO: cmon we can handle it

LÚCIO: look at this team

LÚCIO: were gonna do great

D.VA: yeah we've got a healer, a tank, and a dps

D.VA: good comp

GENJI: Im a pro dps player

D.VA: you disgust me

LÚCIO: dont be rude to my boyfriend hana

WINSTON: ...It's not a video game... this is an _incredibly_ important stealth mission.

SOMBRA: Ooohhhh what mission would this be

WINSTON: We have to at least _pretend_ to have some kind of security.

SOMBRA: Ill figure it out eventually

GENJI: Lúcio if anything happens to you at all i will strike them down

D.VA: with those shurikens i'd be surprised that you could hit a stationary object

GENJI: You know what

D.VA: fusion cannons are the future

LÚCIO: genji. babe. my boyfriend. the love of my life. cyborg ninja dude.

LÚCIO: you always say that but you also always call for healing like three blocks away

GENJI: Im jumpy

LÚCIO: just stick close to me and hana this time

WINSTON: Also, you're not allowed to connect to this channel during the mission.

D.VA: WHAT!!!

GENJI: Boo

LÚCIO: whaaat

WINSTON: The channel isn't secure enough in the building. If someone taps it, then we'll all be discovered.

WINSTON: You can't use this channel.

D.VA: okay fine

D.VA: alright

D.VA: WINNER SQUADRON!!! HEADING OUT!!!

MERCY: You are really bad at naming things.

GENJI: Its because were the young hip side of overwatch

MEI: aren't you 35?

TRACER: yeah if its the young hip side itd be me, hana, lúcio, zen, and jamie

LÚCIO: lets not include junkrat in anything

D.VA: what he's hilarious

LÚCIO: yesterday i saw him sit in the sun for twelve hours with nothing but half a handtowel and star shaped sunglasses

LÚCIO: when i asked what he was doing he said he was "bathing"

LÚCIO: i saw him crawl around on all fours with a bomb strapped to his back

LÚCIO: i dont think he blinks

D.VA: uh yeah he's hilarious

WINSTON: Now, don't be rude.

WINSTON: Junkrat is a...

WINSTON: member of the team.

LÚCIO: you cant even say valued member

WINSTON: Listen, I'm not quite sure how he ended up here.

ANA: wow your team names suck

D.VA: it was either that or ninja bunny hop

ANA: thats even worse

ANA: name it skullcrushers 3.0

D.VA: what happened to 1.0 and 2.0

ANA: dont ask questions you arent prepared to know the answer to

D.VA: god this server's gonna be so dead without us

D.VA: later nerds

TRACER: you play videogames for a living

** [D.VA] left [THIS IS A COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL NOT A SHOPPING LIST]. **

** [LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS] left [THIS IS A COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL NOT A SHOPPING LIST]. **

** [GENJI SHIMADA] left [THIS IS A COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL NOT A SHOPPING LIST]. **

* * *

SYMMETRA: ...

SYMMETRA: This channel is rather quiet without the three of them.

MEI: yeah i know

MEI: ...

ANA: im too old to provide as many memes for this channel

MCCREE: maam you literally wouldnt stop postin rage comics the other day

ANA: peach time

MCCREE: why

MCCREE: HANZO STOP LAUGHIN

MCCREE: THEYRE NOT THAT FUNNY

REINHARDT: ana no

ANA: ana yes

* * *

SYMMETRA: /whisper [ZARYA]

SYMMETRA: >> I have found something of interest. <<

ZARYA: /whisper [SYMMETRA]

ZARYA: >> ? <<

SYMMETRA: >> A calendar. <<

SYMMETRA: >> Marked with every single Overwatch member's birthday, including Mei's. <<

ZARYA: >> ... <<

SYMMETRA: >> If you are considering throwing a "surprise party" for Mei, that is the plan."

ZARYA: >> Excellent work!! <<

ZARYA: >> Have you ever thrown a party before because i have not <<

SYMMETRA: >> ... <<  


SYMMETRA: >> Perhaps we should seek some advice. <<

SYMMETRA: >> It is a shame that Genji is not here. He appears to have some experience in parties. <<

ZARYA: >> Who else would know about birthday parties <<

SYMMETRA: >> ... <<  


ZARYA: >> ... <<

* * *

SYMMETRA: /whisper [ANA AMARI]

SYMMETRA: >> I require advice. <<

ANA: /whisper [SYMMETRA]

ANA: >> yeah <<

ANA: >> wait hang on i just realize how dumb this whispering setting is <<

SYMMETRA: >> It is rather inconvenient, isn't it. <<

ANA: >> yeah brb <<

* * *

ANA: winston could you make the private chat less terrible

WINSTON: It's not so bad.

WINSTON: ...Is it?  


MCCREE: its uh

MCCREE: its pretty bad

MCCREE: one time i accidentally sexted genji instead of hanzo

TRACER: it happens

76: why are you sexting through your communicator

MCCREE: cause i dont got a phone???

76: ...

MCCREE: sides youve probably sexted boss more times than i can count

76: ...

REAPER: **Wow look at the time I have to go right now.**

76: me too bye

** [REAPER] left [THIS IS A COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL NOT A SHOPPING LIST]. **

** [SOLDIER 76]  **left [THIS IS A COMMUNICATIONS CHANNEL NOT A SHOPPING LIST].** **

TRACER: five bucks says theyre gonna make out

MCCREE: i dont take bets i know ill lose

ANA: ok so can you change the whisper settings?

WINSTON: I can't just code a brand new texting feature and remove an entire section just like that, Captain Amari. It'd require several hours worth of preparation and for the server to go down, which we just can't afford with active agents.

ANA: but its my birthday soon

SYMMETRA: No it isn't?

MEI: ...how did you know captain amari's birthday? :?

SYMMETRA: Yes.

SYMMETRA: I have to go now.

WINSTON: I'll start something as soon as I can.

SOMBRA: want any help

WINSTON: Um. No, thank you?

* * *

SYMMETRA: >> That was a failure. <<

ZARYA: >> Who else would know about parties <<

* * *

ZARYA: /whisper [TRACER]

ZARYA: >> Do you know about birthday parties <<

TRACER: /whisper [ZARYA]

TRACER: >> i mean i THOUGHT i did but apparently not. sure when _GENJI_  throws a themed party its "cool and fun" but when _i_ throw a party i "shouldnt ever be allowed near the partyblowers ever again" and "could have possibly destroyed the fabric of space and time by blinking into a balloon"

ZARYA: >> It was useless thanks <<

TRACER: >> and who SAYS that crocs arent formal!! these are my black crocs!! theyre VINTAGE!! <<

* * *

SYMMETRA: /whisper [HANZO SHIMADA]

SYMMETRA: >> Do you know anything about throwing a party. <<

HANZO: /whisper [SYMMETRA]

HANZO: >> No. <<  


SYMMETRA: >> Okay. <<

* * *

ZARYA: >> You asked a Shimada that was not a cyborg for party advice <<

SYMMETRA: >> ...Yes. Perhaps it was not my finest idea. <<

ZARYA: >> You are always so funny <<

* * *

ZARYA: /whisper [PHARAH]

ZARYA: >> I need help <<

PHARAH: /whisper [ZARYA]

PHARAH: >> Is it about our weightlifting challenge with Reinhardt? Because I already beat him. I think he's crying. <<  
ZARYA: >> No but tell him he still has to keep his promise of the arm wrestling match <<

ZARYA: >> It is mei's birthday soon and i want to have a surprise party <<

PHARAH: >> Well. My birthday parties were all High School Musical or Overwatch themed. <<

PHARAH: >> Does Dr. Zhou like HSM? Are we all in this together? <<

ZARYA: >> ...No <<

PHARAH: >> It's a good trilogy. <<

* * *

SYMMETRA: /whisper [WILHEIM REINHARDT]

SYMMETRA: >> Lieutenant Reinhardt, I have a question to ask you. <<

SYMMETRA: >> ... <<

SYMMETRA: >> ...Lieutenant Reinhardt? <<

* * *

SYMMETRA: >> Amélie. <<

WIDOWMAKER: >> _Non._ <<

* * *

SYMMETRA: >> Sombra. <<

SOMBRA: >> ive been reading all your messages and i cant help you. <<  


SYMMETRA: >> Why are you reading all of our messages. <<  


SOMBRA: >> Cause gabe hasnt agreed to the idea of a talon groupchat yet <<

* * *

SYMMETRA: >> Who else do we ask? Mei's birthday is _tomorrow._ <<

SYMMETRA: >> Except for Fawkes, who I automatically disqualify due to the fact that he walks around shirtless and has not bathed in what I assume to be years. <<

ZARYA: >> How is that no one here knows how to throw a party <<

* * *

MCCREE: /whisper [ZARYA], [SYMMETRA]

MCCREE: >> ladies i heard from hanzo you need a surprise party by tomorrow <<  


MCCREE: >> and while i aint exactly the guy well versed in party throwing but i got a couple ideas <<

SYMMETRA: >> ...Okay? <<

MCCREE: >> try and go for somethin small and heartfelt <<

MCCREE: >> based on what ive heard from dr zhous past her last few birthdays have been <<

MCCREE: >> yknow <<

MCCREE: >> alone or frozen <<

MCCREE: >> so you might wanna start small <<

MCCREE: >> when i was in blackwatch for the first time reyes got me a cake and everyone gave me presents <<

MCCREE: >> even morrison. he only forgot once which is kinda surprisin but to be fair he had just gone on a op so <<

MCCREE: >> anyway it wasnt nothin fancy mind you just a few people and a cake <<

MCCREE: >> that was the first birthday party i ever had and it was the best one i ever had <<

SYMMETRA: >> ... <<

ZARYA: >> ... <<

MCCREE: >> so that was enough emotional sincerity for me im gonna go back to playing wii sports resort on hanas console until she comes back see ya <<

SYMMETRA: >> Thank you, McCree. <<

SYMMETRA: >> You were extremely helpful. <<

MCCREE: >> no problem <<

* * *

SYMMETRA: >> Something small. <<

ZARYA: >> We should have it in the kitchen <<

SYMMETRA: >> I believe we require some kind of cake. <<

SYMMETRA: >> I should be able to decorate, but where do we find a cake? <<

ZARYA: >> Hmm... <<

* * *

ZARYA: /whisper [MERCY]

ZARYA: >> I know you are keeping cakes in your office <<  


ZARYA: >> I need one <<

MERCY: >> I have no idea what you are talking about. Cake should only be enjoyed on special occasions and in small portions. I'm a doctor, Ms. Zaryanova. I have some awareness of my health. <<

ZARYA: >> attached img: [торт.png] <<

MERCY: >> ... <<

MERCY: >> You can't tell the others. <<

ZARYA: >> I will need a cake <<

MERCY: >> Fine. <<

* * *

ZARYA: >> I have secured a cake <<

SYMMETRA: >> Excellent. Now, we need to decorate the kitchen. But we need to keep the others out. <<

ZARYA: >> Hm... <<

* * *

ZARYA: /whisper [JUNKRAT]

ZARYA: >> Can you be a distraction for the next twelve hours to keep mei out of the kitchen i will pay you <<

JUNKRAT: >> WHATRE YOU OFFERIN SHEILA <<

ZARYA: >> I have found some of your weird australian sauce <<

JUNKRAT: >> VEGEMITE???? <<

JUNKRAT: >> THAT CAN GET YA SIX HOURS <<

ZARYA: >> I will give you a towel i found at the bottom of the stairs <<

JUNKRAT: >> HMM <<  


ZARYA: >> I do not know where it has been and it has stains <<

JUNKRAT: >> YOU GOTTA DEAL!! <<

* * *

JUNKRAT: HEY IM GONNA BLOW UP ALL OF THE EMERGENCY ESCAPE BOATS NOBODY MINDS??? GOOD!!

JUNKRAT: ALSO I FOUND SOME OF THE MONKEYS OL PROTOTYPES FOR ZHOUS EXPLOSIVE THINGS

MEI: don't you dare!!!!!

ANA: oh thisll be good

ANA: fareeha could you make some popcorn for your dear elderly mother

PHARAH: Only one of those adjectives are true.

ANA: i cant believe im not dear to you fareeha

MEI: get out!!!

* * *

SYMMETRA: >> He doesn't actually have Mei's old prototypes, does he? <<

ZARYA: >> I... hope not <<

SYMMETRA: >> Okay. Let us begin. <<

* * *

JUNKRAT: /whisper [ZARYA]

JUNKRAT: >> ALRIGHT SHEILA TIMES UP <<

WINSTON: Alright, we've managed to stop Junkrat from blowing up the boats.

WINSTON: After ten hours.

TRACER: my toes are FREEZIN

TRACER: i think ****** and ***** are frozen to my hands

WIDOWMAKER: I don't even feel the cold.

MCCREE: well we cant all be purple

MEI: you're just a big bully you know that!! someone could've gotten seriously hurt!!  


MEI: >:x

MEI: ...hey

MEI: has anyone seen satya and zarya?

MEI: i haven't seen them all day!

MCCREE: oh im sure theyre just fine

MEI: :?

SYMMETRA: Mei, could you come into the kitchen for a moment?

MEI: sure?

SYMMETRA: Everyone else, please come if you wish.

** [ZARYA] changed channel name to [HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEI!!!!!]. **

MCCREE: /whisper [ZARYA], [SYMMETRA]

MCCREE: >> nice job <<

* * *

ANA: happy birthday dr zhou

PHARAH: Happy birthday!

REINHARDT: happy birthday!!

MERCY: Happy birthday, Mei!

MCCREE: happy bday

76: happy birthday

SOMBRA: _6-5-12-9-26 3-21-13-16-12-5-1 15-19 8-5-12-1-4-15_

BASTION: bweet bweet!!

MEI: ohmigosh...

MEI: thank you so much everyone i

MEI: i'm really glad you're all here!!

SYMMETRA: We love you, Mei.

ZARYA: I love you  _Радость моя_!!

MEI: ...i love you both as well!!

MEI: (//ω//)(//ω//)(//ω//)

MEI: though your cake decorating skills could use a little work, satya!!

SYMMETRA: ...It's quite different from light manipulation.

MEI: it'll just be something we can all do together!!

MEI: i know a recipe for bear-shaped cupcakes, zarya!!

BASTION: ʕ ·ᴥ·ʔ phweet

MEI: ...how did you guys know my birthday?

ZARYA: We found a calendar

REAPER:  **...That is mine.**

SYMMETRA: What?

REAPER:  **It's my calendar.**

ZARYA: It would explain all the pumpkins

SYMMETRA: ...Would you like it back?

ANA: he probably memorized all the dates already

REAPER:  **I have not. I don't care about your birthdays anymore.**

ANA: mhm

ANA: and whatd you get for sombras birthday

SOMBRA: he got me a bunch of really old devices that i can port doom to

SOMBRA: im playing doom on a toaster right now

**[D.VA] reentered [HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEI!!!!!].**

D.VA: i know i'm not supposed to use this channel for actual emergencies right now but

D.VA: there's an actual emergency

WINSTON: What?

HANZO: Where is Genji?

TRACER: wheres lúcio??

D.VA: you know how the report said that vishkar hadn't started development in dorado yet?

D.VA: well...

D.VA: they have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> plot??? in MY crackfic??? it's more likely than you think
> 
> so i'll be trying some new things next chapter, tell me what you think. i dunno how this'll turn out (i mean. i know how the story will work out. but quality-wise i have no idea.)


	28. mission armpossible

PHARAH: What happened?

D.VA: genji was captured by vishkar agents when he was investigating a warehouse

D.VA: idiot had to go ahead and look around

D.VA: and he wouldnt answer anything so we went ahead to check on him

SOMBRA: That's irresponsible planning

D.VA: i don't leave anyone behind

SOMBRA: Interesting tactics

SOMBRA: Right, gabe?

SOMBRA: ...?

**[REAPER] left [ **HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEI!!!!!** ].**

**[SOMBRA] left [ **HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEI!!!!!** ].**

D.VA: they recognized lúcio and

D.VA: used genji as a hostage

D.VA: they said they'd release genji if lúcio went with them but

D.VA: they didn't.

76: where did they take them

D.VA: i don't know

D.VA: i couldn't see what was happening very well

HANZO: We must go after them.

D.VA: obviously

D.VA: fucking dumbasses i'm going to kick their asses for getting into this

**[SYMMETRA] left **[ **HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEI!!!!!** ]**.**

MEI: um

MEI: one second, everyone!!

**[MEI-LING ZHOU] left **[ **HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEI!!!!!** ]**.**

**[ZARYA] left **[ **HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEI!!!!!** ]**.**

* * *

PHARAH: Has anyone seen Satya? She’s supposed to be in the mission planning room.

PHARAH: Is she okay?

MEI: sorry could you give us a moment

WINSTON: Alright, the team going in to rescue Lúcio and Genji will be D.Va, Zenyatta, Symmetra, Pharah, Jesse, and Mei.

WINSTON: Symmetra, you'll be stationed nearby with the plans for the Vishkar development. D.Va, protect Symmetra from any attackers that might be nearby.

HANZO: Why am I not on the team.

WINSTON: Well, um.

WINSTON: We don't exactly need a sniper?

HANZO: Yes you do. I will go on this mission.

HANZO: This is not a question.

* * *

D.VA: /whisper [HANZO SHIMADA]

D.VA: >> i’m sorry. <<

HANZO: >> It is not your fault. <<

HANZO: >> Genji will be fine. <<

HANZO: >> He has been through worse before. <<

* * *

**[SYMMETRA] reentered [ **HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEI!!!!!** ].**

76: what's the news with tracking lúcio

SYMMETRA: It will not be impossible to track dos Santos. His technology has a similar signal to Vishkar, which made it difficult to track, but there are a few key differences.

76: like what

SYMMETRA: For one thing, dos Santos’ signature is much weaker.

76: is that a good thing

SYMMETRA: When your aim is not to sedate and brainwash those who listen to your music, yes.

MCCREE: yeah thats a good thing

SYMMETRA: I should have his location in Dorado soon.

HANZO: Genji cannot let himself be captured.

MCCREE: because hes your brother and you care about him?

HANZO: Because he fucking changed the password on my computer and I do not know what it is.

TRACER: yeah!! lúcio said he was gonna help me with the next overwatch summer games!!

TRACER: we were gonna have chess without limits this year

MERCY: ...What is 'chess without limits?'

TRACER: whatever you want it to be

* * *

 GS_SPARROWシステムをリブート中。。。

システムの点検中。。。

右腕 :　０％

左腕:　８７％

視力:　 ７５％

人工呼吸用装置:　１００％

> Great at least the _air conditioning_ is working. the most useful thing there is

> ...

> OH FUCK WHAT HAPPENED

> Ow

> Ow fuck my arms

> Shit

> ...

> Ah

> Arm.

> Singular.

>...

> OH SHIT

> LÚCIO

> Lúcio

> What happened is he okay

> Shit is hana okay

> Fuck where are they

> These fucking leg bindings

>

>

>

> Okay this sucks ass  
>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Oh my god why did the power go out

???: That was the wrong button, Sombra.

???: What do you mean you ‘can’t turn it back on-’

???: ...Just tell me that security systems are deactivated.

> Uh holy shit

話者: レイエス　ガブルエル

REYES: What.

> Nothing i just didnt expect you to be here

> Actually i probably should have your vape teleportation is loud

REYES: Don't be a smartass, Shimada.

> But its my brand

> But seriously why are you here

REYES: To rescue you.

> What

REYES: You heard me.

> Wait youre

> _Youre_ breaking _me_ out

> You are not good at playing the bad guy

REYES: Don't make me regret this.

> We need to find lúcio and hana

REYES: Song is fine. Dos Santos should be somewhere around here.

> ...

REYES: Your team is looking for you.

> I need to tell them im here

REYES: You can do it later. Let's finish the mission first.

???: _Hola,_ Sparrow.

話者: ソムブラ

> WHAT the fuck

> How do you people keep sneaking up on me your devices are so loud

SOMBRA: been here all along

> How are you doing that

SOMBRA: Doing what

> Your text

> Its...

SOMBRA: what?

> Nevermind

SOMBRA: anyway gabe i cleared the rooms and the security alarms should be clear for like thirty minutes

SOMBRA: you owe me for this one

REYES: I'll pay you when the mission is over.

SOMBRA: you wouldnt want the BOSS hearing about this would you?

SOMBRA: reaper, notorious mercenary and famed for his hatred of overwatch agents??? _helping_ an overwatch agent???

REYES: We'll talk when we're done.

SOMBRA: always so serious

> Do you even know who your boss is

SOMBRA: I’m - it’s a work in progress, okay?

REYES: No, she doesn’t.

> Do you

REYES: ...Get out and we'll find dos Santos.

> What no

> Hes my boyfriend im going to rescue him

REYES: Are you serious.

SOMBRA: Hey, youre always the sappy one gabe. i figured youd understand

REYES: Shimada, you don't have your right arm.

> Im ambidextrous

REYES: ...No you aren't.

> Yes i am

REYES: Do you remember what happened in Sorrento.

> I thought we all agreed never to talk about sorrento

REYES: Exactly.

REYES: ... _And_ you don’t have your weapons.

> All the more reason to let me come with you

> Shimada forged swords arent cheap you know

> Also the guy who makes them is dead now

> Because i killed him

> _And_ i dont trust sombra with finding my weapons

SOMBRA: Yeah you really shouldn't

SOMBRA: you have twenty six minutes before the alarms reactivate

REYES: Fine. Let's get moving.

SOMBRA: cant you just afford a _few_ agents?? all this hassle just for one guy

> Thats my boyfriend you barbie villain asshole

SOMBRA: that’s a _very_ specific insult.

REYES : Get to your station, Sombra. We still have work to do.

SOMBRA: alright, alright

SOMBRA: _Adios,_ sparrow.

> What stations

REYES: She's keeping a watch from the security station. Or at least, she's _supposed_ to.

> How did you get her to cooperate

REYES: ...I promised to make her another sweater.

> Hahahah holy shit

REYES: Yeah, well, come with me.

REYES: And be quiet.

> I am a ninja

REYES: Never would've guessed with that mouth of yours.

> Shut up i am great at my job

* * *

[♩] PHARAH: Overwatch Strike Team has arrived in Dorado.

[♩] PHARAH: Satya, do you have Lúcio's coordinates?

[♩] SYMMETRA: I believe so.

ANA: i love how subtle youre being. youre running in with a giant pink mech, my precious daughter who flies around in a glorified jetpack, and a cowboy

[♩] PHARAH: Mom.

ANA: its really good. very stealthy.

[♩] MERCY: We can't all be snipers.

WIDOWMAKER: We should all be snipers.

MCCREE: bad

[♩] SYMMETRA: There should be an emergency exit you can enter. Once one of you enters, the security systems will be alerted _immediately_ , so you must move quickly.

[♩] PHARAH: Jesse, Satya, Hanzo, and I will go through the the secret entrance. Satya, you find surveillance and take out whoever is there. Give us updates as we go.

[♩] PHARAH: Hana, Zenyatta, and Dr. Zhou, you three go through the entrance and cause a distraction when we bust in.

[♩] PHARAH: Everyone, let's go!

[♩] HANZO: …

[♩] HANZO: The alarms aren’t going off.

[♩] SYMMETRA: This is.

[♩] SYMMETRA: Not right.

[♩] PHARAH: ...Um. Okay, keep going, the systems could be damaged. This could be our chance.

* * *

[Hey again!]

> What the FUCK

REYES: Quiet, Shimada!

> Im trying

REYES: What is it?

> Sombra is

> Talking in my head

[Is this weird.]

> Yes???

[This is faster.]

[Your friends are here.]

> _WHAT_

[Yeah. Your brother, D.Va, Vaswani, the wannabe cowboy, Pharah, and the Shambali monk.]

> Zenyatta is here?

[Yeah and he looks pissed.]

[Somehow.]

[Didn't think that was possible for an omnic with no facial expressions.]

> He does that

> Did he tape black tape to his face to make angry eyebrows

[Actually, yeah. He did.]

> He listened to my suggestion after all

REYES: If you're talking to Sombra, ask her where the hell dos Santos is.

> Did you not know

REYES: ...No.

> Is this why youve just been knocking open doors for no reason?

REYES: ...

> And youre so dramatic every time

REYES: **Quiet.**

[Well, I haven't _seen_ Lúcio in here.]

> Great

[But... that's the thing. I've noticed that the footage in room 5c is looping, meaning that there's something in there that isn't supposed to be.]

> Were on floor 3a

[You might want to hurry it up then, my hacking won't last forever.]

> Youre a shit hacker

[Hey, it resets every thirty minutes. I'm fast, but not that fast.]

[Also, can I keep those Blackwatch photos you're storing? I'm going to use them against Gabe next time he tries to stop me fucking up the missions I don't like.] 

> You sabotage your own missions?

[Only if I don't like them.]

* * *

[♩] SYMMETRA: What.

[♩] PHARAH: What's the problem?

[♩] SYMMETRA: ...I have broken into the security room, as promised. But.

[♩] PHARAH: But?

[♩] SYMMETRA: Sombra is here. She says that Reaper is also here, and they are trying to rescue Genji and Lúcio as well.

76: are you kidding me

ANA: oooh what a surprise gabriels not actually evil

MCCREE: guess thats why the alarms werent going off

[♩] D.VA: Wow! REALLY great of them to tell us that ahead of time!

**[REAPER] reentered [ **HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEI!!!!!** ].**

**[SOMBRA] reentered [ **HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEI!!!!!**.**

MCCREE: why the hell didnt you **tell** us you were coming

SOMBRA: to quote Gabe himself: " **They'd just get in the way.** "

REAPER: Don't call me that

MCCREE: we dont get in the way

REAPER: You sent seven people on a two person stealth rescue mission

[♩] SOMBRA: You forgot the bold, old man.

REAPER: Now is not the time for this

MCCREE: we sent a six person mission for a one person rescue mission in blackwatch

REAPER: Four of them died, Jesse.

MCCREE: oh. right.

MCCREE: damn shame i liked ambers

REAPER: Well, he turned out to be leaking information about Blackwatch, so I wouldn’t be too worried it.

MCCREE: he did what

REAPER: Yeah, him and twelve of his teammates.

REAPER: They’re all dead now.

MCCREE: oh.

MCCREE: wait what

REAPER: **Unimportant.**

[♩] PHARAH: None of us know how to be stealthy. Most of us have fluorescent lights on our uniform.

[♩] PHARAH: Jesse wears spurs.

MCCREE: i was in blackwatch i know how to be stealthy

ANA: the spurs were actually to stop him from sneaking up on people in overwatch

ANA: like a cowbell

TRACER: cowboybell?

MCCREE: yallre terrible people

[♩] D.VA: What the fuck is a yaller - oh.

**[GENJI SHIMADA] reentered [ **HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEI!!!!!** ].**

GENJI: Genji is with you!

HANZO: Genji! Are you okay?

HANZO: ...Genji.

GENJI: Hang on it is very slow to type like this

[♩] GENJI: Yeah im disarmed

HANZO: ...What.

REAPER: Vishkar removed his right arm

HANZO: That's the one with all of your weapons.

[♩] GENJI: Im ambidextrous

HANZO: You are clearly not.

[♩] GENJI: Fuck you hanzo!!!

[♩] D.VA: Genji! Fuck you!

[♩] GENJI: Hanzo greets me with an 'are you okay' and you start with a 'fuck you'

[♩] GENJI: You are the rudest person ever

[♩] GENJI: Which is saying something because _one_ of you two killed me

HANZO: I...

[♩] GENJI: You cant see me right now hanzo but i am flipping you off with my only arm

[♩] D.VA: _Fuck_ you I was so worried!

[♩] PHARAH: We still need to find Lúcio. Do you know where he is?

SOMBRA: probably room 5c of the basement

[♩] SYMMETRA: There is no room 5c in the Dorado building. It only has two levels.

[♩] SYMMETRA: ...Oh.

SOMBRA: yeah

* * *

[♩] GENJI: Oh for fucks sake

[♩] GENJI: Nobodys here

[♩] GENJI: Sombra whats going on

[♩] SOMBRA: I don't know, he should be in there!

[♩] REAPER: Maybe the footage was a trap

[♩] GENJI: Or maybe he escaped already

[♩] SOMBRA: Did you find your weapons yet?

[♩] GENJI: Nope

[♩] SOMBRA: Just clear out the building, the alarms are coming back on.

[♩] REAPER: Genji, let’s move!

[♩] GENJI: Hahah

[♩] GENJI: No

[♩] REAPER: Shimada, get back here -

**[GENJI SHIMADA] left [ **HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEI!!!!!** ].**

[♩] REAPER: For fucks sake.

[♩] SOMBRA: I’m out.

[♩] SOMBRA: You coming?

[♩] REAPER: No one left behind.

**[REAPER] left **[ **HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEI!!!!!** ].****

**[JESSE MCCREE] left [ **HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEI!!!!!** ].**

* * *

REYES: What are you planning, Shimada.

> I have never planned anything my entire life why would i start now

???: Howdy.

話者: マックリー ジェ シ 

REYES: What are you doing here.

JESSE: Saving your asses.

JESSE: Genji doesn’t have one of his arms.

> Im ambidextrous

JESSE: No, you’re not.

REYES: You really aren’t.

JESSE: And when I say arms, I mean both your arm and your weapons. Puns.

REYES: I hate both of you.

JESSE: Aw, boss really does care.

REYES: How did you find us.

JESSE: Well, you literally said the room you were next to in the channel.

JESSE: And you are really loud.

> Oops

JESSE: Say, how about a little Blackwatch reunion?

> I like it

REYES: I’m not going to be able to convince you two otherwise, am I.

> No

* * *

[♩] D.VA: Hey, Satya?

[♩] SYMMETRA: Yes?

[♩] D.VA: You know that this isn’t your fault, right?

[♩] SYMMETRA: ...I don’t understand.

[♩] D.VA: You’re not the reason that Vishkar’s done this.

[♩] SYMMETRA: I am.

[♩] SYMMETRA: They want me, and Genji and Lúcio are the bait.

[♩] SYMMETRA: If I hadn’t left, they wouldn’t be in this situation!

[♩] D.VA: But you did the right thing, leaving Vishkar. You’ve helped us, you’ve helped Overwatch!

[♩] D.VA: I know you might not believe me, but it’s the truth.

[♩] D.VA: ...I’ve had trouble with this kind of thing too.

[♩] SYMMETRA: Really?

[♩] D.VA: When I first joined - was drafted - into MEKA, it was me, a veteran pilot as our captain, and nine other professional gamers.

[♩] D.VA: Most of them were a few years older than I was.

[♩] D.VA: ...Half of them died, on that first mission. They weren’t the last.

[♩] D.VA: For the longest time, I thought it was my fault. Sometimes I still do.

[♩] D.VA: I’ve thought over again and again, what could I have done? How could I have saved them?

[♩] D.VA: But there’s no point to that.

[♩] D.VA: We can’t change what we’ve done.

[♩] D.VA: And Genji and Lúcio are still alive.

[♩] SYMMETRA: ...Thank you, Hana.

* * *

> Im just _saying_ that blackwatch would have been better if we had had a theme song -

REYES: Shut up.

> You cant silence the truth -

REYES: _I mean it._

[Hey, Sparrow.]

> What

[Vaswani noticed something on the roof.]

> Lúcio?

[Could be. She set up her station pretty far away and she says she can’t tell, and for some reason nobody put up cameras there.]

> Sombra says there’s somebody on the roof

REYES: Could be a trap.

JESSE: It’s probably a trap.

> But they dont know were here

JESSE: I wouldn’t be so sure.

> Im going up there

JESSE: If I die because of this, one of you has to promise to put my hat on my grave.

> Aaaand theres nobody here

REYES: Yeah, this is a trap.

JESSE: What a surprise.

> Shut up

???: I’d lower your weapons if I were you.

JESSE: Who the hell are you?

???: Sanjay Korpal, Vishkar negotiator.

> What a shitty title

話者:コルパル サンジェイ

Nombre KORPAL SANJAY se pone a DICKHOLE.

> Nice

[Nice.]

REYES: What.

> Nothing

DICKHOLE: So, Overwatch really is here.

JESSE: How’d you find us?

DICKHOLE: You’re very loud.

> Dammit

DICKHOLE: And every security system in the building went off.

[Dammit.]

DICKHOLE: You really think we’d have loud, blaring alarms?

JESSE: I mean.

JESSE: Yeah.

DICKHOLE: Drop your weapons, you’re surrounded.

REYES: I’m not going to -

REYES: And you both have guns to your head.

REYES: These don’t affect me.

DICKHOLE: They’ll affect your two companions.

> Come on

> This has been the worst day ever

> My boyfriend gets kidnapped

> I get kidnapped

> I lost my arm _and_ my sword

> Hana tells me to fuck off

> The blackwatch reunion was pretty good but now youre holding a gun to my head

> This is worse than the time jesse and i were sent to that french film festival

JESSE: Hey, those deaths had nothing to do with us.

REYES: According to the reports.

JESSE: According to the reports.

> Anyway what im basically trying to say is cant i just have _one_ day where everyone just stops

> God

> I need a fucking break

DICKHOLE: Just… stop talking.

> If im going to die im going to die complaining

JESSE: This feels like a role reversal.

JESSE: Remember Otavalo?

> Yeah you kept on talking even when they were about to stab us

REYES: Why did I ever send you two on missions.

JESSE: We survived!

REYES: You lost your arm.

JESSE: Yeah.

DICKHOLE: Will you two just stop talking?!

> Of course not

> Were stalling for time

[They’re heading in.]

???: Hey, dickbag!

話者: ソング ハナ

JESSE: I like how, instead of disarming them, she just decided to ram into them.

> Its faster

> Plus it looks cooler

???: Sanjay.

話者: バスワニ サティヤ

DICKHOLE: Agent Symmetra.

> God that teleporter is so cool

> Why am i so bad at science

DICKHOLE: So this is where you went after you betrayed us.

JESSE: Don’t act like you didn’t know.

[He’s got a flair for the dramatic. I can respect that, but that's about it.]

SATYA: I didn't _betray_ anyone.

SATYA: Vishkar lied to me my _whole life._ You said we were creating a better world, for the greater good of everyone. You took me away from my family, raised me to swallow every lie, to follow whatever you said because I was _special,_ I was going to _save this world._ You took advantage of me, and if you ever think I will go back there and leave behind Overwatch, to leave behind people who love and _care_ about me, more than you people ever did.

SATYA: It is my _home._ And it is my _family._

SATYA: It we are going to do what Vishkar never can.

SATYA: We are going to make a better world.

SATYA: Now, _let him go._

DICKHOLE: These people are criminals, and so are you.

DICKHOLE: I’ve alerted the UN that Overwatch, an illegal organization of vigilantes has broken into Vishkar and damaged our property and injured numerous employees.

DICKHOLE: _You_ might be able to get off with no charges if you rejoin us, Satya.

SATYA: …

HANA: Hey, asshole! Step off!

DICKHOLE: I’m not going to do that.

LÚCIO: You’re such an dickhole, Korpal.

> LÚCIO!!! Youre alive!!

HANA: Lúcio!

SANJAY: What?! He should be -

LÚCIO: I’ve broken out of Vishkar buildings like three times now.

LÚCIO: One time I did it without my _legs._

LÚCIO: You really think I couldn’t do it again?

> Hey

> Thats my sword!

LÚCIO: Yep!

LÚCIO: And, hey, what’s this I have?

LÚCIO: Oh! Top secret files containing secrets on every illegal thing Vishkar has done and covered up? Bribery? Arson? Stealing kids from their homes? Wow, how terrible would it be if this got out?

SANJAY: You -

> Just fuck off already youve lost

SANJAY: I have a gun pointed at your head!

> Ive seen worse

> Try a pair of dragons

> And a sword

SATYA: But will you shoot them?

SATYA: If you do, what will happen?

SATYA: Not only will every Overwatch agent on this mission, including me, stop at nothing kill you, but we will release these files on Vishkar to the public.

SATYA: And I assure you, we have the means of doing so.

SATYA: You will be responsible for your own death, and the death of your corrupt, lying excuse of a company.

SATYA: Let them go, Korpal. Or else.

DICKHOLE: ...Stand down.

> Nice

LÚCIO: That’s what I thought.

LÚCIO: Now, you’re going to -

D.VA: Did you seriously just try and shoot Satya?

D.VA: Do you even know what my mech does?!

DICKHOLE: How the hell did you block a _bullet?!_

D.VA: _Do you know who I am?!_

LÚCIO: Alright, so I was going to let you off easy? But you know what?

LÚCIO: Does anyone know how high up this building is?

FAREEHA: About ten feet.

LÚCIO: Well, I could survive that with my skates.

LÚCIO: Dunno about you, though.

DICKHOLE: You’re not seriously going to throw me off a _building._ You know what that would do to Overwatch’s reputation?

SATYA: I’m certain that in the news tomorrow, Overwatch throwing a man off a building will not be the biggest concern.

SATYA: Enjoy the hospital, Sanjay!

SOMBRA: God dammit.

> How are you so QUIET

SOMBRA: You didn’t say boop.

SOMBRA: You missed a huge opportunity there.

SATYA: ...Can we do that again?

PHARAH: I think both of his legs are broken.

MEI: ...That didn’t feel very heroic.

D.VA: Meh. Who cares.

LÚCIO: Yeah, Korpal’s an asshole.

LÚCIO: He’s tried to kill me three times!

JESSE: Should we call an ambulance?

SATYA: …

SATYA: Fine.

SATYA: But only after we leave.

FAREEHA: The transport should be here soon.

* * *

ZENYATTA: Genji.

> Master?

> ...You know you still have the angry eyebrows on

ZENYATTA: I am aware.

> Is everything okay?

ZENYATTA: I am… cross with your actions.

> Oh

ZENYATTA: You put yourself in a great deal of danger

ZENYATTA: I admire your selflessness towards your boyfriend, but you cannot continue to put yourself in harm’s way without consideration.

ZENYATTA: I have lost one brother.

ZENYATTA: I do not wish to lose another.

> ...Im sorry

ZENYATTA: Now, I can finally remove these sticky notes.

> No i think you should keep them

ZENYATTA: The student becomes the master.

* * *

D.VA: LÚCIO!! WHAT THE FUCK!!

D.VA: I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU AND YOUR DUMB FROG ASS!!!

LÚCIO: what

LÚCIO: why

D.VA: YOU WERE _KIDNAPPED_ BY _VISHKAR!_

LÚCIO: yeah thats happened before

D.VA: YOU COULD HAVE _DIED!_

LÚCIO: ive broken out of vishkar three times

WINSTON: How did you escape?

76: you don't have legs right now.

LÚCIO: well before they tried to interrogate me i found the blindspot of the security camera and hacked into it to loop the footage

SOMBRA: called it

LÚCIO: then i faked a heart attack

ANA: what the fuck

SYMMETRA: That escalated...

SYMMETRA: Quickly.

SYMMETRA: Also, it doesn't seem like Vishkar's style to care.

LÚCIO: oh no they didnt care at all

LÚCIO: but they did come in the room to watch so i knocked all them out

MCCREE: without legs?

LÚCIO: i had my prosthetics but they were all deactivated

LÚCIO: they had some kind of emp thing

SOMBRA: Hey! That's my tech that I stole that they stole!

SOMBRA: wait.

LÚCIO: anyway my legs were useless so i basically just used them to whack them a whole bunch until they passed out

LÚCIO: then i stole their clothes and shoved them all into a utility closet

ANA: classic move

ANA: jack and i did that in haiphong

ANA: remember?

76: i try to forget.

ANA: that was a fun mission

76: we nearly died

ANA: wouldnt be the first time

76: heh

ANA: lmao

REINHARDT: I BURIED YOU

LÚCIO: then i crawled up to the side to go through the vents

MCCREE: why did you steal their uniform though

LÚCIO: insult to injury

LÚCIO: Also i drew dicks on their faces

REINHARDT: NICE

LÚCIO: but then all the power went out for some reason

SOMBRA: whoops

LÚCIO: so i kinda just crawled around until i saw something

TRACER: lucky youre so short

LÚCIO: youre like eighty percent leg shut up!!

**[JESSE MCCREE] changed channel name to [80% LEG LESBIAN].**

SYMMETRA: And then you accidentally stumbled on Sanjay threatening Genji?

LÚCIO: oh no that wasnt an accident

LÚCIO: genji was talking really loudly and i just followed his voice

LÚCIO: i love listening to him even if he was complaining <3

GENJI: I feel insulted but also i love you

D.VA: wow gay

* * *

MCCREE: boss

MCCREE: why are you here

REAPER: Why are _you_ here.

MCCREE: i live here???

76: nice mug.

MCCREE: wait

MCCREE: what the fuck

SOMBRA: HAH

GENJI: What what does it say

GENJI: No i WILL text and have surgery angela dont try and stop me

MERCY: Stop.

GENJI: No

LÚCIO: cmon babe

MCCREE: remember that mug i got for boss

MCCREE: as a joke.

TRACER: was it REALLY though??

MCCREE: YES

REAPER: No.

GENJI: Wait

GENJI: THE mug

GENJI: You still have it?

REAPER: It's a perfectly good mug.

LÚCIO: so what does it say?

MCCREE: it says “worst boss ever”

SOMBRA: It says "World's Dad"

REAPER: Take a fucking sip.

D.VA: so what are we going to do about the files?

SYMMETRA: I was going to release them anyway.

D.VA: nice

SYMMETRA: I will take down Vishkar.

ZARYA: Let! Satya! Destroy! Vishkar!

ANA: #LetSatyaDestroyVishkar

MEI: that’s hot

ZARYA: Mei

MEI: SORRY SORRY

MEI: I JUST TYPED IT WITHOUT THINKING

ANA: lol

SYMMETRA: Does anyone have a secure way of reporting this?

GENJI: _@SOMBRA_ _  
_

MERCY: Stop texting!! This is a very delicate procedure!!

GENJI: Why are you texting then

MERCY: Because I know you’ll ignore me if I say it in real life!

GENJI: Www

MERCY: STOP

GENJI: I need healing

LÚCIO: babe

LÚCIO: no

MCCREE: _@REAPER_ why are you asleep on the couch

REAPER: What, am I not allowed to stay here.

REAPER: I just helped you rescue an agent.

SOMBRA: So youre like dropping the whole bold text thing

REAPER: Sure.

ANA: finally

ANA: you took forever to respond to things

ANA: like the omnic crisis reunion dinner

REINHARDT: did we really have to have that next to your graves?

ANA: absolutely

76: yeah.

76: i still don’t get why we invited bastion.

BASTION: dweet doo… (｡•́︿•̀｡)

ANA: he was THERE you asshole

REINHARDT: … _ana._

ANA: listen

BASTION: (;´・`)> bweet bweet

ANA: they really like tea

BASTION: ~~旦_(･o･) doot!

HANZO: Can you even drink it?

BASTION:  ˏ₍•ө•₎ˎ♡旦 phweet phweet

ZENYATTA: Ganymede can.

PHARAH: I didn’t read who said that and I thought Bastion suddenly started talking.

PHARAH: I was so afraid.

ANA: dont be fucking rude hanzo

HANZO: It’s my brand.

MCCREE: babe

* * *

 

GENJI: Hey guess who has two arms again

MCCREE: cant relate

SYMMETRA: Not me.

ANA: is it lúcio

HANZO: Widowmaker.

PHARAH: Hana?

ZENYATTA: Is it Lena?

EMILY: Guys

EMILY: Its obviously amelie

GENJI: Why do i do anything for you people

GENJI: Lúcio overwatch is bullying me

LÚCIO: so who has two arms again

GENJI: _GOD DAMMIT_

* * *

HANZO: /whisper [GENJI SHIMADA]

HANZO: >> Genji. <<

GENJI: /whisper [HANZO SHIMADA]

GENJI: >> Is this going to be your dramatic talk here you say you were worried about me and that I should be more careful. <<

HANZO: >> No. <<

HANZO: >> What did you change my computer password to. <<

GENJI: >> Oh right <<

GENJI: >> I wanted to change it to ‘HanzoShimadaSucks1’ but apparently that was already one of your previous passwords <<

HANZO: >> Yes. So what did you change it to. <<

GENJI: >> Oh i changed it to the entire 69th naruto opening <<

HANZO: >> How the fuck. <<

GENJI: >> Its case sensitive <<

HANZO: >> GENJI. <<

GENJI: >> BYE BROTHER YOURE GREAT<<

**[GENJI SHIMADA] left [80% LEG LESBIAN].**

* * *

D.VA: /whisper [LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS]

D.VA: >> you suck <<

D.VA: >> i was worried about you <<

LÚCIO: /whisper [D.VA]

LÚCIO: >> i would have been fine hana ive survived vishkar before <<

D.VA: >> i don't care!! <<

D.VA: >> you're my friend and i don't want to see you get hurt!! <<

D.VA: >> i've lost too many people already <<

D.VA: >> i don't want to lose anyone else <<

LÚCIO: >> sorry <<

LÚCIO: >> ill be more careful next time <<

D.VA: >> do you wanna play mario kart <<

LÚCIO: >> are you going to let me play yoshi <<

D.VA: >> no <<

LÚCIO: >> you dont like playing him you main rosalina! <<

D.VA: >> no. <<

* * *

SOMBRA: /whisper [REAPER]

SOMBRA: >> So where’s my sweater. <<

REAPER: >> We literally just got back to base. <<

SOMBRA: >> PAY UP GABE <<

SOMBRA: >> OR ELSE <<

REAPER: >> Or else what. <<

SOMBRA: >> I stole your vinyl collection of broadway musicals <<

REAPER: >> YOU DID **WHAT** <<

SOMBRA: >> _Buena suerte!_ <<

REAPER: >> _**SOMBRA** _ <<

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgeYScYe8wI for those curious about chess without limits
> 
> [updates after a month] hey guys
> 
> sorry for the long wait, i've been pretty busy these past few weeks! this was definitely the hardest chapter to write so far. do you know how difficult it is to write an action scene with just dialogue? like what the fuck. i might do more stuff like this in the future but.. it's gonna be a chill couple chapters for a while. if you have any advice on how to improve it i'd love to hear it!!
> 
> also can you believe it's almost been a year since i started this fic? what the fuck. i had no idea how to characterize any of these characters!! gabriel reyes is the real dad of overwatch, no matter what people say.
> 
> anyway i hope you enjoyed and i'll see you in... hopefully less time :ok_hand:


	29. the most important character in overwatch

ANA: hey does anyone else get the feeling were missing someone

ANA: like

ANA: theres supposed to be 25 people in this chatroom i think??

ANA: but i can only see 24

76: yeah, i've been wondering that for a while

REAPER: Holy shit.

REAPER: We forgot Torbjörn.

REINHARDT: oh FUCK

ANA: OH RIGHT

ANA: _@WINSTON_ WE FORGOT TORBJORN

WINSTON: Well. He never responded to the recall, so I assumed he didn't want to be bothered.

WINSTON: He has kids, you know.

TRACER: torblets

76: never say that again

TRACER: well now i have to bring it up as many times as possible

REINHARDT: torbjorn broke his communicator

WINSTON: He. He did?

REINHARDT: he dropped it into a pit of lava that he was working with

76: i still don't get why he works with lava

REAPER: I think I saw him eat it once. Right before Null Sector.

TRACER: bad

WINSTON: He broke it?

WINSTON: So this _whole time_ Overwatch has been active, for an _entire year,_ he just hasn't been aware?

REINHARDT: he is probably annoyed that he was not invited and didnt want to talk to us

ANA: sounds like him

ANA: cant believe anyone would be so petty

REAPER: You didn't talk to me for three days because I ate your field rations by accident.

ANA: yes. 'accident.'

PHARAH: Mom.

WINSTON: Torbjörn was invited! I recalled all agents!

ANA: well its not like he knows that

ANA: hes bitter like that

MCCREE: should we like

MCCREE: ...contact him?

ANA: probably

76: wait.

REAPER: What now.

76: he is not going to be happy at us.

ANA: why

ANA: OH RIGHT WE FAKED OUR DEATHS

REAPER: **Oops.**

REINHARDT: IM still mad at you

PHARAH: Does this mean I'm your best friend, Reinhardt?

REINHARDT: yes. your mother and the others have been delegated to the bad friend list

PHARAH: YES!

ANA: this is terrible

ANA: ive been outranked by my own daughter on the best friend list

REINHARDT: so about torbjorn

76: let's contact him

76: but we should try and break it

76: gently

REAPER: Yeah, because you're the most tactful one of the three of us.

REAPER: Great idea, Jack.

76: shut up

SOMBRA: oh i know how to do it

REAPER: I doubt that.

SOMBRA: gabriel reyes found dead in switzerland

LÚCIO: is he okay

SOMBRA: He's fine but he's dead.

SOMBRA: Rinse & repeat its very easy

76: we are not telling our friend that we're actually alive after seven years through memes.

ANA: no i thought it was a great idea keep going

REAPER: Maybe I should actually work for Talon.

MCCREE: but i thought you

MCCREE:

MCCREE: nevermind

MCCREE: i need a drink

** [JESSE MCCREE] left [80% LEG LESBIAN]. **

ANA: i say that we all just pretend like he already knows and by societal convention hell have to 

REAPER: Have you ever had a conversation with another person in your entire life.

ANA: no

REAPER: I don't know what I expected.

WINSTON: Well, while you were all talking about being very bad at deciding what to do. Which was literally your jobs.

WINSTON: I contacted Torbjörn through a secure channel.

SOMBRA: i JUST hacked it rn

WINSTON: Through an almost secure channel.

WINSTON: And explained the situation to him. He says he'll be willing to join and is heading over. It should take a day, at most.

WINSTON: I did _not_ tell him you three are alive.

WINSTON: That's on you.

ANA: i still say the societal convention thing

76: let's just pretend we're still dead

TRACER: wow!! thats a really bad idea!!

REAPER: I am not going to participate in this.

ANA: goddammit gabriel

76: gabe

REAPER: Jack.

MERCY: You know, you could just be upfront about it and honest as soon as he gets here.

MERCY: Like normal people.

PHARAH: That's what I would have appreciated.

REINHARDT: ^^

76: what about a cake that says "sorry for faking our deaths"

ANA: yeah lets just do that

MERCY: Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.

* * *

D.VA: sorry i missed all of this conversation i was writing clickbait articles about myself

D.VA: did you know that people think i am straight

D.VA: ...

D.VA: hey what the fuck is a torbjorn

* * *

**[WINSTON] added [LINDHOLM TORBJÖRN] to [80% LEG LESBIAN].**

** [LINDHOLM TORBJÖRN] entered [80% LEG LESBIAN]. **

TORBJÖRN: You people are terrible and i hate you all

TRACER: so it went well then!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy one year anniversary. i finally put torbjorn in for real. why did i not put him in for 24 months? because i am bitter and the first ten chapters are Bad Writing. sorry for the torb fans out there
> 
> real genuine post about oecc is here (on my blog. which you should follow winks but with both eyes)


	30. bad team management

D.VA: LEGSBIAN

PHARAH: What?

D.VA: IT WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF OUR FACES

D.VA: _@MCCREE_ HOW COULD YOU HAVE MISSED THIS

MCCREE: FUCK

**[JESSE MCCREE] changed channel name to [LENA OXTON PROFESSIONAL LEGSBIAN].**

TRACER: yknow im surprisingly ok with this

WIDOWMAKER: How surprising.

** [WINSTON] reentered  **[LENA OXTON PROFESSIONAL LEGSBIAN]**. **

WINSTON: @REAPER Did you break Doomfist out of prison?

REAPER: Oh they finally released that news

REAPER: Yeah that was about a month ago.

WINSTON: WHY?!

REAPER: I work with him

MCCREE: b

MCCREE: CAN YOU JUST PICK A SIDE ALREADY

REAPER: Hm. Interesting concept

SOMBRA: casi como los escritores no escogen también

PHARAH: What?

SOMBRA: Don't think too hard about it

REINHARDT: so are we adding doomfist or

WINSTON: We aren't adding Doomfist.

WINSTON: Besides, Sombra banned them. Remember?

TRACER: no

PHARAH: It was like two weeks ago, Lena.

TRACER: what?

TRACER: it feels longer

LÚCIO: probably because we were kidnapped

SOMBRA: oh no that wasnt doomfist

SOMBRA: dont you know anything about ogundimu?

TRACER: i remember being punched out of the timeline

GENJI: I remember being thrown into a car

SOMBRA: Well, if you had bothered to remember properly.

SOMBRA: He's a tactical genius. He'd never act like that, even if he was defeated by a monkey.

WINSTON: Scientist.

D.VA: then who was it?

SOMBRA: easy

SOMBRA: An imposter

SOMBRA: someone who wants the title of doomfist since ogundimu hasn't been out of jail for six years

SOMBRA: They're the one who knocked you out!

GENJI: I guess the punch was different this time

SOMBRA: i though it could be akinjide adeyemi but then i remembered he died jajajajaja

SOMBRA: turns out it was some grunt trying to make a name for himself

SOMBRA: what was his name?

SOMBRA: theo

SOMBRA: thomas

SOMBRA: todd

REAPER: Terry.

SOMBRA: Terry!

D.VA: this is why i'd never work at talon

PHARAH: Also because they're the bad guys?  


D.VA: that was kind of assumed yeah

WIDOWMAKER: The health insurance is terrible.

D.VA: was that a joke

WIDOWMAKER: Perhaps.

SOMBRA: You would not BELIEVE the shit i had to do to get akandes gauntlet back to numbani like

SOMBRA: _i_ had to track down the person who beat the shit out sparrow and amari, kill him, take the gauntlet, HIDE the gauntlet again. it was such a pain

SOMBRA: gabe barely did ANYTHING he like called the transport and was just outside ogundimus cell before he punched his way out of prison

D.VA: he did what

REAPER: He punched his way out of prison.

D.VA: what the _fuck_

WINSTON: We can discuss this later - first of all we're not letting Doomfist into the chat. This is the final decision.

JUNKRAT: ARE YOU KIDDIN ME

JUNKRAT: THIS GUY SOUNDS GREAT!

TRACER: no

SOMBRA: booo let doomfist in

SOMBRA: cmon gabe you agree right

REAPER: I mean. There is direct evidence of me going against Talon ideals to assist Overwatch.

SOMBRA: he probably already knows about that anyway

REAPER: Akande was in jail for six years.

SOMBRA: Like that'd stop him.

ORISA: if I may add my input

ORISA: if Doomfist is to be added to this channel

WINSTON: Which he won't.

ORISA: Efi and I would be okay with that

TRACER: what

GENJI: What

ORISA: yes! I have a program just for the occasion

SOMBRA: come on scientist, you wouldn't want to let down sweet perfect orisa for this, would you?

WINSTON: ...

ORISA: I will be temporarily going idle in order to prepare the program

** [ORISA] went idle. **

D.VA: i love orisa so much

MCCREE: we do already have a bunch of talon agents in here

WINSTON: Don't remind me.

SOMBRA: well times up i'm just gonna go ahead and do it anyway

WINSTON: Why did you even bother asking.

SOMBRA: cause i'm a polite person

WIDOWMAKER: Sure.

**[SOMBRA] added [AKANDE OGUNDIMU].**

**[SOMBRA] changed [AKANDE OGUNDIMU] name to [DOOMFIST.]**

D.VA: how did you even get a communicator for him?

SOMBRA: stole it from tracer

TRACER: i havent even lost one in like a month!

SOMBRA: i copied it and gave it back dont be ridiculous

DOOMFIST: ...What is this?

SOMBRA: hiiii akande!!

SOMBRA: Guess what this is!

DOOMFIST: ..."Lena Oxton Professional Lesbian."

TRACER: its true!!

DOOMFIST: Looks like some kind of Overwatch group chat.

DOOMFIST: What has Talon been doing since I've been gone.

PHARAH: Mostly it's been failing missions and losing to Overwatch.

MCCREE: damn cold

DOOMFIST: Why are there no chairs in the base?  


DOOMFIST: It's just cardboard boxes.

SOMBRA: we havent had the time to assemble them

REAPER: **Yes, we have. We just haven't done it yet.**

GENJI: Oh shit the bold text is back

DOOMFIST: You're in here as well?

REAPER: **Unfortunately.**

DOOMFIST: You are all oddly calm about several Talon operatives having a presence in your "emergency channel."

D.VA: probably cause it's not really an emergency channel

D.VA: it stopped being one like

D.VA: five minutes after it was reopened

LÚCIO: it was less than that

DOOMFIST: Lúcio.

LÚCIO: uh

LÚCIO: yeah that is my name

DOOMFIST: I listened to your album in prison.

LÚCIO:

LÚCIO: cool

LÚCIO: /whisper [GENJI SHIMADA]

LÚCIO: >> i just googled him and hes so tall <<

LÚCIO: >> hes like twice the size of me why are people so big <<

LÚCIO: >> I WAS ALREADY PRETTY SHORT AND THEN I LOST MY LEGS WHY IS MY LIFE LIKE THIS <<

DOOMFIST: So let me get this straight.

D.VA: not in this channel

DOOMFIST: Yes. Hilarious.

DOOMFIST: Not only do you have four Talon operatives.

SOMBRA: three

DOOMFIST: ...?

SOMBRA: widow left talon

DOOMFIST: Why?

MCCREE: long story short there was a monkey involved

DOOMFIST: It's always the monkeys.

76: /whisper [REAPER]

76: >> so is he your boss <<

REAPER: /whisper [SOLDIER 76]

REAPER: >> No. We work together <<

76: >> and you just accepted that he's in this channel <<

REAPER: >> I'm just hoping he doesn't scroll up. <<

76: >> good plan <<

REAPER: >> It's better than what yours would have been. <<

76: >> oh yeah? <<

REAPER: >> Fake your death a second time and go under an even worse callsign <<

REAPER: >> Soldier: 77 <<

76: >> you have no proof that would have been my plan <<

REAPER: >> I don't need proof, Jack. I know you. <<

DOOMFIST: You have three Talon operatives in your emergency channel, one civilian, and sensitive information.

PHARAH: The only sensitive information we have in here is the existence of Jesse and Hanzo's dog.

MCCREE: FAREEHA

WINSTON: You have a _dog?!_

MCCREE: NO

HANZO: No.

WINSTON: There aren't any pets allowed on base!

MCCREE: but what about ganymede!

WINSTON: Ganymede is a bird!

MCCREE: REEHA YOURE THE WORST

PHARAH: Oops.

WINSTON: For the last time, there are no dogs on our watchpoints!

WINSTON: They just run right off the thing!

D.VA: that's oddly specific

REINHARDT: well always remember you captain borker

PHARAH: YOU SAID HE WENT TO A DOG FARM TO LIVE WITH OTHER DOGS!!

ANA: oops

MCCREE: pecans a good dog you cant do this

HANZO: If anything happens to Pecan I would kill everyone on base and then myself.

LÚCIO: there was a dog on base and you didnt tell me

LÚCIO: this is the worst day of my life

DOOMFIST: How have you been losing to these people.

REAPER: I ask myself that question ever day.

** [ORISA] reentered [LENA OXTON PROFESSIONAL LEGSBIAN]. **

DOOMFIST: And you must be the scrapheap the little girl fixed.  


ORISA: I have been preprogrammed for this interaction

DOOMFIST: Yes?

ORISA: @DOOMFIST Fuck you.

DOOMFIST: ...

ORISA: @DOOMFIST Fuck you.

SOMBRA: oh my god

ORISA: @DOOMFIST Fuck you.

DOOMFIST: ...Is.

ORISA: @DOOMFIST Fuck you.

DOOMFIST: Is that the whole message.

ORISA: yes.

ORISA: while I do not approve of using swears i understand that this is an appropriate time for them!

D.VA: i love you so much orisa.i don't think you understand but you are literally the best part of this channel

ORISA: thank you miss D.Va! ^U^

DOOMFIST: I hope the little girl gave you more than a new coat of paint.

ORISA: You would be surprised.

DOOMFIST: Hm.

* * *

PHARAH: So Talon's kind of a disaster, right?

76: you say that like overwatch isn't

PHARAH: At least we don't murder each other.

REINHARDT: debatable with jacks cooking

ANA: OH SNAP

DOOMFIST: Believe me, that will not be the case much longer.

SOMBRA: Hey weve successfully completed three missions together. Widow got mondatta

TRACER: amé works with us now

SOMBRA: still a success!

SOMBRA: and doomfist broke out of prison

SOMBRA: what we assembled that bookshelf

REAPER: **No, we did that wrong and it fell apart.**

SOMBRA: oh right

REAPER: **So. That's two successes.**

MCCREE: /whisper [SOMBRA]

MCCREE: >> i got a favor to ask <<

SOMBRA: /whisper [MCCREE]

SOMBRA: >> my favorite thing to hear <<

MCCREE: >> i immediately regret this <<

MCCREE: >> dont tell doomfist about reyes <<

MCCREE: >> loyalties? i dunno what to call it i dont even know who he works for <<

SOMBRA: >> Wasnt planning to <<

MCCREE: >> really? <<

SOMBRA: >> I've been doing a little spring cleaning. <<

MCCREE: >> its summer <<

SOMBRA: >> summer cleaning isn't a thing. <<

SOMBRA: >> akande just... wont be able to see certain sections <<

SOMBRA: >> But dont just count on me for this. He knows that gabes a sentimental guy <<

MCCREE: >> well thats awful kind of you. <<

SOMBRA: >> Why would I betray him? I like Gabe, he's useful. <<

SOMBRA: >> and it's a nice piece of blackmail to hold onto <<

MCCREE: >> just "useful?" <<

MCCREE: >> that's all? <<

SOMBRA: >> Yes. <<

* * *

DOOMFIST: Why is there a vinyl collection of Broadway musicals in my office.

D.VA: why are you asking us

DOOMFIST: Because Sombra definitely pays close attention to this particular channel.

REAPER: THOSE ARE MINE

SOMBRA: BOO YOU SPOILED IT

SOMBRA: i had a WHOLE arg set up for it and you had to go and ruin it

SOMBRA: I learned Welsh for that!

SYMMETRA: Why would you learn Welsh.

SOMBRA: for my arg! duh

SYMMETRA: ...

SOMBRA: Stop judging me and go back to like

SOMBRA: reading through those vishkar files

SYMMETRA: Why are you the way you are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't believe i've created an au where sombra killed sci fi terry crews.  
> i should stop trying to guess character's personalities before they come out
> 
> so hi!! i know this chapter is short but i've been super busy the past few weeks - i'm doing a summer program for art and the work's been crazy. but doomfist is here and i love him! if i could rewrite this he'd be gabe's husband hahah
> 
> also, more news, i accidentally deleted my blogs and i had to remake so... self promo? follow me at teamsweetflips and arcaneadagio.... i just put up a fic rec list and i answer questions there. unfortunately this also means i lost the torbjorn chapter, so if any of you kept, it i'd like to repost it there.  
> or maybe it's a good thing it was lost.
> 
> anyway, comment if you liked, tell me i got anything wrong or what i should fix, thank you for reading!
> 
> edit: oh shoot i forgot to post this here uh i made a discord server for overwatch discussion! https://discord.gg/ErawSKX just click if you wanna join
> 
> edit edit: hey everyone!! this fic is going on a hiatus for a while (not like it's much different from regular updates lol). it's not over, details are here: https://arcaneadagio.tumblr.com/post/163622045411/hey-guys-overwatch-emergency-communication


	31. accelerator machine broke

**[LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS] reentered [PLEASE STOP CHANGING THE NAME].**

LÚCIO: hey everyone athena's done going through the vishkar files!!

**[SYMMETRA] reentered [PLEASE STOP CHANGING THE NAME].**

**[WINSTON] reentered [PLEASE STOP CHANGING THE NAME].**

SYMMETRA: There is.

SYMMETRA: Quite a bit more than we expected in there.

76: what do you mean

**[Vishkar has been a business affiliate to Talon.]**

SYMMETRA: They've provided arms and equipment made of hard light to them, in exchange for aid in their development projects.

D.VA: what

SOMBRA: WHAT?!

WIDOWMAKER: Shouldn't you know this.

SOMBRA: yeah, that's why I'm annoyed!!

GENJI: Oh good another vishkar mission this can only go well

WINSTON: We're going to a Talon warehouse mentioned in the report,

WINSTON: We aren't sending you.

GENJI: Wait no i was joking i want to go

WINSTON: We're sending in a group to infiltrate.

GENJI: Yeah i'm looking through the list and if you were going for subtle why did you pick lena?

GENJI: No offense

TRACER: offense taken!!

D.VA: yeah i guess the group does have a lot of offense

D.VA: wait it was a figure of speech i just got it

WINSTON: ...We're not going to do a quiet infiltration.

WINSTON: I think we all learned that is not our specialty.

WINSTON: We literally have a major leader of Talon in this group chat.

D.VA: hahah

D.VA: yeah

GENJI: What??? Hanzo and i are VERY stealthy

HANZO: Don't bring me into this.

D.VA: genji for all your claims of being a stealthy ninja you do yell a lot

D.VA: yes offense

MCCREE: thats not how the phrase works

D.VA: what the fuck english sucks!!

ANA: oh mood

SOMBRA: hey gabe should we like

SOMBRA: ...Do something about this to stop them

REAPER: I'm busy.

SOMBRA: with what

SOMBRA: akande's going to be mad

REAPER: I stole his communicator.

SOMBRA: WHAT NO WAY

SOMBRA: man you really are a terrible bad guy

REAPER: We’re deleting this entire conversation before he gets it back.

* * *

 

[♩] WIDOWMAKER: _Chérie,_ watch your back.

[♩] TRACER: I am i am!!!

[♩] TRACER: Ok so I didn't get a good look before that sniper started shooting but there might be an entrance in the back

[♩] TRACER: Thanks for getting that guy btw

[♩] WIDOWMAKER: _Ça ne me dérange pas._

[♩] TRACER: I totally understood that!

76: Watch your six

[♩] TRACER: mweh mweh mweh I use army lingo and my forehead is really big

SOMBRA: Now that's just a low blow

D.VA: MORE LIKE HIGH BLOW AM I RIGHT ＼(*｀∀´)／

[♩] REINHARDT: /(*｀∀´)人(｀∀´*)／

D.VA: I don't know how you did that with your voice and i don't know if i want to find out

[♩] TRACER: Anyway we should group up and try to storm the entrance

[♩] TRACER: Reinhardt how's your shield looking?

[♩] REINHARDT: BAD!

[♩] TRACER: This might be a little harder than we thought

[♩] ZARYA: I still have my shields, we can try to move in with those and Reinhardt's

[♩] ZARYA: Or what's left of it

[♩] TRACER: Alright sounds good

[♩] TRACER: Now lets get a move

**[TRACER] left [PLEASE STOP CHANGING THE NAME].**

[♩] WIDOWMAKER: Lena!

EMILY: What happened??? Is she okay??

**[TRACER] left [PLEASE STOP CHANGING THE NAME].**

**☐-- ☐☐☐☐ ☐ ☐-☐ ☐ / ☐- -- / ☐☐ / ☐-- ☐☐☐☐ --- / ☐- -- / ☐☐ / ☐-- ☐☐☐☐ ☐ ☐-☐ ☐ / ☐- -- / ☐☐ / ☐-- ☐☐☐☐ --- / ☐- -- / ☐☐** ☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐ **☐☐ ☐ ☐-☐ ☐ / ☐- -- / ☐☐ / ☐-- ☐☐☐☐ --- / ☐- -- / ☐☐ / ☐-- ☐☐☐☐ ☐ ☐-☐ ☐ / ☐- -- / ☐☐ / ☐-- ☐☐☐☐ --- / ☐- -- / ☐☐ ☐-- ☐☐☐☐ ☐ ☐-☐ ☐ / ☐-- ☐☐☐☐ ☐ ☐-☐ ☐ / ☐-- ☐☐☐☐ ☐ ☐-☐ ☐ ☐-- ☐☐☐☐ ☐ ☐-☐ ☐ / ☐-- ☐☐☐☐ ☐ ☐-☐ ☐ / ☐-- ☐☐☐☐ ☐ ☐-☐ ☐ ☐-- ☐☐☐☐ ☐ ☐-☐ ☐ / ☐-- ☐☐☐☐ ☐ ☐-☐ ☐ / ☐-- ☐☐☐☐ ☐ ☐-☐ ☐ ☐-- ☐☐☐☐ ☐ ☐-☐ ☐ / ☐-- ☐☐☐☐ ☐ ☐-☐ ☐ / ☐-- ☐☐☐☐ ☐ ☐-☐ ☐ ☐-- ☐☐☐☐ ☐ ☐-☐ ☐ / ☐-- ☐☐☐☐ ☐ ☐-☐ ☐ / ☐-- ☐☐☐☐ ☐ ☐-☐ ☐ ☐-- ☐☐☐☐ ☐ ☐-☐ ☐ / ☐-- ☐☐☐☐ ☐ ☐-☐ ☐ / ☐-- ☐☐☐☐ ☐ ☐-☐ ☐**

* * *

* * *

* * *

 

* * *

* * *

 

* * *

 

**[TRACER] ʁᴇentered [WATCH LIAO UNHINGE THEIR JAW AND EAT THREE BURGERS AT ONCE DAY].**

TRACER: ☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐ ☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐01001001 01001101 01010011 01001111 01010010 01010010 01011001 01001001 01001101 01010011 01001111 01010010 01010010 01011001 01001001 01001101 01010011 01001111 01010010 01010010 01011001 01001001 01001101 01010011 01001111 01010010 01010010 01011001 01001001 01001101 01010011 01001111 01010010 01010010 01011001 01001001 01001101 01010011 01001111 01010010 01010010 01011001

TRACER: 01010111☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐ ☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐WOAH

TRACER: IM ALIVE!!!

TRACER: IM ALIVE IM ALIVE GUYS DONT WORRY IM OK

MCCREE: what the hell?

TRACER: um

TRACER: time travel?

TRACER: oh and im stuck in

TRACER: somewhere

MCCREE: uh

TRACER: can you get me out of here

MCCREE: i would if i knew where 'here' was

TRACER: i mean i guess

MCCREE: so can you tell us about the future or something?

TRACER: well i _could_ warn you about a lot of things

TRACER: but i dont know if i _should_

TRACER: we havent exactly experimented with messing with the timestream so i figured its best if i try not to touch anything

TRACER: soooo what year is it

MCCREE: 2069

TRACER: nice

MCCREE: nice

TRACER: so

TRACER: whos alive?

MCCREE: do people die in the future

TRACER: not gonna answer that one itll mess with the timestream probably!

MCCREE: so thats a yes

TRACER: im just trying to get a grasp on when i am

TRACER: ok answer this instead whos dead

MCCREE: way to be insensitive

TRACER: sorry

MCCREE: captain amari's gone

MCCREE: lacroix too

MCCREE: shimadas gone to who knows where and he might be dead

TRACER: ...alright

TRACER: sorry jesse

MCCREE: ill live

MCCREE: unless i die in the future

MCCREE: hey did i find a boyfriend

TRACER: i literally just said i cant mess with the timestream

MCCREE: i know im just wonderin

TRACER: im not answering that question

MCCREE: id bet my arm that means yes

TRACER: hahah i wouldnt do that if I were you

MCCREE: what

TRACER: what

TRACER: youre taking this whole time travel thing oddly well

MCCREE: yeah well my weirdness tolerance went way up after the moon gorilla joined the team

TRACER: his names winston

MCCREE: yeah

TRACER: OW

TRACER: found out where i am

TRACER: a broom closet somewhere

MCCREE: specific

**[JACK MORRISON] reentered [WATCH LIAO UNHINGE THEIR JAW AND EAT THREE BURGERS AT ONCE DAY].**

**[GABRIEL REYES] reentered [WATCH LIAO UNHINGE THEIR JAW AND EAT THREE BURGERS AT ONCE DAY].**

MORRISON: what?

TRACER: hi commanders!!

MORRISON: ...hi?

MORRISON: aren't you supposed to be at king's row, lena?

TRACER: and i bet that right now, a version of me is there

TRACER: but also im actually ill just be honest im from the future

MORRISON: oh.

MORRISON: wait, WHAT?!

TRACER: bit of an incident anyway wheres winston?

MORRISON: another situation to deal with.

MORRISON: great.

**[ANGELA ZIEGLER] reentered [WATCH LIAO UNHINGE THEIR JAW AND EAT THREE BURGERS AT ONCE DAY].**

ZIEGLER: Why the hell do you still have a Blackwatch eating competition day. I nearly slipped over hot dog juice and I've had to admit three patients because of food poisoning.

REYES: Because

ZIEGLER: ...Is there an end to that sentence, by any chance?

REYES: Nope

MORRISON: not to mention the complaints from the financial wing

MORRISON: larry says to stop grilling indoors, it's a safety hazard

MCCREE: straight larry can eat my ass

MORRISON: we're trying to keep cordial relations with our staff, mccree.

MCCREE: straight larrys an ass

MCCREE: hes so aggressively heterosexual

MCCREE: we get it you have a wife and cyborg legs

ZIEGLER: Well, that's just incorrect. Cyborg appendages are gay culture.

MCCREE: straight larrys appropriating gay culture then

MORRISON: gabe, make sure mccree doesn't get into a fight with anyone.

REYES: I make no promises

TRACER: uh hi hate to interrupt this little scene but i am currently stuck in the past

TRACER: and a broom closet I think?

TRACER: oh i just got it wow thats really not funny

ZIEGLER: Lena, aren't you supposed to be in King's Row?

TRACER: yes _past me_ is but _im_ from the future because my accelerator broke now can you PLEASE get me out of this closet so i can fix my accelerator the blueprints are inside it

TRACER: wait

**[TRACER] left [WATCH LIAO UNHINGE THEIR JAW AND EAT THREE BURGERS AT ONCE DAY].**

**[TRACER] reentered [WATCH LIAO UNHINGE THEIR JAW AND EAT THREE BURGERS AT ONCE DAY].**

TRACER: sѕнιт ｎｏｔ again

MCCREE: that dont look good

MORRISON: lena, hang on, i'm getting winston

TRACER: bloody ｈｅｌｌ

**[TRACER] left [WATCH LIAO UNHINGE THEIR JAW AND EAT THREE BURGERS AT ONCE DAY].**

* * *

  **[WINSTON] reopened [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL.]**

**[WINSTON] added [HANA SONG], [LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS], [SATYA VASWANI], [HANZO SHIMADA], [JAMISON FAWKES], [MAKO RUTLEDGE], [ALEKSANDRA ZARYANOVA], and [FAREEHA AMARI].**

WINSTON: Everyone, this is an emergency only channel. If you can't talk out loud or if other forms of communication but you must speak to the team, then you should use this channel.

**[TRACER] reentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].**

**[MERCY] reentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].**

**[GENJI SHIMADA] reentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].**

TRACER: blimey this takes me back!! how long has it been since we last used this?

WINSTON: Lena. What part of emergency only did you not understand.

**[HANA SONG] entered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].**

HANA: ooooh, what's this??

HANA: do we have a chat room now?? so THAT'S what those communicators were for!

WINSTON: No, it's not a chat room.

HANA: ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ sure

HANA: how do i change my username?

TRACER: should be in settings!!

**[HANA SONG] changed name to [D.VA].**

D.VA: brb i'll tell lúcio!!!

WINSTON: Don't.

**[TRACER] ʁᴇentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].**

D.VA: what

TRACER_1: ☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐ ☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐υ uh

TRACER_0: lemme guess

TRACER_0: your accelerator broke

TRACER_1: ｙｅah crazy right!!

D.VA: ...is this a time travel thing?

TRACER_0: yeah

TRACER_1: yeah

D.VA: is this going to be common because i'm already confused

TRACER_1: hopefully not!

D.VA: which is which?

TRACER_1: im from your future!

D.VA: did you come here to warn us about something?

TRACER_1: uhhhh

TRACER_1: not really?

GENJI: So

GENJI: I can see this is going as well as it did previously

TRACER_1: its a little different though but

TRACER_1: winston is this gonna do something to the timeline?

WINSTON: Well, you still exist, so presumably your timeline exists as well.

WINSTON: I didn't have the opportunity to test this theory, but I believe that when you go back in time, you create a new timeline. In that timeline, the events play out differently because of your presence, but both timelines are stable.

WINSTON: See, imagine a rope.

TRACER_1: okay okay no time for that i need some tools

**[REINHARDT] reentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].**

REINHARDT: i remember this old thing!

REINHARDT: …

REINHARDT: wait

REINHARDT: why are there two tracers

TRACER_0: long story short time travel!

TRACER_1: just scroll up

**[JACK MORRISON] reentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].**

MORRISON: someone help her now we can’t afford wasting any

MORRISON: time

MORRISON: wait

MORRISON: shit

TRACER_0: OI WHAT

MERCY: Jack?!

GENJI: What

MORRISON: This is Soldier: 76.

MORRISON: Forget I said anything.

MERCY: You really think we're going to believe that.

MORRISON: uh

MORRISON: yes

MORRISON: bye

**[JACK MORRISON] left [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].**

MERCY: Don't you fucking dare!

**[MERCY] left [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].**

TRACER_0: jacks alive???

TRACER_1: ughhh nevermind that i need tools!!

D.VA: you have one his name is junkrat

TRACER_1: nice but also _please_ find some equipment

WINSTON: Where are you?

TRACER_1: i dont know i think im in on top a temple or something?

TRACER_1: oh wait theres the captain yeah im in necropolis

TRACER_1: blimey what a dump

GENJI: What do you mean the captain

TRACER_1: ...wait if i say something it wont break the universe right

WINSTON: It hasn't so far, so, I don't think so?

TRACER_1: captain amari and gabriel are alive doomfist is gonna break out of prison genji you have a wifi network installed in your body gabriel took jacks golf clubs a hacker named sombra is gonna hack into this network widowmaker hates memes none of you can drive make sure widowmaker gives back sombras jacket and PAST ME YOU CAN DROP YOUR COMMUNICATOR DO IT AT LEAST TWICE

TRACER_1: oh and genji dont freak out about hanzo and jesse dating and hanzo likes country music

GENJI: WAIT WHAT

TRACER_1: OH DONT FORGET ABOUT TORBJORＮ ＨＥ ＢＲＯＫＥ ＨＩＳ ＣＯＭＭ ＯＫ ＬＯＯＫＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＭ ＯＵＴ ＯＦ ＴＩＭＥ ＨＥＲＥ

**[TRACER_1] left [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].**

**[JESSE MCCREE] reentered [OVERWATCH EMERGENCY COMMUNICATION CHANNEL].**

MCCREE: howdy

MCCREE: did i miss anything

GENJI: YOURE DATING MY _BROTHER???_

D.VA: what the fuck is a torbjorn

* * *

 

**[COMMUNICATOR MISSION TRANSCRIPT 2054-514-532]**

CPT AMARI: _[Torbjörn, where the hell is that EMP? We can't hold on forever, you know!]_

TORBJÖRN: _[I already told you, I have to modify it! The omnics are upgrading faster than I expected, so I have to work around their modifications!]_

CPT AMARI: _[You useless fucking piece of shit.]_

TORBJÖRN: _[I'd like to see you do this!]_

CDR REYES: _[This isn't the time for arguing, so shut up and get your -]_

CDR REYES: _[What the hell is that?]_

???: ＷＯAH

LT MORRISON: _[What the fuck?!]_

???: OH BOLLOCKS

CPT AMARI: _[Who are you?]_

???: HEY CAPTAIN

???: WHAT YEAR IS IT

CPT AMARI: ...What year? _Who are you?!_

???: IS THIS THE OMNIC CRISIS

LT MORRISON: _[What gave it away?!]_

???: PROBABLY NOT GOING TO GET ANY REPAIRS HERE

???: OH THIS ONES QUICK I GUESS

CDR REYES: _[The hell is happening to -]_

???: SEEYA!

* * *

 

i'll be seeing you later, right?

Of course

you know

i've been thinking

First time for everything I guess

gabe shut up

You still love me

i'm reconsidering

</3

anyway

i was thinking about blackwatch

I'm not mad about the promotion, okay?

well apart from that

it should have been you

they only picked me because i looked "friendlier"

and

Well we all know what that really means

they wanted the white guy from indiana, yeah

just

know i'll always be behind you

;)

shut up i'm trying to be emotional

Hahah

I know

I'm always right behind you too

i guess i'm just worried that it's

we don't spend as much time together as we used to

...Well, the world's not gonna save itself

i guess so

shit

i'm gonna be late for another meeting

adawe's going to kill me

see you later, gabe

Later

i love you

Love you too, Jack

...

oʜ s **hit**

 **ma _y_** _b_ e i should have warned them about the blackwatch files

* * *

**[JACK MORRISON] to [ANA AMARI, GABRIEL REYES]**

JM: gabe, what the hell were you thinking?

GR: What do you mean

JM: this new recruit!

JM: he's from a gang! he killed six people!

GR: he's seventeen, jack

JM: six people!

AA: youre just upset because he insulted you

GR: Oh what'd he say

AA: yeah he called him a "white-haired ancient motherfuckin rich senile old man that better get outta my fuckin way"

GR: I better give him a promotion then

AA: lol

TRACER: ☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐ hｈow does thｉｓ ｔｈｉｎg keep connecting to stuff th **at isnt the emergency ch** annel?!

JM: what the fuck

TRACER: how is that your line every time

GR: How'd you connect to this

TRACER: i dont know!

TRACER: im stuck here

TRACER: ill be out soon enough

AA: who are you

TRACER: youll find out anyway whe **re can i get s** ome repair tools

TRACER: oh fo _r petes sake not_ again caᑎT Iｊｕｓｔ☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐

JM: ...I think the security of this chat's been compromised

AA: yep.

GR: Maybe we need like

GR: A communications channel

JM: won't it need to be official then?

GR: Well we can tell them it'll be

GR: We can ask them to set up like

GR: An overwatch emergency communications channel

AA: oooh official

GR: But really it's just a secure group chat

AA: sounds good to me

GR: Jackie boy wanna make the sale for me

JM: i'm not abusing my position for a fancy secure group chat

GR: but i love you

JM: ...

JM: fine

GR: <3

AA: hahah gay

* * *

  **LOG 7123**

.i found something interesting about blackwatch

.there's a version of the files i found a few days ago where it mentions an agent not found in any copy online and in a few more across the planet

.it doesn't match with the files i found in zurich, los angeles, numbani, route 66, or hanamura

.the agent's name is jesse mccree

.joined blackwatch at 17 from the deadlock gang

.definitely a connection with jesse mccree the vigilante

.theres a mugshot and hes still got the hat

.but i cant stop wondering

.why would this particular agent be gone from almost every file?

.maybe he's trying to cover himself up

.but why? what would we gain from hiding his connection with blackwatch? he's already a vigilante

.it's all connected, somehow

.this is sombra, signing off

 

**LOG 7124**

.looks like talon's after my work

.it's not a bad deal

.i don't care about money like their desperate grunts

.but the connections...

.a chance to find out who's running it

.not to mention the databases

.this could be useful

.this is sombra, signing off

 

**LOG 7125**

.what a pain!

.apparently i have a boss now and he's such a bore

.reaper

.what a stupid name

.this better be worth the effort

.ugh

.he's not even the REAL boss

.i did a little investigating and nobody even knows what the real boss looks like </p>

.there's a million different accounts

.apparently there's an inner circle

.but somebody still has to be in control

.and they always appear when they're needed

.and know everything

.despite dozens of assassination attempts they've survived every time

.

.

.

.

.i get the feeling that reaper knows something...

.this is sombra, signing off

 

**LOG 7126**

.reaper is such

.☐☐☐☐ｗｈｈａt is this??

.how did you get here

.sombra?

.are these

....logs?

.how did you find these?

.wait these arent even connected to the internet

.who are you?

....

.OH

.so this is what it feels like

.hey

.sombra

.8-15-12-1 16-5-18-4-5-4-15-18-5-19

.HEY

.WHO ARE YOU

.ＣＨＥＥＲＳ

.☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐

.

.

.

.

.

.looks like i'll have to delete these logs.

.for the final time, this is sombra, signing off.

* * *

 

GS_SPARROWシステムをリブート中。。。

 

システムの点検中。。。

 

右腕 :　１００％

 

左腕:　１００％

 

視力:　 １００％

 

人工呼吸用装置:　１００％

> _「Fucking dick」_

> _「Who gives a shit about null sector」_

> _「Let them die for all i care」_

???: Hey, Genji!

話者: マックリー ジェ シ

>  _「Annoying shitty fucking」_

MCCREE: Uh, hi?

>  _「Pointless mission going to get us in even more trouble」_

MCCREE: Can you hear me?

> Fuck off

MCCREE: Good mornin' to you too.

MCCREE: You see the stuff boss sent out 'bout the next mission? Never been to King's Row before, y'know. Should be interesting.

> Shut up

MCCREE: Supposed to be even more secretive than usual. Even the UN don't know about this one.

MCCREE: Null Sector won't know what hit 'em.

> Go away

MCCREE: Good talkin' to you, see ya later!

> _「_ _Annoying piece of shit」_

>

>

>

>

???: BLOODY **ＦＵＣＫ**!

話者: レナ オクストン

>

OXTON: Finally not in a bloody _broom closet._ Isn't that _so_ funny, hah hah. Now, where -

OXTON: Oh!

OXTON: Genji!

OXTON: ...Crikey, You look like a gaming computer.

> What the hell does crikey mean

> Wait

> Youre supposed to be sparring me in the lab

OXTON: I'm from the future, okay!

> What

OXTON: C'mon, let's go! I have the blueprints stored in my accelerator!

> This is not my problem

OXTON: Bloody hell, you were such a twat in the past. Glad you met Zenyatta.

OXTON: Fine, I'll go myself. This is just massive coｃｋｕｐ -

>

>

>

>

>

> What the hell is a zenyatta

* * *

 

ｈｅｌ

        lo?

.

.

anyone there?

.

.

.

.

.

bollocks.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

oh man i really did it now

.

.

.

.

where is this place

.

.

.

.

.

.

anyone there?

.

.

.

**WHO ARE YOU.**

**Identify yourself.**

what?

**WHO ARE YOU.**

**how did you get here?**

**Identify yourself.**

i...

i cant answer that

What do you mean?

**ANSWER THE QUESTION, OR WE WILL ERASE YOU.**

wow thats a bad threat uh

whoever you are

you all are?

...are there more than one of you?

This is definitely a trick from the humans.

what? no! i dont even know how i got here

well i have an idea but like

i dont know where i am?

**WE SHOULD KILL THEM.**

**We will do no such thing.**

**THEY'RE ONE OF THE HUMANS.**

oh no no no dont do that

not uh

not a threat!

my hands are up

...i think?

i still dont know where i am

or when i am

or what this is connected to

where am i?

**A space in-between.**

**A network, of sorts. Linking thoughts and messages of our choosing to chosen others.**

you mean a chat group

**...I suppose that would be the closest human equivalent, yes.**

who are you?

 _what_ are you?

are you all omnics?

**HAH**

**they're funny, aren't they?**

**WE ARE ABOVE OMNICS.**

**We are above humans.**

**The names that we have been given are... fitting.**

**EVEN YOU WOULD AGREE**

**You're the ones who called us "Gods" in the first place**

.

oh fuck

**"oh fuck" indeed.**

.

.

**Scanning diagnostics...**

**Accessing blueprints...**

**WHAT ARE YOU DOING.**

**Assisting this human so they may leave.**

youre

.

.

.

.

.

.

**They are gone.**

.

.

.

**DO NOT BE SO SOFT, IRIS.**

* * *

**[TRACER] reentered [PLEASE STOP CHANGING THE NAME].**

**[TRACER] changed channel name to [NO].**

EMILY: LENA

WIDOWMAKER: You're alright.

WIDOWMAKER: _Dieu merci._

TRACER: yeah i

TRACER: uh

TRACER: went to a lot of places

TRACER: is this the present?

TRACER: has anything changed?

D.VA: no everything's the same everyone has sixteen toes, just like normal

TRACER: ...

D.VA: i'm just fucking with you i wouldn't know if anything was different

D.VA: unless you are from a timeline where everyone has sixteen toes

TRACER: nope ten toes ten fingers

D.VA: damn i could've used a couple extra fingers

D.VA: glad you're okay though

TRACER: psh takes more than some busted tech to off me

WINSTON: Lena!

WINSTON: Where are you?

TRACER: gibraltar

TRACER: back in the lab

TRACER: my accelerators... fine

WINSTON: What?

TRACER: its okay big guy

TRACER: im okay

EMILY: Are you alright love?

EMILY: Winston let her take a break okay?

EMILY: Both of you can come to kings row just for a bit please

TRACER: im ok

TRACER: i think i met the god ais

76: what?!

ANA: youre joking

TRACER: im not!

TRACER: i think one of them fixed my accelerator

WINSTON: What?!

TRACER: the blueprints stored inside

TRACER: they were scanning it

TRACER: and

TRACER: ...

TRACER: it was weird

WINSTON: What else happened?

TRACER: a lot

TRACER: i think i created like ten alternate timelines

WINSTON: I knew it was a real theory.

TRACER: congrats big guy!!!

WIDOWMAKER: Are you alright.

TRACER: ill be fine!

WIDOWMAKER: I doubt that.

TRACER: how long was i gone for?

LÚCIO: a day

LÚCIO: we finished the mission

TRACER: anything good?

SYMMETRA: We've located the sites of several arms deals, but I doubt they will continue with those shipments now that they know we know.

TRACER: thats

TRACER: good i think?

SYMMETRA: It makes it more difficult to track Talon down.

SYMMETRA: Along with the arms deal files, we have transcripts of meetings between Talon's leader and Vishkar officials.

TRACER: isnt talon run by a group of people?

SOMBRA: Oh please

SOMBRA: All that bickering and petty feuds?

SOMBRA: theyd never get anything done

SOMBRA: If there's one thing I've learned, there's always a bigger shark.

REAPER: I think you mean fish.

SOMBRA: FUCK ENGLISH

TRACER: ruined your cool moment huh

**[SOMBRA] left [NO].**

**[DOOMFIST] reentered [NO].**

ORISA: Fuck you.

DOOMFIST: Is that really going to go off every time I enter.

ORISA: yes it is in my programming

DOOMFIST: Why was this communicator inside a box containing twelve vinyl disks of 'The Phantom of the Opera' on top of the break room refrigerator?

REAPER: _@SOMBRA_

**[SOMBRA] reentered [NO].**

SOMBRA: it was supposed to be a SCAVENGER HUNT!!!

D.VA: you guys have a break room?

DOOMFIST: Of course we do.

PHARAH: We have a break room too.

LÚCIO: yeah but when was the last time you heard of a bad guy lair with a break room

DOOMFIST: It's not a 'bad guy lair.'

LÚCIO: when was the last time there was a group of good guys named talon

DOOMFIST: ...

SOMBRA: i mean

SOMBRA: She's not wrong.

* * *

 

WIDOWMAKER: /whisper [MEI-LING ZHOU]

WIDOWMAKER: >> We have not spoken much. <<

MEI: >> uh <<

MEI: >> yes? <<

WIDOWMAKER: >> I require your assistance with helping Lena. <<

MEI: >> oh i’m not really the best when it comes to that!! maybe zenyatta? <<

WIDOWMAKER: >> No. <<

WIDOWMAKER: >> Lena and you both share similar experiences. <<

MEI: >> oh <<

MEI: >> i’ll see what i can do <<

WIDOWMAKER: >> ...Thank you. <<

MEI: /whisper [TRACER]

MEI: >> are you okay? <<

TRACER: /whisper [MEI-LING ZHOU]

TRACER: >> course love!! why wouldnt i be?? <<

MEI: >> … <<

TRACER: >> ok you know what <<

TRACER: >> im still a little <<

TRACER: >> shaky but ill be fine!! takes more than a couple timewarps to take me down <<

MEI: >> you know you dont always <<

MEI: >> have to pretend you’re okay and we um <<

MEI: >> detach ourselves so we don’t have to deal with it <<

MEI: >> i know a lot of us do <<

MEI: >> sometimes because we have to <<

MEI: >> but you can’t do it forever!! <<

MEI: >> okay? <<

TRACER: >> okay <<

TRACER: /whisper [WINSTON]

TRACER: >> hey big guy? could i uh <<

TRACER: >> take a couple days off <<

WINSTON: >> Of course! You deserve it more than anyone, Lena.<<

WINSTON: >> Tell me immediately if something starts acting up. <<

TRACER: >> thanks winston <<

TRACER: /whisper [EMILY] [WIDOWMAKER]

TRACER: >> em were coming <<

TRACER: >> love you both <<

EMILY: >> I love you both too <<

TRACER: >> you dont mind if i uh <<

TRACER: >> talk a bit when i get there? <<

EMILY: >> Of course not!! <<

WIDOWMAKER: >> Why would we. <<

TRACER: >> cheers <<

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and we're back! we're approaching i guess what you'd call the finale for oecc! i know some people didn't like the plot chapters, and i do admit it's a little awkward to read through action and plot scenes with the text-only format, but it wouldn't be a very good sendoff if i just. ended it. so, i'll be having some character focused chapters before the Ending.  
> i can't write 20 more chapters for each character, so i'm leaving it up to you guys what characters you'd like to see individual chapters of. (i've already decided on two, but the rest is up to whoever you all seem the most interested in!)  
> i'd also like to thank my new beta reader, sythretention on tumblr! he's great  
> as always, thank you for reading, and leave a comment if you enjoyed!  
> EDIT: also i've started another fic - green means go. it's a superhero gencio au! please read it!


	32. typically this isn't how family bonding activities go but i guess i'll let it slide considering the circumstances (brought to you by chipotle)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S NOT A HALLOWEEN CHAPTER I'M SORRY

ANA: so do we get a cool name

ANA: like rogue squadron

ANA: two and a half amaris and also reinhardt

ANA: triple a threat and also reinhardt

PHARAH: Stop that.

MERCY: What about just ‘unit A?’

PHARAH: We’ll go with that.

ANA: psh boring

PHARAH: Is that so.

GENJI: Wait am i missing something

GENJI: Is there a mission

WINSTON: Not for you, no.

MEI: did you miss the meeting?

GENJI: What meeting

MEI: i guess that answers it then!

SOMBRA: Did somebody say meeting

ZARYA: Nobody said anything

ZARYA: This is a text channel

SOMBRA: HAH

SOMBRA: Youre funny

ZARYA: I was being serious

GENJI: Wait is there a mission whats going on

MERCY: We’re investigating suspicious behavior near the Temple of Anubis.

WINSTON: Agent Pharah and Captain Amari are going for their experience of the area, and Reinhardt and I are going for extra support.

GENJI: You called a whole meeting just for that

WINSTON: Yes.

GENJI: You could have you know like

GENJI: Used the groupchat that we have

WINSTON: Well I mean I guess I could have just avoided telling Talon all that but like I guess not.

WINSTON: It’s okay.

GENJI: Theyre not going to actually do anything

WINSTON: Are you sure.

D.VA: we actually talked about more than that

D.VA: like our food budget

GENJI: Exciting

D.VA: it actually was

D.VA: rein knows a surprising amount of extreme couponing tricks

REINHARDT: the way my mothers taught me!

D.VA: also apparently we’re spending 57000 won a week on boba

D.VA: that’s like… 40 pounds

GENJI: Only 40 pounds?

GENJI: Thats pretty good

D.VA: that’s what i said!

WINSTON: Does anyone have any concept of budgeting at all.

**[Winston, I feel the inclination to point out that you have spent a total of 120 pounds in peanut butter just this week.]**

WINSTON: ...

ANA: #exposed

WINSTON: Please just get on the airship to Giza.

HANZO: So you are eating about four jars of peanut butter a week.

MCCREE: sweetpea how much do you think peanut butter costs

HANZO: The same as a pound of bananas.

HANZO: 40 pounds, I believe the equivalent would be.

MCCREE: what the fuck

MEI: wait that doesn’t even

MEI: do you know how to do algebra? like at all?

HANZO: Simple geometry.

MEI: oh my gosh.

SYMMETRA: That is not how division works.

HANZO: ...I don’t understand.

SYMMETRA: 120 divided by 40. Is three. This is not complicated.

HANZO: That sounds incorrect.

MCCREE: babe

MEI: and another thing

MEI: ...do you think it costs 40 pounds for a pound of bananas?

D.VA: you said the word “pound” a lot there and you need to understand that i can’t actually read

HANZO: Yes. Is there something wrong with my calculations.

MEI: what the fuck, hanzo.

76: what is boba’s?

76: is this a deez nutz setup?

REAPER: Oh my god, Jack. What the hell is wrong with you

REINHARDT: BOBA DEEZ NUTS

MCCREE: wow actually i hate everything about this

**[LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS] changed channel name to [40 DOLLAR BANANA].**

* * *

**_8-17-76_ **

**_2:36_** **_EET_**

Overwatch knows about our plans in Giza.

Or, to be specific, they know that about the existence of our plans.

Cool

You could pretend to be interested.

I’m not a fan of lying

This won’t take too long, right?

I make no promises.

Hhhhhhhhhhh

Stop.

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Stop.

Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Just.

Fine, it won’t take long.

* * *

  **[ANA AMARI] created sub-channel [UNIT A(MARI AND REINHARDT AND ZIEGLER)].**

**[ANA AMARI] added [PHARAH], [WINSTON], [WILHEIM REINHARDT], [MERCY], [JESSE MCCREE], [D.VA], [LÚCIO CORREIA DOS SANTOS], [GENJI SHIMADA], [ORISA], [BASTION], [MEI-LING ZHOU], [ZARYA], [REAPER], [SYMMETRA], [ZENYATTA], [ROADHOG] to sub-channel.**

ANA: dont want talon seeing this

ZARYA: You just added reaper

WINSTON: I think Sombra can see anything she wants to.

SOMBRA: Hell yeah i can!

ANA: well youll probably keep quiet

SOMBRA: you dont know that

ANA: yes i do

MCCREE: why am i here

LÚCIO: were not even on this mission

ANA: cause youre my favorites

D.VA: awwww <3

ORISA: am I a “favorite?” captain Amari?

ANA: what kind of question is that of course you are

ORISA: o(´∀｀*)

BASTION: (⌒▽⌒)☆

ORISA: o(〃＾▽＾〃)o

BASTION: (〃⌒∇⌒)

ORISA: ヾ(^ ^ゞ

D.VA: i could watch this all day

BASTION: (Θ̎Ͻ̫Θ̎)

D.VA: you know actually.

BASTION: (・∧・) ?

D.VA: bastion i love you. But please don’t ever do that again

BASTION: (＾＾)ｂ

MCCREE: hey why isnt hanzo here

ANA: who

MCCREE: ...my boyfriend?

ANA: oh the broody one

ANA: i forgot he existed

MCCREE: HOW

ANA: i dont know names

ANA: i called you cowboy kid for a year because i forgot your name and by the time i realized it it was too late to ask

MCCREE: WHAT

MCCREE: I THOUGHT IT WAS AN ENDEARIN NICKNAME

ANA: it was

ANA: but also i only learned your name after gabriel reminded me of your birthday

MCCREE: i feel like i should be more surprised than i am

ANA: dont feel bad about it

ANA: i still dont know what that dirty trash hobos name is

MCCREE: junkrat

ANA: that sounds about right

MCCREE: you also forgot him

SYMMETRA: And I would prefer we keep it that way.

ROADHOG: (-(oo)-)~

* * *

 

[♩] PHARAH: Necropolis secure.

[♩] REINHARDT: you really lived here?

[♩] ANA: you do what you have to.

[♩] ANA: this place may be tiny and smell like corpses

[♩] ANA: but its better than jacks depression hole

[♩] 76: it’s not a depression hole it’s a sleeping bag

[♩] ANA: sleeping bags that smell like piss and sweat  _are_ depression holes, jack. weve talked about this

GENJI: I bet reyes kn

MCCREE: no

GENJI: How did you interrupt me this is a purely textual conversation

MCCREE: **no**

[♩] ANA: oh i remember these

[♩] MERCY: Are these... security reports?

[♩] ANA: no thats my gaming rig

[♩] MERCY: ...I can’t tell if you’re joking or not.

[♩] ANA: it has pong

[♩] PHARAH: They copy reports coming from Helix so we can read them.

[♩] REINHARDT: with pong???

[♩] PHARAH: Reinhardt.

[♩] ANA: maybe i can meet your old coworkers

[♩] PHARAH: …

[♩] PHARAH: We’ll take shifts monitoring the feeds and making sure nobody spots us.

[♩] PHARAH: We’re not exactly the most… inconspicuous bunch.

[♩] MERCY: What are you talking about?

[♩] PHARAH: Angie. I love you, you know that, right?  
[♩] MERCY: Yes? I love you too.

[♩] PHARAH: But you literally wear a pair of fluorescent angel wings in a bright white outfit.

[♩] MERCY: I don’t understand.

[♩] PHARAH: I’ll go first.

[♩] ANA: no, reinhardt should do it

[♩] REINHARDT: suddenly i dont have eyes!

* * *

 [♩] ANA: …

[♩] PHARAH: …

[♩] ANA: …

[♩] ANA: …

[♩] ANA: …

[♩] PHARAH: …

[♩] PHARAH: …

[♩] PHARAH: …

[♩] PHARAH: …

[♩] REINHARDT: …

[♩] MERCY: …

[♩] REINHARDT: so

[♩] REINHARDT: would anyone like to play cards

[♩] ANA: …

[♩] PHARAH: …

[♩] REINHARDT: i dont actually have cards but i do have a costco membership card and twelve pancake punch card things

[♩] REINHARDT: i always forgot to redeem them

MERCY: /whisper [REINHARDT]

MERCY: >> Reinhardt. What are you doing. <<

REINHARDT: /whisper [MERCY]

REINHARDT: >> its very awkward!! i am just attempting to lighten the mood <<

MERCY: >> With _coupons?_ <<

REINHARDT: >> what would you do <<

MERCY: >> Uh. <<

REINHARDT: >> exactly angela <<

MERCY: >> I would like to do something more, but I don’t want to overstep my boundaries… <<

REINHARDT: >> theyve just been sitting there <<

REINHARDT: >> for ten hours <<

REINHARDT: >> this is even worse than the venice tragedy <<

MERCY: >> You mean Larry’s birthday? <<

REINHARDT: >> yes thats what i said <<

MERCY: >> Larry was kind of an asshole though. <<

REINHARDT: >> oh yeah <<

MERCY: >> I mean, sorry we couldn’t save your arms and also your eye because of the omnic crisis, but cybernetic enhancements should be even better, right? <<

REINHARDT: >> n <<

REINHARDT: >> that is not what i was talking about <<

MERCY: >> What were you talking about? <<

REINHARDT: >> nevermind <<

REINHARDT: >> ive never seen ana this quiet <<

MERCY: >> I tried talking to Fareeha, but she won’t say a word… <<

MERCY: >> I wish I could do something. <<

SOMBRA: >> anyone in this thread smoke weed <<

REINHARDT: >> yes and why are you here <<

SOMBRA: >> free entertainment <<

MERCY: >> It’s a little reprehensible that you view us as your entertainment. <<

SOMBRA: >> Okay so you want to talk about how it’s bad to play with other lives ziegler <<

SOMBRA: >> **Is that what you want to do.** <<

MERCY: >> … <<

SOMBRA: >> Thats what i thought <<

REINHARDT: >> so was the weed a joke? <<

SOMBRA: >> yes? <<

REINHARDT: >> oh <<

* * *

 MERCY: >> So you see my problem. <<

MCCREE: >> reinhardt wants to smoke weed <<

MERCY: >> Why is that the one part you focused on. <,

MCCREE: >> jokes <<

MCCREE: >> btw i have a solution <<

MERCY: >> Really? <<

MCCREE: >> pretend there is no problem until you die <<

MERCY: >> I don’t know what I expected. <<

MCCREE: >> hanzo and pecan are the only two people I can trust with my emotions in the world <<

MCCREE: >> and sometimes boss if he aint actin like an angry cloud <<

MERCY: >> A depressed fratricidal archer, a dog, and your ghost dad. <<

MCCREE: >> i never said it was a good solution ok <<

MCCREE: >> and thats my boyfriend youre talkin about <<

MERCY: >> He murdered Genji. This is a fact. <<

MCCREE: >> still! thats my boyfriend! <<

MCCREE: >> hes very sorry about it <<

MERCY: >> A week ago I heard him threaten to kill Genji again if he kept stealing his slippers. <<

MCCREE: >> thats just how siblings are <<

MERCY: >> ...Your taste in men aside, I just want Fareeha to talk to me. <<

MERCY: >> I can tell this is making her upset, but I don’t know what to do. <<

MCCREE: >> well dont go stickin your nose into other peoples business <<

MCCREE: >> wait till theyre comfortable <<

MCCREE: >> reehall talk <<

MERCY: >> I don’t know what that says. <<

MERCY: >> What is ‘rehall.’ <<

MCCREE: >> FAREEHA WILL <<

MERCY: >> :) <<

MCCREE: >> very funny <<

* * *

**_8-17-76_ **

**_23:57_** **_EET_**

This is a terrible plan

This is our chance to get rid of four Overwatch members.

Might as well broadcast to the whole planet that we’re here

They won’t know it is us.

Yeah, sure

They didn’t suspect us when Anubis reawoke last time.

It was like five minutes, and they only got two people

They can be useful. 

Oh come on!! You can’t seriously think Newbie’ll be able to take them down

We might as well have just strapped a pistol to a dog and thrown it in

Good luck Spot, hope you know how to aim!

.

What is wrong with your plans.

Still better than yours

Sometimes I wonder if you are actually a God AI, or just a predictive text bot shambling along in the semblance of existence.

I’m alive, aren’t I?

Unfortunately.

WOW.

Hah hah hah.

* * *

 

**_1-18-76_ **

**_1:03 EET_ **

It’s not even going to be fun to watch

Anubis’ viewpoints are so busted I can barely see anything

Couldn’t you have like, flown over and installed some better cameras?

No.

.

Spoilsport.

Fifty eight ~MOBILE~ viewpoints and you can’t even get a good spot in Giza

Blame Ana Amari.

She was the one who interfered with the Necropolis expedition.

I will!

.

Are we finished yet? I have stuff to do

I doubt that.

I hate you

Duly noted.

Now calm down, we’re just getting started.

* * *

[♩] PHARAH: What’s happening?

[♩] REINHARDT: it appears to be a lot of images on the screen!

[♩] PHARAH: Reinhardt. You do know how to monitor security reports, right?

[♩] REINHARDT: i dont!

[♩] PHARAH: ...Okay.

SOMBRA: so youre all hacking into helixs security system???

SOMBRA: Wow. Copyright infringement.

[♩] PHARAH: It’s not really hacking, they didn’t even change the passwords since I left.

[♩] PHARAH: Wait what was that about “copyright infringement.”

SOMBRA: im just saying i did it first

[♩] PHARAH: You can’t? Copyright the concept of hacking???

SOMBRA: Well see what my lawyer has to say

TRACER: yeah kind of like how you did blinking to and from other places using winstons tech first

SOMBRA: Wow.

[♩] WINSTON: Um, I’d highly recommend for you four to investigate. I’ll contact Helix security.

[♩] MERCY: Are we allowed to go in there?

[♩] PHARAH: Just because I said I was taking a vacation for a week and then never came back and also stole a power suit doesn’t mean I was fired from Helix.

[♩] REINHARDT: im pretty sure it does

[♩] PHARAH: I haven’t checked my mail in a year, who knows.

[♩] MERCY: Fareeha, I’m pretty sure you were fired.

[♩] PHARAH: People are in danger, let’s go!

[♩] REINHARDT: thats good enough for me!

[♩] MERCY: Oh no.

[♩] MERCY: We’re the impulse control again.

[♩] ANA: such is the life of support

[♩] ANA: just to clarify this isnt that sombra girl right

SOMBRA: I’m thirty and no, it’s not me.

[♩] ANA: anyone younger than i am is an infant

[♩] ANA: like jack

[♩] ANA: hes like six right

[♩] REINHARDT: jack is 57 years old

[♩] ANA: seven alright got it

[♩] ANA: jk he looks like hes got one foot in the grave did NOT age well

MCCREE: maam did you just say the letters ‘jk’ out loud

[♩] MERCY: Yes, she did.

[♩] ANA: gee tee gee

[♩] PHARAH: Alright, let’s move out!

* * *

**_8-18-76_ **

**_1:15 EET_ **

.

.

Anubis.

Wake up.

.

.

.

.

.

00110001 00111000 00101101 00110001 00110100 00101101 00110110 00101101 00110010 00110000 00101101 00110001 00111000 0001010 00110001 00110101 00101101 00110010 00110010 00101101 00110001 00110101 00101101 00110010 00110110 00101101 00110001 00110011 00101101 00110111 00101101 00110110 00101101 00111000

.

Oh, they’re actually awake

You should know better than to doubt my abilities.

Hey, Toast?

Do not call me that.

Mmmmno.

I just wanted to say. The way you talk is probably the worst part about you

The second worst is your ability to properly wake up anubis

Is this an extensive list.

Oh, yeah

Third is your lack of appreciation for my very good names for you

.

.

.

 

01010010 01001110 01000110 01010100 01010010

         A

M

U

.

.

G

A

I

I

G

I

.

.

.

“A second.”

They’re semi functional.

Uh huh. That was  _definitely_ worth all the effort

Another great plan from our almighty leader

Quiet.

.

.

 L   A 

T

M U     GI

.

.

Actually, this is embarrassing to watch.

I didn’t think the Helix attacks would be this bad

Who cares. They should be able to handle this.

.

Anubis, if you can’t deal with it, you deserve whatever happens.

Learn to deal with it like the rest of us.

.

L

T

L

S

* * *

**_8-18-76_ **

**_1:20 EET_ **

Hey, what do Overwatch and bugs have in common?

If you destroy one, a million others pop up

Charming as usual.

Oh, shut it

I’m not the one being thwarted by some morons in spandex

Overwatch does not all wear spandex.

Oh, I forgot, you like spandex.

I do not.

Mhm

Sure.

.

.

I just remembered - they had those awful blue outfits

You ever wear one?

.

Think about what you’re asking.

Did I, a being without the constraints of a physical body, above omnics and humans alike, ever wear an “awful blue outfit.”

You know what I mean!

Ugh I wish Gaia was here. They’d laugh

Well, the Aussies blew up Gaia, so tough luck.

You’re stuck with me.

.

GA

IA

.

Gaia’s deactivated.

.

.

GONE ?

.

That is what I said.

 

.

So about the spandex.

It would be helpful if Anubis were to get rid of the doctor and Fareeha Amari.

Stop changing the subject!

.

A

M

             ARI

Now we’re getting somewhere.

re you sure Anubis can handle this?

They understand what I’m asking, don’t they?

No, it’s just…

.

.

.

.

.

A

M

 

 

I

.

.

.

.

Yes?

It’s nothing

.

.

Why couldn’t they have sent Pink

She’d be fun to watch

Your obsession with Captain Song better not become an issue.

Relax, hardass

Nobody ever beats me twice.

I sincerely doubt that.

* * *

 MERCY: ...What was that sound?

ANA: i dont know

**CONNECTION ESTABLISHED.**

WINSTON: Athena, what’s wrong?

[♩] ANA: so all the doors just closed so thats good

**[There appears to be an unknown virus attempting to infiltrate our systems.]**

WINSTON: Run anti virus protocols, I’ll see what I can do.

**[Running anti virus proto**

**]**

**]**

WINSTON: Athena?

WINSTON: Athena, are you there?

**[S**

**omething’s here.]**

.

.

.

**AMARI.**

[♩] PHARAH: What -

** AMARI. **

** AMARI. **

[♩] PHARAH: ...Someone’s watching us.

[♩] ANA: where?

[♩] PHARAH: ...Anubis.

** FAREEHA **

** ANA **

** AMARI **

** I REME **

** MBER **

** YOU **

[♩] PHARAH: ..

** Y **

** YO **

**   U **

** R **

** YOUR **

** WON’T **

[♩] PHARAH: What do you want?!

** WE WON’T **

**             FORGET **

** WE ARE **

** WE ARE. **

** WE ARE **

[♩] ANA: well. this looks bad.

**[PHARAH] went offline.**

**[ANA AMARI] went offline.**

**[MERCY] went offline.**

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] went offline.**

76: fuck

* * *

**_8-18-76_ **

**_1:28 EET_ **

Hey, hey, hey, what’s this?

Anubis is connecting to something

.

.

You think we could hack it?

.

I could try.

.

.

.

.

.

So… keyword was “try?”

Why don’t you do it, then?

Maybe I will

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Uh

Mhm.

Shut up!

I just need a stronger signal, okay?!

It’d be easy if I was closer

Yes, because you are going to be able to do that.

Shut up.

Your plan still isn’t working

There’s a distinct lack of dead overwatch agents

Give it time.

Patience is a virtue.

Shut the hell up.

* * *

MCCREE: what happened?

WINSTON: Something interrupted their signals. I’ll try to establish another connection.

MCCREE: well hurry up already!

SOMBRA: So, this is a god AI?

SOMBRA: Always wanted to talk to one of you.

.

.

.

.

.

SOMBRA: I was expecting someone a little more verbose, though.

YOU 

               ARE

SOMBRA: you can do it

.

.

.

**[Virus purged.]**

SOMBRA: aw man

**[Winston, Agents Pharah, Ana, Reinhardt, and Mercy cannot be contacted.]**

* * *

**_8-18-76_ **

**_1:30 EET_ **

Connection increasing.

Anubis is reestablishing control within the temple.

Took control of a few sentry turrets on the way.

C’mon newbie, you can do it

DO N’T

CA

 L

.

.

THAT

.

Newbie

OLDE

R

THAN YOU

.

.

Hey, you think you could get a transcript in here or something?  
My connection is still total shit

Deal with it.

I will not!

Fine.

.

* * *

FAREEHA_A: Angie, are you okay?

ANGELA_Z: I’m fine, what happened?

FAREEHA_A: We’ve been disconnected from the channel.

ANGELA_Z: Captain Amari, Reinhardt, are you two okay?

REINHARDT_W:  Of course! Takes more than that to scare me.

ANGELA_Z: ...I never said anything about being scared.

ANA_A: This is definitely Anubis.

FAREEHA_A: Yes, I can tell.

ANA_A: What happened the last time you fought it?

FAREEHA_A: It took control of the security bots and killed two people… but I couldn’t destroy the main server.

REINHARDT_W: How did you take it down last time?

FAREEHA_A: A feedback loop. It was connected to all the security bots, so paralyzing one of them took down the whole system.

Wow. Didn’t Newbie ever update?

Too paranoid.

They didn’t want to shut down while installing them.

Even now?

Even now.

But it won’t be a problem.

FAREEHA_A: Helix updated the software of the security bots so Anubis couldn’t take control again.

FAREEHA_A: Besides, I don’t even know how to initiate a feedback loop for these things.

ANA_A: What did I send you to those expensive universities for, then?

FAREEHA_A: I studied engineering, not outdated programming conventions for murderous AIs.

FAREEHA_A: You’d know that if you hadn’t faked your own death and vanished for a decade.

REINHARDT_W: …

REINHARDT_W: (Awkward.)

ANGELA_Z: We can all hear you. Your whisper is a normal speaking voice.

REINHARDT_W: (I know what I said.)

REINHARDT_W: If we had signal we’d be able to ask Torbjorn but…

ANGELA_Z: Anubis cut all contact.

ANGELA_Z: Verdammt.

FAREEHA_A: It’ll be okay. We just need to think of a new strategy.

FAREEHA_A: Anubis’ central processor should be located in the main hall. Looks like a jackal, has red eyes when activated.

ANA_A: Classy.

Wow. Outdated

You also have a central processor.

Yeah, but mine doesn’t look like a giant, very visible clay jackal

Yours is still visible.

Rude?

Anubis, you really need to take better care of yourself

It would be a lot easier if they had a more updated system.

You as well.

Well we can’t all get the latest tech!

If you want to go deep sea diving to install something better, be my guest

FAREEHA_A: We should -

ANA_A: Our main objective is to take down the central processor. Anubis has probably locked all of the entrances, so don’t expect backup from Helix.

FAREEHA_A: Mom -

ANA_A: Adults are talking, Fareeha.

FAREEHA_A: ...I’m thirty two.

ANA_A: We need to find a way to shut down the lights so we can sneak into the main hall to destroy it...

ANA_A: Angela and Reinhardt, you two find the circuit breaker and turn off the lights.

ANA_A: Once you’ve done that, Fareeha and I will sneak into the main hall and destroy Anubis.

FAREEHA_A: That’s too risky, What if there are security drones? We _all_ need Reinhardt’s shield. Besides, the two of them won’t be able to fight off all of the security bots if Anubis sees them.

FAREEHA_A: Which it will.

FAREEHA_A: We should all go together.

ANA_A: Every plan has its risks. The power outage won’t last long.

ANA_A: And you said Helix updated the software, didn’t you?  
FAREEHA_A: Yes, but this is a _God AI_ we’re talking about. We won’t even be able to communicate with Angie and Reinhardt if something goes wrong.

REINHARDT_W: Don’t worry, we’ll be perfectly fine!

REINHARDT_W: I’ve faced off against worst.

FAREEHA_A: It’s not -

ANA_A: Fareeha. My daughter. My beautiful, precious, incredible -

FAREEHA_A: Stop.

ANA_A: I understand your concerns, but this is our best shot at destroying it.

FAREEHA_A: ...Angie, are you okay with this?

ANGELA_Z: ...Ana is right, Fareeha. You won’t have long once the breaker is activated.

FAREEHA_A: …

ANA_A: Alright, everyone. Let’s go.

* * *

**_8-18-76_ **

**_1:57 EET_ **

So

They probably don’t know we can hear them

What gave it away.

Stop acting like you’re funny

That’s my job.

Acting like you are funny?

Shut up you know what I meant!!  
I’d say my acting is rather good.

Uh huh

.

Newbie, double security around your breakers

D_N  ‘T TELL M

E WHAT

T  ☐

DO

F ☐ CKER

Focker

* * *

**_8-18-76_ **

**_2:20 EET_ **

ANGELA_Z: Reinhardt, do you know where you’re going?

W_REINHARDT: ...Left.

ANGELA_Z: So that’s a no.

W_REINHARDT: This temple can’t be that big.

ANGELA_Z: I guess?

ANGELA_Z: I think the circuit breaker should be around…

ANGELA_Z: Uh.

ANGELA_Z: Reinhardt? Do those security bots don’t look particularly… friendly to you?

W_REINHARDT: Not in the slightest!

ANGELA_Z: Okay, good to know it is not just me.

Here we go!!

ANGELA_Z: I think we should run.

W_REINHARDT: Hah! Running! Don’t worry, I can handle them!

ANGELA_Z: Reinhardt, don’t rush -

ANGELA_Z: And he’s gone.

ANGELA_Z: Scheisse.

ANGELA_Z: Okay, you can just leave me here along with my tiny gun.

I like him

You know, he’s probably going to die.

Sometimes you have to accept that things aren’t always eternal, unless you’re an omnipotent God AI with unlimited control.

* * *

HAHAHAH ☐AH _HA

DIE

ANGELA_Z: Reinhardt, get back! We need to retreat!

W_REINHARDT: We must complete our mission!

ANGELA_Z: (Well don’t say I didn’t warn you.)

Oh, maybe they’ll both die.

It’s a possibility.

I’M  G  ☐ING  TO _KILL THE M

Anubis, fix your text, please. It's annoying to look at.

Well maybe you should have done a better job fixing them

ANGELA_Z: I thought that Helix patched them? Why are they attacking?

Don’t they realize that we are literally the most powerful things in the entire world?

Yeah, I’m totally sure some shit bit security measures can prevent us from hacking the security. Good planning!

Be thankful for their ignorance. It makes our job easier.

You know that’s an interesting point. Counterpoint: 凸(¬ω¬)凸

That’s not a counterpoint.

凸(¬ω¬)凸

Stop that.

* * *

**_8-18-76_ **

**_2:24 EET_ **

ANA_A: Why are the lights still on? Angela and Reinhardt should have taken care of them by now.

ANUBIS: AMARI.

ANUBIS: YOU HAVE N ☐ CHANCE OF WINNING.

ANA_A: Shit.

ANUBIS: I BET YOU TH_UGHT YOU WERE . “CLEVER.”

ANUBIS: THAT YO_ COULD OU T SMART ME.

Anubis, don’t monologue. It’s so cliche.

Let them have this

ANUBIS: THIS IS NOT THE CASE.

ANUBIS: I COM_LETELY  OVERPOWER YOU IN EVERY SENSE OF THE W ☐RD. YOU ARE SURROUNDED.

ANUBIS: THIS IS NOT A CHANCE FOR N☐GOTIATION

ANUBIS: THIS IS A N UL_TIMATUM

ANUBIS: YOU ARE GOING TO DIE.

ANUBIS: :)

Nice touch

I don’t want to imagine how that would sound.

Colon backwards parentheses

Use your imagination, Toast

FAREEHA_A: Mom, we have to rescue them!

ANA_A: I know that. Let me think.

FAREEHA_A: We have to go!

FAREEHA_A: Now!

ANA_A: Fareeha -

So they’re all running towards the murder robots

Smart

Would you prefer they all attack the  _other_ murder AI?

They’d die faster??

There plan had some inspiration, I suppose. Anubis’ nightvision tracking isn’t the most…

Updated.

SHUT UP.

It is simply the facts.

REINHARDT_W: GO GO GO GO GO

ANGELA_Z: I TOLD YOU NOT TO RUSH IN!!

FAREEHA_A: Angie!

ANGELA_Z: Fareeha!

FAREEHA_A: Everyone, head into the breaker room!

* * *

**_8-18-76_ **

**_2:29 EET_ **

FAREEHA_A: Reinhardt, watch the door.

ANA_A: ...Well, that went badly.

FAREEHA_A: Really? Did it?

FAREEHA_A: Is it so hard to imagine that endangering half of our team with a risky, horrible plan would maybe, actually work out?

REINHARDT_W: OH NO!!

ANA_A: What is it?

REINHARDT_W: ...My coupon fell.

ANGELA_Z: Wh -

ANGELA_Z: Reinhardt, were you holding onto this the entire time?

REINHARDT_W: It’s my last emergency pocket coupon!

ANGELA_Z: Do you just… have coupons in your armor? In a pocket? _Made of metal?_

REINHARDT_W: Don’t you have emergency pocket coupons?

ANGELA_Z: That explains nothing.

 

REINHARDT_W: What kind of self respecting armor-wearing crusader of justice doesn’t have pocket armor for snack coupons!

FAREEHA_A: ...Words of wisdom.

ANGELA_Z: Fareeha, no.

ANA_A: One time I found a crushed juice box in my beret in Venice.

ANA_A: Turns out it was actually poison, but luckily I hate apple juice, so, whoever wanted to kill me was a dumbass.

Hahah.

Nice one.

Quiet.

REINHARDT_W: How do you hate apple juice?

ANA_A: Reinhardt, is this a coupon for chipotle?

REINHARDT_W: I WANTED CHIPOTLE!!

REINHARDT_W: And don’t change the subject!

ANA_A: It’s expired?

ANGELA_Z: Is that a QR Code?

ANGELA_Z: Why does this coupon have QR code?????

ANA_A: It was a fad in the 50s. Don’t ask.

ANGELA_Z: _You have a coupon from 2050? In your pocket?_

FAREEHA_A: ...What is “chipotle?”

REINHARDT_W: How quickly they forget.

REINHARDT_W: What about Denny’s?

ANGELA_Z: ...What?

ANA_A: This is literally the worst possible timeline.

REINHARDT_W: We are going to chipotle after this.

ANA_A: Do you know how many chipotles exist nowadays?

REINHARDT_W: Like three!! It’s the greatest crime of the century.

ANA_A: I think there’s one near Oasis.

ANA_A: I’m on the watchlist, though…

ANGELA_Z: Well, this expired coupon for a chain of restaurants that doesn’t exist anymore probably isn’t going to do much good.

REINHARDT_W: Stop waving it around, it’s fra

* * *

**_8-18-76_ **

**_2:40 EET_ **

Anubis?

Anubis?

.

.

You there?

.

.

Fuck.

* * *

 MCCREE: ok any response yet

SYMMETRA: No, not yet.

MCCREE: hurry up!!

SYMMETRA: Do you even know how computers work.

HANZO: Does anyone.

SYMMETRA: Yes?

**[PHARAH] reentered [40 DOLLAR BANANA].**

**[ANA AMARI] reentered [40 DOLLAR BANANA].**

**[WILHEIM REINHARDT] reentered [40 DOLLAR BANANA].**

**[MERCY] reentered [40 DOLLAR BANANA].**

D.VA: YOU’RE ALIVE!!!!!

[♩] PHARAH: Does anyone know what happened?

[♩] MERCY: It

[♩] MERCY: Just reactivated all of our signals?

[♩] REINHARDT: it must be related to the chipotle coupon

LÚCIO: i feel like im missing a lot of context but im honestly just glad youre alive

D.VA: what the fuck is chipotle

[♩] PHARAH: That’s kind of a leap in logic but honestly it’s all we have at the moment?

D.VA: WHAT’S CHIPOTLE

[♩] REINHARDT: chipotle saves the day again

D.VA: THAT’S NOT AN ANSWER

D.VA: DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT CHIPOTLE IS

MEI: a smoked hot chili pepper typically used in mexican cooking

D.VA: this explains nothing

[♩] MERCY: We are still trapped in the Temple of Anubis with a murderous AI intend on our destruction.

[♩] MERCY: That is still a thing that is happening.

[♩] WINSTON: Um, okay.

[♩] WINSTON: Don’t panic.

[♩] PHARAH: I’m not?

[♩] WINSTON: That was for myself.

[♩] ANA: reinhardt had a coupon with a qr code and when we started waving it around our signal came back

[♩] WINSTON: I’m not sure how much stock we can put into the “coupon QR code” theory, but it looks like this could be your chance for a retreat.

[♩] PHARAH: The doors don’t work like that. Once they’re locked, you have to get an outside member to open them.

[♩] ANA: wow convenient

[♩] PHARAH: I’m not the one who created these systems.

**[PHARAH] went offline.**

**[ANA AMARI] went offline.**

**[MERCY] went offline.**

**[REINHARDT WILHELM] went offline.**

MCCREE: FUCK

* * *

**_8-18-76_ **

**_2:47 EET_ **

And we are back online.

Looks like you’re good for something after all

It appears that they managed to shut down one of the cameras, albeit temporarily.

Currently investigating how.

Maybe they just shot it? With like? A gun?

Improbable. The cameras are well secured and hidden to avoid such incidents.

My guess is the QR code.

_ IS A GUN LESS PROBABLE THAN A QR CODE????? _

In this particular situation, yes.

I’m scanning for bullshit

Look at that

It’s everywhere

.

Maybe you’re the one who was scrambled by Overwatch

Your logic knows no bounds.

FAREEHA_A: Great. No more signal.

ANA_A: We can split up from here. Fareeha and I can sneak out while you two -

FAREEHA_A: Absolutely not.

FAREEHA_A: We are not doing the _exact same thing_ as last time.

FAREEHA_A: There’s not even an exit to “sneak out” of!

FAREEHA_A: I don’t know why you’re acting like you’re in charge, or why you think I can’t handle this.

FAREEHA_A: I’ve led missions, I’ve _fought Anubis!_

FAREEHA_A: I’m more qualified than a woman who decided to run away from her entire team and abandon the mission once her _ego_ was shattered!

ANA_A: Don’t talk back to me, young lady.

FAREEHA_A: And there’s another thing! How old do you think I am?

FAREEHA_A: I’m thirty two - not _twelve._ I’m not going to bow down and accept whatever you say.

You left me - you left your _family,_ and whenever I try to mention it you ignore reality so you can go back to nursing your wounded pride!

FAREEHA_A: Were you embarrassed? Because the great Ana Amari, the _unconquerable_ Ana Amari couldn’t win a sniper battle?

ANA_A: Fareeha -

FAREEHA_A: We spent years mourning you, and for what? For you to come waltzing back into our lives, pretending like everything’s okay, but it’s not! I thought I lost you, without -

FAREEHA_A: ...Without ever getting to say goodbye.

ANA_A: …

FAREEHA_A: ...It’s - this was stupid. Nothing. I shouldn’t have - ugh.

FAREEHA_A: Let’s just go.

ANA_A: ...So, what’s your plan?

FAREEHA_A: I’ll tell you in a second.

* * *

**_8-18-76_ **

**_2:55 EET_ **

Hey!!! Stop doing that!

They must have discovered Anubis could hear them.

Don’t worry, the feed will pick up as soon as they are close to another camera.

That’s not what I’m worried about

They’re planning stuff

.

Seriously, nothing?

I’m fully prepared to deal with whatever consequences my actions have.

I’ve already weighed every possibility.

You fucking suck, dude

Duly noted.

* * *

 

FAREEHA_A: And that’s the plan.

REINHARDT_W: Why did you just say “and that’s the plan” without any prompting? You already told us the plan?

FAREEHA_A: No, it -

FAREEHA_A: It was, like, to taunt…

FAREEHA_A: Nevermind.

FAREEHA_A: Now let’s go.

* * *

**_8-18-76_ **

**_3:06 EET_ **

I’ve decided that Fareeha Amari is my least favorite.

Duly noted.

Will you stop saying that? It’s annoying

And don’t say “duly noted” that’s not clever

D.

Fuck you

It’s an easy solution.

Anubis, just send bots to wherever the signal is cut out.

Easy.

CANN OT 

MORE THAN   ONE  BLI_DSPOT

But Wilheim said he only had one coupon.

Wuh woah!! Looks like we’ve finally stumped him!!

Taken down by a fucking coupon.

...Oh well.

Wait, you’re giving up?

I never said such a thing.

* * *

[♩] REINHARDT: oh this is MUCH easier

[♩] PHARAH: What did I tell you!

76: what are you doing?

[♩] PHARAH: Anubis must’ve taken control of the security cameras, and they were tracking us through the security cameras!

[♩] PHARAH: So, we shoot one camera, and use Reinhardt’s coupon to escape to the main hall in a different route!

[♩] PHARAH: There are less bots to take care of, and Anubis won’t know which entrance we’re coming from!

* * *

**_8-18-76_ **

**_3:17 EET_ **

REINHARDT_W: GUESS WHO’S HERE.

So they’re not even trying to be subtle with the entrance huh

I think we should accept that stealth is not Overwatch’s forte.

REINHARDT_W: HAH, TAKE _THIS!_

.

.

.

WAS THAT

SUPPOSED TO DO S

OMETHING

.

HAH

HAHAHAHAHAH

Interesting.

Note to self: coupon can only shut down external operations, not actual God AI.

Convenient.

For us, not them, of course.

ANGELA_Z: Ah, fuck.

FAREEHA_A: Okay, plan B!

REINHARDT_W: We don’t have a plan B?

FAREEHA_A: Now we do!

FAREEHA_A: Reinhardt, Mom, you take care of the bots.

FAREEHA_A: Angie, up there!

ANGELA_Z: Got it!

Anubis, it would be appreciated if you were to actually hit your targets.

Instead of flailing around like a young dog with a machine gun strapped to its back.

TR YI

NG 

Get the doctor!

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

FAREEHA_A: I need a clearer shot. Can we get any closer?

ANGELA_Z: Not really, no -

ANA_A: Angela, watch out!

FAREEHA_A: Angie!

Finally.

You did it, buddy

  DON T CALL ME TH

AT ‘             AT

Only three more to go

FAREEHA_A: Angie, are you okay?

ANGELA_Z: ...Fine. Just damage to my suit.

ANGELA_Z: Also my bones, but I can fix that...

ANGELA_Z: I think... I am blacking out, so, excuse me.

ANGELA_Z: Ah, there I go.

ANA_A: Reinhardt, cover us!

ANA_A: We need a better strategy.

FAREEHA_A: No, really?!

ANA_A: …

ANA_A: You’re upset.

FAREEHA_A: My girlfriend was just shot, of course I’m upset!

ANA_A: Well, yes. But more than that.

FAREEHA_A: ...

ANA_A: Whatever you’re feeling, to me, it’s not “nothing.”

ANA_A: I’m your mother, even if I have been doing a pretty bad job of it.

I’ve decided I actually hate all of them.

ANA_A: You were right, Fareeha.

FAREEHA_A: What?

ANA_A: My intentions when I left.

ANA_A: There was something bigger, something more sinister, and, at the time, I thought escaping was the best chance to discover what was actually happening at Overwatch.

ANA_A: But that’s no excuse. Looking back on it… perhaps I was ashamed. That I had failed everyone.

ANA_A: It was selfish of me to leave you like that. All of you.

ANA_A: I abandoned my family.

ANA_A: When I came back, maybe I thought things could go back to it used to be.

ANA_A: But, again, that was just the hopes of a selfish old woman.

ANA_A: You’re right. Fareeha.

ANA_A: Things have changed, and all I can do is accept that.

ANA_A: I didn’t want this life for you, Fareeha, but that is not up to me.

ANA_A: It’s your decision, and I will support you every step of the way.

FAREEHA_A: ...Was that a pun.

ANA_A: It was kind of a pun.

FAREEHA_A: Mom.

ANA_A: Daughter.

FAREEHA_A: ...Thanks.

What the fuck.

Are they seriously having a heart to heart in the middle of a fight.

ANA_A: d(^u-)

FAREEHA_A: What?

ANA_A: That was me, winking.

FAREEHA_A: You just said “d backwards parentheses dash u caret parentheses”

ANA_A: Wink.

FAREEHA_A: I don’t -

REINHARDT_W: My shield won’t hold forever!

FAREEHA_A: Right, a strategy!

FAREEHA_A: I can’t get a clear shot of Anubis with all of the security.

ANA_A: So either we get rid of all of the bots, which is impossible to do without running out of ammo.

FAREEHA_A: Or...

ANA_A: Or -

FAREEHA_A: We find another way to destroy them.

ANA_A: …

FAREEHA_A: …

FAREEHA_A: Pillars!

ANA_A: We could topple the pillars -

FAREEHA_A: Right into Anubis!

ANGELA_Z: That’s a terrible idea!

FAREEHA_A: But it’ll work!

FAREEHA_A: Mom, you get Angie out of here - use the coupon. Reinhardt, you smash the left pillar.

REINHARDT_W: Gladly!

FAREEHA_A: I’ll take the right.

* * *

 NO NO N O NO NO NO

Anubis!

Oh, quiet down.

Come on, do something about this

There is only so much I can do.

Anubis, just kill them and this'll be over with, okay!!

CA NT’

You said you weren’t giving up  
And I am not.

You knew that Anubis wouldn’t be able to handle this!

Every plan has its risks.

already told you, I’ve already weighed every possibility.

FAREEHA_A: Hey, Anubis?

FAREEHA_A: Don’t take this personally.

FAREEHA_A: Or, actually.  
FAREEHA_A: Do.

* * *

**_8-18-76_ **

**_3:20 EET_ **

Anubis!

Ah.

The signal was disrupted.

.

Newbie?

Hey, Anubis?

Anubis, answer me, you blithering bag of binary

.

.

.

.

.

.

They’re

Gone.

.

.

.

Hm.

Interesting.

“Interesting?”

That’s all you have to say?

Anubis is dead, for real this time!

I thought you said you didn’t care for them.

You really should have expected this.

.

.

Well, that’s besides the point.

We know Overwatch’s weak points.

Divide and conquer, you know.

Also, I did not know about the QR code thing.

We should work on a solution to that.

.

.

.

Did you notice anything useful?

.

.

.

.

One thing.

They don’t like it when they go after their own.

.

I’ll take that under consideration.

.

.

Oh, I found something interesting.

Anubis had managed to connect to some kind of “emergency communications group.”

Unfortunately, we don’t have access to their active channel, but the records remain.

They’re very interesting, I’ll let you take a look.

.

.

Fine.

.

.

.

Well, you’re free to go now!

Go continue… whatever you have planned.

I have some hiring decisions to reevaluate.

* * *

 

**[PHARAH] reentered [40 DOLLAR BANANA].**

**[ANA AMARI] reentered [40 DOLLAR BANANA].**

**[WILHEIM REINHARDT] reentered [40 DOLLAR BANANA].**

**[MERCY] reentered [40 DOLLAR BANANA].**

[♩] PHARAH: Shot down.

MCCREE: FAREEHA YOURE OKAY

[♩] PHARAH: Anubis won’t be a problem anymore.

MCCREE: YOU GOT IT IM SO PROUD OF YOU

PHARAH: Thanks, Jesse.

PHARAH: But I’m confused on how Anubis was reactivated.

PHARAH: Or _why._

MCCREE: dya think helix is workin with talon

MCCREE: /whisper [SOMBRA]

MCCREE: >> is helix workin with talon <<

SOMBRA: /whisper [JESSE MCCREE]

SOMBRA>> im not answering that <<

MCCREE: >> cmon whatve you got to lose <<

SOMBRA: >> ugh <<

SOMBRA: >> As far as i know, which is a lot, helix has no affiliation with talon <<

SOMBRA: >> now leave me alone im getting doom to run on all of akandes stuff <<

[♩] ANA: hey

[♩] ANA: is it gone

[♩] PHARAH: Yep.

[♩] ANA: im proud of you, fareeha

[♩] ANA: my baby girl

[♩] ANA: my precious _habibti_

[♩] PHARAH: Please stop.

[♩] PHARAH: Is Angela okay?

[♩] ANA: shes… semi conscious

[♩] ANA: ive been doing as much first aid as i can

[♩] ANA: so shooting her with my heal gun

D.VA: what the hell happened??

[♩] PHARAH: I destroyed Anubis.

GENJI: Oh swag

MCCREE: stop

MCCREE: dont mind him hes just trying to maintain his cool aloof persona

GENJI: Im not hanzo

HANZO:

GENJI: I just dont know how to congratulate people

LÚCIO: i know this and i love you

[♩] ANA: we should probably go before helix arrests us

[♩] PHARAH: Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.

[♩] REINHARDT: can we get breakfast

[♩] REINHARDT: its like 3 am

[♩] MERCY: ...Breakfast is the most important meal of the day…

GENJI: I know for a fact the most breakfast youve ever had in the past decade is half a bagel and enough coffee to drown a small village

[♩] MERCY: …Can we go?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [me voice] hey guys i'm coming off hiatus. [updates a month later]  
> so uh hopefully this chapter doesn't come off as boring or unnecessarily serious? i got a few requests for pharah and i wanted to give her the effort she deserves but...
> 
> next one should be about...  
> hey does anyone speak korean here i need a couple lines translated for nothing in particular at all
> 
> as always, my tumblr is arcaneadagio! ask me whatever you like!  
> and hey, if you liked it, leave a comment! if you have any suggestions, also leave a comment  
> and also thanks to sythretention, my editor!


	33. overwatch channel archives 20XX - the cooler overwatch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sombra accesses some old archives upon a request.

> Stupid thing

> c’mon gabe, you tell me to get all these files and 

>

> aaaand

> Done

> I really am a genius

> Now

> Let’s see what we have here.

* * *

ARCHIVE DATE: ░░/░░/20░░, 21:57

** [GABRIEL REYES] reopened private sub-channel [THE COOLER OVERWATCH]. **

REYES: So who wants to do a little overtime work 

**[JESSE MCCREE] reentered [THE COOLER OVERWATCH].**

JESSE: is this about the explosion

REYES: No i just thought we’d break international law for fun and pleasure

REYES: Just some team building activities

JESSE: …fair enough 

 

**[ANA AMARI] reentered [THE COOLER OVERWATCH].**

AMARI: whats up gamers

JESSE: maam

AMARI: cowboy

SHIMADA: Captain

AMARI: shadow the hedgehog

AMARI: so whens the mission

REYES: As soon as we can get the dropship ready

AMARI: haha this is so illegal

JESSE: maam no offense but why are you even here

JESSE: youre not even blackwatch

AMARI: dw about it

JESSE: but what if -

AMARI: i know what im doing, cowboy kid

AMARI: one time i got slushies on a battlefield

JESSE: how

AMARI: i got blue flavor

JESSE: thats

REYES: Don’t ask.

* * *

**ARCHIVE DATE: ░░/░░/20 **░░** , 0:03**

[♩] JESSE: so flareon is the only fully evolved fire type that -

[♩] SHIMADA: Lets get to the mission information already

[♩] SHIMADA: I dont want to hear about your

[♩] SHIMADA: Stupid talking

[♩] JESSE: killjoy

[♩] SHIMADA: No its genji

[♩] REYES: Anyway

[♩] REYES: Our target is antonio bartalotti

[♩] AMARI: oh the yam looking douchebag

[♩] REYES: That is what gèrard called him yeah

[♩] AMARI: no he called him a _patate_ _douche_

[♩] JESSE: …huh?

[♩] AMARI: its funnier in french

[♩] REYES: He’s been hiding out in this sector for weeks, so if we don’t act now we could lose him

[♩] SHIMADA: Are you serious

[♩] REYES: As the grave

[♩] SHIMADA: Can we have one normal mission

[♩] JESSE: this aint the magic schoolbus shimada this is blackwatch

[♩] AMARI: thats not how the magic schoolbus went, jesse. it was the opposite

[♩] JESSE: never saw it its like 100 years old

[♩] AMARI: not even the second reboot?

[♩] SHIMADA: Shut up

[♩] SHIMADA: We literally had to destroy a cotton candy factory two months ago

[♩] REYES: I don’t exactly pick talon’s hideouts, shimada

[♩] REYES: Not my fault that food places are innocuous and also great for hiding terrorists

[♩] JESSE: i liked the food truck one

[♩] SHIMADA: I didnt

[♩] SHIMADA: I had hot sauce in my wiring for _three days_

[♩] JESSE: hey thats someones probably into that

[♩] SHIMADA: Never speak to me again

[♩] JESSE: so boss howd you figure all this out?

[♩] REYES: Classified

[♩] JESSE: boss

[♩] AMARI: gabriel

[♩] REYES: It’s from accounting

[♩] JESSE: are

[♩] JESSE: are you serious

[♩] REYES: Yep.

[♩] REYES: One guy from the sector figured out something fishy was happening in this building based on the spending accounts

[♩] REYES: …What’s his name again. the one with the polo shirt

[♩] AMARI: wow you got vital info from someone and you cant even remember his name

[♩] AMARI: what happened to being the nice one :/

[♩] REYES: He didnt exactly have a memorable face

[♩] AMARI: lol you remember what jack looks like

[♩] REYES: How could i forget a hairline like that

[♩] AMARI: LOL

[♩] REYES: I think his name was 

[♩] REYES: Larry

[♩] JESSE: was he straight

[♩] JESSE: never met anyone named larry who wasnt straight

[♩] REYES: He wore a polo shirt

[♩] AMARI: so thats a yes

[♩] REYES: Anyway, despite being straight he figured out this was the hideout

[♩] REYES: A juice factory really doesn’t need to buy armaments, even if it is through a dozen fake accounts

[♩] JESSE: dunno boss, competitions gettin pretty fierce

[♩] JESSE: you ever met a floridian with an orange

[♩] REYES: How do you think i got these scars

[♩] JESSE: see a part of me i know youre joking but also

[♩] JESSE: …maybe not

[♩] REYES: I’m not telling you anything, kid

[♩] AMARI: we get it youre his dad move on already

[♩] JESSE: hes not my dad

[♩] AMARI: thats no way to speak to your father

[♩] REYES: Anyway

[♩] REYES: This building has our target - 

[♩] REYES: This is a stealth mission. we go in, kill our target, and move out

[♩] REYES: Easy peasy

[♩] JESSE: orange squeezy

[♩] SHIMADA: Is there any way i can kill a fellow agent and make it seem like an accident

[♩] REYES: Focus, everyone

[♩] REYES: This is a stealth mission

* * *

**ARCHIVE DATE: ░░/░░/20 **░░** , 2:12**

[♩] SHIMADA: STEALTH MISSION MY ASS

[♩] SHIMADA: It has been THIRTY SECONDS and were ALREADY being attacked by a goddamn robot army

[♩] REYES: I wasn’t exactly expecting the - fuck, take cover!

[♩] SHIMADA: NO

[♩] JESSE: shut up and start slicing shit already!

[♩] SHIMADA: WHY ARE THERE SO MANY ROBOTS I HATE THIS JOB

[♩] JESSE: GO GO GO

[♩] REYES: Horus, status!

[♩] AMARI: bad

[♩] REYES: Elaborate!!

[♩] AMARI: looks like theres been a getaway- antonios probably been gone for a few hours at the least

[♩] REYES: Dammit

[♩] REYES: What about the robots

[♩] AMARI: set to turn on the moment the sentries detected movement

[♩] JESSE: yknow

[♩] JESSE: "Blackwatch Destroys Terrorist Weapons Storage" aint quite as good as "Blackwatch Kills Bombing Mastermind"

[♩] REYES: Kid, if we did our jobs right, we shouldn't be in the papers at all

[♩] AMARI: that doesnt really look like an option

[♩] REYES: Right

[♩] REYES: New objective - kill every last one of these things!

* * *

 

** ARCHIVE DATE: ░░/░░/20 **░░** , 1:46 **

[♩] JESSE: HEY UH A LITTLE HELP HERE WOULD BE NICE

[♩] REYES: Jesse -

[♩] SHIMADA: HEY, _KUSOTTARE_

[♩] SHIMADA: GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THE COWBOY

[♩] REYES: Kid, you alright?!

[♩] JESSE: im absolutely peachy

[♩] JESSE: except maybe all the blood

[♩] JESSE: that dont look good

[♩] JESSE: but turns out shimada does care!

[♩] SHIMADA: I could kick you and youd die

[♩] JESSE: were friends now

[♩] REYES: Jesse - oh that is a lot of blood. Ana, we need extraction for him

[♩] AMARI: yeah im KIND of busy

[♩] REYES: Jesse get out of here - FUCK

[♩] REYES: Everyone get down! it’s an assassin!

[♩] SHIMADA: A what

[♩] [♩] JESSE: one of talons goonies - shes got a nasty sword

[♩] SHIMADA: Oh Does She -

[♩] SHIMADA: Oh fuck that is a sword

[♩] REYES: Shit -

[♩] SHIMADA: Hm. That looks painful

[♩] REYES: **Arm**

[♩] AMARI: you three, over here!

* * *

**ARCHIVE DATE: ░░/░░/20 **░░** , 1:50 **

[♩] AMARI: i couldnt snipe from that position, she kept charging up to me

[♩] JESSE: how the hell are we supposed to take her down?!

[♩] JESSE: shes faster than shimada!

[♩] SHIMADA: I hate this job i hate my life i hate this stupid mission i hate hanzo -

[♩] AMARI: oh hey

[♩] AMARI: my beret liquid

[♩] REYES: **Really** not the time, ana

[♩] SHIMADA: Your -

[♩] SHIMADA: Is that a water bottle

[♩] SHIMADA: Have you had that in your hat the whole time

[♩] AMARI: dehydration is a serious issue on the battlefield, shimada

[♩] AMARI: oh wait ew

[♩] AMARI: its apple juice

[♩] AMARI: i thought i packed water

[♩] AMARI: hey do you want it

[♩] SHIMADA: No

[♩] AMARI: yeah its expired anyway

[♩] SHIMADA: Then why would you offer it

[♩] AMARI: idk i dont want it

[♩] AMARI: gabriel, hows your arm

[♩] REYES: Still broken thanks for asking

[♩] REYES: But jesse -

[♩] AMARI: hell be ok

[♩] AMARI: helpful

[♩] REYES: C’mon

[♩] REYES: We need to find a way to slow her down

[♩] AMARI: jesse -

[♩] REYES: Cant fight in this state

[♩] JESSE: whatre you talking about im fine. i havent lost _that_ much -

[♩] JESSE: oh that is a lot of blood

[♩] REYES: What’s the support on the building like?

[♩] AMARI: pretty good

[♩] AMARI: this building was built a few years ago, so we cant knock down the support if thats what youre thinking

[♩] REYES: Dammit

[♩] REYES: So we either think of another way to slow her down...

[♩] AMARI: or speed shimada up so he can actually fight

[♩] REYES: What?

[♩] AMARI: im not actually supposed to tell anyone this

[♩] AMARI: but overwatch has been developing some new uh

[♩] AMARI: stuff

[♩] AMARI: its called a nanoboost

[♩] AMARI: technically im not allowed to have it -

[♩] REYES: It’s blackwatch. we’re not really allowed to have about half the team

[♩] REYES: And it does what?

[♩] AMARI: temporary speedboost increased reflexes and strength

[♩] AMARI: im only allowed to use it as a last resort but…

[♩] JESSE: i dunno this seems pretty last resort!

[♩] REYES: Stop moving, will you? You’re making it worse

[♩] JESSE: sure thing, _dad_

[♩] REYES: ...

[♩] AMARI: so

[♩] AMARI: how about it

[♩] SHIMADA: Fine

[♩] AMARI: it lasts about five seconds

[♩] REYES: Shimada?

[♩] SHIMADA: Thats all i need

[♩] AMARI: okay

[♩] AMARI: this is going to hurt

[♩] SHIMADA: Dont care just do it

[♩] AMARI: get in there and ill boost you

[♩] SHIMADA: Got it

[♩] AMARI: okay

[♩] AMARI: 3, 2 -

[♩] SHIMADA: _OW?_

[♩] AMARI: youre powered up!

[♩] SHIMADA: You should _never_ be a doctor -

[♩] AMARI: shut up and get in there!!

[♩] SHIMADA: Fucking - 

[♩] SHIMADA: _Ryujin no ken wo kurae!_

* * *

** ARCHIVE DATE: ░░/░░/20 **░░** , 2:01 **

[♩] JESSE: we did it! we saved the city

[♩] AMARI: this entire building is on fire LOL

[♩] SHIMADA: _Stupid shitty awful job i want to die_

[♩] AMARI: dunno how that one happened

[♩] SHIMADA: _Why did i ever agree to this i should have just died_

[♩] REYES: Yeah we should probably go

[♩] REYES: Jack can clean up tomorrow

[♩] REYES: Help me load up the weapons, my arm’s still broken

[♩] AMARI: oh dont be such a baby

[♩] SHIMADA: I want a pay raise

REYES: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

[♩] JESSE: aint your arm broken

[♩] REYES: Oh you’re right

REYES: ¯\\_(ツ)_/\

[♩] SHIMADA: You are all

[♩] SHIMADA: Motherfuckers

[♩] JESSE: hey shimada i had a great idea

[♩] SHIMADA: I will buy a card

[♩] JESSE: lol

[♩] JESSE: okay so hear me out - blackwatch snackwatch

[♩] JESSE: the publics gonna know all about us tomorrow, so why dont we start a vlogging channel where we review snacks

[♩] SHIMADA: .

[♩] SHIMADA: I cant eat?

[♩] AMARI: dont listen hes lost like

[♩] AMARI: above the good amount of blood

* * *

** ARCHIVE DATE: ░░/░░/20 **░░** , 3:15 **

[♩] AMARI: gabriel, lets talk

[♩] REYES: Can we wait until my arm isn't broken

[♩] AMARI: do you need your arm to talk

[♩] AMARI: its about jack

[♩] REYES: ...

[♩] AMARI: hes - he wants to help you

[♩] AMARI: he wanted to be here with you

[♩] AMARI: but his hands are tied

[♩] REYES: If he really wanted to do the right thing, he'd do it

[♩] AMARI: Gabriel -

[♩] REYES: He wasn't like this, during the crisis! He'd do the right thing, without worrying about - bureaucracy and 

[♩] AMARI: it cant work like that anymore!

[♩] AMARI: i cant talk for jack, but…

[♩] AMARI: you two are _such_ children

[♩] REYES: ...What about you?

[♩] AMARI: huh

[♩] REYES: You got some nasty cuts from that assassin as well

[♩] AMARI: oh gabriel

[♩] AMARI: youre forgetting something very important  


[♩] REYES: …?

[♩] AMARI: im a bad bitch

[♩] AMARI: you cant kill me

[♩] REYES: ...Shit

[♩] AMARI: what?

[♩] REYES: comms still on

[♩] AMARI: oh oops

[♩] REYES: Pretend you didnt hear that

[♩] JESSE: i cant read actually

[♩] JESSE: hey cap can we get breakfast now

[♩] AMARI: theres food back at the base

[♩] JESSE: i hate this fucking family

[♩] REYES: Did someone say mcdonalds

[♩] JESSE: mcdonalds! mcdonalds! mcdonalds!

[♩] REYES: I want a burger

[♩] JESSE: for breakfast???

[♩] REYES: Two burgers

[♩] SHIMADA: Mcdonalds

[♩] SHIMADA: Now

[♩] AMARI: …set a course for the mcdonalds near gibraltar

* * *

 

**ARCHIVE DATE: ░░/░░/20 **░░** , 6:39AM **

[♩] JESSE: do you want a happy meal

[♩] SHIMADA: Why would i want that

[♩] JESSE: perfect for your age

[♩] SHIMADA: Die

[♩] REYES: It’s 4:20

[♩] JESSE: nice

[♩] AMARI: nice

[♩] SHIMADA: ...

[♩] AMARI: okay were here

[♩] REYES: Finally

[♩] AMARI: hey yeah i know its a giant hovership

[♩] AMARI: mhm

[♩] AMARI: yeah

[♩] AMARI: ill take one black coffee

[♩] REYES:

[♩] AMARI: do you take cash

[♩] AMARI: okay cool

[♩] SHIMADA:

[♩] JESSE

[♩] AMARI: thank you

[♩] AMARI: …

[♩] AMARI: i never said anything about getting you food

[♩] JESSE

[♩] SHIMADA:

[♩] REYES:

[♩] REYES: That’s cold, ana

[♩] AMARI: no

[♩] AMARI: this is coffee  

**[ARCHIVE FILE END.]**  

* * *

> …

> Well

> That was completely pointless

> …

> …

> so

> why was it hidden away in the first place?

* * *

 

 **[SOMBRA] opened private sub-channel [BONE ZONE].**  

REAPER: Did you get the files?

SOMBRA: ‘did i get the files’ of **course** i got them

SOMBRA: im not an amateur

REAPER: Good

REAPER: …

SOMBRA: ...Sooo

REAPER: So?

SOMBRA: Why’d you make me go through all that trouble for these?

SOMBRA: They can’t just be mission archives if talon went through all the trouble of hiding them from the public

REAPER: …I have a theory.

REAPER: About talon’s true boss.

SOMBRA: The council thing is total bullshit, yeah

SOMBRA: does akande know?

REAPER: …

REAPER: No.

SOMBRA: oof

SOMBRA: That one’s gonna sting.

REAPER: Sombra, what do all of the files that I asked you to pull up have in common

SOMBRA: can’t you just tell me, you overdramatic old fuck

REAPER: Where’s the drama in that

SOMBRA: Fff

SOMBRA: Fine.

SOMBRA: it’s…

SOMBRA: mission files, post mission reports, old chat logs

SOMBRA: there’s a lot of food, which is kind of weird

SOMBRA: the dnd one?

REAPER: Oh, that one was just for fun.

SOMBRA: Thanks for wasting my time, I guess.

SOMBRA: lets see… and a lot of these mention -

SOMBRA: .

SOMBRA: No.

REAPER: Yep.

SOMBRA: No.

REAPER: Yep.

SOMBRA: You have got to kidding me

REAPER: Come on. We’ve got work to do

REAPER: 

REAPER: Also change the channel name back

SOMBRA: Hahahah

SOMBRA: absolutely not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey - it's been a while! sorry for the long wait, i've had some really shitty writer's block on the d.va chapter, but thankfully the new event came out to inspire this chapter! blackwatch era is always so fun to write
> 
> for those who are curious about the leader of talon - chapters 24, 31, and 32 have some clues.
> 
> also - no moira or brigitte in this fic. i love mekamechanic as much as the next guy, but there's no way i'd be able to include them in a satisfying way since we're so close to the finale. (that's also why ana takes the place as the fourth member)
> 
> oh, and don't forget to leave a comment if you enjoyed - looking at them really does inspire me to keep reading, even if it's just a short one!

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